Author Topic: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?  (Read 7241 times)

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Editeer

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #45 on: January 24, 2014, 02:30:17 PM »
If a couple gets married (legally) on a different date from the wedding celebration, it wouldn't matter to me. They are not violating the rule of having more than one wedding. I know several couples who have done this. I also know an American woman who married a Japanese man, and they had a ceremony in the US and another ceremony in Japan, because it wasn't possible for either family to travel. It's up to the couple to decide which date to consider their official marriage date and when to celebrate their anniversary.

The only issue would be if they were trying to have 2 weddings with the same invitees, like the couple in another thread.

lady_disdain

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #46 on: January 24, 2014, 04:23:07 PM »
Because of an international job assignment and immigration issues, my niece and her fiance had to marry about 6 months before the actual wedding they were already in the midst of planning. But we knew they were marrying in their new country at a courthouse so I just sent a congratulations card and then a gift for the actual wedding.

Since they've already been married for almost 6 months, I wouldn't do anything now but wait for the wedding they are planning. I'm assuming since they kept the first one secret they plan for this second one to be their "official" wedding.

POD. DS2 and DIL had to do something similar due to Army timing. The courthouse wasn't their wedding it was legal paperwork.

If they received military spousal benefits effective the date of they went to the courthouse, then they were legally married that day and it was their wedding.

You are welcome to see it that way but, as you can see on this thread, not everyone agrees.

wolfie

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #47 on: January 24, 2014, 04:27:12 PM »
Because of an international job assignment and immigration issues, my niece and her fiance had to marry about 6 months before the actual wedding they were already in the midst of planning. But we knew they were marrying in their new country at a courthouse so I just sent a congratulations card and then a gift for the actual wedding.

Since they've already been married for almost 6 months, I wouldn't do anything now but wait for the wedding they are planning. I'm assuming since they kept the first one secret they plan for this second one to be their "official" wedding.

POD. DS2 and DIL had to do something similar due to Army timing. The courthouse wasn't their wedding it was legal paperwork.

If they received military spousal benefits effective the date of they went to the courthouse, then they were legally married that day and it was their wedding.

You are welcome to see it that way but, as you can see on this thread, not everyone agrees.

Part of that is a fact. If they received military spousal benefits then they are legally married.

I guess that leaves the question of can you be married and not have had a wedding?

lady_disdain

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #48 on: January 24, 2014, 05:14:50 PM »
Because, as many posters have stated, the governmental paperwork is only part of the question to many and a very small part to some.

wolfie

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #49 on: January 24, 2014, 05:20:17 PM »
Because, as many posters have stated, the governmental paperwork is only part of the question to many and a very small part to some.

But legally married = the government recognizes it. That is separate then you personally feeling married or not. You cannot receive government spousal benefits without being legally married. But you can be legally married and feel that you aren't actually married.

lady_disdain

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #50 on: January 24, 2014, 05:32:10 PM »
And to many religions, if you weren't married in the church or temple, you aren't married. Marriage is much more complicated than just the legal, religious or social parts individually. I think people should celebrate whatever part of their wedding is most important to them.

The legal aspect is only one part. A marriage can be over long before divorce papers are signed and it is legally over.

Corvid

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #51 on: January 24, 2014, 06:47:41 PM »
No, it really isn't as clear-cut as legal vs. emotional for me.  If a same-gender couple considers themselves as spouses, so do I whether or not they've been able to have a legal ceremony.  If someone lives in a country where they're required by law to register at a government office before they get to have their religious ceremony, then of course the religious ceremony is their real wedding.  As far as I'm concerned, if a couple have lived together for a number of years, have kids together, have bought major appliances/automobiles/houses or some combination of big money items together, they're spouses in my eyes.

But while I will never, ever, ever call anyone on it, because it's not any of my business, I will always feel that this idea of "Well, I want these benefits and/or this convenience of being married so I'll go ahead and legally marry (and do and get everything that a legally married couple does) but I'm not going to consider myself as married because I still want my Special Day" is disingenuous at best.  However, if people want to legally marry and get benefits and cohabit and generally be married but kid themselves that they aren't married so they can walk down the aisle in a white dress and have a party, it's no skin off my nose.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2014, 06:49:13 PM by Corvid »

Library Dragon

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #52 on: January 24, 2014, 07:08:36 PM »
For DS2 and DIL there wasn't any difference in benefits. DS2 had his reporting date changed.

Thursday: DS2 came home
Friday: Legal
Monday-Friday: Taking care of paperwork
Saturday: Church Wedding that had been planned for months
Monday: DS2 left to go to duty assignment (I hate those 5am flights)

The events didn't even straddle a month. No PX or commissary visits. No doctor visit.

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Corvid

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #53 on: January 24, 2014, 07:13:13 PM »
For DS2 and DIL there wasn't any difference in benefits. DS2 had his reporting date changed.

Thursday: DS2 came home
Friday: Legal
Monday-Friday: Taking care of paperwork
Saturday: Church Wedding that had been planned for months
Monday: DS2 left to go to duty assignment (I hate those 5am flights)

The events didn't even straddle a month. No PX or commissary visits. No doctor visit.

