Author Topic: Uninvited guest taking advantage  (Read 6205 times)

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doodlemor

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2014, 02:31:29 PM »
I'd be reporting that nurse to her agency.  She took advantage of an elderly woman!  I can't imagine any of the nurses or other homecare folks that looked after my Dad when he had his hip replacement pulling the same stunt.

I agree. My first thought was "If she'll take advantage of Gladys so blatantly in front of others, what might she try to pull when they're alone?"  :-\

POD especially to the bolded. Gladys should not let the woman back into her house. 

Zizi-K

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2014, 04:47:42 PM »
I cannot for the life of me understand why someone just didn't say with obvious surprise, "Oh, what are you doing here?? Sorry, you must of misunderstood - this party if for family only." This person is an employee clearly taking advantage. What rules of politeness require one to roll over and allow this person into the lunch??? I'm not trying to blame the victim, but - this person allowed herself to be taken advantage of. If she calls the agency and says "my nurse said she wanted to come to my party, and then she showed up!" They might ask, "well, mam, did you ever clear it up that she wasn't invited? Did you send her away from the lunch?" "well...no..." "So you greeted her as an invited guest and had a place set for her?" "well...yes..." That's not going to get far.

BarensMom

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2014, 07:02:26 PM »
I cannot for the life of me understand why someone just didn't say with obvious surprise, "Oh, what are you doing here?? Sorry, you must of misunderstood - this party if for family only." This person is an employee clearly taking advantage. What rules of politeness require one to roll over and allow this person into the lunch??? I'm not trying to blame the victim, but - this person allowed herself to be taken advantage of. If she calls the agency and says "my nurse said she wanted to come to my party, and then she showed up!" They might ask, "well, mam, did you ever clear it up that she wasn't invited? Did you send her away from the lunch?" "well...no..." "So you greeted her as an invited guest and had a place set for her?" "well...yes..." That's not going to get far.

It's a different situation when it's an elderly person dealing with a caregiver who has it in their power to make it very uncomfortable for the elder.  It could be a case of intimidation.

TootsNYC

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2014, 07:15:07 PM »
I cannot for the life of me understand why someone just didn't say with obvious surprise, "Oh, what are you doing here?? Sorry, you must of misunderstood - this party if for family only." This person is an employee clearly taking advantage. What rules of politeness require one to roll over and allow this person into the lunch??? I'm not trying to blame the victim, but - this person allowed herself to be taken advantage of. If she calls the agency and says "my nurse said she wanted to come to my party, and then she showed up!" They might ask, "well, mam, did you ever clear it up that she wasn't invited? Did you send her away from the lunch?" "well...no..." "So you greeted her as an invited guest and had a place set for her?" "well...yes..." That's not going to get far.

It's a different situation when it's an elderly person dealing with a caregiver who has it in their power to make it very uncomfortable for the elder.  It could be a case of intimidation.


Plus, few of us can *really* think that well on our feet. We don't want to be rude, and we can't think fast, and we're conditioned to be hospitable.

I wonder how she knew the exact time and place, though.

And yeah, I'd report her. Maybe couch it as, "she could use some coaching--that really wasn't cool. We weren't sure what to say, even."

Corvid

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2014, 07:15:14 PM »
I cannot for the life of me understand why someone just didn't say with obvious surprise, "Oh, what are you doing here?? Sorry, you must of misunderstood - this party if for family only." This person is an employee clearly taking advantage. What rules of politeness require one to roll over and allow this person into the lunch??? I'm not trying to blame the victim, but - this person allowed herself to be taken advantage of. If she calls the agency and says "my nurse said she wanted to come to my party, and then she showed up!" They might ask, "well, mam, did you ever clear it up that she wasn't invited? Did you send her away from the lunch?" "well...no..." "So you greeted her as an invited guest and had a place set for her?" "well...yes..." That's not going to get far.

Actually, it might still get far.  Depending on country and state, accepting something as expensive as a steak meal from a patient would be considered as unethical behavior at best and could, depending on the patient, be considered criminal behavior.  It's actually a big deal and the sort of thing that could cost someone his/her job.  This nurse shouldn't have to have been told no, because she ought to have known it was inappropriate of her to begin with.

The most I've ever accepted from a patient is a cup of coffee and maybe a cookie, and believe me, patients and families do try to give me gifts, especially around the holidays.

Zizi-K

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2014, 07:29:43 PM »
I cannot for the life of me understand why someone just didn't say with obvious surprise, "Oh, what are you doing here?? Sorry, you must of misunderstood - this party if for family only." This person is an employee clearly taking advantage. What rules of politeness require one to roll over and allow this person into the lunch??? I'm not trying to blame the victim, but - this person allowed herself to be taken advantage of. If she calls the agency and says "my nurse said she wanted to come to my party, and then she showed up!" They might ask, "well, mam, did you ever clear it up that she wasn't invited? Did you send her away from the lunch?" "well...no..." "So you greeted her as an invited guest and had a place set for her?" "well...yes..." That's not going to get far.


It's a different situation when it's an elderly person dealing with a caregiver who has it in their power to make it very uncomfortable for the elder.  It could be a case of intimidation.


Plus, few of us can *really* think that well on our feet. We don't want to be rude, and we can't think fast, and we're conditioned to be hospitable.

I wonder how she knew the exact time and place, though.

And yeah, I'd report her. Maybe couch it as, "she could use some coaching--that really wasn't cool. We weren't sure what to say, even."

