Told off by relatives for announcing a pregnancy early - miscarriage mentioned

[oopsie]

You were not rude in the slightest. The people who insinuated you were borrowing trouble, however, are terribly rude.

POD, POD, POD!!!

P.S. Congratulations! 

[Peregrine]

OP, congratulations    You weren't rude in the slightest....You see, I'm in the same position.  I'm 10 weeks along with my second at the moment.  I pretty much started telling anyone who saw me in person at 5 weeks, because well, I already look pregnant  

Apparently with subsequent pregnancies your abs are already pretty shot and it was pretty obvious between the morning/all day sickness, the Seabands on my wrists, and the tummy.  Denial would have been pretty silly.  I have however not made a big announcement on social media, and will not, most likely until after our 17-20 week scan. 

There are 8 other ladies in my immediate social group who are all pregnant, all but one of us with our second kiddo.  The one who is pregnant with her first waited to announce....everyone else has told in-person friends and waited to make a Facebook announcement.  I think you are pretty safe in what you did.

[lorelai]

What gets me about this is that you only told your immediate families! You didn't make some big announcement. You didn't do anything wrong at all.

[Lynda_34]

I will read all the posts, however, I didn't miscarry, I delivered a healthy perfect stillborn child.  He had died due to a "cord accident".  At some point he'd compressed the cord and died.  It took me five years to accept this event.  By then I had two healthy children ages 5 and 1 who would not have existed if I had delivered my firstborn alive.  He would have had brain damage and other disabilities so I would have devoted my life to his needs.  I'm not saying that his being stillborn was a good thing, he was born over 30 years ago.  I still observe his birth/death day and his birthstone is in my mother's ring.  I never got to know him but he was a part of my life and I acknowledge that.

I think you did the right thing and your relatives are self centered and rude to you.

[cb140]

Lynda_34, I'm so sorry for your loss.  and OP - congratulations on your pregnancy! Of course you weren't rude, and those naysayers were - incredibly so. I think there's a difference between announcing at 6 weeks to your close family and going all out, buying cribs and decorating the nursery. Not that that is rude, but it is perhaps unwise. But just telling those close to you? I would hope, should the worst happen, that those would be people who would help and support you (although I wonder, from the sound of some of them).

From someone who has been through a couple of early miscarriages, but also a number of happy and healthy pregnancies - I would say there's no point in being negative. Sensible, yes. But to allow others to overwhelm you with negativity about "most pregnancies ending in miscarriage" (NOT true, btw. A fair proportion of *conceptions* do, but by six weeks things have moved well beyond that stage) isn't helpful to anybody. What will be will be. Fixating and worrying about miscarriage is not going to make any difference. 

[Ceallach]

People are rude to make your news about them and their feelings.  It's just like announcing an engagement and having them say "Oh you can't get married yet, I want to lose some weight for the photos!" or announcing a new job and them saying "But I really liked the benefits at your old one!"    It's self-absorbed and rude. 

I actually just told some friends today about my current pregnancy (I'm 7.5 weeks along so about the same as you I think?).  They were really excited for me even though I did remind them that it's early days and we're just cautiously optimistic.   But I told them because we see each other 2-4 times every week and I know they will guess anyway, and if it all goes wrong I'd probably want to tell them and have their support.  In fact if I was really unwell I'd get them to watch my son while I dealt with the miscarriage (touch wood I hope it doesn't come to that).

Before ever getting pregnant I always believed religiously in the don't tell until 12 weeks rule.  Then with my first pregnancy we had an ultrasound at 8 weeks and our obstetrician told us that basically we now had a 95% chance of a healthy baby.  So I told everyone.  Then we lost that pregnancy at 15 weeks.  Ouch.  But I was glad people knew because I didn't have to explain afterwards why I was exhausted and looked like c**p (physically I had a long recovery from the pregnancy ending).   I'd always been a really proud person and it was quite a life-changing experience for me letting people feel sorry for me and have sympathy.  It was humbling in a really good way.  Weirdly I'm happy that I had that experience.  It also showed me how much DH really wanted a baby (he isn't a hugely vocal person so I didn't realise how keen he was until I saw how hard it hit him).  And it gave us a little more time to be prepared in terms of life and finances.  So I don't regret telling early!

Our 2nd pregnancy with our son we told some people early - people we trusted and would want to know either way.  I didn't make any *announcement* until 20 weeks (facebook official! Lol!) but it certainly wasn't a big secret.     

[NyaChan]

I agree with the others - that person was very clearly attempting to make the special moment about them and their own feelings.  Probably someone who doesn't like or doesn't want to have the limelight be on others. 

