Exactly - she didn't read my mind and give me the type of support I was expecting.
And yet, she didn't give me ANY!
I think there are a ton of scripts that could have played out here--even straight, "Oh, what a worrying time, poor you!" (which has become my default response when someone shares a worry--I've stopped trying to give advice or point people toward the bright side; I stick with a flat-out blast of sympathy and affection, and stop right there). And what you got was, "she'll just have to love him as he is," as if you didn't already know that, as if there was any possibility that some other pathway would be chosen.
it was a very "shutting down" type of comment, and reading it here, it sounds almost scoldy. I don't know what her tone is, but I've tried out several different tones, mentally, and they *all* sound dismissive. They all come across as though I'm trying to shut the conversation down, right now.
I think you have every right to be hurt, and maybe since this is a friend of such long standing, you might need to say that to her. Avoid the mention of the word choice--stick with "I felt dismissed, I felt as though you were trying to simply end the conversation. It hurt my feelings, I needed some comfort from you, and it felt like i got a conversation-ending lecture. I'm still bothered by it now, a few days later, so I felt it was important to share--I'd hate for this to fester and create hesitancy between us. I'm not sure where we go from here--I'm not even sure what response I want from you now. Maybe just that when I mention these worries, you'd say, 'Oh, I feel for you, just know that I love you.' or something. And, anyway, I think I'm not going to share much of it with you, because it just didn't go well."
As a friend hearing that, I know I'd say, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." I might say, "I feel at a loss, your tone made me feel pressured to say something, and I find that so frustrating, because there isn't anything helpful I can say. Except you're right, I can just say, 'I love you, and I feel for you.' "
(I didn't care much about the choice of word from the beginning--at the very start, I felt that your main complaint was the dismissiveness of her words. I don't know if her tone was equally conversation-ending or not.)