Author Topic: I don't want to sleep at your house.  (Read 9914 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Seraphia

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1750
  • Unabashed cat person
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2014, 11:56:48 AM »
... is it possible that friend is also a hoarder?   :-\

What kind of situation did friend grow up in?  Hoarder?  Boarder-line hoarder?  Supper-cluttered?
What does friend's house/apartment look like today?

Is it possible that friend doesn't see a problem with the beach house because that is what "normal" looks like to her?

That's what I would wonder as well.

My grandmother hoarded, and always wanted me to come spend the night with her when I was little. It was ok when I was seven or eight, but at some point, cans of bad food, two inaccessible bedrooms, an uncleaned bathroom and ruined furniture became normal for her. She still wanted me to come stay because the house was "clean" when she took the newspapers off the couch.

The mess sort of became like that step that squeaks in my house - she just sort of worked around it, even though the rest of us found it intolerable. When we finally moved her out, my parents were cleaning with shovels into a dumpster.
Ancora Imparo - I am still learning

m2kbug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1414
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2014, 11:59:02 AM »
I think the only thing you can do is explain the truth, that you're allergic to something in the house and you cannot afford hotel accommodations.  I'm surprised in three years' time, zero effort to clean the place out has taken place. 

shhh its me

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6927
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2014, 12:20:16 PM »
  Polite answer ...Something in the house sets off my allergies.

Safety trumps etiquette answer..... its a judgement call but at some point living in filth and with so much stuff  walking to an exit in case of fire would be hindered is unsafe. You are allowed to offer your friend help, stage an intervention.  BUT I think once you open the "the me help" door you have to commit to helping.  As a side note mold can be really expensive to deal with and huge messes can look untouched even if some took out a whole tips worth of junk.  She may just not know where to start/started in a place you cant see ie...mold comes from moisture so fix roof and plumbing first then the insulation then the drywall/plaster.  It wasn't clear if she lived there full time? (doesn't matter was just curious )

magicdomino

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4614
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2014, 12:27:11 PM »
... is it possible that friend is also a hoarder?   :-\

What kind of situation did friend grow up in?  Hoarder?  Boarder-line hoarder?  Supper-cluttered?
What does friend's house/apartment look like today?

Is it possible that friend doesn't see a problem with the beach house because that is what "normal" looks like to her?

That's my suspicion.  Whether it is nature or nurture, pack-ratness does seem to run in families -- it certainly runs in mine.  The results vary from cluttered to full-scale hoarder. 

siamesecat2965

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8662
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2014, 12:41:03 PM »
... is it possible that friend is also a hoarder?   :-\

What kind of situation did friend grow up in?  Hoarder?  Boarder-line hoarder?  Supper-cluttered?
What does friend's house/apartment look like today?

Is it possible that friend doesn't see a problem with the beach house because that is what "normal" looks like to her?

That's my suspicion.  Whether it is nature or nurture, pack-ratness does seem to run in families -- it certainly runs in mine.  The results vary from cluttered to full-scale hoarder.

In also wondered about this. My aunt and uncle, while not hoarders in the true sense of the word, fell into "pack rat" territory. And my cousin, their daughter, is the same way. She also has other issues, including compulsive shopping. So she is constantly buying, and bringing more and more into her house.  She has two cars, a two car garage, but can barely fit the smaller car in as the other half is almost filled to the ceiling with "stuff" and the rest of her house is the same way. WHile not blocking access to anywhere, she has closets full of things, and stuff in every cabinet, on every surface and so on. 

What always makes me laugh is I live in a 1BR apt, and have  decent sized walk-in closet in my bedroom. And a closet in my LR and a small linen closet. that's it. She has  4 BR house, and while her WIC in the master is smaller than mine, she has umpteen others, all filled with carp, and she constantly commetns about how MINE is so wonderful. Um right. and then forgets that while its nice, its ALL i have.

Amara

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2548
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2014, 12:58:14 PM »
The aunt was obviously not the only hoarder in the family. I suspect the reason the house has never been cleaned and de-cluttered is that your friend is also a hoarder. She is blind to what she sees; it is normal to her.

