Author Topic: Getting a ride  (Read 3599 times)

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green.and.blue

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Getting a ride
« on: January 26, 2014, 08:01:32 PM »
Back in the fall, I joined an activity group. Not a bowling league, but let's go with that. I mentioned it to a coworker, Melissa, and she joined, too. Since she drives right past my place to get there, she always picks me up. I've offered to drive sometimes, but she strongly prefers to drive because of carsickness. Friday night was a friends-and-family night for the league, with a house party after. I was really looking forward to the party since we're still new in town, and Melissa picked me up as usual.

Half way through the night, Melissa introduces me to her mom, who has just arrived from out of town. In front of her mom she says to me "Now of course you're welcome to join us for dinner after (though by her tone I wasn't really!), or I can take you home first, whatever you want," but follows up with "Except your DH is coming later, right?" Well, no he wasn't. He'd had to work for most of the night and had thought about coming, but was under the weather and had decided to just go home. By this point of the festivities, he was already in bed, if not asleep.

I asked (I hope politely!) when her mom had decided to come - well, about a week ago, though Melissa hadn't told me. I got the impression that she really didn't expect her mom to come all that way and had just figured that things would work themselves out. I ended up telling her to just go with her mom at the end of the night, planning to walk home, but was offered a ride to the party by another league member. I went, and had a nice time.

Now, I didn't address anything directly with Melissa, and I'm not sure if I should. But I'm frustrated that she hadn't said anything to me ahead of time - I could have driven myself, after all. Advice for what to say at work tomorrow?

bloo

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2014, 08:34:20 PM »
That was frustrating. But, personally, I wouldn't say anything about it. I'd just mentally make a note for the future that if there are special plans attached to a particular evening's activity that I'd make sure to have a conversation of what I'd like to do so that she can know that you'll drive yourself if her plans will be different. This puts her on notice of what you want so she can make plans accordingly.

And this is why I prefer to take my own car to things, even if it's convenient to get a ride from someone else. I will accept an offer of a ride if it doesn't conflict with what I want to do/leave. But I'd have to know that in advance. Which is why it's a good idea to have a conversation of what your desires/plans are. Had you and Melissa already had a dynamic where you each discussed the special activity and anything surrounding it, then she might have mentioned her mom possibly coming and then you could have determined to take your own car that week to have more autonomy over how your evening would proceed.

In short - say nothing, but have conversations about what you/she wants on a regular basis.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2014, 10:12:43 PM »
I think I would just say something like, 'Hey Melissa?  Could you let me know in the future if your plans have the potential to change for activity?  I'm happy to drive myself if you have something going on so you don't have to worry about dropping me off or anything.'

I understand her desire to drive due to carsickness, since I'm the same way.  But I would never change plans without letting my passenger know ahead of time, even if the plans were tentative.  I'd have said something the day before or the day of along the lines of, 'green.and.blue, my Mom is potentially coming into to town at some point during the evening.  It isn't a for sure thing but I'd still be happy to drive and if she does show up, I can drop you back off at your place so you can meet up with DH.'  Giving you a chance to say, 'DH is working late and will be late getting there so I think I'll just drive myself.  Thanks for the heads up.'
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Ontario

cicero

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2014, 11:54:24 PM »
What bloo said. I wouldn't say anything. And since I assume it's not that far from your home ( based on your statement that you would have walked home), I would opt to bring your own car from now on.

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gmatoy

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2014, 01:26:25 AM »
What bloo said. I wouldn't say anything. And since I assume it's not that far from your home ( based on your statement that you would have walked home), I would opt to bring your own car from now on.

I would not assume that it was close just because she would have walked home. If it is under 5 miles I can and do walk it, but I do not necessarily think it is close.   ;D

green.and.blue

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2014, 07:07:12 AM »
Thanks for the advice. I might try to use the phrase Outdoor girl suggested. As a say, we're new in town, and I worry about rocking the boat.

For a little more info, bloo, we had talked about going to the party at work the day before and Melissa had told me what she planned to bring. Then we had stopped at a convenience store for Melissa to grab a quick dinner on the way. I grabbed a bag of chips saying, "I think I'll bring these to the party, too," to which she responded, "Good idea."

And gmatoy is right - while I could have walked, it would have taken about an hour to get home from the party location.

Margo

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2014, 07:11:22 AM »
It sounds as though she hadn't thought through that you might want to go on to the party as well as the actual club - she was still happy to take you home after the club meeting itself, as usual? Had you and she spoken at all about whether you would be going on to the party, or had you simply assumed that you'd both go?

