Author Topic: Honoring daughter  (Read 5497 times)

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cb140

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2014, 08:31:10 AM »
I agree with others that 1) your daughter really should go to her MILs wedding and 2) her DH needs to sort out the teasing. But I just wanted to add, good for you for intervening and sticking up for your daughter because from reading your past posts, I know the relationship between you two hasn't been easy. I'm sure she feels happier knowing that you're on her side.

Margo

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2014, 11:56:14 AM »
I agree with PPs - you can't fight your daughter's battles for her. You can, however, encourage her to stand up for herself.

It sounds as though the first step is for her to sit down with her husband and talk to him about how his teasing makes her feel - suggest to her that she considers, and explains to him, what she feels is acceptable, and what isn't (for instance, there maybe things which would be fine if he is teasing her in private, when she can respond in kind, but which are*not* Ok for him to say or do in front of other people.

Equally, she needs to make it clear that his mother's behaviour is not acceptable, and that his failure to support her is not OK.  I would not advise her to miss the wedding, but would encourage her to talk to her husband before it happens, and to spell out to him what she needs from him at that event (e.g. no teasing of her, to back her up if she calls out members of his family on inappropriate behaviour)


gramma dishes

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2014, 12:42:11 PM »
SheryllJane ~~  Would it be possible for you to give us at least one example of the kind of teasing that your daughter's husband does in public?

What some people might consider to be gentle and fun teasing, another person might consider to be hurtful and embarrassing put-downs.
It is obvious that your daughter (and you) are offended by the "teasing", but could it possibly be that her husband and his family consider it just a way of showing affection that is quite different from what is typical in your own family?

LeveeWoman

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2014, 12:44:24 PM »
SheryllJane ~~  Would it be possible for you to give us at least one example of the kind of teasing that your daughter's husband does in public?

What some people might consider to be gentle and fun teasing, another person might consider to be hurtful and embarrassing put-downs.
It is obvious that your daughter (and you) are offended by the "teasing", but could it possibly be that her husband and his family consider it just a way of showing affection that is quite different from what is typical in your own family?

Even if he and his mother consider it harmless, SherylJane's daughter doesn't.

gramma dishes

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2014, 12:53:11 PM »
SheryllJane ~~  Would it be possible for you to give us at least one example of the kind of teasing that your daughter's husband does in public?

What some people might consider to be gentle and fun teasing, another person might consider to be hurtful and embarrassing put-downs.
It is obvious that your daughter (and you) are offended by the "teasing", but could it possibly be that her husband and his family consider it just a way of showing affection that is quite different from what is typical in your own family?



Even if he and his mother consider it harmless, SherylJane's daughter doesn't. 

Of course, but it's one thing (to some of us) to repeat a funny, even if somewhat embarrassing incident and quite another to call someone fat, lazy, clumsy, incompetent or stupid.   I'm just asking if this is truly what most of us would consider "teasing" as the OP refers to it, or if it's more the kind of thing most of us would consider grossly demeaning and disrespectful.



« Last Edit: January 18, 2014, 12:56:01 PM by gramma dishes »

shhh its me

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2014, 01:00:31 PM »
SheryllJane ~~  Would it be possible for you to give us at least one example of the kind of teasing that your daughter's husband does in public?

What some people might consider to be gentle and fun teasing, another person might consider to be hurtful and embarrassing put-downs.
It is obvious that your daughter (and you) are offended by the "teasing", but could it possibly be that her husband and his family consider it just a way of showing affection that is quite different from what is typical in your own family?



Even if he and his mother consider it harmless, SherylJane's daughter doesn't. 

Of course, but it's one thing (to some of us) to repeat a funny, even if somewhat embarrassing incident and quite another to call someone fat, lazy, clumsy, incompetent or stupid.   I'm just asking if this is truly what most of us would consider "teasing" as the OP refers to it, or if it's more the kind of thing most of us would consider grossly demeaning and disrespectful.

