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  • July 24, 2016, 05:48:33 PM

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Author Topic: My Uncle's Wedding  (Read 1583 times)

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PaintingPastelPrincess

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My Uncle's Wedding
« on: July 08, 2016, 12:07:31 AM »
My dad's younger brother, Jack,  is going to be married next month and I have a couple of relatively minor questions relating to the big day.

1. My dad passed away 3 years ago. Awhile before that, my (overly dramatic) mother had left him, but they had more or less made friends before Dad's death. My uncle has good memories of our family (he lived with us awhile when my siblings and I were small) and likes my mom well enough despite the drama between my parents.

Uncle Jack invited her to the wedding, but sent 1 invite to the family at my house. Mom has expressly asked me not to pass her contact info to anybody at all.

Mom doesn't want to go. I have communicated this to my uncle with the rsvp for the family members who are going. He's now bugging me on Facebook as to why she's not coming. The reasons are mainly petty and it would really just cause hurtful, unnecessary drama to explain it. I've just told him she can't make it and I don't know why. But, he keeps pressing the issue.

How should I proceed handling this? Keep repeating that she's not coming and I don't know why? Make up something innocuous that prevents her? I'm concerned both with the Facebook messages now and in person at the wedding/ reception. Uncle Jack and his daughters are pretty persistent. I'd like to shut it down politely and without drama!

2. The wedding is at 6pm on a weekday and has a semi formal dress code. I'll be coming straight from work. I have a work dress that I think might be okay, but want some opinions.

The dress is knee length and black. It has cap sleeves and the top is peplem style. It's not low cut. I'd wear it with sparkly jewelery and probably black pumps. Is this okay for an evening wedding in the summer?

The alternative I have in my closet is a navy blue, frilly dress with a frilly flower detail on the neckline. It's also knee length. I wore this one to my company's Christmas party last winter.

3. Last question! If the wedding starts at 6, what's the appropriate time to arrive?

Thank you all in advance!

kudeebee

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2016, 12:37:57 AM »
My dad's younger brother, Jack,  is going to be married next month and I have a couple of relatively minor questions relating to the big day.

1. My dad passed away 3 years ago. Awhile before that, my (overly dramatic) mother had left him, but they had more or less made friends before Dad's death. My uncle has good memories of our family (he lived with us awhile when my siblings and I were small) and likes my mom well enough despite the drama between my parents.

Uncle Jack invited her to the wedding, but sent 1 invite to the family at my house. Mom has expressly asked me not to pass her contact info to anybody at all.

Mom doesn't want to go. I have communicated this to my uncle with the rsvp for the family members who are going. He's now bugging me on Facebook as to why she's not coming. The reasons are mainly petty and it would really just cause hurtful, unnecessary drama to explain it. I've just told him she can't make it and I don't know why. But, he keeps pressing the issue.

How should I proceed handling this? Keep repeating that she's not coming and I don't know why? Make up something innocuous that prevents her? I'm concerned both with the Facebook messages now and in person at the wedding/ reception. Uncle Jack and his daughters are pretty persistent. I'd like to shut it down politely and without drama!

2. The wedding is at 6pm on a weekday and has a semi formal dress code. I'll be coming straight from work. I have a work dress that I think might be okay, but want some opinions.

The dress is knee length and black. It has cap sleeves and the top is peplem style. It's not low cut. I'd wear it with sparkly jewelery and probably black pumps. Is this okay for an evening wedding in the summer?

The alternative I have in my closet is a navy blue, frilly dress with a frilly flower detail on the neckline. It's also knee length. I wore this one to my company's Christmas party last winter.

3. Last question! If the wedding starts at 6, what's the appropriate time to arrive?

Thank you all in advance!

1.  I would reply one more time with "Jack, I'm not sure why you keep asking me this.  I have already told you she can't make it and I'm not sure why. Please don't ask again."

If they ask at the wedding say something similar "Whomever, Mom couldn't make it.  I am not sure why, so please don't keep asking me."  Then beandip or have to leave the group/person to go to the bathroom/see someone else.

2.  I think the black dress sounds fine.

3.  I would arrive about 5:30 to 5:40 p.m.  Gives you time to use bathroom if needed, sign guest book, get seated.

ladyknight1

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2016, 09:40:49 AM »
POD Kudebee

I would like to say that you have to become a wall that all the questions bounce off of. I imagine you will get more as you get closer to the wedding.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

PaintingPastelPrincess

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2016, 10:10:39 AM »
Thanks, both of you. Sometimes, life's just easier to figure out when someone else lays it out for you! ;D

SamiHami

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2016, 11:02:59 AM »
That is pretty rude of your uncle to persist in asking you why your mother won't be attending. Time to be a brick wall. Every time they ask why not, I would just say "Because she told me she wasn't." I agree with saying, "Please stop asking me that. I told you that she won't be there. Her reasons are her own."

I really don't like black for a wedding. Personally, I'd wear a different color. Since you already have a blue dress that you think would fit the bill, I'd go with that one.

And I'd show up around 5:45 for a 6 pm wedding.

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#borecore

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2016, 03:18:31 PM »
I think your dress sounds great, and I'd show up between 5:30 and 5:45. I don't think you ought to make up any excuses for your mom; just keep being a broken record.

greencat

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2016, 05:42:26 PM »
"Uncle, I've already given you all the answer I can give you about why Mom isn't coming:  I don't know, and I'm not going to ask her, because it's rude to ask for an explanation."