I would ignore them if possible, out of a desire not to point out just how stupid the comment was (especially since I'd be secure in the knowledge that the people around me would figure that out all on their own) and thereby draw additional attention to their ridiculousness.

[cabbagegirl28]

People are rude to make your news about them and their feelings.  It's just like announcing an engagement and having them say "Oh you can't get married yet, I want to lose some weight for the photos!" or announcing a new job and them saying "But I really liked the benefits at your old one!"    It's self-absorbed and rude. 

This is so true. People who really care about you won't say nasty things like that.

[Kimblee]

Thank you all. I guess in my emotion filled day I was throwing my hands up in the air thinking "oh my god, something else i've gotten wrong in this baby caper since I have no bleeping clue what i'm doing!"

Congratulations! You were fine, they were rude.

And get used to this feeling! To look at it in a 'silver lining' kind of way - it's a good lesson to learn early that people will be very keen to tell you what you should be doing, and to feel free to make your own choices, even if you feel like you have no idea what you're doing.

One other thought--nobody knows what they're doing. Not really. They may like to act as though they do, but we're all winging it.

My dad, who had 4 of us, said, "When you have your first kid, you don't know what you're doing.
   "When you have your second kid, you think, 'oh, I've done this before,' but eventually you realize that you don't know what you're doing, bcs this one is a different kid.
    "Then Kid No. 3 comes along, and you think, 'hey, I've done this twice w/ two different kids; I know what I'm doing!' and then you realize this is a completely else kid, and you still don't know what you're doing.
    "When the fourth kid comes along, you realize, nobody knows what they're doing."

It was very comforting to me, to realize that my own parents, whom I admired and who I thought knew -everything- really didn't know what they were doing either.

A woman I know through a knitting online group has over 15 kids. (I know that because several years ago we celebrated #15, who was a tiny preemie.) Apparently its pretty easy to end up with a number like that if you're a foster parent for 20+ years, and willing to adopt ANY kid you're offered the chance at.

She told me that parenting gets SO much more fun when you admit to yourself that you haven't a clue what you're doing and never will, so you might as well make the best decisions you can and have some fun with it. She also told me that this philosophy can end in a family photo where Mom, 4 of the kids and a grandkid all have blue and pink streaked hair.

Congrats on the start of a crazy and wonderful journey OP, hope everything works out fantastic and your bub gives you plenty of gray hairs. And for the record, my cousin told me about her pregnancies the minute a second pink line showed up. (The first time the line showed up while I was holding the stupid test. She didn't want to touch it and told me since I changed our grand-dad's cath I should do it for her. ikk.) And when she lost one... well that hurt. A lot. But it hurt her much more, and it wasn't about me. It was about someone I love, and someone I'm sure I would've loved.

You need nicer family, but it seems sometime in October you've got that covered. 

[Ceallach]

OP here.
You know, I think you're right. I was thinking back to the conversation that started all this and the relative I was speaking to was very much thinking about them, what they've heard, what they think, what they worry about. I realised I was yet to hear an actual "congratulations" from the 2 relatives in question.
Given I have a tendency to stress about things, partner and I have decided to not involve them in any more baby discussions at the moment. We will continue to update those in the family who ask and who offer support but not those who have offered negativity.

I think for me the shock factor was thinking "don't you think I haven't already worried about the worst myself without you adding to it?"

I don't think they're being malicious, just absolutely clueless.

Partner was speaking with one family member (on his side and one of the negative ones) who was asking questions about how i'm going and he bean dipped a few times or gave "good" as an answer. At one point, relative said "you're not giving me much. You know how worried I am." and Partner (I love him to bits!) responded with "and that's exactly why i'm not saying much since it seemed to cause you so much worry and I know how much this news must have affected you. Anyway how are you going?"

He relayed this conversation to me and said family member looked a bit taken aback but then mumbled a few things and went on their way. I realise his response may have been snarky but I figure he gets a pass on the snark with this one.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and congratulations as well as your thoughts on this.  I figure I have raised a couple of healthy fur babies without mishap so i've got the basics of feeding and keeping babies safe. Other than that, i'll learn as I go and do the very best I can. This is partner's view too.

Lynda_34 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no doubt that no matter how long ago your beautiful son was born sleeping he will always be part of your life.

Ceallach congratulations on your pregnancy. We're not far off the same date. I wish you all the very best !

Thanks!

And you know what?    The fur baby thing totally works, it really is good practice.  DH and I were already used to being woken up at the crack of dawn, and sometimes throughout the night.    We were used to having to think about their needs and factor them into our plans.   We're used to spending lots of time giving them attention and stimulation. 

