Author Topic: Please don't throw me a party...  (Read 4980 times)

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lellah

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Please don't throw me a party...
« on: January 15, 2014, 02:35:08 PM »
I've lived in my current city for just over a year.  My fiancÚ's lived here for years.  I've made some friends since I've been here: friends from among his friends and friends from work and church.  I've also become friendly with a number of people who are my fiancÚ's friends but who are basically just acquaintances of mine.  It's not stand-offishness or unfriendliness.  It's busy-ness on the parts of everyone involved.

Some of those acquaintances have been talking about throwing me a wedding shower.  It's very kind of them, and I'm grateful.  But I really don't want them to.  The people they're talking about inviting are people I don't know well.  While I'm very happy to get to know every one of these women better, I'm shy and somewhat terrified by the prospect of a lot of people I don't know watching me open presents from other people I don't know.  Also, it's going to be a very small wedding. They'll be invited to the open house we'll have after the wedding, but they'll not be at the wedding itself.  Of course, you don't invite people to a shower who aren't coming to the wedding.  But no one involved in the whole mishegoss will be there, so maybe it's a strange exception.  I don't know.  Etiquette texts are oddly silent on the topic.

 I should add that while I like presents, my fiancÚ and I have plenty of household goods and don't need "showering."

Can I suggest alternative plans?  Maybe cocktails or a trip for manicures?  Or should I just go along with things and be sweetly thankful they're thinking of me.

menley

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2014, 02:39:34 PM »
I think I'd do what you mention at the bottom - "Oh, we don't really need a shower, we have everything we need - but I'd love to get together for a girls' night or a spa date instead to celebrate."

Hmmmmm

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2014, 02:43:43 PM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having a wedding shower."

Don't offer suggestions of a different type because they offered a shower. As the guest of honor you accept what is offered or turn it down.

wheeitsme

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2014, 02:49:34 PM »
Are all the people invited to the shower going to be invited to the wedding?  That might be your out.  Etiquettely speaking, only those invited to the wedding should be invited to a shower.   ;)

bah12

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2014, 02:59:16 PM »
I think two things are required to throw a party for someone else.  1. The host/guests want to do it 2. the GOH want to do it.

I wouldn't stress so much over people wanting to do something nice for you, just because they aren't invited to the wedding (as long as they understand that they're not), but the thing is, you don't want a shower, you aren't comfortable with a shower.  And this is a good reason to decline.

I think all you need to say is "Thank you for the offer, that is so kind.  But I'm not having a shower.  We are having an open house after the wedding instead and I really look forward to seeing you there."

esposita

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2014, 03:12:30 PM »
If you're all just hanging out and chatting and someone brings it up, that is the perfect time to kindly but firmly mention that you aren't interested. Its a chat, they're bouncing around ideas... its absolutely not rude to say "Oh, thank you SO much, but that's not my thing. Honestly it would make me feel strange and I probably wouldn't enjoy it! Plus we really have all we need. But ohmygoodness I'd LOVE to go out with a few girls and get our nails done or something like that." That way you sort of redirect their kindness into something that you'd actually enjoy with them.

lowspark

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2014, 04:26:00 PM »
Quote
Some of those acquaintances have been talking about throwing me a wedding shower. 

Does that mean they've talked directly to you about it already? Or just mentioned it to your fiancÚ?

I don't know how feasible this is but what I might do is pick one of those people with whom you feel the most comfortable. Take her aside or call them and tell that one person what you've told us. That you're flattered they want to give you a shower but that it would make you uncomfortable to be center of attention among so many people whom you don't know well, that since none of them are to be invited to the wedding, inviting them to a shower would make you even more uncomfortable, and that you and your fiancÚ already have so much, you really didn't want any showers.

Maybe you can pick & choose which one or ones of those things you really want to say. But I would just take that one person into my confidence so-to-speak. Because I'd feel totally uncomfortable saying that to several at a time, in addition to which, peer pressure being what it is, they, as a group, might try to talk you into it.

If you explain it that way, that it's the shower and the specific aspects of a shower that are what you don't want, maybe that will prompt that person to suggest an alternative such as a spa day or a girls' night out.

hannahmollysmom

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2014, 02:25:23 AM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having I would prefer not to have a wedding shower."

This way you sound more polite. Just let them know you have all you need for a household. Maybe suggest that if they want to get together to honor you, (as it seems they are kind people) that maybe just a tea and nice conversation.

Marbles

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2014, 03:22:22 AM »
It sounds like this is a way for them to show that they like you and welcome you into Fiance's life. By all means, redirect it into something else if you like, but recognise that these friends are saying that they are looking to build the level of closeness with you that would make this party welcome.

