Author Topic: What do you do with the family whiner?  (Read 4749 times)

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The Wild One, Forever

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2014, 06:45:10 PM »
Well, 'shave his belly with a rusty razor' would still produce the right results, I think...

 ;)

I almost choked on this pasta I'm eating!    ;D
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blarg314

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2014, 07:55:51 PM »

Part of the problem in English is that sorry has two different meanings.

It can express sympathy (I'm  sorry your goldfish died) or admit guilt (I'm sorry I ate your goldfish). So if you're expressing sympathy for something that wasn't your fault, the person you are talking to could confuse it with an admission of guilt. In some other languages, the two words are completely different, and the meaning is clear.

JoieGirl7

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2014, 08:06:47 PM »
Honestly, this type of thing  can be just as annoying when the person is overwhelmingly positive.  My husbands maiden aunts would find something "nice" to say about everything.  Usually, they would say it was nice, over and over and over and over.

The best I think you can do is either play Aunt Felicity bingo or turn it into a drinking game.

From this point forward, every time you hear that she has mentioned the restaurant being closed, take a drink.  You flat was chilly, take a drink.

That way your expectations of her are that she will say these things over and over again and instead of being frustrated, you can with humor marvel at how many times she will actually do it!  ;)

Mikayla

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2014, 08:14:27 PM »

Part of the problem in English is that sorry has two different meanings.

It can express sympathy (I'm  sorry your goldfish died) or admit guilt (I'm sorry I ate your goldfish). So if you're expressing sympathy for something that wasn't your fault, the person you are talking to could confuse it with an admission of guilt. In some other languages, the two words are completely different, and the meaning is clear.

Do you have a recommendation for what kind of new keyboard I need?!? 

OP, if she's otherwise a lovely person, I agree with the comment upthread that she may be trying for humor and missing.  Even if that's true, though, I'd have no problem telling her this is really hurtful to keep hearing because you did everything a good hostess would be expected to do.  More, in fact.





« Last Edit: January 15, 2014, 08:49:42 PM by Mikayla »

greencat

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2014, 08:42:55 PM »

Part of the problem in English is that sorry has two different meanings.

It can express sympathy (I'm  sorry your goldfish died) or admit guilt (I'm sorry I ate your goldfish). So if you're expressing sympathy for something that wasn't your fault, the person you are talking to could confuse it with an admission of guilt. In some other languages, the two words are completely different, and the meaning is clear.
Do you have a recommendation for what kind of new keyboard I need?!? 

OP, if she's otherwise a lovely person, I agree with the comment upthread that she may be trying for humor and missing.  Even if that's true, though, I'd have no problem telling her this is really hurtful to keep hearing because you did everything a good hostess would be expected to do.  More, in fact.

I am so glad I wasn't drinking when I read the bolded.

And you seem like you might be pretty close to your Aunt, OP, so let her know that you're hurt that she's making you sound like a bad hostess on account of several minor things that weren't even in your control (blankets?  She could have gotten them.  Muffin?  You weren't told of the allergy and you made her other food.  Restaurant?  You don't schedule their hours)  instead of focusing on the fact that she was able to stay with you, free of charge, on absolutely no notice for an entire week.


twiggy

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2014, 11:28:19 PM »

Part of the problem in English is that sorry has two different meanings.

It can express sympathy (I'm  sorry your goldfish died) or admit guilt (I'm sorry I ate your goldfish). So if you're expressing sympathy for something that wasn't your fault, the person you are talking to could confuse it with an admission of guilt. In some other languages, the two words are completely different, and the meaning is clear.

Thanks. The ice cream on its way to my mouth was redirected to my nose/eye region. I do not recommend this new delivery method. The mouth is still the best way to consume frozen treats. :D
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

sweetonsno

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2014, 03:18:23 AM »
I agree that it's probably less her trying to make you feel bad and more her not knowing quite how much this has become one of Aunt Felicity's Greatest Hits. It is possible that she just doesn't feel like the problems were acknowledged. Either way, I vote for letting her know, but I'd suggest a slight alteration to LadyL's approach. If she's honestly clueless, I'd be a bit gentler and avoid telling her that she's hurting your feelings for the time being. I'd also avoid making or implying a judgment about what constitutes "a big deal," as it's different for everyone.

"It was so cold the first night!"
"Oh, Aunt Felicity, I was so sorry to hear that you were cold the next day. If you come back for another visit, remind me to put a couple of extra blankets in the guest room just in case."

"… and the death muffin!"
"That was certainly a bit awkward, wasn't it! I wish I'd known about your allergy sooner. Luckily I know know so it won't happen again. You don't have any other allergies, do you?"

cabbageweevil

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2014, 05:28:26 AM »
I love my "Aunt Felicity." I do.  But she's an abominable guest. 