I think if you had had previous conversations about going to the party it would be reasonable to speak to her and ask if she could, in future, let you know before the event if she changes her mind, and to explain that you are more than happy to drive yourself, but that you need to know.

If you had not previously discussed or agreed on arrangements for the party then I think you're both equally at fault for not having checked with the other whether / how long you were each likely to want to go to the party, and it would be reasonable not to say anything and to just make sure , next time there is an event after the normal club meeting that you speak to her ahead of time and make firm arrangements or alternatively, that you let her know that you won't need a lift on that evening so you can each stay as long or short a time as you wish.


Margo

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2014, 07:12:53 AM »
PS - looks as though you posted while I was typing - I see you had discussed it - so yeh, she was rude to change the plans when it was too late for you to make alternative arrangements, and I don't think it would out of line to mention to her that it left you up in the air and that it wuld be better if she could let you know before picking you up, another time.

Roe

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2014, 07:55:54 AM »
I wouldn't say anything but I'd be sure to take my car from now on.

4children

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2014, 08:51:23 AM »
If all else is well between the two of you then I wouldn't say anything. It seems like a simple misunderstanding.  She didn't tell you about her mother and you didn't tell her your husband was ill. Hindsight is 20/20 but had you told her about your husband she could have dropped you off to retrieve your own car.

jaxsue

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2014, 12:51:39 PM »
I wouldn't say anything but I'd be sure to take my car from now on.

This. I admit, my opinion is colored by the fact that I prefer driving my own car to pretty much every event I attend.

lowspark

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2014, 02:34:59 PM »
I wouldn't say anything but I'd be sure to take my car from now on.

POD. I wouldn't say anything. I'd chalk this one up to "learn from experience". I think confronting her is just going to make for an uncomfortable conversation and it's not going to solve anything since this has already happened.

Personally, I'd just take my own car from now on. Or at least I'd just make sure to take my own car whenever there was an event before or after.

I probably would have done that anyway because I hate having to leave a party before I'm ready because my ride is leaving, or vice versa, be stuck at a party I'm not having a great time at because my ride is not ready to leave.

shortstuff

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2014, 05:58:25 PM »
I think I would just say something like, 'Hey Melissa?  Could you let me know in the future if your plans have the potential to change for activity?  I'm happy to drive myself if you have something going on so you don't have to worry about dropping me off or anything.'

I understand her desire to drive due to carsickness, since I'm the same way.  But I would never change plans without letting my passenger know ahead of time, even if the plans were tentative.  I'd have said something the day before or the day of along the lines of, 'green.and.blue, my Mom is potentially coming into to town at some point during the evening.  It isn't a for sure thing but I'd still be happy to drive and if she does show up, I can drop you back off at your place so you can meet up with DH.'  Giving you a chance to say, 'DH is working late and will be late getting there so I think I'll just drive myself.  Thanks for the heads up.'

This is what I would do.  It almost doesn't matter that there was a party later that night, the pattern is she drops you off after bowling on her way home.  Plans came up with her mom, which is fine, but it changed the way the carpooling worked.  I think a light and friendly, "Hey, hope dinner with your mom was fun, glad you got to see her.  Do me a favor in the future?  Just give me a heads up when your plans change, I'd hate to make you late for dinner by you having to drop me off home," would be ok.  It sounds like you trying to do her the favor and not interfere with her plans, and you're not trying to control the plans. 

Because if you keep doing the carpooling, she might change her plans last minute again, assuming you'll be ok to fend for yourself again. 

green.and.blue

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2014, 06:51:21 AM »
Thanks everybody. I decided not to say anything to her, but I'm also going to be pulling back from carpooling, particularly for special events.

Tuesday night we had a work event which kept us late, so we grabbed a quick bite together before going to bowling instead of going home, so we both had our cars. She just didn't pack up to go! I actually paid my bill, then said I would met her there, and she ended up almost 10 minutes late for our league meeting. Now, we've never shown up late for the games, but I do not like being late for anything, so... more driving for me, I think.

shhh its me

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Re: Getting a ride
« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2014, 07:28:38 AM »
   Since she offered to take you home to were your car was , I don't think she was terribly rude (her mom didn't ride with you to event, correct mom came on her own after?) She ofter to "make you whole" /put you in the same situation you would have been in if you didn't ride with her albeit a few minutes later.