Author Topic: Honoring daughter  (Read 5499 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2014, 11:22:35 AM »
Problem 1
I don't quite get what was wrong with sitting at one end of the table, but if it was all rearranged and everyone was happy, then great! I wouldn't take it on as a deliberate snub - when we have a family get together it's every man for himself when it comes to seating, no set order, no meaning put on who sits with who.  There's no such thing as a 'better' seat or a 'worse' seat - we are all family sitting together. Perhaps the others at the meal didn't see the seating arrangement as a status thing, as you seem to.

Problem 2 - you can advise but she needs to be a big girl and deal with this herself. It sounds like a huge reaction to 'teasing'. Is it teasing, or bullying/being nasty? I think it shows character to deal with teasing/banter in good humour (but then I'm British, it's our bread and butter) but bullying and nastiness needs to be challenged. I'm sorry but I have no idea what you mean by she doesn't feel 'honoured' by them.  Her (husband? I'm a bit confused) can talk to his mum. She may not realise she is crossing the line. If he isn't convinced, if he thinks his mum is being deliberately nasty, then he needs to step up for your daughter and put a stop to it, firmly.

Overall I am wondering if there is a bit of a culture clash (or two) here. Even cultures from different parts of the same country can be quite different. Your emphasis on status being reflected by where you sit, and the concept of someone 'having a place' (as in heirarchy?) in the family (although generally speaking our oldies are higher status than the kids, of course, and I think that's pretty universal? But at the meal you were offended that the younger members (DH) were in a lower status seat than their elders (their aunts/uncles), and 'honouring' someone, are so far from my experience I find it hard to understand your problem. If they are also not the values of the other people you talk about, then it may all be a big misunderstanding.

I think it helps a lot to read the other thread linked in second post.

I think (I could be be wrong) OP feels daughter has been treated/feels underappreciated , least favored , unloved (not sure what word OP would use here) both by her father and paternal grandparents.  So OP is making a particular effort to make sure Daughter is treated fairly and with love ie being invited to her brother bday/father retirement dinner.  SO "Her place" = an equal grandchild and child

TurtleDove

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #31 on: January 20, 2014, 11:38:08 AM »
I am also quite confused. It seems the DH and DD are not on the same page and that isn't really something etiquette can help with.  I don't see where the DH is wrong necessarily (or that he even knows DD is upset) but rather that the DD and DH may not be a good match.

sparksals

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Re: Honoring daughter
« Reply #32 on: January 20, 2014, 05:48:42 PM »
This thread is confusing because it is really kind of a follow up to the post the op linked in the 2nd post.   This is a good example of when doing a follow up in the original post is considerably easier especially when people read the follow up without knowing the history.  Continuity is then preserved.

OP it might help if you go back to your first post when you originally posted the issue of your DD being ignored and put the link to this thread so people who were following that get this update info.

OP actually posted the link to the previous discussion in the second post of this thread. She has also added it to her first post (superfluously) on your advice.

(I did not exactly get your gist... you want her to post a link to _this_ thread in her older post.  While a nice thought that would bump up an old thread... plus, continuing drama/sagas tend to get a O.O from me.  (No idea how others feel). Kind of makes me wonder if the person with a jillion threads on the same subject has been absorbing anything discussed over time on this forum.) 

But even without that link advice as to what an adult child can do is per usual: they fight their own battles with only support and advice from the parents.  To have a parent step in to a Marital difficulty or an Inlaw difficulty would be the epitome of a helicopter parent. (unneeded advice... having read sparksals' post wrong)


She linked to her old thread in this post, but it appeared many didn't read it b/c they didn't get the gist, which is why I suggested she go back to her OLD thread with the original story and post the link to this thread so those following that will get the follow up.  Since she posted a new thread, people reading this one did not have the backstory, or didn't read it, hence why people were so confused.