Bachelorettes....who pays for weekend long events?

[Twik]

And I think it's ridiculous to call other people's idea of a fun time ridiculous.

If the people involved want to spend a weekend away or travel on private jets to Paris or spend the weekend watching movies in their PJ's that is great for them.

Some people really like the idea of spending a girls weekend away and are Ok spending money on that.

That said, no-one should be pressured to ever spend more money than they are comfortable spending. And bachorelette parties are generally pay your own way. But there is nothing rude about inquiring on costs/plans and whether people plan to cover the bride. (If I wasn't covering the bride, I would still buy her a couple drinks or pay for nails or a dinner or something)

The problem is, if you're not the Kardashians, it *is* ridiculous to announce that your friends have to pay for an expensive mini-vacation, without any input beforehand. Most people do not have the money to be able to do that easily. And to say that there will be "no pressure" to attend, even at great financial cost, is unrealistic. Any decent wedding party member will likely go through a lot of soul-searching before they can bring themselves to say, "Sorry, I won't be there," and most brides would be devastated to find out that they're the only person showing up for their own bachelorette, because everyone else found it too expensive.

I think a rule of thumb should be, if it's not something you would feel comfortable asking your friends to pay for just as a fun weekend for no particular reason, you shouldn't expect them to pay for it for your bachelorette. Some people may have the funds to fly to a foreign country/other city whenever they feel like it. Others may find a spa day leaves them eating ramen for a month. Its up to the hosts to judge what is likely to be within the means of their guests, and not get blinded by thinking "Oh, they'll be quite happy to make a few financial sacrifices for MY DAY!"

[lowspark]

OP the person she needs to be asking is the MOH who is planning this, not you.  I mean you can go away for a weekend for $50, $500, or $5000. 


I think an email to the MOH and cc'ing the rest of the bridesmaids is the way to go.  There is nothing wrong with asking for clarification in things like this.  I would send the following email.  Bear in mind, I like to be short and succint, some would say abrupt   I'm sure the other e-hellions can sand off the rough edges of the email 


Hi MOH,

How are you?  I just wanted to get some clarification about the bachelorette party you are planning in [other city].  I'm trying to get an idea of how much this is going to cost and realized I must have missed the emails with the details of the weekend. 

From what I understand the rough agenda is:
Stay at [hotel] for 2 nights (are we sharing or do we have separate rooms?)
go out to dinner 2 nights?
Spa day on [day]

Am I missing anything agenda-wise?

Would you please send me the details about the per person costs for everything? Also, will we be expected to cover a portion of [bride's] cost as well?  If so, what is that percentage?

Thanks for all of the hard work you've put into planning this,

Sister

I agree that the thing to do is just ask, in effect, How much is all this gonna cost?

Taking PastryGodess's letter, I'd simplify it.

Hi MOH,

How are you?  I need to get some clarification about the bachelorette party you are planning in [other city]. Would you please send me an estimate of the total amount each person will need to spend for the entire weekend and the details about exactly what that will include?

Also, will we be expected to cover a portion of [bride's] cost as well?  If so, what is that percentage?

Thanks for all of the hard work you've put into planning this,

Sister

[Sharnita]

I think when planning it is best to ask people what they want and can do. If two people have their heart set on an expensive weekend trip but nobody else wants or can afford it, that isn't really a bachelorette. It is just an expensive weekend trip for two.

[sammycat]

The problem is, if you're not the Kardashians, it *is* ridiculous to announce that your friends have to pay for an expensive mini-vacation, without any input beforehand. Most people do not have the money to be able to do that easily. And to say that there will be "no pressure" to attend, even at great financial cost, is unrealistic. Any decent wedding party member will likely go through a lot of soul-searching before they can bring themselves to say, "Sorry, I won't be there," and most brides would be devastated to find out that they're the only person showing up for their own bachelorette, because everyone else found it too expensive.

I think a rule of thumb should be, if it's not something you would feel comfortable asking your friends to pay for just as a fun weekend for no particular reason, you shouldn't expect them to pay for it for your bachelorette. Some people may have the funds to fly to a foreign country/other city whenever they feel like it. Others may find a spa day leaves them eating ramen for a month. Its up to the hosts to judge what is likely to be within the means of their guests, and not get blinded by thinking "Oh, they'll be quite happy to make a few financial sacrifices for MY DAY!"

Well stated.

I'm so glad no one in my social or family group expects others to fork out hundreds or thousands of dollars for events honouring them.

[z_squared82]

It’s only 100 miles away. In the States, that’s a two hour drive max (unless it’s all backroads). If she’s not sure that she wants to go due to the hotel costs, maybe she could just drive down for one day? Go to the spa, go for a meal, go home? Four hours of driving is a lot but it’s cheap than two nights in a hotel.