ITs also very very easy to assume people know your upset.  If your hurt is your job to communicate that  So step one is always to say "I don't like ......" ," it causes me pain"  etc.

Jobiska

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2014, 01:38:23 PM »
I'm not going to address the teasing and the MIL wedding, because those are bigger things, but I will comment that when I go out to eat with my parents, if my dad (84) is not in the middle of a long table, he cannot really participate in the discussion at all because he has the worst hearing of any of us. 

Sounds like your daughter is in the third generation--there's your MIL/FIL in the first, everyone else in the second, and daughter/SIL in the third.  I'd be cautious about assuming that taking that seating was either out of cluelessness or to put your daughter down in some way.  They may have been trying to ensure someone else wasn't totally marginalized out of the conversation!

I guess what I'm getting at is this is a pick your battles thing to me--if she wants support re the teasing and other big issues, maybe try to let a few smaller things slide off her back, because they might not have been intended as slights?

Obviously I can't know for sure since I'm not in the situation, but we're all human and we all have multiple reasons for doing things.  There are ways for your daughter to advocate for a better relationship with your ILs and a more connected place in the family that don't involve making people move seats.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2014, 01:41:21 PM »
SheryllJane ~~  Would it be possible for you to give us at least one example of the kind of teasing that your daughter's husband does in public?

What some people might consider to be gentle and fun teasing, another person might consider to be hurtful and embarrassing put-downs.
It is obvious that your daughter (and you) are offended by the "teasing", but could it possibly be that her husband and his family consider it just a way of showing affection that is quite different from what is typical in your own family?



Even if he and his mother consider it harmless, SherylJane's daughter doesn't. 

Of course, but it's one thing (to some of us) to repeat a funny, even if somewhat embarrassing incident and quite another to call someone fat, lazy, clumsy, incompetent or stupid.   I'm just asking if this is truly what most of us would consider "teasing" as the OP refers to it, or if it's more the kind of thing most of us would consider grossly demeaning and disrespectful.

Or, it could be a number of things in between those two ends. To me, what matters is that her feelings are hurt. Just because I don't think something is hurtful or demeaning does not mean that others might think otherwise.

Jones

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2014, 02:02:25 PM »
I don't really have any advice but I'd like to say I really respect how you've taken the advice in the previous thread and started to make positive changes.

Iris

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2014, 04:55:01 PM »
I think there are 2 separate issues here - Firstly, your daughter's position within your family and secondly your daughter's position with her husband/MIL.

On the first issue - congratulations on taking the advice and making a positive change. It can't have been easy and I really respect that you have decided to make a difference. You may find that by keeping up your intentions to show your daughter that she is a valued member of your family you help with the other issue anyway.

On the second issue - unfortunately there is nothing you can do. This is a battle your daughter will have to fight on her own. If I were to advise your daughter I would echo the earlier advice to go to the wedding (because not going is so nuclear) but address the issue on another level. Does her husband realise he is hurting her with these remarks? The first step would be to make sure that that has been clearly communicated. Then I agree with the deadpan "That's not funny" or leaving the room every time it happens. The first thing to check, though, is that she has made her feelings/wishes clear. Sometimes quiet people have problems having their feelings taken seriously because to others it seems like the relationship goes Fine - Still Fine- Fine - Fine - Fine - I'M NOT COMING TO YOUR WEDDING!!!!

This is the part where I mentioned that you may indirectly help. If she is used to being snubbed in her own family it may mean that she has developed a feeling that she 'deserves' it and it may make her hesitate to speak up about her own feelings and wishes until she 'bursts'. By helping her develop her own confidence simply through showing her how much YOU value her (because you can't force other people to) you may help her to develop tools to fight her own battles more effectively.

Of course, if she has made her feelings clear and her husband continues to treat her this way then there is a deeper and more unpleasant issue to be faced but on the information given it is impossible to say.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

sparksals

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #25 on: January 19, 2014, 07:33:17 PM »
This thread is confusing because it is really kind of a follow up to the post the op linked in the 2nd post.   This is a good example of when doing a follow up in the original post is considerably easier especially when people read the follow up without knowing the history.  Continuity is then preserved.

