Author Topic: Told off by relatives for announcing a pregnancy early - miscarriage mentioned  (Read 10747 times)

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Georgie

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Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know.
 

Interesting statistic

menley

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Wow.

First of all, congratulations!

Second - you were not in any way rude, and these relatives were unbelievably rude.

I can understand their thinking, in a way - my sister-in-law announced her pregnancy incredibly early (like, 4 weeks along) and my husband and I both were both a little bit wary. Thank goodness it has all turned out well (happy healthy boy who's now about 4 months old!) but we were both thinking of all the pain she might have to go through if something did happen (she didn't just announce it to family - she posted it to Facebook, and she doesn't have any privacy settings active, so everyone saw it).

The difference is that while we privately said to ourselves that we were worried for her, we never, EVER would have said anything to her or her husband.

aussie_chick

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Thanks everyone for their responses. Everyone's posts were lovely and I appreciate the congratulations.

I think a few of these things might be happening.
1. People suffering from foot in mouth when it comes to pregnancy - i agree. seemed to be no filter in what people thought and what they said.
2. I think you can tactfully ask about someone's pregnancy - like Iris said. But it's the tact and the relationship that's important. My sister who is amazing and very practical asked how long I was. When I told her she said "oh good, I have stacks of time to plan how i'm going to spoil your little gremlin!"
3. And I absolutely see where menley is coming from. What you say in private, with concern, is different to what you say to someone's face.

Thank you all. I guess in my emotion filled day I was throwing my hands up in the air thinking "oh my god, something else i've gotten wrong in this baby caper since I have no bleeping clue what i'm doing!"

To the other posters expecting or TTC - i wish you all the very best .

LifeOnPluto

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Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know.
 

Interesting statistic

Yep. I'm not really maternal, and have never been pregnant, but even I know that "fact" is completely wrong.

bonyk

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Nothing brings out the doctors that forgot to go to med school like a pregnancy!

I think something like, "I'm sharing this news because I want you to share in my joy.  If something unfortunate happens, I want to be able to have your emotional support."

CakeEater

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Thank you all. I guess in my emotion filled day I was throwing my hands up in the air thinking "oh my god, something else i've gotten wrong in this baby caper since I have no bleeping clue what i'm doing!"



Congratulations! You were fine, they were rude.

And get used to this feeling! To look at it in a 'silver lining' kind of way - it's a good lesson to learn early that people will be very keen to tell you what you should be doing, and to feel free to make your own choices, even if you feel like you have no idea what you're doing.

nayberry

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Congrats,   i think the people who had something mean to say were unbelievably horrid!

a friend of mine has had the heartache of several miscarriages and my heart breaks for her, but i wouldn't dream of being anything but delighted if she told me she was pregnant.

Redsoil

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Well, it seems they're making this all about THEM!  How silly.  Of course there may be concern, but they're being overly-dramatic (not to mention putting worries in YOUR head).

Tell them that as they're so prone to worry, you'll make sure not to let the know when you go into labour, just in case they have the awful burden of worrying about THAT!

Congrats on your good news!  Enjoy your happiness.
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Psychopoesie

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Please ignore the idiots with foot in mouth disease.

Congrats on your fab news.  :)

Margo

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First off, Congratulations!

Secondly: No, of course you weren't rude.
It's true that many people chose not to share news of a pregnancy until thy are further along, but that's their choice. And telling people sooner is your choice.

It was staggeringly rude and inconsiderate for people to make that kind of comment to you - and "what a horrible thing to say" would be an entirely reasonable response.

Itza

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"I wish you hadn't told me. I'm going to stress for the next 6 weeks now because chances are you'll have a miscarriage. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know. I wish you'd kept it to yourself."

Is that so? Well, I've only been pregnant twice and I have two sons from those pregnancies.

Most pregnancies do not end in miscarriage, but most miscarriages do occur before 12 weeks. That's the reason for the delay.

That sounds more like it.


I'm sorry you have received a negative reception to your good news.

Ignore them. They're not worth it.