I hosted my SIL’s bachelorette party, as I was the only bridesmaid in town (her sister, the matron of honor was still at her husband’s army base). We went bowling. I paid for all of the food and my and SIL’s games, the guests got their own drinks and their own games. I know I put the cost of games and shoes in the invitation. And people generally took turns buying SIL drinks. Everyone had a clear understanding of the costs and could budget or decline accordingly.

I have no idea what I would do for an out-of-town bachelorette party, which is one of the reasons I would never plan one and would probably decline to go on one.

[jmarvellous]

I vote for declining to attend or choosing to visit for just one day or evening out of the weekend. It sounds like a LOT of time to spend with anyone,  and a lot of un-budgeted expense!

For the one wedding I was in, our day long "bachelorette," planned by the MOH, worked out to more than $400 per person: nice brunch, fancy manicure/pedicure, snacks, limo, bowling, karaoke, more limo, boat party (with the male guests, hence the quotes around "bachelorette" -- it turned into "watch bride and groom dance") into the night, more limo. I was basically miserable (because I knew I couldn't afford it) upon hearing the grand plans, and said I couldn't cone. The bride begged me to, and OK'd me contributing as I was able. I declined to contribute to anything I didn't personally elect to buy or use  -- and my nails and food were still more than $100!

For our wedding,  which was way lower budget,  we just went out 2 nights before with our family members of drinking age. We were home before midnight,  and everyone paid their own tab, or maybe SIL bought one round. Now that I'm an "old, married woman," I intend to beg off any extreme or extended bachelorette festivities.

[Lynn2000]

While I don't think a weekend bachelorette event is inherently rude, in this case the MOH and the bride erred by getting their hearts set on something without consulting the other invitees, especially if they're expecting people to pay their own way. Even if the bride's wealthy aunt was going to pick up the entire tab or something, it's still a big time commitment and the activities might not be to everyone's taste. So, there should definitely have been discussion about the plans first, with a consensus reached by all the bridesmaids and the bride.

If MG wants to decline, as the other bridesmaid did, I think she's perfectly fine to do so. Fine etiquette-wise, anyway; I can see the MOH and the bride being really disappointed, and even though it's their own fault, the friendship could potentially go downhill.

If MG is more inclined to go, there's no reason she has to be blind to the costs and itinerary. I would email the MOH back and say, "Hey, sounds like fun, but I need a better idea of the plans to see if it's in my budget. How are we handling transportation there and back, and around town? What's the cost of the hotel room, and are we to share or get our own? What are you thinking for meals each day? What other activities will we be doing, and how much should we expect them to cost? Finally, are we expected to kick in anything for Bride, and if so, how much?" It's a lot of questions, but the MOH should have answers to all of them, and should in fact have told them to everyone already. Also, keep in mind that some costs may change if other bridesmaids drop out--a hotel room split four ways may drop to being split only two ways, for example.

If the MOH doesn't answer satisfactorily, or the number is too high for MG, I think she should decline cheerfully. "Sorry, that's not in my budget right now. I hope you guys have a great time and I look forward to seeing pictures when you get back!"

[daisy1679]

And I think it's ridiculous to call other people's idea of a fun time ridiculous.

If the people involved want to spend a weekend away or travel on private jets to Paris or spend the weekend watching movies in their PJ's that is great for them.

Some people really like the idea of spending a girls weekend away and are Ok spending money on that.

That said, no-one should be pressured to ever spend more money than they are comfortable spending. And bachorelette parties are generally pay your own way. But there is nothing rude about inquiring on costs/plans and whether people plan to cover the bride. (If I wasn't covering the bride, I would still buy her a couple drinks or pay for nails or a dinner or something)

The problem is, if you're not the Kardashians, it *is* ridiculous to announce that your friends have to pay for an expensive mini-vacation, without any input beforehand. Most people do not have the money to be able to do that easily. And to say that there will be "no pressure" to attend, even at great financial cost, is unrealistic. Any decent wedding party member will likely go through a lot of soul-searching before they can bring themselves to say, "Sorry, I won't be there," and most brides would be devastated to find out that they're the only person showing up for their own bachelorette, because everyone else found it too expensive.

I think a rule of thumb should be, if it's not something you would feel comfortable asking your friends to pay for just as a fun weekend for no particular reason, you shouldn't expect them to pay for it for your bachelorette. Some people may have the funds to fly to a foreign country/other city whenever they feel like it. Others may find a spa day leaves them eating ramen for a month. Its up to the hosts to judge what is likely to be within the means of their guests, and not get blinded by thinking "Oh, they'll be quite happy to make a few financial sacrifices for MY DAY!"

But you're assuming that that weekend away is expensive. We went to another city for my bachelorette, got a hotel room, had dinner and did some clubbing. It didn't cost that much more than staying in our town would have. With the exchange rate (we went to Windsor, lived near Detroit), we probably spent the same for our overnighter as we would have staying in town. And two of my bridesmaids didn't attend (one lived in Germany, the other several hours away and couldn't make it down) and were never given any pressure to make it. We also did the same thing the next year when a friend of mine got married. Again, no one was under any pressure (I was a BM for her, she was one of mine), and no one spent a lot. I probably spent around $100(US), including hotel, gas, dinner and drinks.