OP it might help if you go back to your first post when you originally posted the issue of your DD being ignored and put the link to this thread so people who were following that get this update info. 


 
« Last Edit: January 19, 2014, 07:35:14 PM by sparksals »

squeakers

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2014, 03:23:00 AM »
This thread is confusing because it is really kind of a follow up to the post the op linked in the 2nd post.   This is a good example of when doing a follow up in the original post is considerably easier especially when people read the follow up without knowing the history.  Continuity is then preserved.

OP it might help if you go back to your first post when you originally posted the issue of your DD being ignored and put the link to this thread so people who were following that get this update info.

OP actually posted the link to the previous discussion in the second post of this thread. She has also added it to her first post (superfluously) on your advice.

(I did not exactly get your gist... you want her to post a link to _this_ thread in her older post.  While a nice thought that would bump up an old thread... plus, continuing drama/sagas tend to get a O.O from me.  (No idea how others feel). Kind of makes me wonder if the person with a jillion threads on the same subject has been absorbing anything discussed over time on this forum.) 

But even without that link advice as to what an adult child can do is per usual: they fight their own battles with only support and advice from the parents.  To have a parent step in to a Marital difficulty or an Inlaw difficulty would be the epitome of a helicopter parent. (unneeded advice... having read sparksals' post wrong)
« Last Edit: January 20, 2014, 03:37:39 AM by squeakers »
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English1

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #27 on: January 20, 2014, 08:49:21 AM »
Problem 1
I don't quite get what was wrong with sitting at one end of the table, but if it was all rearranged and everyone was happy, then great! I wouldn't take it on as a deliberate snub - when we have a family get together it's every man for himself when it comes to seating, no set order, no meaning put on who sits with who.  There's no such thing as a 'better' seat or a 'worse' seat - we are all family sitting together. Perhaps the others at the meal didn't see the seating arrangement as a status thing, as you seem to.

Problem 2 - you can advise but she needs to be a big girl and deal with this herself. It sounds like a huge reaction to 'teasing'. Is it teasing, or bullying/being nasty? I think it shows character to deal with teasing/banter in good humour (but then I'm British, it's our bread and butter) but bullying and nastiness needs to be challenged. I'm sorry but I have no idea what you mean by she doesn't feel 'honoured' by them.  Her (husband? I'm a bit confused) can talk to his mum. She may not realise she is crossing the line. If he isn't convinced, if he thinks his mum is being deliberately nasty, then he needs to step up for your daughter and put a stop to it, firmly.

Overall I am wondering if there is a bit of a culture clash (or two) here. Even cultures from different parts of the same country can be quite different. Your emphasis on status being reflected by where you sit, and the concept of someone 'having a place' (as in heirarchy?) in the family (although generally speaking our oldies are higher status than the kids, of course, and I think that's pretty universal? But at the meal you were offended that the younger members (DH) were in a lower status seat than their elders (their aunts/uncles), and 'honouring' someone, are so far from my experience I find it hard to understand your problem. If they are also not the values of the other people you talk about, then it may all be a big misunderstanding.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2014, 08:55:39 AM by English1 »

perpetua

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2014, 10:10:03 AM »
Yeah, I'm with you, English1. I don't understand why someone needs to be 'honoured' either, it all seems a bit overly-formal to me. If your DD has a problem with the teasing then she needs to speak up for herself. If she hasn't done so yet they probably have no idea she's hurt by it.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #29 on: January 20, 2014, 10:13:31 AM »
Sorry I am totally confused here...

You are trying to make a "rightful" place for your daughter in your family and with your in laws
and
you are trying to help her with her in laws ?

Someone help me out and explain it so I can understand it?

There is gentle teasing and deliberate put downs/bullying.  Anytime someone says something that hurts DD she needs to address it.  And if she is having problems with her DH over teasing  that is a huge red flag to me! Especially if he lets his mother participate also  :o