S/O to "Don't Bring Your Boyfriend" - Why?! (rant)

[snowball's chance]

I think that a lot of these women are in for a big surprise when they start going through stages where they don't really like there significant other (, and yes, there will be times when they don't really like each other, even if they are still in love). Sometimes you just need some time without them, and they are setting themselves up for a huge disappointment.

I agree.

I get somewhat uncomfortable when my single friends are always complaining about being single and not "having a man."  I just can't relate to that anymore.

I would hope I'd never do that to my friends, I'd probably be more apt to complain about people trying fix me up b/c I'm available!  ("Kevin's cousin is coming to the BBQ!  He lives w/ his mom, has more body hair than Sasquatch, doesn't have a job, but good news . . . He DOESN'T have a GF!!!")  And I know that you didn't direct this at me, but I can't relate to getting married, since I've never been, but I still celebrate my friends' weddings with them, and stand up as their BM, as well as listen to them vent about DH or live-in BF, even though I can't relate to that particular event.

With that being said, my DH works a lot and is out of town.  When he is in town, I will go out with my friends on occasions, but that is my time that I spend with my DH.  

This is TOTALLY understandable!  I was like this when I was in a LD relationship w/ ex-BF.

It's not surprising that women who spend their entire single life looking for a man will spend all of their time with said man once he's found.  (Same for the other way around, too.)

Wow, I never thought of it that way, but I think you make a really good point.

I don't think IIL meant it that way behindbj.  And I don't think anyone would say that single folks are behind married folks - have you seen some people's marriages?    

I know lots of single folks who have no interest in hearing about my DH or my kids - and I know married folks who have no interest in hearing about single life or dating or anything like that.  I'm not saying I agree with it, but sometimes friendships just grow apart.  I think making time is something both parties in a friendship should work on despite marital status - but sometimes people just aren't interested in the same things anymore.  It isn't a diss to either party, its just the way things pan out sometimes.

I get what you're saying about it not being a 'better' stage, but when it's not articulated that way, 'next' can come off as 'better', and, honestly, how would you feel if your married friends dropped you if g-d forbid you divorced or was widowed?  Would you expect them to write you off b/c they can relate to that stage in your life?

[snowball's chance]

I don't always talk about my interpersonal relationships...but I've had friendships die because the other party wanted to hear nothing about DH.  She got upset when I mentioned that, oh we saw such and such movie.  She wanted me to talk about life as if he didn't exist or he wasn't a part of my life.  It was really weird and majorly her issue, but some people are like that.  I must say that the majority of my friends aren't - but some people feel as if S/O should never be mentioned even in passing.

Now, this, I don't think is cool.  If I went to dinner w/ ANYONE, my husband (if I had one), my mom, my brother, my boss, whoever, I'd expect to start the anecdote w/ "So-and-so and I were at X Restaurant . . ."  Why leave that out, no matter who it is   

[Elfqueen13]

I get what you're saying about it not being a 'better' stage, but when it's not articulated that way, 'next' can come off as 'better', and, honestly, how would you feel if your married friends dropped you if g-d forbid you divorced or was widowed?  Would you expect them to write you off b/c they can relate to that stage in your life?

She didn't say "next" or "better", just "another".  There's no implication of progression or preference, simply difference.  My fiance is out of town for 8 weeks (he's been gone 4 and will be back in another 4).  While I've called up a couple of people I don't talk to much anymore I don't expect anyone to drop what they are doing or rearrange their lives because of it.  I put romantic relationships ahead of friendships and I don't expect my friends to do anything different.  So far most of the invitations I've received are from couple-friends of ours to do things with both of them.

[snowball's chance]

I get what you're saying about it not being a 'better' stage, but when it's not articulated that way, 'next' can come off as 'better', and, honestly, how would you feel if your married friends dropped you if g-d forbid you divorced or was widowed?  Would you expect them to write you off b/c they can relate to that stage in your life?

She didn't say "next" or "better", just "another".  There's no implication of progression or preference, simply difference.  

I thought that's what I said.  *I* understand what IIL & others meant, but was pointing out I can also see how it was construed.  I kind of equate to when someone says about a friend, "We used to go the bar every night together in college.  She still drinks every day, five years after college, but I've moved on form that stage of my life."