Alternately, would you be more comfortable with a couple's shower?

Mikayla

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2014, 04:46:05 PM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having a wedding shower."I'm going to have to decline."

Don't offer suggestions of a different type because they offered a shower. As the guest of honor you accept what is offered or turn it down.

This, especially the bolded.  Also, sometimes education goes a long way.  If the hostess asks why or pushes, you might have to explain to her what the etiquette is on showers, and that you prefer to abide by that rule.

lellah

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2014, 10:36:58 AM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having a wedding shower."I'm going to have to decline."

Don't offer suggestions of a different type because they offered a shower. As the guest of honor you accept what is offered or turn it down.

This, especially the bolded.  Also, sometimes education goes a long way.  If the hostess asks why or pushes, you might have to explain to her what the etiquette is on showers, and that you prefer to abide by that rule.

Does this seem chilly?  I genuinely like these women.  I don't want to shut down their hospitality and explain why their manners are poor.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2014, 11:10:25 AM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having a wedding shower."I'm going to have to decline."

Don't offer suggestions of a different type because they offered a shower. As the guest of honor you accept what is offered or turn it down.

This, especially the bolded.  Also, sometimes education goes a long way.  If the hostess asks why or pushes, you might have to explain to her what the etiquette is on showers, and that you prefer to abide by that rule.

Does this seem chilly?  I genuinely like these women.  I don't want to shut down their hospitality and explain why their manners are poor.

I wouldn't try to educate them but imagine a conversation like this.

Friend: I was talking to Ellen about a wedding shower for you. Do you think April would be a good time.
You: Oh, I prefer to not have a wedding shower. But thank you for the offer.
Friend: Why in the world not?  They are so much fun and Ellen and I would really like to host one.
Friend: It's just not something that I had planned on. Also, since we are having a really small wedding. And in my background only people invited to the wedding are invited to a bridal shower so I'd feel a little off having guests there that I couldn't invite to our wedding ceremony, you know what I mean? But I really do appreciate you guys offering. Maybe instead of a shower, we can get a few people to go out for a girls night? Nothing big, and no presents, and everyone dutch treat.

Mikayla

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2014, 01:33:51 PM »


Does this seem chilly?  I genuinely like these women.  I don't want to shut down their hospitality and explain why their manners are poor.

Actually, I think you may be right.  I guess it's all in how you define "education".  I liked Hmmm's way of putting it better than my suggestion, especially using the phrase "in my background". 

But I've also been the recipient of someone just explaining it to me.  My first bridesmaid experience was the summer after we graduated from college, and I decided to throw a massive shower.  I wanted to invite our whole sorority, all the bride's family, her orchestra buddies, even some SO's from her guy's fraternity.  I even told some of these people and issued verbal invites.  It was in a park, so the more the merrier, and she'd get cool gifts.

Somebody had to stop me in my tracks :)  It was actually the bride's mom who took me aside and gently explained why my good intentions were leading straight to ehell.  I'm glad she did, and I understood perfectly once it got pointed out.

bah12

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2014, 03:28:45 PM »
I would think all you need to say is "Thank you so much for the offer but I'm not having a wedding shower."I'm going to have to decline."

Don't offer suggestions of a different type because they offered a shower. As the guest of honor you accept what is offered or turn it down.

This, especially the bolded.  Also, sometimes education goes a long way.  If the hostess asks why or pushes, you might have to explain to her what the etiquette is on showers, and that you prefer to abide by that rule.

Does this seem chilly?  I genuinely like these women.  I don't want to shut down their hospitality and explain why their manners are poor.

I don't think I would "educate" or "explain" anything about etiquette when having these conversations.  I think even an attempt to be as nice as possible about it would backfire.  The bottom line is this has nothing to do with etiquette rules and everything to do with your preferences (even if etiquette rules play a part in your preferences) and I think that's what you need to get across if they push you for reasons. 

Kaymar

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Re: Please don't throw me a party...
« Reply #14 on: January 17, 2014, 03:33:09 PM »
I can totally relate.  I have some very good friends who want to throw me a bridal shower and it is just not something I am comfortable with.  In my case I just said plainly, "that is so sweet of you, but I am not comfortable with the whole shower thing."  They had also mentioned a bachelorette party, which is obviously different in that it doesn't involve gifts, so I said, vaguely but nicely (I think), "I would love to go out and celebrate with you some time before the wedding."  That said, the friends in my case will be invited to the wedding.  I don't know what I'd do if, for example, people at work suggested an outing, since I'm not inviting anyone from work.