Many congratulations on your news! xxx




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Hollanda

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aussie_man and I have just found out that we're having a baby. We're only about 6 weeks along but I feel great and it's an exciting time for us. Both extremely happy.
We knew that the standard for telling everyone is after about 12 weeks however we decided that we were excited and wanted to share this with our family. Only immediate family has been told on each side.
The issue has arisen though that one family member said "I wish you hadn't told me. I'm going to stress for the next 6 weeks now because chances are you'll have a miscarriage. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know. I wish you'd kept it to yourself."

One other family member said "it's not polite to tell until 12 weeks you know. something might happen."

I had no idea it could be considered rude to tell before the "12 week wait" had elapsed. I thought it was what some people did because they didn't want to tell people if something went awry and have to explain that they were no longer pregnant.

I've read a stack on the internet about this since we found out and many people choose to tell early because they are excited and they want to share their excitement with family. And also they feel that telling early is not going to change whatever is going to happen and that regardless of what happens, this pregnancy happened and this baby is wanted. I guess that's where we sit.

This is our first pregnancy and we have absolutely no clue what is going on.

1. Did we behave rudely or selfishly by sharing news early?
2. What is a polite response to people who have said this (providing they ever say it again)?

1. No!
2. "I wish you hadn't told me that.  I am choosing to ignore your comment."
 
Really, some people have absolutely no clue.  I think maybe in the case of the bolded, it could have been (I guess) that the speaker has had recent experience of this happening and therefore felt uncomfortable with you telling her so early on, and such discomfort led to her "blurting" in a momentary state of brain ceasing to function and mouth going into frantic overdrive. However, if someone said it to me in that situation, I doubt I would be so forgiving, KWIM?
 
Please don't worry (it is not true, "most" pregnancies don't end in miscarriage, but if they do it usually - but not always - happens before the end of the first trimester.) Enjoy a healthy and happy pregnancy and keep us updated! xxx
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hajisaurus

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First of all - CONGRATS! Second, this thread reminds me of my pregnancy, which culminated thankfully in my beautiful baby boy almost a year ago. We kept the news under wraps for well after 16 weeks, because I was paranoid about losing the baby. Btw, the chance of miscarriage is small, but it does happen more frequently earlier. Still, if you're expecting, and you want to tell people, tell them. Your family was beyond rude and unsupportive to make statements like that. Like you're not already worrying about those things, comments like that help no one. Feel free to leave any family member who treats you that way out of any further updates about your little one. :)

TootsNYC

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Congratulations!

So, because these people think you shouldn't have said anything, they think you still wouldn't grieve if something happened? They were rude, not you!

It's not about them, it's about you! Enjoy your happiness, and the heck with them!

They're not worried about her feelings--they're worried about their own.

You're right, it shouldn't be about them--but they're making it be about them.

TootsNYC

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Thank you all. I guess in my emotion filled day I was throwing my hands up in the air thinking "oh my god, something else i've gotten wrong in this baby caper since I have no bleeping clue what i'm doing!"



Congratulations! You were fine, they were rude.

And get used to this feeling! To look at it in a 'silver lining' kind of way - it's a good lesson to learn early that people will be very keen to tell you what you should be doing, and to feel free to make your own choices, even if you feel like you have no idea what you're doing.

One other thought--nobody knows what they're doing. Not really. They may like to act as though they do, but we're all winging it.

My dad, who had 4 of us, said, "When you have your first kid, you don't know what you're doing.
   "When you have your second kid, you think, 'oh, I've done this before,' but eventually you realize that you don't know what you're doing, bcs this one is a different kid.
    "Then Kid No. 3 comes along, and you think, 'hey, I've done this twice w/ two different kids; I know what I'm doing!' and then you realize this is a completely else kid, and you still don't know what you're doing.
    "When the fourth kid comes along, you realize, nobody knows what they're doing."

It was very comforting to me, to realize that my own parents, whom I admired and who I thought knew -everything- really didn't know what they were doing either.