Author Topic: I don't want to sleep at your house.  (Read 9962 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Maude

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 105
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #45 on: January 16, 2014, 09:52:02 PM »
I would quietly and anonymously alert the local Health Authority.
I think they would frown upon their LovelyBeachsideNeighbourhood
possibly getting a reputation as a garbage dump.

Tea Drinker

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1359
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #46 on: January 16, 2014, 09:56:01 PM »
Another vote for telling your friend that you are allergic to her house/something there is making you sick, and so you can't visit.

A friend of mine had to tell her partner that she couldn't visit him, because there was deep-seated (rather than visible) mold in the house he was living in. He doesn't have asthma, so it didn't bother him the same way--but they are both happier now that he has moved, and she can stay at his house as well as the other way around.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

Harriet Jones

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6676
  • Yes, we know who you are.
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #47 on: January 16, 2014, 09:59:05 PM »
I would quietly and anonymously alert the local Health Authority.
I think they would frown upon their LovelyBeachsideNeighbourhood
possibly getting a reputation as a garbage dump.

That seems a little extreme.  That could have serious legal and financial repercussions for the OP's friend.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30557
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #48 on: January 16, 2014, 10:10:25 PM »
blame allergies? really? what you are describing is ten thousands leagues beyond "I think the dust is bringing on my allergies". You are describing a hoarder's home, with mold, bugs, dirt, mice and snakes. that is not just disgusting - but downright dangerous and unhealthy. there is no way i would even enter that home, much less sleep there or even spend the day there.

Sit down with your friend - either on your own, or with your other friends - and tell her the truth.

I'm kinda parking my POD here.

If you're really good friends, then you should be able to tell her your concerns. Of course it's all in the delivery of this concern.
If the state of the house really is a case of "not seeing the problem anymore" then she needs the help of her friends to maybe see it from another perspective.

I think I'm here too.

You *can* do it gently--you can say, "the house isn't really ready for visitors. It needs some tender loving care now; your aunt really did neglect it."

Or, start asking her, in the tone that assumes it's already part of her plan, or you're suggesting an idea for her existing plan, "Oh, have you looked into a mold-abatement place?" or "Have you deep-cleaned the bathroom yet?"


This is nice too:

It's tough to say, but she's going to keep inviting you and circumvent your polite excuses by saying "Well which weekend DOES work for you?"

So the truth is going to have to be told. "Friend, I would love to spend time with you but I'm afraid it'll have to be a day trip. There seems to be something in that house that affects me, because  whenever I've slept there, I've ended up with headaches, sinus trouble, sore throat (etc.)  I suspect mold. I'm afraid I really can't sleep there or spend too much time at the house. Maybe it's a sensitivity of mine if it's not affecting you, but I'm wondering if you should have the house inspected. Hidden mold is a serious health hazard and you want to make sure you're not breathing it in either."

If you're not comfortable, leave off the part about the house inspection, but at least indicate that there's something in the house, you're not sure what, that's causing a reaction in you. It sounds as though you're not actually experiencing an allergy but a normal reaction to the dampness and filth, but if all you're trying to do is get out of sleeping over there, then blaming a personal sensitivity is probably the best way to avoid hurt feelings.

Mikayla

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4049
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #49 on: January 16, 2014, 10:52:25 PM »
I don't know if I'd offer to help her clean. Isn't cleaning toxic material such as mold or animal feces or dead animals a job for trained people who own and can use things such as respirators and similar gear?

Well, yeah!  I'll revise accordingly.  I still think it would be thoughtful to offer help if she needs it, because I don't think becoming acclimated or overwhelmed makes her a bad person.  And I think it's a kindness for a good friend.  It's fair to say *something* is wrong here.

She'd need to be willing to take that first step and get the home inspected and comply with any biohazard removal that they require.  Then the friends could step in and organize/throw out.  Heck, if she needs moral support just to do that first step, I'd be there for a good friend.  I'd hang outside or in the garage, but this may be something where she needs help in more than one way.

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12337
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #50 on: January 17, 2014, 10:18:23 AM »
and maybe you could add..."And once the mold and your aunt's belongings are cleaned up, it might be fun to go antiqueing and find some new items and decorate.  It is such a lovely location but I think you need to bring it up to date first before you can have people over."

CoryanderX

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 98
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #51 on: January 28, 2014, 03:04:00 PM »
So she cleaned one room, where she stays, and asks her guests to inhabit the dirty infested areas? No thanks!

Yeah, this was the biggest eyebrow-raiser for me.

OP, any update?

SamiHami

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3226
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #52 on: January 28, 2014, 03:45:37 PM »
I think it's important not only for your own health but for your friends health that you be blunt iwth her. "Friend, it's great that you have a beach house and we could have so much fun there. What a shame your grandmother left it in such a neglected state. It's not safe for you or anyone to stay there until the mold and infestations are completely taken care of. I hope you are planning on addressing those issues before you have a girls night there. It just would not be cool to expect friends to stay in a house infested with mold and mice."

She might get angry; her feelings might be hurt. But what about the awkward position she is putting you and the other friends in, by expecting you to stay in such a place? If she does get upset, you might ask her why she fixed up one room nicely for herself but expects her friends to stay in conditions that she personally finds unacceptable.

Frankly, if she doesn't take care of it soon she may not have any house at all. It's not unusual for mold-infested homes to become condemned and razed if the infestation has gone to far.