The only real difference is that DS can't be locked in the house alone when we go out!           Seriously, I know it's fashionable to talk about how hard having a newborn and being a parent is (it feels that way to me at least), and it's great that people are open about the challenges to support those who are struggling.   But in all honesty, I haven't found it that bad.   Sure my son spent the first 6 months of his life staying up until 10pm at night (he took awhile to adjust day vs. night) and needed to be rocked to sleep for all of his naps (if we put him down he woke up), but because I didn't try to fight it I didn't find it stressful - we just did whatever worked!    I figured as long as everybody is getting rest and is happy that's all that matters.   Now he is 1 and has learnt how to sleep in his cot which is great.  But my point is that most of the things new parents think are a big deal really aren't - I've seen all the ladies in my mother's group stressing over little things that really aren't important in the greater scheme of things.   DH and I just relaxed and went with the flow, followed the cues from our baby and did what worked.  And our son seems to be one of the happiest in his age group and is doing amazing in terms of milestones etc, so I don't think any of the stressing would have made a difference!    So enjoy this phase of your life, it passes so fast!   I'll cross my fingers for you as well as for me that our tiny little bubbas inside grow big and strong and join our families in 7 months time.   

[CakeEater]

OP here.
You know, I think you're right. I was thinking back to the conversation that started all this and the relative I was speaking to was very much thinking about them, what they've heard, what they think, what they worry about. I realised I was yet to hear an actual "congratulations" from the 2 relatives in question.
Given I have a tendency to stress about things, partner and I have decided to not involve them in any more baby discussions at the moment. We will continue to update those in the family who ask and who offer support but not those who have offered negativity.

I think for me the shock factor was thinking "don't you think I haven't already worried about the worst myself without you adding to it?"

I don't think they're being malicious, just absolutely clueless.

Partner was speaking with one family member (on his side and one of the negative ones) who was asking questions about how i'm going and he bean dipped a few times or gave "good" as an answer. At one point, relative said "you're not giving me much. You know how worried I am." and Partner (I love him to bits!) responded with "and that's exactly why i'm not saying much since it seemed to cause you so much worry and I know how much this news must have affected you. Anyway how are you going?"

He relayed this conversation to me and said family member looked a bit taken aback but then mumbled a few things and went on their way. I realise his response may have been snarky but I figure he gets a pass on the snark with this one.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and congratulations as well as your thoughts on this.  I figure I have raised a couple of healthy fur babies without mishap so i've got the basics of feeding and keeping babies safe. Other than that, i'll learn as I go and do the very best I can. This is partner's view too.

Lynda_34 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no doubt that no matter how long ago your beautiful son was born sleeping he will always be part of your life.

Ceallach congratulations on your pregnancy. We're not far off the same date. I wish you all the very best !

Thanks!

And you know what?    The fur baby thing totally works, it really is good practice.  DH and I were already used to being woken up at the crack of dawn, and sometimes throughout the night.    We were used to having to think about their needs and factor them into our plans.   We're used to spending lots of time giving them attention and stimulation. 

The only real difference is that DS can't be locked in the house alone when we go out!           Seriously, I know it's fashionable to talk about how hard having a newborn and being a parent is (it feels that way to me at least), and it's great that people are open about the challenges to support those who are struggling.   But in all honesty, I haven't found it that bad.   Sure my son spent the first 6 months of his life staying up until 10pm at night (he took awhile to adjust day vs. night) and needed to be rocked to sleep for all of his naps (if we put him down he woke up), but because I didn't try to fight it I didn't find it stressful - we just did whatever worked!    I figured as long as everybody is getting rest and is happy that's all that matters.   Now he is 1 and has learnt how to sleep in his cot which is great.  But my point is that most of the things new parents think are a big deal really aren't - I've seen all the ladies in my mother's group stressing over little things that really aren't important in the greater scheme of things.   DH and I just relaxed and went with the flow, followed the cues from our baby and did what worked.  And our son seems to be one of the happiest in his age group and is doing amazing in terms of milestones etc, so I don't think any of the stressing would have made a difference!    So enjoy this phase of your life, it passes so fast!   I'll cross my fingers for you as well as for me that our tiny little bubbas inside grow big and strong and join our families in 7 months time.   

And if you *do* find it really difficult, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong or not been relaxed enough. Fashionable or not, sometimes it is really difficult for lots of different reasons. Wishing you an easy time of it, OP!