[snowball's chance]

 I put romantic relationships ahead of friendships and I don't expect my friends to do anything different.  

I would NEVER expect my friendship w/ someone to come before her or his marriage or significant relationship, but I would hope that said friend would still make a point to keep me in her or his life.

[EtiClerk]

I think one of the issues here is just that people have limited time.  Before I had an SO I went out about 2 nights a week with different friends.  Now, I still go out 2 nights a week but at least one of those nights is with the SO.  That leaves one night free.  All my friends are not friends with each other and assuming I get to see one of them a week - I still only get to see each one of them once a month or so.  Less if I am travelling and/or the SO and I are working opposite shifts and only have the weekend to see each other. 

The fact that people go home to the same house every night does not mean they get to spend a lot of time together.  I've had girlfriends get upset that I don't hang out with them because I have all the time in the world to spend with the SO.  Guess what?  Not true.  When he is working nights and I am working days we have one hour (his lunch break at dinner time) together.  Even when we are working the same hours, we get home late, eat, and fall into bed.  Not a lot of quality relationship going on while we are both drooling on pillows the majority of our time together. 

I often make plans with friends on a night when I know the SO will be busy because that time presents the opportunity to be with friends without taking time away from my limited time with SO.  My friends are important to me but I just can't do things on the spur of the moment like I used to because I have someone else's schedule/expectations to consider. 

Some may not like it but my default now is "I have plans with SO".  Because I do.  Every night.  By default I have plans to eat dinner with him, be there when he gets home, chat with him while we unwind.  I won't change those plans on him at the last minute, even if it is ladies night and the drinks are free until midnight.

The friends I have kept in touch with are the ones willing to plan ahead so I can spend time with them, instead of just continuing to call 1/2 hour before they go out each night. 

[Elfqueen13]

I get what you're saying about it not being a 'better' stage, but when it's not articulated that way, 'next' can come off as 'better', and, honestly, how would you feel if your married friends dropped you if g-d forbid you divorced or was widowed?  Would you expect them to write you off b/c they can relate to that stage in your life?

She didn't say "next" or "better", just "another".  There's no implication of progression or preference, simply difference.  

I thought that's what I said.  *I* understand what IIL & others meant, but was pointing out I can also see how it was construed.  I kind of equate to when someone says about a friend, "We used to go the bar every night together in college.  She still drinks every day, five years after college, but I've moved on form that stage of my life."

That statement, about the college friend still drinking nightly, to me implies a progression.  You've moved past that point, while she's still there.  Most people move back and forth between "single" and "coupled" several times in their adult life making it less a linear progession and more cyclic.  Behaviors and habits that work at one point don't always carry through to another.  I think most people tend to gravitate towards others at the same point in the cycle and move away from those who are at a different point.

[snowball's chance]

I get what you're saying about it not being a 'better' stage, but when it's not articulated that way, 'next' can come off as 'better', and, honestly, how would you feel if your married friends dropped you if g-d forbid you divorced or was widowed?  Would you expect them to write you off b/c they can relate to that stage in your life?

She didn't say "next" or "better", just "another".  There's no implication of progression or preference, simply difference.  

I thought that's what I said.  *I* understand what IIL & others meant, but was pointing out I can also see how it was construed.  I kind of equate to when someone says about a friend, "We used to go the bar every night together in college.  She still drinks every day, five years after college, but I've moved on form that stage of my life."

That statement, about the college friend still drinking nightly, to me implies a progression.  You've moved past that point, while she's still there.  Most people move back and forth between "single" and "coupled" several times in their adult life making it less a linear progession and more cyclic.  Behaviors and habits that work at one point don't always carry through to another.  I think most people tend to gravitate towards others at the same point in the cycle and move away from those who are at a different point.

Do you HONESTLY see yourself as ever being single again?  Barring, g-d forbid, the death of your fiance?  I think most people who get engaged and then married plan to be w/ that person 'til death parts them, so I don't think they see their realtionship as a cycle.

[magicdomino]

Be patient.  Eventually, the children grow up, the spouse develops his own interests or, God forbid, the marriage suffers either divorce or death.  My friends have more time now than they did ten years ago.

