Author Topic: Honoring daughter  (Read 5826 times)

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SheryllJane

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Honoring daughter
« on: January 17, 2014, 08:22:24 PM »
Hello Group, you gave me really great feedback and advice on my previous thread, so I am looking to you again for great advice.

here is a post to a previous but related link:  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=131765.0

I am trying to honor my daughter more and put her in her rightful spot in the family.  There was a family dinner in honor of my husband a few weeks ago at a restaurant.  Five couples were there, DH and I, MIL and FIL, DD and DSIL, DH's Brother and SIL and DH Sister and BIL. 

Inlaws got to restaurant before DH and I or  DD and DSIL, and sat in a formation which would have stuck my my DD and DSIL down at the end of the table.  I politely asked my IL's to move and put DD and DSIL in middle of table. 

New problem:  DD does not feel honored by her DSIL and her MIL.  Recently he teased her at a family gathering and  MIL jumped on bandwagon making a little teasing out of proportion and an opportunity to jab daughter. 

Her MIL is getting married for 4th time and DD does not want to go;  she is sick of going to events where her MIL teases her. 

She has asked my advice, I told her to set limits w her husband teasing in these events (drop the rope if he teases and leave the room for example) but to go to the wedding as it was a big event and if it is missed it is a Big Deal. 

Thoughts?
« Last Edit: January 20, 2014, 01:01:51 AM by SheryllJane »

SheryllJane

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2014, 08:31:31 PM »
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=131765.0

Here is the link from the previous thread

artk2002

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2014, 08:43:34 PM »
Frankly, your daughter is an adult and should be fighting her own battles, not having you do it. You need to understand that you will not change these people. If you want to honor her, do so, but don't expect them to participate. Do you really want to set her up to be snubbed yet again?
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

immadz

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2014, 08:43:56 PM »
I think she should go to the event. Her absence would be noticed and just fuel the snarky comments. If she hasn't already, she should let her DH know that teasing, especially in front of his mother, will not be appreciated or tolerated. Do not engage in teasing. " I don't think that is funny." or just simply leaving the room makes powerful statements. The most important thing for her to do, would be to get her DH on her side. It is harder to tease someone when the victim has support.

As far as the table seating and rightful place goes, I am confused. Wouldn't two people have ended up at the end of the table anyway? How does it really matter which two ended up there? What did you hope to achieve by it?


Harriet Jones

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2014, 08:49:18 PM »
What do you mean by "honored" and "rightful spot in the family"? I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to do for her. Is this coming from an Asian cultural perspective?

However, the MIL doesn't seem to be treating your daughter respectfully, but shouldn't your daughter's husband be sticking up for her with his mother?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2014, 08:59:00 PM »
Your daughter not attending her Mother In Law's wedding is a pretty big snub. It seems to be a pretty big reaction and would have long term impact to her relationship with her MIL and most likely her DH and any of his family.

I'd recommend telling her to go and reminding her as the bride her MIL will be focusing on herself and her groom, not looking for targets to tease.

If she needs assistance in getting her MIL to reduce the teasing she should request her DH's assistance. He needs to learn terms like "OK, Mom, your taking the joke too far" and "Mom, that really isn't funny or nice" or "Wow, I can't believe you just said that to my wife".

Your DD can use language like "MIL, the joke is going from funny to hurting my feelings".

SheryllJane

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2014, 09:04:58 PM »
Thank you for responding.

Regarding the dinner, if you look at the previous post (comment 1) my MIL and FIL did not invite my DD or DSIL out with my DS and DH for a birthday dinner for son (he was in from out of town and his birthday is in Jan)/retirement celebration for my DH.  The actual day of the retirement, we had dinner that night and we all arrived in different vehicles.  My MIL and FIL as well as DH's siblings and spouses arrived first to a table set for 10, 5 on each side.  The spots my DH's family had left for my DD and DSIL were at the far end of the table, not next to me and my DH.  We asked his siblings to move to DD and DSIL were in the center of the table next to me and DH and they kindly did.  My husband's family tends to be self centered and clueless, and I am going to advocate for my daughter more.

Regarding her MIL, and her DH (my SIL)  she asked me for advice, and I advised her to go, but to put a limit on her husband if he teased her to leave the room.  She has already asked him to stand up to his mother but he hasn't.  I am not sure she realized that his teasing opened the door for the mother. 

Nikko-chan

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2014, 09:07:27 PM »
Honestly if I was your DD I would cut these people out of my life, they sound awful. As for Son in Law, when he gets going with the jokes, a flat "I don't find that funny" should work.