If the ceremony starts at 6, I'd want to be there by 5:30, personally.

I've changed in the bathroom on the way out the door, or as part of a bathroom break the last half hour of work, to go to events afterward.  You don't necessarily have to go to work in the same clothing you're going to the wedding in, just so long as you check that your undergarments work with your dressier clothes as well as your daytime wear!

Hmmmmm

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2016, 04:01:02 PM »
1. Mom's really sorry, but she just can't make it. ( assuming you didn't actually tell him that your mother "doesn't want to go". )
2. Sounds great. I mean get switch to lighter colored pumps if you have them but I seldom wear black shoes with black clothing in the summer. Just my preference.
3. Agree 5:30-5:45 is correct arrival time.

Kaypeep

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2016, 06:33:05 PM »
My mom suffers from anxiety and when she says no and people ask for a reason from me I tell them "Mom has issues and can't always handle events.  It's her, not you.  I won't press her on it, because that never works.  It's nothing personal about you, she loves you and wishes you well, she simply can't be there."  Maybe that's revealing too much information but for close friends and family who know my mom and worry her absence is due to something specific, I feel it best to put them at ease that it's not them, it's her.  Unfortunately my mom won't ever tell people she suffers from anxiety and instead flakes and that creates hurt feelings and drama because people do feel hurt when no reason is given and take it personally they are being snubbed.  I know etiquette says no excuses are required but in real life for big events I think those closest do us do deserve some kind of explanation.

gellchom

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2016, 10:07:22 AM »
My mom suffers from anxiety and when she says no and people ask for a reason from me I tell them "Mom has issues and can't always handle events.  It's her, not you.  I won't press her on it, because that never works.  It's nothing personal about you, she loves you and wishes you well, she simply can't be there."  Maybe that's revealing too much information but for close friends and family who know my mom and worry her absence is due to something specific, I feel it best to put them at ease that it's not them, it's her.  Unfortunately my mom won't ever tell people she suffers from anxiety and instead flakes and that creates hurt feelings and drama because people do feel hurt when no reason is given and take it personally they are being snubbed.  I know etiquette says no excuses are required but in real life for big events I think those closest do us do deserve some kind of explanation.

That's a very good point, kaypeep.  I don't know if this is such a situation -- Uncle is Mom's brother in law, not her brother.  But for a close relationship, "No is a complete sentence" and "an invitation is not a summons" and the like don't cut it.  If my own brother or my best friend declined an invitation to, say, my daughter's wedding, without giving any reason -- in fact, an extremely compelling reason -- I'd assume something was terribly wrong.  It would be dropping the big one.

It can be hard to find the sweet spot about how much explanation to give.  But although some reasons are personal, sharing them may still be better than triggering inevitable speculation.

RevMaxx

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2016, 11:15:16 AM »
When there is a wedding or large event I do not want to attend, when pressed for the "wahhh, why not?" my pat answer [little white lie] is, "Oh no! That's the date of a family wedding, I'm sorry I'll miss yours."
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Tea Drinker

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Re: My Uncle's Wedding
« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2016, 02:37:44 PM »
My dad's younger brother, Jack,  is going to be married next month and I have a couple of relatively minor questions relating to the big day.

1. My dad passed away 3 years ago. Awhile before that, my (overly dramatic) mother had left him, but they had more or less made friends before Dad's death. My uncle has good memories of our family (he lived with us awhile when my siblings and I were small) and likes my mom well enough despite the drama between my parents.

Uncle Jack invited her to the wedding, but sent 1 invite to the family at my house. Mom has expressly asked me not to pass her contact info to anybody at all.

Mom doesn't want to go. I have communicated this to my uncle with the rsvp for the family members who are going. He's now bugging me on Facebook as to why she's not coming. The reasons are mainly petty and it would really just cause hurtful, unnecessary drama to explain it. I've just told him she can't make it and I don't know why. But, he keeps pressing the issue.

How should I proceed handling this? Keep repeating that she's not coming and I don't know why? Make up something innocuous that prevents her? I'm concerned both with the Facebook messages now and in person at the wedding/ reception. Uncle Jack and his daughters are pretty persistent. I'd like to shut it down politely and without drama!

2. The wedding is at 6pm on a weekday and has a semi formal dress code. I'll be coming straight from work. I have a work dress that I think might be okay, but want some opinions.

The dress is knee length and black. It has cap sleeves and the top is peplem style. It's not low cut. I'd wear it with sparkly jewelery and probably black pumps. Is this okay for an evening wedding in the summer?

The alternative I have in my closet is a navy blue, frilly dress with a frilly flower detail on the neckline. It's also knee length. I wore this one to my company's Christmas party last winter.

3. Last question! If the wedding starts at 6, what's the appropriate time to arrive?

Thank you all in advance!

It wouldn't be rude to say something like "Jack, I've told you everything I know. Now let's talk about something more cheerful, like the fact that I am looking forward to the wedding."

Demanding reasons why a person has turned down an invitation is rude; demanding that a third party (you) do so on his behalf doesn't make Jack's behavior any better. I wouldn't call him on it, but knowing that the persistent questioning is inappropriate might help you stand firm.
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