A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

Dear Abby 01 24 2014

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kherbert05:
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20140124


First letter the girl is upset because her fiance hasn't asked her parents for permission to marry her and her father is threatening to not come to any wedding unless he does.


People really expect people to act like a grown woman is her Dad's property? Because that is what it smacks of to me.


With all my grandparents, great aunts/uncles, aunts/uncles, parents 1st cousins, my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd cousins there has to be close to  100 (I stopped counting at 75) marriages and only 4 divorces and one of those got remarried after they worked out some personal issues. I don't think one of them involved asking a father for permission. Just told the parents we are getting married. If either set of parents wanted to help fine, but most paid for their own even back in 1920's and 30's.  Both sets of grandparents eloped. Only one set of great grandparents objected and they were cut off till they came to their senses. In the 1920's and 30's my most of the women in my family had degrees and traveling 1/2 way around the world to work as a single woman wasn't unusual. (Actually more women than men in my family have bachelors or master degrees).

Yvaine:
If a potential fiance of mine went to my dad for permission before proposing to me, that would be an auto-no from me. I'm a 36yo woman with a life of my own, and I'm glad that tradition has fallen by the wayside. I do think it's weird that he won't go to lunch with them. Usually when a relationship starts getting serious, you start spending more time at each other's family stuff.

guihong:
I think the bigger issue that Abby found was that Chad hadn't met her parents at all.  I know if my daughter got engaged to a boy we'd never set eyes on, I'd be instantly worried.

My husband went to see my father (my mother had passed), but not because I was "property"; it was precisely because they hadn't met (lived 200 miles apart) and he wanted my dad to have a heads' up.

LeveeWoman:

--- Quote from: guihong on January 24, 2014, 09:52:23 AM ---I think the bigger issue that Abby found was that Chad hadn't met her parents at all.  I know if my daughter got engaged to a boy we'd never set eyes on, I'd be instantly worried.

My husband went to see my father (my mother had passed), but not because I was "property"; it was precisely because they hadn't met (lived 200 miles apart) and he wanted my dad to have a heads' up.

--- End quote ---

This would concern me if I had a child of any sex who was engaged.

Cz. Burrito:

--- Quote from: guihong on January 24, 2014, 09:52:23 AM ---I think the bigger issue that Abby found was that Chad hadn't met her parents at all.  I know if my daughter got engaged to a boy we'd never set eyes on, I'd be instantly worried.

My husband went to see my father (my mother had passed), but not because I was "property"; it was precisely because they hadn't met (lived 200 miles apart) and he wanted my dad to have a heads' up.

--- End quote ---

I definitely agree that there is a bigger issue here, but I totally understand why somebody might be reluctant to meet people who are so *outraged* over not being asked permission. I would think either before the proposal or shortly after would be acceptable times to meet the parents and get to know them. Maybe he did plan on meeting them shortly after and was scared off by their reaction to the engagement? 

Or it might be that he doesn't have the same concept of family that they do? That could be a huge marital problem down the road, but it certainly isn't helped by their acting antagonistic about the proposal.

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