Author Topic: Told off by relatives for announcing a pregnancy early - miscarriage mentioned  (Read 10419 times)

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BeagleMommy

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Oh, for the love of Nutella, people never cease to amaze me!

Congratulations, Aussie Chick!  Don't worry about not knowing what you're doing.  DS is 22 and sometimes I wonder how he made it past delivery.  Everyone feels that way.

Be prepared for all kinds of strange and unsolicited advice.  Everyone will have an opinion on what you should/should not be doing during your pregnancy.

I would go with "I'll give that all the consideration it deserves" or "My doctor and I have it under control".  For the ones who were rude when you announced you could have said "Wow, did you really just say that out loud?".

JeanFromBNA

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Accularis beat me to it. 

Good gravy, what's the matter with them?  They can't be happy for you?  There is no such etiquette rule of which I am aware.  My niece announced her good news at two weeks (I guess pregnancy tests are really accurate now).  Five months later, she's still pregnant. 

Congratulations!

jedikaiti

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CONGRATS!!!!!

Those people are batty. Just ignore them, and leave them out of the loop going forward. Should save you and baby a lot of undue stress.
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gramma dishes

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Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

The bad news is that some of your relatives are total idiots.  The good news is that now you know which ones will be the last to be told of your child's birth -- or anything else going on in your life.  Let the culling begin!!   ;)

SoCalVal

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I don't think it's rude at all to announce before 12 weeks, but I'd be inclined, should there be another child, to not tell them at all.



Oh Joy

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CONGRATULATIONS!   <==== The only thing they're supposed to say.  :)  Negative stuff is not allowed to the pregnant momma.  Period.

That said, you did post here for our advice and opinions, so here goes:  Please remember through your whole journey that everyone else has their own experience with pregnancies and babies, even if they're not a parent.  Each person approaches each stage of pregnancy with their own version of cautious optimism, from the moment of the event that causes it all the way through having a healthy baby home from the hospital.  For example, some people prefer to wait until the statistical miscarriage drop around 13 weeks before getting their hearts set on a new life, some - like on another current thread here - prefer to not give or receive material baby gifts during pregnancy, and others are uncomfortable using a child's name before it is born.

Prepare for this child at whatever speed is right for you and your DH.  But don't forget that other people's paces may be different, and you may make them uncomfortable by pushing them into yours.

Enjoy the ride, and best wishes!






cutejellybeen

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Congratulations on your pregnancy Aussie_chick!! So pleased for you!!

We had a similar response from my Sister-in-law when we told her at 8 weeks with  my first pregnancy, but in her case it was because SHE didnt want to keep a secret. Unfortunately we lost that pregnancy, but lesson learned did not tell her about the next one until 11.5 weeks, just before we told the world. She was happier that way and so was I.



Drunken Housewife

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I had this happen, too, from two people:  my MIL and one of my husband's best friends.  Both responded very negatively to being told right after we took the test that we were expecting.

My point of view is that you should tell before 12 weeks only the people you would want to know if it doesn't turn out well.  For each of us that is different.  I think you were completely polite to tell family early and that (like in my case) it was rude and insensitive of those who said something other than, "Congratulations!  I'm so happy for you!"

Best of luck to you with the rest of your pregnancy!
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Piratelvr1121

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"I wish you hadn't told me. I'm going to stress for the next 6 weeks now because chances are you'll have a miscarriage. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage you know. I wish you'd kept it to yourself."

Is that so? Well, I've only been pregnant twice and I have two sons from those pregnancies.

Likewise, I've been pregnant 3 times and have 3 sons.

I remember being pregnant with my first son and I waited 3 months because I remembered other women in the family doing so when they found out they were expecting.  When I finally did tell my mother I got an attitude and was told "That's ONLY if you have a history of miscarriages!"  As though a woman's not in danger of having a miscarriage unless she'd already had one, and this was my first pregnancy. Anything was possible though thankfully it didn't turn out that way.

I wouldn't be sharing any more news with these people.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

parrot_girl

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Congratulations on your impending bundle of joy!

