Author Topic: Told off by relatives for announcing a pregnancy early - miscarriage mentioned  (Read 10124 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

aussie_chick

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 370
aussie_man and I have just found out that we're having a baby. We're only about 6 weeks along but I feel great and it's an exciting time for us. Both extremely happy.
We knew that the standard for telling everyone is after about 12 weeks however we decided that we were excited and wanted to share this with our family. Only immediate family has been told on each side.
The issue has arisen though that one family member said "I wish you hadn't told me. I'm going to stress for the next 6 weeks now because chances are you'll have a miscarriage. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know. I wish you'd kept it to yourself."

One other family member said "it's not polite to tell until 12 weeks you know. something might happen."
 
I had no idea it could be considered rude to tell before the "12 week wait" had elapsed. I thought it was what some people did because they didn't want to tell people if something went awry and have to explain that they were no longer pregnant.

I've read a stack on the internet about this since we found out and many people choose to tell early because they are excited and they want to share their excitement with family. And also they feel that telling early is not going to change whatever is going to happen and that regardless of what happens, this pregnancy happened and this baby is wanted. I guess that's where we sit.

This is our first pregnancy and we have absolutely no clue what is going on.

1. Did we behave rudely or selfishly by sharing news early?
2. What is a polite response to people who have said this (providing they ever say it again)?


violinp

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3569
  • cabbagegirl28's my sister :)
You were not rude in the slightest. The people who insinuated you were borrowing trouble, however, are terribly rude.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


hyzenthlay

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8750
No it's not rude. But IF (big big big if) something goes wrong obviously these people are not the ones you'll want to turn to for support  :P

If you don't mind that there is a slim chance you'll be sharing bad news I don't think it's rude to share the good news early.

Most pregnancies do not end in miscarriage, but most miscarriages do occur before 12 weeks. That's the reason for the delay. Just say 'I'm sorry to have told you, I didn't intend to disturb you.' and drop the subject.

All that said . . . Congratulations!

BestNanaEver

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7
  • http://crapthenameescapesme.proboards.com/
    • Crap, the name escapes me
Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I don't think you were rude at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I told everyone and it was well before the 12 week mark.

Those people who said those things to you were very rude and should have shared in your joy instead. I would never dream of saying things like that to someone.

TheaterDiva1

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1454
I also vote not rude at all... And  as for a polite response, I'd smile (because this IS a good thing) and say "We were so excited we couldn't keep it to ourselves!"  Reinforce that this is a HAPPY announcement.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30570
I'd be tempted to let them know through my tone of voice that I was hurt.

"I'm sorry to have put you in a position where you might need to support me through a painful emotional time. I'll be sure never to tell you when I got for a cancer screening, then, since I wouldn't want you to worry."

Yeesh!

I think they're really inconsiderate here. And selfish--if you miscarry, their biggest worry is their OWN feelings?

Look, I've never had a daughter miscarry, or even be pregnant, and I've never miscarried.
I've had friends who miscarried.

The person who suffers most is the parent. It's really not that big a deal to other people.

These people aren't going to lose their own child--they'll lose the potential of a grandchild, that's all. Not that they won't be sad, but they really shouldn't be devastated--certainly not so much that they'd guilty you for sharing happy news with them.

Happy and health baby!

Iris

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3867
Congratulations! How exciting!

I had a good friend who told several people very early that she was pregnant. When I asked her about the decision (because sometimes I'm tactful that way  :-[ ) she explained that she decided to tell the people that she would want the support of should she miscarry. Seemed like a sensible idea to me.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

GreenEyedHawk

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2092
  • Not hot but SPICY
    • My Facebook.  Feel free to add me!
Congratulations!

I don't think it's "rude" at all!  It's your news and you share it with whoever you want, at whatever stage you want.  It's not anyone else's decision but yours and it definitely isn't rude.
"After all this time?"
"Always."

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17630
Congratulations!

