Author Topic: That kinda hurt my feelings...  (Read 10905 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #60 on: January 21, 2014, 01:34:57 PM »
Exactly - she didn't read my mind and give me the type of support I was expecting.

And yet, she didn't give me ANY!

Well, in your friend's defence, going by your OP you didn't ask for any. You said your daughter was afraid that he might have an issue. And her answer was geared towards your daughter. So, she answered the question you threw out. You didn't actually ask in a way that indicated *you* needed support with the issue.

I think perpetua may have a point.

OP I don't think you're wrong to be hurt but I don't think friend is necessarily at fault.   Even in your post you're somewhat conflicted.  You're not panicked , you know the doctor is overreacting but you need reassurance the doctor is wrong. Your feelings all of them are perfectly normal but picking the soothing thing to say isn't easy. 

Have a conversation with your friend of 30 years. Not about what she did wrong but about your feelings.


Toots I think it depends a little on what friend "heard"  I might hear "I'm annoyed with my daughter reaction" not "I'm worried about my grandson."

Julsie

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #61 on: January 21, 2014, 01:49:54 PM »
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Oh my gosh. Thank you for this! I read the brief on Amazon and am totally seeing my DS in it.

Glad to be of help!  My son wasn't talking at all at 24 months and we went through a battery of tests, which were all normal.  One day he just started talking in fluent sentences.  At age 17 he earned an associate's degree in physics and now he's majoring in engineering... just like his father and grandfather.

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Or if someone's son is suddenly aggressive at age 3, I will mention that is very common and the little boys get a nice shot of testosterone right around that time

Oh my gosh, thank you for this!  I have a three year old and all of a sudden he's gone from sweetness and light to scuffles and scowls!

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2014, 01:52:01 PM »
Just to be fair, I sometimes worry that I respond inappropriately to friends when they unburden themselves.  Specifically, I worry that I may sound dismissive, but the actuality is: I don't know what to say or how to say it.  As I have gotten older, I have learned that the best is often the simplest: I am so sorry.

Maybe your friend was just overwhelmed, and reacted badly.

It is often a sad but true fact: the person who needs the support may often have to give it to the person they have confided in.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

Tea Drinker

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #63 on: January 21, 2014, 02:08:48 PM »
Exactly - she didn't read my mind and give me the type of support I was expecting.

And yet, she didn't give me ANY!

That might be a place to start. Tell her that you've been friends for 30 years, and you normally can rely on her to be helpful and supportive, and are unhappy that she shut you down this time. It's possible that when you tell her what you need, it will turn out that this is the one place she can't do more than say "Oh dear, that's hard, would you like a cup of tea?" because of stuff you don't know about. But what you know right now is that she guessed wrong about the reaction you'd want: so tell her. Not as a script, but "I was hoping for support because I'm worried" or "I need someone to talk about this and maybe help me figure out if there's anything I should do right now."
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

TootsNYC

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #64 on: January 21, 2014, 03:12:51 PM »
Just to be fair, I sometimes worry that I respond inappropriately to friends when they unburden themselves.  Specifically, I worry that I may sound dismissive, but the actuality is: I don't know what to say or how to say it.  As I have gotten older, I have learned that the best is often the simplest: I am so sorry.

Maybe your friend was just overwhelmed, and reacted badly.

It is often a sad but true fact: the person who needs the support may often have to give it to the person they have confided in.

Sort of like my decision recently to simply say, "oh, that sucks! I'm so sorry, I am wishing you strength. I care about you."

But I have often recently started to say to people: "Do you know what you'd like? Do you want a 'spare brain,' or do you want encouragement, or do you just want someone to sympathize with you and say, 'That's awful!' "

Eeep!

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #65 on: January 21, 2014, 03:43:08 PM »
I agree with Toots that it seems like "shutting down" language to me.  I'm just not seeing how saying "well she will just have to get used to it/deal with it", without any other sort of follow-up can be seen as anything but that.  It doesn't invite further discussion. It doesn't show any sort of concern.  It pretty much is a show stopper.
I did have one thought though - could the friend have also been offended by the daughter's use of the word retarded for her child and reacting to that?
I also think that it is a good point that perhaps the friend missed that the OP herself was concerned and just thought that she was discussing her daughter's concern.  But even if that was how the friend understood the conversation, to me her response suggests that she has nothing else to say on the topic.  Which seems dismissive.  After all, it would be conceivable that her friend has feelings about what her daughter is thinking/feeling. She did bring it up for a reason.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #66 on: January 21, 2014, 04:09:20 PM »
But I have often recently started to say to people: "Do you know what you'd like? Do you want a 'spare brain,' or do you want encouragement, or do you just want someone to sympathize with you and say, 'That's awful!' "

I saw something recently in Carolyn Hax which is applicable here.  Someone asked a friend going through a very bad patch: What kind of a friend do you need me to be for you?  Do you want the supportive, willing to listen to you friend?  Or do you need me to be the distractor for a while: talk about other things, so that you feel like a normal person for a few minutes and not THAT PERSON WHO HAS CANCER?

I thought that was such a useful way of looking at it, including the fact that my friend might need me to be different things on different days.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #67 on: January 21, 2014, 04:34:03 PM »
I agree with the other's that your friend may not have known what you were really upset about.

