Author Topic: I don't want to sleep at your house.  (Read 9990 times)

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Mikayla

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #30 on: January 16, 2014, 05:07:34 PM »
blame allergies? really? what you are describing is ten thousands leagues beyond "I think the dust is bringing on my allergies". You are describing a hoarder's home, with mold, bugs, dirt, mice and snakes. that is not just disgusting - but downright dangerous and unhealthy. there is no way i would even enter that home, much less sleep there or even spend the day there.

Sit down with your friend - either on your own, or with your other friends - and tell her the truth.

I agree with this.  It's a subtle difference in wording, but if OP says the house trips her allergies, this comes across as something on OPs end.  The truth is, the house is a health hazard regardless of anyone's allergies. 

OP, if the friend isn't a hoarder but rather completely overwhelmed, could the group offer to spend a weekend helping clean it?   And you'd stay with one of the ones who lives closer?  Even as I type this, I'm thinking of Hoarder episodes and kind of shuddering, but I'm pretty sure I'd be willing to at least try. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #31 on: January 16, 2014, 05:25:04 PM »
It depends, though, on whether or not the OP and their mutual friends want to help her clean up the place.  It definitely isn't something I could commit to, even with a respirator and protective gear.  And there is still the problem of where they are going to sleep because they won't be able to sleep in the house, no matter how much progress is made the first day.  Although, if this could be done in the off season when it is cooler and the hotel rooms are cheaper, it might be doable.
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Rusty

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #32 on: January 16, 2014, 05:34:39 PM »

Why can't you just ask your friend why she hasn't done anything about the obvious state of the house?

 You could say something like,  "wow, friend, you are so lucky to have the use of a beach house, and it will be so comfortable once its cleaned up and made useable, because at the moment its a bit of a turn off for me as I get allergies there".   You can be direct without necessarily being rude. 

Of course she may take exception, but you have nothing to lose as you cannot stay at the house anyway in its present condition.

Unfortunately we have a family member who could star in one of those "hoarders" tv shows.   Various family have tried to help, offering to come over and have a cleanup day etc., with all offers rebuffed angrily.  No one visits them now and all the family pretend the problem does not exist.  Its not a matter of money, its an obsession and a disease.


Sophia

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #33 on: January 16, 2014, 05:53:34 PM »
From the update, it sounds like Her bedroom would be lovely to stay in.  I wonder if she'd be willing to let you sleep there, while she sleeps in the guest bedroom.  No?

sweetonsno

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #34 on: January 16, 2014, 06:01:07 PM »
This is really a tough one.

On the one hand, I'm not sure that there is a polite way to tell someone that their house is filthy and disgusting. On the other hand, this is a problem and I don't know that you'd be doing her any favors by pretending that your allergies are coincidental.

I'd vote for trying to combine the two approaches. "Friend, you know I love you and love visiting you, but every time I come to your beach house, my dust/mold allergies get really bad." I'm going to have to sit it out.

(If you are willing to help clean up, offer to do so.)

Hmmmmm

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #35 on: January 16, 2014, 06:15:10 PM »
Well since she cleaned out the junk, it doesn't sound like she is a hoarder. To me it sounds like when she goes there she doesn't want the responsibility of cleaning the house. Instead she wants to just relax. And she is probably so used to seeing the dirt and mold, she doesn't think about it anymore... "Oh, that stain was always there" type mentality.

OP, I couldn't tell from the original post. Is your friend the sole owner of the house now or was it inherited by additional family members who are all sharing the house?


cass2591

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2014, 06:54:08 PM »
All other issues aside, and there are many, I wouldn't set foot in the house because of the mold. I tend to minimize when it comes to health warnings, but until she gets that house inspected for mold I'd be out. And I would tell her because it's a health issue and good luck to her.
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aussie_chick

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2014, 07:02:38 PM »
I think you definitely need to be upfront with her. I don't think I would use the allergies reason either. It's not allergies, it's a house that is hazzardous to health and you can't stay there.

I agree - focus on her generosity in inviting you to stay, but be upfront about the house.

If your other friends feel the same way, perhaps you could speak to her together. Maybe your group might be willing to have a working bee weekend - this is up to you, not suggesting you should feel obligated but some people love this kind of thing. Unless it's that bad that it would be too unsafe to do this - which it might well be!