What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

DCGirl

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1148
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #53 on: January 30, 2014, 01:52:22 PM »
I am very allergic to mold and will break out with something called atopic dermatitis if I spent too much time in a moldy environment.  My ILs' house had a serious mold problem, and I ended up in Urgent Care after both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners one year.  There's probably a lot of mold in addition to the dust -- beach houses can be damp even when well maintained -- and you are reacting to that as well.  You need to prioritize your health if the house is making you sick. 
« Last Edit: January 30, 2014, 01:54:38 PM by DCGirl »

The Wild One, Forever

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1785
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #54 on: January 30, 2014, 05:08:39 PM »
All other issues aside, and there are many, I wouldn't set foot in the house because of the mold. I tend to minimize when it comes to health warnings, but until she gets that house inspected for mold I'd be out. And I would tell her because it's a health issue and good luck to her.

ITA!!  Lots of my furniture, which I'd been keeping for a year in a paid for storage unit, wound up damaged by mold.    >:(  Aside from a couple mildly affected solid wood pieces, which I was able to treat and keep, I got rid of almost everything, including my lovely king sized bed.  I have heard too many mold horror stories to want to take a chance with it. 

As for the etiquette, probably a lot depends on how close y'all are and what kind of a relationship you feel you have with her.  I would follow my gut here as to how to talk to her about this issue.  If you find you can't, I don't see anything wrong with "blaming" your allergies.  It's a polite half-truth.    ;)
Soft silly music is meaningful, magical

goldilocks

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 786
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #55 on: January 31, 2014, 10:18:36 AM »
From what it sounds like, no excuse will do.  If you claim allergies, she swear she's vacummed or something.   

HOnestly, if I had heard the snake on the floor, I would have left in the middle of the night,  probably without even taking my car!

I think you are just going to have to tell her - your house is not ready for guests

sammycat

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6070
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #56 on: January 31, 2014, 07:32:10 PM »
Honestly, if I had heard the snake on the floor, I would have left in the middle of the night,  probably without even taking my car!

YES! I'd have been running out of there screaming like a banshee!

I'm so phobic about snakes that I can't even quantify it into words. For me, that'd be the only excuse I'd need not to ever visit her home again for any reason, let alone sleep there, and she'd be left in no doubt as to my reasoning either.

OP, can you cite hearing a snake in the room as reason for not visiting/staying and also for urging your friend to clean the entire house? Even if you aren't particularly bothered by snakes personally, the fact that an animal from outside has come into the house apparently unseen (and probably living and maybe breeding) should be grounds for cleaning/fumigating anyway.

Amara

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2577
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #57 on: January 31, 2014, 11:10:18 PM »
I would be far, far more squicked out by what the snake is finding for food (rats are the filthiest creatures) than by the snake, but even worse than that is the mold and who knows what else in there. There is no way I would stay there, visit, or even meet someone who thinks living in that is okay. I don't know what's in or on her clothes and there is no way I'd get close enough even for a few minutes to risk anything. I know hoarders are ill, but I don't have to subject myself and my health to their illness.

daen

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 715
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #58 on: February 01, 2014, 10:13:04 AM »
Honestly, if I had heard the snake on the floor, I would have left in the middle of the night,  probably without even taking my car!

YES! I'd have been running out of there screaming like a banshee!

I'm so phobic about snakes that I can't even quantify it into words. For me, that'd be the only excuse I'd need not to ever visit her home again for any reason, let alone sleep there, and she'd be left in no doubt as to my reasoning either.

OP, can you cite hearing a snake in the room as reason for not visiting/staying and also for urging your friend to clean the entire house? Even if you aren't particularly bothered by snakes personally, the fact that an animal from outside has come into the house apparently unseen (and probably living and maybe breeding) should be grounds for cleaning/fumigating anyway.

My first reaction on hearing the snake portion of the story is to think "I would... just shut down." I am also rather phobic, and I have no idea if I would freeze where I was and hope the snake didn't get any closer and would eventually go away, or get the heck out of Dodge... although then I would risk attracting the snake's attention, maybe touching it...

I will stop thinking about it now before I go into some kind of terrified stasis.

*clears throat* As I was about to say, I fully agree with sammycat - if I had even the suspicion of a snake having been at the house, I would never enter that house again. Ever.

YummyMummy66

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 792
Re: I don't want to sleep at your house.
« Reply #59 on: February 01, 2014, 01:44:18 PM »
Frankly, unless someone says something, this friend is just going to keep inviting everyone and everyone is probably going to keep saying no.

You have a choice.  To just keep saying no, or to try and be as nice as possible, but in effect be blunt, and maybe have to deal with the friendship falling out because of this.  But, maybe she needs someone to just say it, so that she gets why people are always declining a girl's weekend in this home. 

Also, I think I would be a tad offended that she cleaned out a room for herself and gets to enjoy a clean area, but does not do so for her friends. 

I might state that "Friend, I am sorry, but I will not be coming to a girl's weekend anytime soon.  I am sorry to say that the cleanliness of the house is less than to be desired.  (I am horrible with wording.  I am sure someone can suggest a better version).  Are you aware that there is visible mold in the home?  I cannot breathe in the home.  And I did not mention this before, but there is something definitly living in said home.  (And tell her what happened last time you stayed over).   Maybe ask her if she has any thoughts of cleaning up the home?  Is she overwhelmed at the prospect? 

If she seems overwhelmed at the propsect, maybe suggest a girl's weekend with her friends helping to clean it up , but that you all will stay in a hotel overnight and split the cost and when the home is livable, you can all have a great girl's weekend.