[Ceallach]

OP here.
You know, I think you're right. I was thinking back to the conversation that started all this and the relative I was speaking to was very much thinking about them, what they've heard, what they think, what they worry about. I realised I was yet to hear an actual "congratulations" from the 2 relatives in question.
Given I have a tendency to stress about things, partner and I have decided to not involve them in any more baby discussions at the moment. We will continue to update those in the family who ask and who offer support but not those who have offered negativity.

I think for me the shock factor was thinking "don't you think I haven't already worried about the worst myself without you adding to it?"

I don't think they're being malicious, just absolutely clueless.

Partner was speaking with one family member (on his side and one of the negative ones) who was asking questions about how i'm going and he bean dipped a few times or gave "good" as an answer. At one point, relative said "you're not giving me much. You know how worried I am." and Partner (I love him to bits!) responded with "and that's exactly why i'm not saying much since it seemed to cause you so much worry and I know how much this news must have affected you. Anyway how are you going?"

He relayed this conversation to me and said family member looked a bit taken aback but then mumbled a few things and went on their way. I realise his response may have been snarky but I figure he gets a pass on the snark with this one.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and congratulations as well as your thoughts on this.  I figure I have raised a couple of healthy fur babies without mishap so i've got the basics of feeding and keeping babies safe. Other than that, i'll learn as I go and do the very best I can. This is partner's view too.

Lynda_34 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no doubt that no matter how long ago your beautiful son was born sleeping he will always be part of your life.

Ceallach congratulations on your pregnancy. We're not far off the same date. I wish you all the very best !

Thanks!

And you know what?    The fur baby thing totally works, it really is good practice.  DH and I were already used to being woken up at the crack of dawn, and sometimes throughout the night.    We were used to having to think about their needs and factor them into our plans.   We're used to spending lots of time giving them attention and stimulation. 

The only real difference is that DS can't be locked in the house alone when we go out!           Seriously, I know it's fashionable to talk about how hard having a newborn and being a parent is (it feels that way to me at least), and it's great that people are open about the challenges to support those who are struggling.   But in all honesty, I haven't found it that bad.   Sure my son spent the first 6 months of his life staying up until 10pm at night (he took awhile to adjust day vs. night) and needed to be rocked to sleep for all of his naps (if we put him down he woke up), but because I didn't try to fight it I didn't find it stressful - we just did whatever worked!    I figured as long as everybody is getting rest and is happy that's all that matters.   Now he is 1 and has learnt how to sleep in his cot which is great.  But my point is that most of the things new parents think are a big deal really aren't - I've seen all the ladies in my mother's group stressing over little things that really aren't important in the greater scheme of things.   DH and I just relaxed and went with the flow, followed the cues from our baby and did what worked.  And our son seems to be one of the happiest in his age group and is doing amazing in terms of milestones etc, so I don't think any of the stressing would have made a difference!    So enjoy this phase of your life, it passes so fast!   I'll cross my fingers for you as well as for me that our tiny little bubbas inside grow big and strong and join our families in 7 months time.   

And if you *do* find it really difficult, it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong or not been relaxed enough. Fashionable or not, sometimes it is really difficult for lots of different reasons. Wishing you an easy time of it, OP!

Yes I should be clearer.  My point wasn't intended to be "Oh it's so easy!" it was intended to be "There really is no point stressing about being perfect it".    Nobody knows what they're doing, so if you just go with the flow and do what works for you and don't be too hard on yourself, it seems we all end up at the same place in the end regardless of how much we stress at the start or beat ourselves up about what we should or shouldn't be doing.      I say this because my biggest frustration when I was having a baby was people constantly telling me how hard it was going to be all the time.  Yes, it is a uniquely challenging experience but it is also awesome and passes very quickly! 

[Iris]

^My baby health nurse gave some great advice - "Give yourself permission to do what it takes to get through the day". Unfortunately I was on to DD2 by then. I could have really used that advice for DD1.

Note: Obviously she wasn't condoning a glass of wine at lunch or anything but DD2 was a comfort feeder and I spent about the first 3 months of her life going about my business with a baby attached. Which is a little unusual, but kept her happy. DD1 cried for the first three months instead because I listened to the people telling me I was 'spoiling' her 

[CityGirlInCowboyBoots]

Congrats!

I too announced early (some people the day I found out or right after, our families at Christmas at like 5weeks 2days, others at various points since then). Ours right now is kind of an open secret in that we've told a lot of people but also have a lot of people that we haven't told and aren't telling until at least second trimester.

I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and a happy and healthy baby when it arrives.

[Kimblee]

Off topic OP, but reading your ticker("Baby's limbs are beginning to form") just now and looking at that cute cartoon baby.

I thought of a baby going "what are these things? Oh hey, I have LIMBS!"