I wouldn't waste time or energy on an excuse like allergies. In this case, "tough love" as someone above pointed out might not help but at least it would let her know what problem you have with staying there: "Friend, this place is a disaster. It is beyond a mess; it is a serious health and safety hazard. A fire would kill anyone in here. Mice, mold, possibly snakes, and more! This isn't normal! I can't visit here any more, much as I love you."

weeblewobble

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3284
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2014, 01:03:41 PM »
BTW, not to be an alarmist, but it is entirely possible what you heard was a snake. I was watching an episode of Hoarders in which a woman was helping her mother clean out her house.  They were cleaning out the mother's bedroom and they found the mummified remains of a venomous snake close to her bed.  The theory was that the snake had followed the mice that were swarming into the house. The scary part was that the bedroom was on the second floor, so the snake had managed to get up stairs unnoticed!

MommyPenguin

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4336
    • My blog!
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2014, 01:28:12 PM »
... is it possible that friend is also a hoarder?   :-\

What kind of situation did friend grow up in?  Hoarder?  Boarder-line hoarder?  Supper-cluttered?
What does friend's house/apartment look like today?

Is it possible that friend doesn't see a problem with the beach house because that is what "normal" looks like to her?

That's my suspicion.  Whether it is nature or nurture, pack-ratness does seem to run in families -- it certainly runs in mine.  The results vary from cluttered to full-scale hoarder.

In also wondered about this. My aunt and uncle, while not hoarders in the true sense of the word, fell into "pack rat" territory. And my cousin, their daughter, is the same way. She also has other issues, including compulsive shopping. So she is constantly buying, and bringing more and more into her house.  She has two cars, a two car garage, but can barely fit the smaller car in as the other half is almost filled to the ceiling with "stuff" and the rest of her house is the same way. WHile not blocking access to anywhere, she has closets full of things, and stuff in every cabinet, on every surface and so on. 

It can also swing back and forth.  Parents who are hoarders can raise a child who hates clutter so much that she gets antsy about crumbs on the counter and doesn't save a single drawing or school paper or craft from her daughter's childhood and throws away every toy that gets the least bit ratty while her daughter is at school.  The daughter grows up fearing that everything she loves will be thrown away and ends up keeping everything and becoming a hoarder.  Her son hates growing up that way so he grows up wanting no clutter at all, etc.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5951
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2014, 02:13:47 PM »
This would be so tough but I think I'd go with total honesty.

"Friend, I've avoided saying this because I was afraid you'd be hurt, but the truth is that I can't spend more than a few hours at the beach house without having a severe allergic reaction to something. I probably should have mentioned it before but it's an awkward subject."

PennyandPleased

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 185
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2014, 02:13:53 PM »
**** OP HERE ****

I honestly don't know what my friend's issue is with the house. She cleaned out 1 of the bedrooms and bought a new mattress and keeps everything in that little room. She sleeps in that room and has a TV there so I think when she does go there she keeps to that room and gets take out for every meal. She does not live there full time. She did clean the living room but only the "surface" as in she took out all the junk but did nothing beyond that. There's still visable mold and dirt everywhere.

The very first time I saw the house I asked her what her plans were for it and if she was going to decorate it with cute beach things and she sort of bean dipped me. "Oh yea I could do that. Oh the neighbor has the cutest dog!"

Growing up her house was always messy and slightly cluttered but nothing crazy. And I disticntly remember her parents doing a deep spring cleaning every year so she didn't grow up in these conditions. They maintained their yard and were always well dressed and all that.

I plan to call her tonight and tell her that I can't stay at the house because I get sick from it. I'm going to mention that I'm also worried about her health from staying there.

BTW, not to be an alarmist, but it is entirely possible what you heard was a snake. I was watching an episode of Hoarders in which a woman was helping her mother clean out her house.  They were cleaning out the mother's bedroom and they found the mummified remains of a venomous snake close to her bed.  The theory was that the snake had followed the mice that were swarming into the house. The scary part was that the bedroom was on the second floor, so the snake had managed to get up stairs unnoticed!

