Author Topic: I don't want to sleep at your house.  (Read 10039 times)

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PennyandPleased

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I don't want to sleep at your house.
« on: January 16, 2014, 10:21:08 AM »
BG:  One of my childhood friends has a beachfront home. Up until about 3 years ago she was never allowed to use it because the aunt that formally owned it (she passed away and left it to my friend, her only grandchild) was nutty and would never let anyone near the house. As a result the house fell into terrible disrepair - she was a hoarder.

3 Summers ago when the house became available, my friend invited me down for a long weekend. (2 1/2 hour drive.) I went, excited to spend a weekend on the beach. I almost passed out when I saw the house. It. Is. DISGUSTING. It is packed to the brim with old junk, we are talking floor to ceiling with stuff and tiny pathways in the bedrooms and dining room. Dirty beyond anything you can imagine, smells, dusty, has ants, black mold on everything, and mice. The place is a disaster beyond what I can explain. After spending the day at the beach we came back to the house and while sitting on a chair in the living room a weird bug fell on me - and then that night, while I was laying in bed (THANK GOD I brought my own sheets) I heard something crawling around in the junk on the floor of the bedroom. I genuinely think it was a snake by the sound it was making.

I woke up the next morning with a terrible sore throat, stuffy nose, and irritated eyes. I ended up going home that afternoon (I thought I picked up a freak cold) and realized that the symptoms were a result of the house since they were gone by that night after I got home and showered.

Since that weekend my friend has invited me down to the beach house several times but I always decline the offer or suck it up and go down for just the day since we spend the days outside at the beach. One time I drove down for the day it ended up raining so we watched movies in the house and by the afternoon the sore throat and stuffy nose returned so I am clearly allergic to something in the house. I refuse to sleep there as the place is just so gross. It's been 3 years and the house has not been cleaned or had any work done to it and I know for a fact nothing is being planned for it either. My friend has never commented on the condition of the house and seems to see no issue with it. :END BG

My friend wanted to set up a girls weekend at the beach house this summer. She sent out a few dates to our group of friends. Luckily I genuinely had prior commitments on the weekends she offered. When I told her, she texted me and said to send her a couple weekends I was free because "since you're always so busy I want you to be able to come for the whole weekend so I'll adjust the date around you".  :-\ 

Some things to note:
- Our other friends feel the same way about the gross house, but live much closer than me so day trips are easy for them so they don't usually decline invites for a beach day but after the first visit, none have stayed over since.
- There are only a couple hotels in this beach area, and they are usually around $400.00 a night on a summer weekend. This is out of my budget. I would be willing to split the room with other people - but how would I explain that to friend? She specifically wants a girls weekend at HER house.


I LOVE my friend for wanting me to come down and for being generous with her beach house - but this place is just so awful I can't bring myself to stay. I don't want to hurt my friend by saying "your house makes me sick" but it's the truth. I would love to do a beach weekend with all my girl friends - just not at this house. 

Advice would be appreciated (and I can provide more info as needed).



ScubaGirl

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2014, 10:31:51 AM »
Go with the truth, prefaced with a lot of "I love you and I think you are so generous but......" 


CaffeineKatie

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2014, 10:33:58 AM »
I WOULD say "your house makes me sick", because it is the truth!  Of course, I'd start with other truths--you love to spend time with her, she is VERY generous to offer to host you and others, and you want to see her.  But since you had a strong allergic reaction to the dust in the house and you can't afford the local hotels, you can't take her up on this without ending up at the ER.  She is going to have to clean up the house eventually or the local authorities will come calling; maybe this will be the push she needs to take action?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2014, 10:37:12 AM »
Use your allergies as an excuse?

'I would love to spend a weekend at the beach but my allergies flare terribly at your house and I'm miserable once that happens so I'm going to have to decline.'

The only other option I can see is a group intervention with all of you confronting her on the condition of the house, using Scuba Girl's wording.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

poundcake

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2014, 10:38:16 AM »
I wonder if this is time for one of those "tough love" situations. "Friend, I would love to see you, but the fact is, the beach house is in such a condition that it adversely affects my health to be there. The mold, mice, dust, etc. make it impossible for me to spend any amount of time there without getting seriously sick afterwards. I'm sorry, but it is not possible for me to come."