Frankly, the cost for these events vary so wildly based on where you are and what you are doing that I don't think we can say that they are even expecting MG to spend a fortune on this weekend. I'd be willing to bet some bride's "stay-at-home" bachelorette parties cost more than some "weekend away" parties.

[Carotte]

I think the biggest issue with (potentially expensive) full week-end extravaganza is when it's sprung on the guests (invitees, attendees?), regardless of cost there's also time commitment.

3 days over sea with clubbing and open bar and limos and whatnot can seem a ridiculous amount of money for a bachelorrette party, but maybe everyone in the group had been planning on going there/doing that for a few year and one of them said "hey, how about we also include/celebrate the bachelorette!".

But back on tracks, I loathe not knowing the specific plan/how much it will cost and having something sprung on me.
"I'd like to have more information concerning the budget and activities before I can commit" is more than an OK thing to ask IMO.

[Mikayla]

OP here.  I haven't heard any further updates since MG texted me and said she'd let me know what happens next.

It's been helpful reading through this, because it's clear there isn't much in the way of guidelines on who pays what (the way there are in a night out on the town).  So it seems almost nothing is *wrong* in terms of responses to the MOH, whether the bridesmaid gives her budget or tells the MOH she needs to get specific. 

Obviously, the MOH jumped the gun in planning all this without checking first.   But at the moment I'm just waiting to hear more.

ETA:  I hadn't seen the comments about popping in for part of it.  I think that's a great idea, and might even help with the CK mess (CK is MGs good friend who texted back she couldn't do it). 

[Outdoor Girl]

Maybe MG and CK could opt out of the whole weekend extravaganza but share the drive over on the day of and join them for dinner or the mani/pedi or whatever part they can afford and then drive themselves back.  If MG has a little more cash than CK, use her car and her gas.  But if they're about the same, split the gas costs.

[cicero]

OP here.  I haven't heard any further updates since MG texted me and said she'd let me know what happens next.

It's been helpful reading through this, because it's clear there isn't much in the way of guidelines on who pays what (the way there are in a night out on the town).  So it seems almost nothing is *wrong* in terms of responses to the MOH, whether the bridesmaid gives her budget or tells the MOH she needs to get specific. 

Obviously, the MOH jumped the gun in planning all this without checking first.   But at the moment I'm just waiting to hear more.

ETA:  I hadn't seen the comments about popping in for part of it.  I think that's a great idea, and might even help with the CK mess (CK is MGs good friend who texted back she couldn't do it).

i agree, there is no right or wrong, and there are many cultural/regional/social differences - but i do think that the MOH should have itemized/guesstimated the costs, and not just thrown out *a general idea* as a fait accompli

[Lynda_34]

No matter what the event, I've learned my lesson and always ask for upfront costs.
 
I attended a retirement party for someone and kept asking the cost and was told it's all set don't worry.  I expected it to cost about $30-35.  After the party when they totaled up the costs I had to pay $50.

I was very annoyed and my MO since then has been if there is a party and I don't know the cost up front, I'll stop in buy myself a drink, say hi to everyone and leave.

My advice is always always get the upfront costs and stick to them.  You know what your budget is and you have to live with it.

[Mikayla]

Mini UPDATE:  Well, I didn't see this one coming.

Apparently, the MOH is the one who came up with this idea.  She offered it to the bride and then said that her wedding present would be to cover all the bride's expenses on this weekend adventure.  The bride accepted and they made up an invite list of about 20 people.   The MOH sent the email.  When she got that text from CK, she thought it was quite rude. 

At least several of the invitees contacted the bride, not the MOH.  The bride was horrified that it had gone out like this.  She called MG (my stepsis) and asked what she thought.  MG told her the costs should have been explained better, including the part about them not having to cover the bride's expenses.  Then she passed on some of the ideas here, especially the one day version idea.   She also told the bride she wasn't sure she could be part of any of this.  (She didn't say why, but it was mainly connected with CK not being there.  She doesn't know any of the others  too well, except the bride).

So...the plan has been scrapped.  The bride is pretty PO'd at the MOH, the MOH is PO'd at the bride for not appreciating her generous offer, and a couple of the invitees are PO'd because they thought it sounded like fun.  I'm not sure if they're creating a separate one or just giving up altogether, but if something does get pulled together, the MOH has said she'll attend but not organize it.

I'd guess the MOH is the culprit here, but I can't picture myself as the bride, accepting a weekend bachelorette and not at least inquiring about costs for others.  It also sounds like she never even asked if the MOH had gotten feedback from others. 

[Sharnita]

I don't think there was anything wrong with CK's response.  MOH and the Bride planned what sounds like a fairly pricey weekend without asking others for a budget or suggestions. CK was honest about the plan bbeing cost prohibitive but she didn't demand a change  in plans or throw a tantrum.