I REALLY think it was a snake because things were clearly moving and there was a consistent sound associated with it - basically I think the consistent sound associated with the moving things was the snakes body moving along the floor. It moved from one side of the room to the other, moved pretty fast and non-stop and then disappeared.  :-[


siamesecat2965

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8662
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2014, 03:00:17 PM »

I REALLY think it was a snake because things were clearly moving and there was a consistent sound associated with it - basically I think the consistent sound associated with the moving things was the snakes body moving along the floor. It moved from one side of the room to the other, moved pretty fast and non-stop and then disappeared.  :-[

oh that totally gives me the heebie jeebies. i HATE HATE HATE and am terrified of snakes. I would have been wide awake, all night. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to stay there! Heck, I would't even set foot in that house!

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8061
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2014, 03:05:52 PM »
**** OP HERE ****

...   I plan to call her tonight and tell her that I can't stay at the house because I get sick from it. I'm going to mention that I'm also worried about her health from staying there.



I think just telling her gently that "something" in her house triggers your allergies (although bluntly, with mold it's probably more serious than mere allergies) and that because of that you simply can't stay overnight there.  I would not tell her that you're worried about her health, even though I'm sure that's true.  I think it might come across as being a little judgmental.

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17545
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2014, 03:08:37 PM »
blame allergies? really? what you are describing is ten thousands leagues beyond "I think the dust is bringing on my allergies". You are describing a hoarder's home, with mold, bugs, dirt, mice and snakes. that is not just disgusting - but downright dangerous and unhealthy. there is no way i would even enter that home, much less sleep there or even spend the day there.

Sit down with your friend - either on your own, or with your other friends - and tell her the truth.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Alpacas

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 119
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2014, 03:48:12 PM »
blame allergies? really? what you are describing is ten thousands leagues beyond "I think the dust is bringing on my allergies". You are describing a hoarder's home, with mold, bugs, dirt, mice and snakes. that is not just disgusting - but downright dangerous and unhealthy. there is no way i would even enter that home, much less sleep there or even spend the day there.

Sit down with your friend - either on your own, or with your other friends - and tell her the truth.

I'm kinda parking my POD here.

If you're really good friends, then you should be able to tell her your concerns. Of course it's all in the delivery of this concern.
If the state of the house really is a case of "not seeing the problem anymore" then she needs the help of her friends to maybe see it from another perspective.

Zizi-K

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 668
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #29 on: January 16, 2014, 04:22:01 PM »
**** OP HERE ****

I honestly don't know what my friend's issue is with the house. She cleaned out 1 of the bedrooms and bought a new mattress and keeps everything in that little room. She sleeps in that room and has a TV there so I think when she does go there she keeps to that room and gets take out for every meal. She does not live there full time. She did clean the living room but only the "surface" as in she took out all the junk but did nothing beyond that. There's still visable mold and dirt everywhere.

The very first time I saw the house I asked her what her plans were for it and if she was going to decorate it with cute beach things and she sort of bean dipped me. "Oh yea I could do that. Oh the neighbor has the cutest dog!"

Growing up her house was always messy and slightly cluttered but nothing crazy. And I disticntly remember her parents doing a deep spring cleaning every year so she didn't grow up in these conditions. They maintained their yard and were always well dressed and all that.

I plan to call her tonight and tell her that I can't stay at the house because I get sick from it. I'm going to mention that I'm also worried about her health from staying there.

BTW, not to be an alarmist, but it is entirely possible what you heard was a snake. I was watching an episode of Hoarders in which a woman was helping her mother clean out her house.  They were cleaning out the mother's bedroom and they found the mummified remains of a venomous snake close to her bed.  The theory was that the snake had followed the mice that were swarming into the house. The scary part was that the bedroom was on the second floor, so the snake had managed to get up stairs unnoticed!

I REALLY think it was a snake because things were clearly moving and there was a consistent sound associated with it - basically I think the consistent sound associated with the moving things was the snakes body moving along the floor. It moved from one side of the room to the other, moved pretty fast and non-stop and then disappeared.  :-[

So she cleaned one room, where she stays, and asks her guests to inhabit the dirty infested areas? No thanks! I don't think you really have to soften it, the place sounds gross enough to be obvious. I wonder if she wants help cleaning it out, or if offering to help might prompt her to do it? (with respirators, of course!)