You weren't rude in the slightest, and those Negative Nellies (and Normans, if there were any males in the bunch) should have known better than to say such horrible things. People never cease to amaze me.

That said, if somebody had come and told me they were expecting and were 6 weeks along, I would be worried until they were past the 12 week mark, but 1. that's because of my past history (4 pregnancies but only 2 children) and 2. I would never let them know! The most I'd say would be "I wish you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy."

(I have a very clear memory of telling a colleague who I was very close to about my first pregnancy, which I was thrilled about. She spent the next twenty minutes telling me how she'd miscarried on a bus in India.)

White Lotus

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Congratulations and all best wishes!
I LOVE the frosty smile and "How kind of you to say so" as a response to this merde de toro.
Maybe it'll make the jerks think.  But I doubt it.  I am not sure they are capable of it.  But such idiocy is all around with pregnancy and parenting and I don't think you can avoid it entirely, as PPs have pointed out.  Put on your Metaphorical Magic Headset and filter out everything negative you hear, and turn quickly away while leaving.  Don't tell these clowns anything.  Stay out of their orbits. Why some people feel the need to be rude, insensitive idiots is beyond me. 
I am three for three, and you will all be great!

lollylegs

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CONGRATULATIONS!   <==== The only thing they're supposed to say.  :)  Negative stuff is not allowed to the pregnant momma.  Period.

For real. Even if the parents to be are very young or you're not sure if they want a child or not, just say congratulations. Nobody's going to get upset with someone saying congratulations that aren't really felt by the parents, but I will never forget who said, "And is this a good thing?" when I announced my first pregnancy.

Just say congratulations!

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Congrats!

And here I thought I heard everything today. Seriously, does everyone seem to have their brain filters off today? Those are things one should *not* tell a pregant lady, regardless of how far along she is.

Tea Drinker

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Congratulations, and I hope everything goes smoothly.

As for that 1 in 3 statistic, that's what comes out if you include every case where a sperm and an egg fuse as a pregnancy--even the ones that don't implant in the uterine lining, and other situations where the woman never knows or suspects a pregnancy, along with miscarriages in the first couple of weeks, which are only known about if the woman did a very early pregnancy test. (I think it involves statistics and stuff about very early development, since obviously you can't survey women for "have you ever been pregnant and miscarried without knowing it?" Well, not and get anything resembling a useful answer.)

I would add that you should feel no obligation whatsoever to give those relatives any further information about your pregnancy, such as gender (if you choose to find out about that), the names you're considering, or anything about your own health. You aren't obliged not to tell them, either, but it sounds as though it might be less stressful to answer all questions with "I don't want to tell you anything that might disappoint you later."
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

gmatoy

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One other thought--nobody knows what they're doing. Not really. They may like to act as though they do, but we're all winging it.

My dad, who had 4 of us, said, "When you have your first kid, you don't know what you're doing.
   "When you have your second kid, you think, 'oh, I've done this before,' but eventually you realize that you don't know what you're doing, bcs this one is a different kid.
    "Then Kid No. 3 comes along, and you think, 'hey, I've done this twice w/ two different kids; I know what I'm doing!' and then you realize this is a completely else kid, and you still don't know what you're doing.
    "When the fourth kid comes along, you realize, nobody knows what they're doing."

It was very comforting to me, to realize that my own parents, whom I admired and who I thought knew -everything- really didn't know what they were doing either.

I just want to say, I love that your father told you that! I love that he thought it and that he told you!

My mother had seven children and once said that she thought she'd get some over lap of personalities; however, she realized that she could have a dozen and still have no over lap! She said that at a family dinner, shortly after I had my first child. My youngest brother said, "Is that why you stopped? But maybe if you had kept having babies, you would have had twins and then they would be alike." We roared, because two of my friends were identical twins who were nothing alike in personality.


Modified to add: Congratulations and best wishes to the new family, Aussie_chick!
« Last Edit: January 16, 2014, 11:02:22 PM by gmatoy »