Whoever gave you that *speech* on why you shouldn't tell is extremely stupid, sorry. There are some things you just.don't. say. And telling a pregnant woman " chances are you'll have a miscarriage is not only rude, but also not true and stupid.

Please don't let these remarks dwell in your head. Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy !

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

lollylegs

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 596
The issue has arisen though that one family member said "I wish you hadn't told me. I'm going to stress for the next 6 weeks now because chances are you'll have a miscarriage. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know. I wish you'd kept it to yourself."

 :o :o :o

This is the only rudeness I see in your OP. I can't believe someone actually said that to you! As someone who is ten weeks along, I'm furious on your behalf!

Congratulations and don't worry about your silly family.

lorelai

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 176
I'm really sorry you are dealing with such insensitivities! It's completely rude of them, and I don't excuse what they say at all. But by way of explanation, I think the general population suffers from foot-in-the-mouth disease when it comes to pregnancy. Even when I wasn't pregnant I had people saying unbelievable things to me about my belly. Then when I was pregnant. Then when I miscarried. And now that I'm expecting again. There's something about having a baby that makes people think they have a right to advise or control the outcome.

Making a list of all the crappy things people said to me actually made me feel better, so that might help for you!

I don't think you were rude. As for a polite response, maybe something like this? (And these suggestions are mostly because you are close to them, as I wouldn't necessarily school an acquaintance or a stranger).

"Actually only 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I wish you'd keep that kind of negativity to yourself. We told you because you're close enough to us that if we do miscarry, we want your support."

"It's also not polite to warn pregnant women about miscarriages. We know and understand the risks, and would appreciate some positivity."

If I was really close to them I would feel comfortable saying something like "Uh oh, foot in the mouth disease! On what planet is it OK to say something like that to a pregnant woman? Sheesh!"

Congratulations!

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30570
I think this would be very fair to say:

Quote
I wish you'd keep that kind of negativity to yourself.
It's what they said to you, actually.

hannahmollysmom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1291
Congratulations!

So, because these people think you shouldn't have said anything, they think you still wouldn't grieve if something happened? They were rude, not you!

It's not about them, it's about you! Enjoy your happiness, and the heck with them!

Mel the Redcap

  • Scheming Foreign Hussy!
  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 935
What the bleep.

You did nothing wrong. What was said to you was incredibly, incredibly rude and potentially very hurtful. Are these people normally complete Negative Nellies? Do they tell people who are talking about upcoming exams "Oh, I wish you hadn't told me. You'll probably fail, you know"?

When I was pregnant last year, I couldn't keep it to myself, but we did manage to restrain ourselves a bit and only told a few people who I would want to tell for support if I miscarried - people who would end up finding out anyway. Sadly we did lose Squidlet, but only one person said anything negative (My sister. When I told her how far along I was, she replied something like "Oh, I won't get excited yet then, you've still got a good chance of a miscarriage." >:() and as a result I left it up to our mother to pass on the bad news later. Damned if I was going to give her the chance to say "I told you so".

...yeah, I may still be a tad bitter about that.

*ahem* Anyway. Congratulations! I hope you have an awesomely uneventful pregnancy and nobody else gets foot-in-mouth disease like those twerps! (And if anyone does, I suggest "Wow. That's a horrible thing to say!" as a response.)
"Set aphasia to stun!"

sweetonsno

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1394
I what?  ???

First of all, congratulations! I wish you a safe, healthy, and comfortable pregnancy and delivery. (And a baby who starts sleeping through the night faster than usual!)

Absent any sort of cultural rule (like the "no gifts before a baby is born" situation in another thread), I don't think you were rude at all. It sounds like you were surprised by the reaction, so I'm guessing that such a "rule" doesn't exist. You're fine.

If someone mentions the risk of miscarriage again, I'm all for "What a dreadful thing to say" or "Why would you even suggest such a thing?" If you get a "I wish you hadn't told me," I'd probably tell them that I wouldn't make the mistake again.