Author Topic: Being told what you "have" to do  (Read 3159 times)

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jedikaiti

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #45 on: November 13, 2014, 12:14:58 PM »
Goldilocks, the caps = shouting and please stop it. Thank you.

Wait, really?  I've always thought that capitalizing just one word or so was just emphasis, not really yelling.


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Me, too.

Likewise, but it seems that Cass does not agree.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #46 on: November 13, 2014, 12:34:33 PM »

Lynn2000

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #47 on: November 13, 2014, 12:48:02 PM »
I get that it's irritating to be told what you "have" to do in situations like the OP's--that kind of thing always gets my back up, and makes me want to do the exact opposite thing, no matter the consequences. Which is really mature. ::)

But I think the important thing to remember is, what other people say you "have" to do has no bearing on reality. Let them yammer on about the flowers you have to have and the program you have to have and the attendants you have to have until they're blue in the face, if you want. It does not have to make any difference at all in what you actually do, unless you allow it to.

So you can treat it like they're talking about their own fantasy, or you can act like they're volunteering to provide the "necessary" item, or lots of other things that have been suggested in this thread. I think it would be rude to promise them you'll do something, when you have no intention of doing it; and pointless, possibly rude, to get into an argument about it with them, trying to justify your own choices. So long as you avoid those two things, you're good.
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phred246

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #48 on: November 14, 2014, 03:51:37 AM »
     The only thing that D and I were told to do for our wedding was when my mother called me up one night and informed me that since she was paying for the rehearsal dinner, she would tell me who I would invite from our side. I went along with that, primarily because D an I had not even thought about having one! We ended up with fourteen from my side, and only six from hers! Then I had fun arranging it, as the catering person at the hotel quit the week before I had to sign the paperwork, and the hotel had to use my copy to redo everything!

     Mom did get one comment in...she was not happy that we hadn't chosen fancy China and silverware  patterns in addition to everyday dish and utensil patterns, even when we told her that would mean we would then have four sets of dishes and utensils in the condo!

     One minor detail we missed...we never got the signed marriage license notarized by the city, until D needed it to prove her ID for a photo drivers license. We now have three notarized copies, and I still tell her that we spent seventeen years living in Sin!
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guihong

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #49 on: November 14, 2014, 07:54:51 PM »
Back when I was planning my wedding, I gave in to the "musts" from my in-laws (my Dad wrote a check and showed up, staying completely out of things).  First, given that I was no pure young bride, I suggested wearing a cream or ivory suit that could go anywhere.  Oh no!  I allowed myself to be talked into the Lady Diana Dress, which was lovely on the hanger, not so much on me.  Same with a big veil. 

Then my MIL wanted to know how we were doing the bridal table at the reception.  She was scandalized when I said I just wanted to sit among our guests, not up on display like an exhibit.  That way, our attendants could go sit with their significant others.  Oh no!  MIL, who admits she can be pushy, had her way.

My BIL wanted to know what we were doing about tuxes.  When I was still thinking cream suit, I told him we weren't doing that; just wear a nice suit.  They'll know who you are.  This time it was him who said the Oh no!.  Even DH got into the act; he was scandalized when I tried to say no to him wearing a white tux to stand out (this was a 11AM, fairly casual wedding).  That was a "must", he said.  I told him it would be obvious to everyone in the church which guy was the groom.  I lost that battle as well, and was kind of meanly glad when my fear was fulfilled and he looked like an ice cream man.

I think I gave in because my opinions weren't that firm, I didn't have any family or "allies" to advocate for me, plus DH was the oldest son and that seemed to have a lot of significance wedding-wise.  His youngest brother of the tux argument got married a few years later, and it was much smaller a production (but his bride's family ran the show).  I just went with a "choose your battle" mindset.

Today, with years of Ehell behind me, I might have held my ground a lot more.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2014, 08:01:19 PM by guihong »



gellchom

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #50 on: December 09, 2014, 04:42:04 PM »
I think really what this comes down to is whether you want to get your back up about it and have a confrontation or not.  I am with EllenS, Toots, and Lynn2000 --  usually the "must" really means "This works really well/looked beautiful in my experience."  So you can take it as that and just listen, ask them about their experience, or say "We'll have to look into that!" or even "Great!  We'll do that!" (and then do as you please, of course).

In fact, if you answer, "Oh, no, we do not 'have to' do X," I bet the person would say, "Well, come on, I didn't mean you literally have to, I'm just telling you it worked really great at Petunia's wedding" and so forth. 

"Have to" and "must" are, I agree, unfortunate, inartful phrasing.  But that's all.  There is no need to interpret them as commands unless you are spoiling for a fight.

I'm talking here about the kind of details that have been discussed in this string -- numbers of bridesmaids, programs, flowers, etc. -- not things that have deep emotional or religious loads, like seating enemies separately, wearing appropriate clothing for a house of worship, excluding a close relative from a large wedding, and of course thank you notes! -- or reasonable requests from parents, especially if they are hosting -- I'm also not talking about etiquette "musts" such as "You must invite both spouses" and "You must treat your guests equally; no B lists."

When someone tells you that you "must" have an ice sculpture or monogrammed napkins, though, ask yourself if what you are really worrying about is having your wedding your way, or winning an unnecessary argument and proving no one can tell you what you "have to" do.