And again try and talk to her about plans for the place. Perhaps it all just seems completely overwhelming to her or maybe she's concerned about not having the money to really get it done properly or there may still be a connection to Aunt and her wishes for the place when she was alive and your friend might be reluctant to do anything because of that.

BarensMom

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2014, 07:43:49 PM »
Coming in late to put in my 2 cents...

OP, stay out of that house - it is a health hazard and you should tell your friend exactly that.  What kind of person expects a friend to even enter, much less stay in what is essentially a toxic waste site?  If she takes it badly, it's on her - she's had 3 years to make it livable and has done nothing, she can't expect people to put their health at risk for the sake of "friendship."

I once went to visit a cousin and, OMD, it was exactly like you described, right down to the critters scurrying and slithering about.  The place literally made me nauseous.  I never went back and told cousin that I couldn't visit a place that turned my stomach.


Mel the Redcap

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2014, 07:57:52 PM »
I vote for truthful and fairly blunt. Not rude - you don't want to get personal, no comments about "I don't understand how you can just leave it like that" or "it's disgusting!" - but blunt. Mention your allergies if you want, but not as an excuse, as an illustration of how it really IS bad.

"Friend, I can't stay there. The house is a mess, there's mold, and there's vermin. I like you and I want to hang out with you, but not there."

...and then be prepared for her to get mad, especially if you're the first of her friends to get up the courage to say something. Don't apologise for being truthful. Don't back down or soften it with something like "well maybe it's worse for me, allergies, you know..." Polish your spine.

"I realise this is upsetting but I didn't want to keep making excuses or lying about why I didn't attend."
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LeveeWoman

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2014, 08:04:08 PM »
I don't know if I'd offer to help her clean. Isn't cleaning toxic material such as mold or animal feces or dead animals a job for trained people who own and can use things such as respirators and similar gear?

Mel the Redcap

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #41 on: January 16, 2014, 08:12:09 PM »
I don't know if I'd offer to help her clean. Isn't cleaning toxic material such as mold or animal feces or dead animals a job for trained people who own and can use things such as respirators and similar gear?

Ah, yeah, I forgot. Definitely don't offer to help clean! If you get sick just from being in the house, cleaning (stirring up all the dust and mold and who-knows-what, urrgh) would probably put you in the ER. Don't be afraid to point that out if it comes up!
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cass2591

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #42 on: January 16, 2014, 08:15:15 PM »
BarensMom, casting aspersions on the OP's friend and basically accusing her of knowing that she's (possibly) exposing her guests to health hazards is unfair without further knowledge, especially since the OP's friend spends time there.

The OP sounds more to me like the friend is clueless to both the mess and awareness that others find it disgusting.
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Raintree

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2014, 08:44:37 PM »
It's tough to say, but she's going to keep inviting you and circumvent your polite excuses by saying "Well which weekend DOES work for you?"

So the truth is going to have to be told. "Friend, I would love to spend time with you but I'm afraid it'll have to be a day trip. There seems to be something in that house that affects me, because  whenever I've slept there, I've ended up with headaches, sinus trouble, sore throat (etc.)  I suspect mold. I'm afraid I really can't sleep there or spend too much time at the house. Maybe it's a sensitivity of mine if it's not affecting you, but I'm wondering if you should have the house inspected. Hidden mold is a serious health hazard and you want to make sure you're not breathing it in either."

If you're not comfortable, leave off the part about the house inspection, but at least indicate that there's something in the house, you're not sure what, that's causing a reaction in you. It sounds as though you're not actually experiencing an allergy but a normal reaction to the dampness and filth, but if all you're trying to do is get out of sleeping over there, then blaming a personal sensitivity is probably the best way to avoid hurt feelings.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2014, 09:13:11 PM »
I'd simply ask my friend if she had (or had plans for) removing her late aunt's clutter and cleaning the house.

Worst case scenario is: she'll get defensive and say something like "No, why would I need to do that?" In which case, you can gently explain that you find the place virtually unliveable, and it affects your health.

Best case scenario is: your question is a wake-up call that the place is really unacceptable for guests and she need to clean it.