Honestly if a friend said to me "My DD is concerned her son is retarded." I would think your mostly wanting to talk about your DD and her reaction to her son being "no perfect". I would think you were opening up a conversation about "I can't believe my DD is calling her son retarded" and her behavior. And I would want to shut down this conversation because I would most likely end up agreeing with you that your DD was being a crappy mother acting this way and then later you'd be made at me.

But if you'd led off the conversation with "My DD is sending GS for testing as there is concern about his speech development. We are all really concerned." then I'd be saying more platitudes of "oh, I'm sure it will work out. His very young and they probably just want to put everyone's mind at ease.

I hope you want let this one conversation color your 30 year friendship.

m2kbug

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #68 on: January 21, 2014, 04:40:41 PM »
I'm wondering if the friend was just overwhelmed with a very big issue and didn't really react or respond all that well.  The OP had some time to digest this information and talk to DD, but for the friend, this was brand new and last minute and a very difficult set of circumstances.  Hopefully now, after some time has passed and she has had an opportunity to process this information, she can be better in offering some support and dialogue. 
« Last Edit: January 21, 2014, 05:28:19 PM by m2kbug »

TootsNYC

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #69 on: January 21, 2014, 05:05:31 PM »
I agree with the other's that your friend may not have known what you were really upset about.

Honestly if a friend said to me "My DD is concerned her son is retarded." I would think your mostly wanting to talk about your DD and her reaction to her son being "no perfect". I would think you were opening up a conversation about "I can't believe my DD is calling her son retarded" and her behavior. And I would want to shut down this conversation because I would most likely end up agreeing with you that your DD was being a crappy mother acting this way and then later you'd be made at me.

But if you'd led off the conversation with "My DD is sending GS for testing as there is concern about his speech development. We are all really concerned." then I'd be saying more platitudes of "oh, I'm sure it will work out. His very young and they probably just want to put everyone's mind at ease.

I hope you want let this one conversation color your 30 year friendship.

Also, if you're talking about your daughter, she may have switched into a more "parental" mindset, and some people only know how to be "bossy" when they're in that mode. They don't think of one's offspring--their own, or someone else's--in any way but "tell them what to do."

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #70 on: January 21, 2014, 05:13:02 PM »
My friend Alice's friend Betty got angry with Alice because of something Alice said offhand.  Betty eventually confronted Alice, saying Alice had been rude, insulting, hurtful, etc.  Alice's response was beautiful:

"Betty, we've been friends for 15 years.  I said something that you think was intentionally hurtful.  You know me better than that."


We all sometimes say something that doesn't come out right, or don't say something we should have. 

Redneck Gravy, I think you need to talk to your friend -- not so much about being bothered by her reaction, but because she's your best friend to whom you turn when things get tough.

It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #71 on: January 21, 2014, 05:42:32 PM »
The issue really is the tone my friend took - sorta of "so whatish", it is what it is. 

When I read you're first post that's what struck me. Your friend (I'm assuming a good friend since you're discussing this with her) gave a possibly big thing a brush off. Almost as if you had said "DD is concerned grandson is bad at soccer", and she'd said "Well, it is what is, some kids just aren't good at soccer" which is true and not being good at soccer is nothing to be worried about.

But this could be something to be worried about. Or it might be nothing. If you'd been talking to me and I did know you're grandson, you'd get far too much information on how kids do speak at different times, some just take a bit longer, that there could be other issues at play, now is a good time to start looking into therapies but not worrying, and here are some agencies that can help your family. But that's because of work I do (and did) and work my best friend does. It's part of my world.

The next time you speak with her, I'd let her know that her it is what is attitude about your grandson was upsetting because you were seeking some comfort or reassurances. I don't think there is anything wrong telling someone what you're wanting from them. I'm not saying what she said was wrong, or that your feelings are wrong. You expected her to X, instead she did Y, neither of you are wrong, but as your friend you can (and should) tell her that you're looking for something more in X territory then Y territory.

immadz

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #72 on: January 21, 2014, 07:55:14 PM »
What your friend said, would have actually made me feel quite comforted.
Because it would have meant (a) If the situation is the worst case, I can accept it and deal with it. (b) it doesn't require acceptance, and coping mechanisms right now. It is a lot better than " Lots of kids don't talk till 3, why are you worried?", because I feel that would be dismissive of my concerns.


TootsNYC

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #73 on: January 21, 2014, 10:00:45 PM »
If she'd said, "No matter what the diagnosis is, I'm sure she'll love him anyway," that might have felt comforting.

But "she'll just have to..." just feels preachy, and that "just" is really dismissive to me.

AustenFan

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Re: That kinda hurt my feelings...
« Reply #74 on: January 21, 2014, 11:22:58 PM »
If she'd said, "No matter what the diagnosis is, I'm sure she'll love him anyway," that might have felt comforting.

But "she'll just have to..." just feels preachy, and that "just" is really dismissive to me.

I think your first statement is incredibly offensive, the 'love him anyway' part makes it sound like that could ever be in doubt, as in OPs daughter will love her son in spite of his possible disability.

To each their own, I guess.