I suspect that there are some folk (not, overall, by any means bad people) who are just daft in the particular way described by OP -- and have a complete blind spot re this deficiency in their behaviour.  It does make them horrible guests.

Quote
I live on the top floor of a Victorian.  It's chilly.  I sent her to bed with blankets, flannel jammies, and a hot water bottle and showed her to the linen closet if she needed more blankets.  I was quite plain that she could help herself.  She was cold the first night because, apparently, she couldn't bring herself to walk to the linen closet.  She complained all week that she'd been cold that first night! 

This episode especially, reminds me irresistibly of a member of our family, now deceased.  He was well known in the family as socially awkward, with a strong "curmudgeon" tendency. He was often rude, abrupt, ungracious, and with an abrasive tongue; and a propensity for dwelling on his discomforts with life's inconveniences.  In a crisis, though, he was unstinting with practical kindness and help to others.

He was staying, some years ago, with relatives one generation younger. The first evening, they showed him to his bedroom; the wife explained where in the room there were extra blankets, if he didn't feel warm enough. Next morning, when his hosts asked him if he'd slept well, the conversation went as follows:

"No, I didn't !  I was cold -- I got a couple of hours' sleep, at most."

"Well, we did show you where there were extra blankets."

"Oh, I can't be bothered fooling around with nonsense like that !"

After this, and a good deal other highly ungracious stuff on his part throughout his sojourn; the wife of the couple (and she is the very soul of kindness) is on record as saying that there was no way she would have that old [non-eHell-approved word] to stay again.

IMO, it would rather seem that this is how some people are; and, certainly once they are well on in years, there is no chance of "retraining" them, or of their seeing what they are doing wrong.  Likely, those who know them just have to put up with this aspect of them, as best possible -- or else, not.

Collakat

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2014, 09:42:02 AM »
I agree that it's probably less her trying to make you feel bad and more her not knowing quite how much this has become one of Aunt Felicity's Greatest Hits. It is possible that she just doesn't feel like the problems were acknowledged. Either way, I vote for letting her know, but I'd suggest a slight alteration to LadyL's approach. If she's honestly clueless, I'd be a bit gentler and avoid telling her that she's hurting your feelings for the time being. I'd also avoid making or implying a judgment about what constitutes "a big deal," as it's different for everyone.

"It was so cold the first night!"
"Oh, Aunt Felicity, I was so sorry to hear that you were cold the next day. If you come back for another visit, remind me to put a couple of extra blankets in the guest room just in case."

"… and the death muffin!"
"That was certainly a bit awkward, wasn't it! I wish I'd known about your allergy sooner. Luckily I know know so it won't happen again. You don't have any other allergies, do you?"

I also have a friend like this and it is emotionally tiring. It is not as if he is negative, but he gets 'stuck' and I find myself responding with the type of comments suggested without help. “Yes friend, it was cold. Yes, it was scary. Yes, the restaurant was closed but remember, we got to do this and that.”  Over and over and over.

The only thing that works is to introduce a radical interesting new topic or actually move the focus to me and issues I have. He is a dear friend and really cares, but his world is very small and he unnecessarily stress about things.

twoferrets

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2014, 09:47:44 AM »
"… and the death muffin!"

Mmmmmm, death muffin...

VorFemme

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2014, 12:43:15 PM »
Offer them cheese & crackers, to go with their whine?
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artk2002

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2014, 01:10:39 PM »
Offer them cheese & crackers, to go with their whine?

Tell them to save it for later. "We will serve no whine before its time."
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

BeagleMommy

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2014, 03:43:27 PM »
OP, I didn't know your Aunt Felicity was my Aunt D's long lost sister!

We've gotten into the habit of just repeating, ad nauseum, the things that we did.

Aunt:  It was so cold
Us:  Yes, it was, but we showed you where the extra blankets were.
Aunt:  Ahhhh! Poppyseed muffin!
Us:  Yes, but you should have told us about your allergy.
Aunt:  Wahh!  Restaurant is closed
Us:  Yes, but they were on vacation and we went to other favority place instead

Eventually, she gives up because she knows she's not going to get the response she wants.

Edited because I really do know the difference between "you're" and "your".  ::)
« Last Edit: January 17, 2014, 03:21:39 PM by BeagleMommy »

shhh its me

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Re: What do you do with the family whiner?
« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2014, 05:00:06 PM »
  MY ex mil, forbade her at the time 33 year old son one of the good* glasses, "Remember last time I let you use one you broke it." , "Ma I was 12 it was more then 20 years ago."  The good point is no one really takes her complaints seriously

* meaning a nice but fairly normal glass , not expensive , not crystal , not etched  or a heirloom etc  of which she had 11 more of  (plus 4 additional startling similar set of 12. She liked dishes and glasses )and at this moment was handing one to a 3 year old to drink from.