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Author Topic: A friendly way to ask?  (Read 23647 times)

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #45 on: January 20, 2014, 08:13:31 AM »
I think it's important to be upfront about serious/not serious before scrabble.  People can be very hurt if one is thinking "Scrabble=love=serious relationship" and the other is just thinking "Yay! Scrabble!". 


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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #46 on: January 20, 2014, 08:27:08 AM »
I've gone all over the map for these types of things. I've gone on three dates with three different men every week for a month, none serious; and of course, I've "dated" monogamously for weeks to years, as well.

Generally, though, when I was dating, if I decided I liked someone a lot, I stopped seeing the other people I had gone out with in that period -- but that didn't mean I expected that person to be on my schedule, too. If I had any concerns, I discussed them. If I thought about doing certain activities, I definitely clarified things first.

Among my classmates these days (I'm one of only three married students; the students are mostly 21-26), they are about 10% single and not dating much if at all, 40% in relationships that seem more or less stable (including engagements), and 30% either dating exclusively to semi-exclusively but not necessarily with an eye toward marriage and 20% dating around or 'sleeping around.'

These numbers aren't exact, obviously, but I hear plenty about people's partners or engagements, or bad dates, or 'can you believe what classmate X and classmate Y did at the bar this weekend?' stuff.

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #47 on: January 20, 2014, 08:51:49 AM »
I can see how Jenna would no longer want to date Ralph but I don't think Ralph did anything wrong.  They hadn't yet had a conversation about exclusivity and they hadn't yet been intimate.  If either of those things had happened and Ralph was still dating other people, then yes, he's a cad.  Personally, I'd be more ticked about him taking a call while we were on a date than I would be about him still seeing other people when we hadn't discussed it yet.

For me, the cut off is intimacy, which may or may not involve full on scrabble.  I would have no problem dating or having my date dating multiple people, as long as we hadn't yet had a conversation about 'going steady' or been intimate.  As soon as those things happen or are about to happen, then we both need to stop seeing other people or stop seeing each other, if we aren't both on the same page.

I don't have a problem with other people's line being further out, intimacy wise.  To each their own and if you can handle the casualness, go for it.  I just know I can't be that casual about it.
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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #48 on: January 20, 2014, 11:50:28 AM »
I agree Ralph did nothing wrong. Jenna knew there was the potential that their relationship wasn't exclusive or she wouldn't have planned to discuss it during the 4th date.

I personally believe dating non-exclusively can be a good thing for everyone. I often felt people who went exclusive too early in the relationships ended up investing way to much time in a bad relationship because they'd put all their emotional eggs into that basket. I don't really agree with playing scrabble with multiple scrabble partners within the same time frame. So I did expect exclusivity at that point.

I also don't remember ever having the "are we exclusive" talk. Most of my relationship that did end up being exclusive progressed to where we were spending so much time together that it wasn't possible for either of us to have additional dates.

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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #49 on: January 20, 2014, 11:57:17 AM »
I agree with jmarvellous that it's important to clarify things--don't assume the other person wants, or is offering, exclusivity. That's both "don't assume they are ready for it, even if you are" as a stage-of-relationship thing and that some people aren't going to want it no matter how well things are going. The other thing is that "I'm not seeing anyone else right now," "I don't want to see anyone else right now," and "I don't want you to see anyone else right now" are three different statements. In particular, the first one can be someone who isn't actively looking for people to date, and has now gone out three times with someone she met at a party; no online profiles, no speed dating, etc., but she won't necessarily turn down a classmate who asks her out.

I think an adult should be able to say that they want an exclusive relationship, if they do; not just in the abstract when talking to random friends, but to the person they are asking to be exclusive with them.
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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #50 on: January 20, 2014, 05:02:29 PM »
No matter what your personal/regional/social circle opinion is of whether Ralph was okay to still be dating others, I think we can all agree that the one universally rude thing that Ralph did was taking another woman's call while on a date with Jenna.

It also is not a good feeling to think that you are exclusive or heading towards exclusivity with someone and then abruptly realize that they aren't on the same page, regardless if the other person is following or violating the social norms by still considering your relationship casual.

My own similar story about this:

I had been dating a guy for about 6 months.  We had started dating with the understanding that it was fairly casual - we were both going on dates with other people (and possibly engaging in casual games of scrabble with those other people.  I'm also not cut out to be a nun.)  As time went on, we were spending almost all of our spare time together, and we were getting a lot more serious.

However, I came across considerable evidence that he was still wanting to engage in those casual games of scrabble with others, and I wanted to be in a more serious relationship.  I told him that I was aware that he wasn't ready to be more serious, and I was fine with that, but I wanted to see him less often (so I had time to date other guys) until and unless he was ready to commit to more exclusivity.  That would have been fine with me, but he did not take it well.

He started trying to lie to me in the very classic pattern of a cheater who got caught and doesn't realize that the other person knows the full extent of their deception.  I don't like being lied to, especially not the kind of lying that he was doing, and I completely broke things off with him at that point.


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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #51 on: January 20, 2014, 06:55:32 PM »

The exclusivity/dating around discussion is interesting.

My general experience is that when you're dating people in your social circle, it's generally one at a time - you can ask out a coworker, or a friend of a friend, but wouldn't do both at the same time, and if they found out about it, they'd be peeved. That's a situation where you have an idea before the first date that you're interested in someone, though.

But when it's internet dating, or meeting people at clubs, seeing multiple people simultaneously is the norm - here, you're going on that first date or two with the hopes that you're genuinely interested in them, and the chances of it actually turning into a relationship are not that high. So dating sequentially, if your goal is to find a partner, is very inefficient - you might meet up with one new person a month, compared to the half dozen or more you could manage if you were meeting up in parallel.

However, I've met people with the full range of assumptions, from assuming that more than one date = serious, exclusive relationship, to assuming that they're both dating around (and scrabbling around) until explicitly specified otherwise.  So if you go into a relationship assuming that the other person has the same views you do (no parallel dating, scrabble = exclusive + monogamous) without confirming it, and it turns out that they don't, you can't blame them for not being psychic.

As an aside, my Mom was quite surprised to find that casually dating around wasn't standard among my peers. In her dating days (late 50s,  60s) that was considered normal - you'd go on multiple dates with multiple guys until you mutually decided to be exclusive/more serious with one. One of the differences, I think, was in those days the casually dating phase was assumed to be non-scrabble in nature. Now, relationships can get physical very quickly, which changes the exclusivity/casual dating equation quite a bit.


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Re: A friendly way to ask?
« Reply #52 on: January 20, 2014, 10:47:40 PM »

I agree with both of these statements. I'm not actively looking for anything long term, but I'm also not shying away from it either.  I like dating because I get to meet new people and it takes me out of my comfort zone.

You don't always have to date with marriage/commitment/long term in mind. I think that can be a big mistake, especially when you are young, as you can end up drifting into something serious with the wrong person.

This exactly.  There is nothing wrong with not wanting a serious relationship, and there is nothing wrong with wanting a serious relationship.  A person just needs to be honest with herself and with the people she is dating about what she wants.  Never try to "convince" someone to want a serious relationship - instead, move on if you want more than a person says they can give you.

I think it's important to be upfront about serious/not serious before scrabble.  People can be very hurt if one is thinking "Scrabble=love=serious relationship" and the other is just thinking "Yay! Scrabble!".