That's not the sort of thing I'm talking about at all.  That's more like a two-part wedding, Part A one day and Part B a (very) short time later.  I'll spot anyone a week and a half.  Heck, I'll spot anyone a month and a half.  10 months?  16 months?  Not so much.
« Last Edit: January 24, 2014, 07:16:10 PM by Corvid »

wolfie

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #54 on: January 24, 2014, 09:29:57 PM »
And to many religions, if you weren't married in the church or temple, you aren't married. Marriage is much more complicated than just the legal, religious or social parts individually. I think people should celebrate whatever part of their wedding is most important to them.

The legal aspect is only one part. A marriage can be over long before divorce papers are signed and it is legally over.

Right. BUt you can't say that someone who gets government spousal benefits means they are legally married is an opinion. Because it's not. It's a fact. You can't get government spousal benefits without being legally married. How you feel about it, how your religion feels about it, how the lady across the street feels about it is different. But you can only get a government spousal benefit with a legal marriage and they don't care how you feel about it.

lady_disdain

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #55 on: January 24, 2014, 10:07:51 PM »
And to many religions, if you weren't married in the church or temple, you aren't married. Marriage is much more complicated than just the legal, religious or social parts individually. I think people should celebrate whatever part of their wedding is most important to them.

The legal aspect is only one part. A marriage can be over long before divorce papers are signed and it is legally over.

Right. BUt you can't say that someone who gets government spousal benefits means they are legally married is an opinion. Because it's not. It's a fact. You can't get government spousal benefits without being legally married. How you feel about it, how your religion feels about it, how the lady across the street feels about it is different. But you can only get a government spousal benefit with a legal marriage and they don't care how you feel about it.

My point is that people are not obliged to celebrate the legal part of it, necessarily. They can celebrate whichever part is most relevant to them.

MariaE

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #56 on: January 25, 2014, 01:59:09 AM »
And to many religions, if you weren't married in the church or temple, you aren't married. Marriage is much more complicated than just the legal, religious or social parts individually. I think people should celebrate whatever part of their wedding is most important to them.

The legal aspect is only one part. A marriage can be over long before divorce papers are signed and it is legally over.

Right. BUt you can't say that someone who gets government spousal benefits means they are legally married is an opinion. Because it's not. It's a fact. You can't get government spousal benefits without being legally married. How you feel about it, how your religion feels about it, how the lady across the street feels about it is different. But you can only get a government spousal benefit with a legal marriage and they don't care how you feel about it.

My point is that people are not obliged to celebrate the legal part of it, necessarily. They can celebrate whichever part is most relevant to them.

Exactly. Of course my friend was legally married after they went to the courthouse. But they didn't find that part worth celebrating. And who am I to tell them they should celebrate the legal aspect instead of the religious aspect, just because the legal aspect came first?
 
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wolfie

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #57 on: January 25, 2014, 11:32:54 AM »
And to many religions, if you weren't married in the church or temple, you aren't married. Marriage is much more complicated than just the legal, religious or social parts individually. I think people should celebrate whatever part of their wedding is most important to them.

The legal aspect is only one part. A marriage can be over long before divorce papers are signed and it is legally over.

Right. BUt you can't say that someone who gets government spousal benefits means they are legally married is an opinion. Because it's not. It's a fact. You can't get government spousal benefits without being legally married. How you feel about it, how your religion feels about it, how the lady across the street feels about it is different. But you can only get a government spousal benefit with a legal marriage and they don't care how you feel about it.

My point is that people are not obliged to celebrate the legal part of it, necessarily. They can celebrate whichever part is most relevant to them.

Right. But that has  nothing to do with the point that was being made that the government only extends benefits to legal marriages.

Mikayla

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #58 on: January 25, 2014, 12:41:19 PM »
I agree with what Corvid has been saying.  I get that it's none of my business and that people can do what they want, but barring certain religious or cultural issues, I can't wrap my head around using the term "wedding" when the couple is already married legally. 

Also, under the category of "keeping it real", in the US there's no denying that many people are doing this for all the wrong reasons.  There's a world of difference between a couple doing something for religious beliefs vs regretting a small wedding and staging a distasteful do-over.  (I'm not saying that applies in the OPs situation.  I just re-read the OP and this couple got married to buy a house together.  I'm not sure what that means, though, because you don't have to be married to buy a house).



Another Sarah

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Re: Already married but 'wedding' is in 8 mos. - when to send gift?
« Reply #59 on: January 27, 2014, 05:48:06 AM »
Ok, putting it another way  - why can't a couple who are legally married celebrate that marriage with a wedding ceremony and reception, provided that they haven't already done so?
For me, completing the paperwork would mean I was legally married, but completing the ceremony would mean I was spiritually married. It's two halves of the same thing, and they traditionally happen on the same day to avoid confusion, but if they don't, why do I have to get uptight about what to call the wedding ceremony?

I do find it quite insulting that some posters seem to equate the wedding ceremony with the party afterwards. They are very separate things - but - taking the ceremony out of the question and addressing the reception point, when a couple gets married, however they get married, they have the opportunity to celebrate that fact with their loved ones. If that doesn't happen on the same day as the legal marriage, where's the harm?

This is very different to having two weddings - Having a birthday party on the saturday when your birthday was on wednesday doesn't negate the fact you want to celebrate a milestone. Having two birthday parties would.