Fair enough. My nickname is "bulldozer" (bulldo for short, thanks, DH!) and I forget not everyone is like me.
(edited to get the quote levels right)
« Last Edit: January 15, 2014, 09:33:50 PM by Zizi-K »

MommyPenguin

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2014, 09:01:26 PM »
I agree that it should be reported to the agency she works for.  I don't really have a problem with them talking about it in front of her, as it sounds like she's a home care nurse.  My aunt has MS, and she has a nurse come to help her a few hours a few days a week to give her mother a break.  The nurse is generally "around" when they're conversing, but that doesn't mean that they can't talk about things that they're going to do together.  It's a little different from the rules you'd have at, say, work or school, or when socializing with somebody.

I can also see them not getting that the nurse was really saying she wanted to come, although in retrospect that's obviously the point when they should have clarified.  But I could easily see the phrasing making them think that she was simply saying that it was nice of her to do this dinner, and that if she were one of the relatives, she'd have liked to come (in other words, that she thought it was a nice idea), or just a joke that fell flat.

As for how the nurse knew when and where, she could probably have seen it on a calendar or information for the elderly woman (after all, she had access to the house and the information would probably be somewhere easily accessible for the woman's sake), or she could have asked the older woman about it and the older woman answered, thinking the nurse was just curious, not that she was planning to come.

cass2591

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2014, 10:05:35 PM »
The nurse was extremely unprofessional. Unless she was hired as a caretaker she had no business whatsoever being at the restaurant, much less eating on her patient's dime.

As for discussing the event in front of the nurse, that's not against etiquette because it's a given it's not a social visit and she's being paid to be there.

It takes a lot for me to report someone to management, but I would call her agency and request she never return and tell them why.
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Ceallach

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2014, 11:09:52 PM »
Agree with previous posters, this is a serious breach of professional boundaries and must be reported to her superiors.  If any of the homecare workers I employ were to do this they would be instantly dismissed as it is VERY far over the line.  (Inviting themselves to the lunch would be bad but just a warning, but when the patient is paying that makes it taking advantage of their finances which is a serious offence).     These breaches are sometimes well meaning, sometimes it's that a genuine bond has formed and a patient and their nurse become friends.   But it is the responsibility of the paid professional to remember their role and behave appropriately - including avoiding any *appearance* of taking advantage or over-stepping.    In this case the nurse wasn't just over-stepping from a professional perspective, she was rude too as the patient hadn't shown even the slightest interest in including her (and again, if she had, it's still the nurses job to be professional).

I'm genuinely horrified.   
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veryfluffy

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2014, 05:20:04 AM »
OP here. Thanks for the responses! I hadn't thought about the possibility that this nurse might be one to take advantage of her position generally. I'm going to mention the concern to my friend Irene, who helps Gladys with a lot of her financial stuff. Unfortunately, Gladys is genuine getting a bit vulnerable, for example she is not very careful about money any more, and forgets that she has gotten cash out of the bank and leaves large amounts lying around.

The nurse is actually arranged through Gladys's doctor to deal with some kind of medical procedure at the moment, not an agency.

I'd just add that being elderly English ladies, it can be very hard to stand up to people! They are the type who would apologise for being in the way if someone knocks them down in the street. My friend Irene is more assertive though, so perhaps she might take it up with the doctors' office.
   

Harriet Jones

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2014, 06:36:50 AM »
The nurse's behavior really needs to be reported. Would Irene be able to mention something to the doctor?

weeblewobble

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2014, 11:25:22 PM »
I'd report her as well. 

As for how to prevent, for myself, I don't think I would have clued in that her "I'd like to go" was more than either an awkward attempt to join the conversation (a bad attempt at "oh well that'll be fun" or "that sounds nice") or at worst fishing for an invite which wasn't forthcoming.  At the luncheon, I probably would have asked her why she was there in genuine surprise and then if she said she was there for the luncheon, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but this is a private gathering for my friends and family."

This.  And at the restaurant, someone in the group should have spoken up and said, "How nice of you to pop in to wish Gladys happy birthday. I'm sure we'll see you at her house soon."  Or similar to signal that it was time for her to go.

weeblewobble

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #27 on: January 17, 2014, 11:26:50 PM »
The nurse was extremely unprofessional. Unless she was hired as a caretaker she had no business whatsoever being at the restaurant, much less eating on her patient's dime.

As for discussing the event in front of the nurse, that's not against etiquette because it's a given it's not a social visit and she's being paid to be there.

It takes a lot for me to report someone to management, but I would call her agency and request she never return and tell them why.

Exactly, to me, this is like discussing a party in front of a waiter or a nail technician.  I wouldn't expect the waiter or nail technician to demand an invitation because they happened to overhear in the course of their work.

sammycat

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #28 on: January 17, 2014, 11:44:12 PM »
I'd report her as well. 

As for how to prevent, for myself, I don't think I would have clued in that her "I'd like to go" was more than either an awkward attempt to join the conversation (a bad attempt at "oh well that'll be fun" or "that sounds nice") or at worst fishing for an invite which wasn't forthcoming.  At the luncheon, I probably would have asked her why she was there in genuine surprise and then if she said she was there for the luncheon, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but this is a private gathering for my friends and family."

This.  And at the restaurant, someone in the group should have spoken up and said, "How nice of you to pop in to wish Gladys happy birthday. I'm sure we'll see you at her house soon."  Or similar to signal that it was time for her to go.

This was my exact first thought upon reading the OP. I don't understand why a party goer didn't say that. It'd probably pop out of my mouth without having to even think about it.

TootsNYC

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Re: Uninvited guest taking advantage
« Reply #29 on: January 18, 2014, 01:46:21 AM »
I totally understand by a party goer wouldn't say it!

They're not the host, they have no authority to say such a thing.
They're on the spot, in the moment, and we're all conditioned to be hospitable.