[lovinAZ]

 I put romantic relationships ahead of friendships and I don't expect my friends to do anything different.  

I would NEVER expect my friendship w/ someone to come before her or his marriage or significant relationship, but I would hope that said friend would still make a point to keep me in her or his life.

I wouldn't either, but my marriage being my priority doesn't necessarily mean that I need to spend all of my free time with DH.  If he traveled a lot or we were on opposite schedules, then us both being free and together would mean something different.  But for the majority of childless couples working 8-5 jobs, plenty of time can be carved out for everyone.  It's the *friendships* that need more weight to them.  No matter how great your marriage is, good friends are priceless, and I am fortunate to have friends who agree

[Elfqueen13]

Do you HONESTLY see yourself as ever being single again?  Barring, g-d forbid, the death of your fiance?  I think most people who get engaged and then married plan to be w/ that person 'til death parts them, so I don't think they see their realtionship as a cycle.

No, of course not.  But I didn't see it last time I got married either.  The only constant in life is change.  To ignore that fact is to leave oneself unequipped to handle change when it comes.

[DrinkingTea (was Sneezy)]

After moving to where I live now, I've found that friends of mine who have coupled go AWOL until I am also coupled, after which we go out on 'couple dates' where the men talk and the women talk, but men don't talk with women and vice versa.  Unfortunately, most of my friends were male so I spend the evening talking to his girlfriend who I have little to nothing in common with for virtually all of the evening.  I have made new acquaintances that I really like this way, but it's not frequent.

My best friend from school, first grade through graduation, really hurt me by dumping me as a friend my first year of college because she was in a 'different stage.'  She even wrote my mother a note explaining why she was distancing herself from me, explaining that it was because she had moved on to the next stage.  She was living with a man and I was not seriously involved with someone, because I was going to school full time and working, so I didn't really have a chance to seriously date at that point.  I did have a boyfriend all through high school, but I always spent at least one night of the weekend with her and talked pretty much every day the entire time I was dating him.  Her mom would drop everything for the man in her life, so she probably picked up on that, but I still took it personally at the time.

One associates with those they have things in common with, especially in relation to where they are on life's path.  While it's nice to have diversity in one's friends, sometimes you don't want to have a learning experience - you just want to talk to someone without giving a ton of background on the situation with someone who is at that same place.  Unfortunately, I think some people take it too far and fire everyone who is not 'with them,' so to speak.

[pennylane]

I've made sure to be careful to not end up being one of those friends that disappears when she has a man.

However, I was guilty of doing that eons ago when I was still dating my ex.  There were alot of my friends that I didn't see for a long time, or didn't make plans with because I was always with the ex.  Funny how I always saw the ex's friends, and he never missed out on seeing them.  When we broke up (the first time) I realized what a tremendous mistake I made, and resolved to never do it again.  I got back into touch with many friends I saw so little of, and made the effort to see them, and continued to even when ex and I got back together.  I realized how much I'd missed them, felt so bad for being out of touch, and at the same time, found myself putting up with less crap from the ex. After a while, I realized it would never work and I finally dumped him.  In addition to being able to be there for my friends, the support system I had once again made it much, much easier. 

[dietcokeofevil]

I tried really hard not to distance myself from my friends when I started dating my now DH.  But it works both ways, my friends also made it a point to get to know DH and to spend time with him as well.

I have friends of all different kinds of relationship statuses.  We've all had to realize that we just aren't that spontaneous anymore.  If we want to get together than we need a couple days notice, and the more people we are trying to get, then the earlier we have to start planning.

One thing to remember is that when a couple gets serious, they double their family commitments as well their friendships.

[BJPF]

I married at 23 so many of fmy riends were single and yes I need things with them including going to clubs. The club experience can suck if:

- Guys keep hitting on you even though you and your girlfriend shown no interest.  This is the girlfriend(s) want it be a true girls night out.

- The girlfriend wants you to play "wing man". (She want to flirt with that cute guy, you have to talk to his friend)
- The girlfriend leaves you while she dances/flirt with a guy. (Even if you try to be a sport and dance with his friend, it is very good odds that he want to dance dirty or make a pass at you - not fun)