I had a situation with two beloved family members who were heavy smokers. They would insist that they had "aired things out" or that the windows were open, or that they "wouldn't smoke around me." But I could not stand to be in there, and, after several years of dealing with the problems resulting from staying in their smokey house, I finally had to explain that I would not be making any more overnight trips to see them. Yes, they were offended, but it was a direct consequence of their smoking. I was tired of coming back from an overnight with everything on me and in my bag reeking of smoke (to the point that I would have to air out my suitcase for days, even the inside smelled!), and getting treated for a sinus infection. I hated meeting a friend when I was down there, and the friend asking me if I'd been smoking, or not wanting to sit too near me, because the smell was that bad.

It doesn't seem like you can avoid the elephant in the room anymore. The fact is, unless your friend gets help, and gets that place cleaned and sanitary, she will not have many friends who can come visit her.

Arila

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2014, 10:40:43 AM »
She is your friend, and a reasonable person, you do NOT need to avoid JADEing with her. Go ahead and explain why no weekends work for you to stay the whole weekend. I also agree that you telling her honestly that the condition/cleanliness of the home does make your allergies come out might give her the kick-in-the-pants needed to get that home taken care of.

z_squared82

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2014, 10:42:20 AM »
I donít understand why you would NOT tell her the truth. You love her, your respiratory system hates that house.

I do this all the time since Iím horribly allergic to cats and I know so many people with cats. They are very aware that I have to limit the amount of time I spend in their homes (or in my one friendís case, itís her dogs and the fact that she doesnít know how to clean to save her life and is mostly aware of her lack of cleaning abilities). No one has ever been offended by my lack of ability to breath.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2014, 10:44:32 AM by z_squared82 »

Harriet Jones

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2014, 10:45:20 AM »
I'm with everyone else, just tell her.  The gentler way would be to say that your allergies flare at her house, rather than saying the house is gross and disgusting.

Yvaine

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2014, 10:46:49 AM »
Use your allergies as an excuse?

'I would love to spend a weekend at the beach but my allergies flare terribly at your house and I'm miserable once that happens so I'm going to have to decline.'

Yeah, this.

PennyandPleased

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2014, 10:50:34 AM »
Thank you everyone. I definitely didn't know if this was a case of "her house, her way" and what I could or couldn't say about it.

Yvaine

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2014, 10:55:23 AM »
Thank you everyone. I definitely didn't know if this was a case of "her house, her way" and what I could or couldn't say about it.

I always blame the allergies. I had an acquaintance who had horrible house hygiene (if you can imagine it, it was there) and also three cats, and I blamed the cats when I stopped visiting because my cat allergy was well-known in that circle. Everyone knew I had issues esp. with multiple cats, so it wasn't personal, and it meant I didn't have to mention the squalor which was actually a bigger problem than the kittehs.

siamesecat2965

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2014, 10:55:38 AM »
I think if you bring it up, that the house, or *something* in the house sets off your allergies, that's fine. You can't help how your body reacts to things, and if it makes you ill, it makes you ill.

Now if you went on about how disgusting, dirty, filthy, etc. the house is and you can't stand to be there, and so on, adn that's why you aren't willing to stay overnight, then that's bad.

But simply letting her know that you can't stay there as is aggrevates your alleriges is fine. Yes, its up to her not to clean out the house in any way, shape or form, but it also means she has to live with people NOT wanting to come and stay.

weeblewobble

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2014, 10:59:22 AM »
It seems bizarre to me that she will not take basic efforts to make the home more comfortable/safe for guests, but insists on hosting her friends.  Do you think it's some sort of denial mechanism, as in, "Well, the house isn't that bad, I just had my friends down for a girls' weekend last month!"

To me, this is a case of laziness and being inconsiderate.  She doesn't care to put in basic cleaning or sanitation efforts to make her guests comfortable. Her friendship does not mean you owe her a weekend of making yourself ill.

Nikko-chan

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2014, 11:19:56 AM »
I don't see why your friend hasn't had a cleaning crew in, if the aunt was a hoarder. That's the first thing I would do upon inheriting the house is hire professionals do deal with the wall to wall stuff in there, and then a professional cleaning crew to clean everything up.

MindsEye

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2014, 11:49:17 AM »
... is it possible that friend is also a hoarder?   :-\

What kind of situation did friend grow up in?  Hoarder?  Boarder-line hoarder?  Supper-cluttered?
What does friend's house/apartment look like today?

Is it possible that friend doesn't see a problem with the beach house because that is what "normal" looks like to her?