Mikayla

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2014, 09:48:46 PM »
Thank you for responding.

Regarding the dinner, if you look at the previous post (comment 1) my MIL and FIL did not invite my DD or DSIL out with my DS and DH for a birthday dinner for son (he was in from out of town and his birthday is in Jan)/retirement celebration for my DH.  The actual day of the retirement, we had dinner that night and we all arrived in different vehicles.  My MIL and FIL as well as DH's siblings and spouses arrived first to a table set for 10, 5 on each side.  The spots my DH's family had left for my DD and DSIL were at the far end of the table, not next to me and my DH.  We asked his siblings to move to DD and DSIL were in the center of the table next to me and DH and they kindly did.  My husband's family tends to be self centered and clueless, and I am going to advocate for my daughter more.

Regarding her MIL, and her DH (my SIL)  she asked me for advice, and I advised her to go, but to put a limit on her husband if he teased her to leave the room.  She has already asked him to stand up to his mother but he hasn't.  I am not sure she realized that his teasing opened the door for the mother.

Your explanation helped!  But on the bolded, if your SIL won't stand up for your daughter, I don't see why it helps for you to get involved. It sounds like a relationship problem between the two of them.   

I don't blame her for not wanting to attend the wedding if his mom continues to upset her and he won't act on that.  But, again, this is between them.  So I don't understand why you suggested she attend.  Her MIL has proven many times how she intends to treat your daughter, her son has proven he doesn't care and your daughter can't or won't stand up for herself.

ETA:  Also, how old is your daughter?
« Last Edit: January 17, 2014, 09:52:41 PM by Mikayla »

SheryllJane

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2014, 10:03:08 PM »
26--


SheryllJane

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2014, 10:12:29 PM »
She called asking for advice...

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2014, 01:08:11 AM »
I'm a bit confused by all these acronyms. From what I gather, your daughter is treated unfavourably by your husband and your parents-in-law, and is teased by her husband and her mother-in-law.

If that's the case, I really feel for your daughter!  :(

At any rate, I think she should go to her MIL's wedding. And she also needs to sort out the teasing issue with her husband - but that's a relationship issue, not an etiquette issue.

squeakers

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2014, 01:27:55 AM »
As a daughter-in-law I would have not cared if I wasn't seated next to my in-laws.  If I was a daughter I would have expected to sit further away than any of my elders from my parents.  So that the "Adults" could chat (even when I was considered an adult.. it's a generational thing). So I am not sure why you are so upset on that point.

If your daughter has a problem with her husband teasing her.. she needs to put on her big girl panties and tell him that.  I am not one for pussyfooting around when stating the facts works. "I don't like being teased... please don't tease me anymore." "I told you I don't like being teased": consequences ranging from pointedly watching tv, leaving the room, leaving the house, picking up a book and reading it.

And if his mother is getting in on the teasing either she tells her husband that stops too or she point blank tells her MIL that it will stop. Again, I wouldn't pussyfoot around with my MIL.. teasing is a bit different than when values clash.  I bean dipped a lot of clashing... but anything that was the least bit hostile was shut down.

You, yourself, can do nothing for either situation other than be supportive and give advice.  It is not your problem to solve.  It is your adult daughter's problem to solve.

I do agree with you that your daughter should attend the wedding.  And the reception.  And she should find reasons to go outside as often as possible during the reception so as to give herself some down time.

And then she needs to set some points that if MIL crosses gets ticked off.. enough points ticked means less contact.  These points need to be shared with her DH. Her hills to die on have to be synced with his at some point.  It's a give and take and nuanced thing.
"I feel sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." "It is so low, in fact, that Miss Manners feels sure you would not want to resort to it yourself, even in your own defense. We do not believe in retaliatory rudeness." Judith Martin

shhh its me

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2014, 08:09:45 AM »
  I would suggest she go to the wedding.  Not going is the nuclear bomb option. 

My first step would be to deal with husband's teasing.   


*sidenote it may help people if you called him DD's husband or DD's DH rather then DSIL ( parts of the question are from her perspective so DSIL is reading as your daughters Dear sister in law)

LeveeWoman

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2014, 08:22:51 AM »
I'm with those who think your daughter needs to put her foot down about her husband teasing her. For a husband to do this even when they're alone is inexcusable, and doing so in public, thereby giving others an opportunity to join in, is beyond the Pale.