Author Topic: I know this is for women only, but I'm going to conspicuously hang around anyway  (Read 9756 times)

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Eeep!

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The thing with this rule is that it requires the compliance of people outside the group. Amy's husband is not part of the game group, but he is being expected to abide by its rules, in his own home.

So I would say that the husband was not actually being  rude - he was interacting with people in his own home, and using his own household resources. It's perfectly within his rights and etiquette to not be okay with spending an evening hiding in the bedroom, away from the kitchen and computer, because his wife's friends want him to hide. If anything, the guests are being rude to object to the presence of and interaction with one of their hosts.

In this case it's up to *Amy*, who *is* a member of the group, to either come to an agreement with her husband, or to tell the rest of the group "Hey guys, my husband really doesn't like being kicked out of the house while we play, so we can either play with him around, or we can have someone else host."

The bolded, I think is why our opinions are going to never be the same. Because, I personally don't consider the husband a host in this instance. Yes, it's his home, but I just don't consider him a true host.  To use my previous example, if my husband has bandmates over to record, I don't consider them MY guests. They are my husband's.  They should be polite to me, of course, because they are in my home. But I don't expect them to include me in their conversations with my husband, and likewise, I don't feel responsible to ensure that they are comfortable, have appropriate beverages, etc. (Now I might ask about that kind of stuff because that's kind of how I am - but I really do think it is really my husband's "duty".)  I think it would be absolutely bizarre for me to sit down in the middle of their recording session and start making my own comments about what they are doing, interjecting into their conversation, etc. Which is what it sounds like the husband was essentially doing. (In fact - the "ladies night" bit is, I think, a bit of a red herring because to me this would apply to any situation where one SO is involved in a group when the other isn't, be it a book club, gaming, etc.)

Likewise, My husband often had band practice at our house. I would be watching TV in the living room (which was off the kitchen).  Sometime the guys might wander out to the kitchen and to get water or something and I would say hi. But I wouldn't go back and hang out in my husband's studio room. I get that the Bunco game takes up more of the house so is a bit more of an extreme situation, but I still don't think that the husband is required to be treated like a "host".
Edited to add: I also wouldn't have cared if said guy walked into the kitchen to get water and didn't say anything to me.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2014, 07:37:54 PM by Eeep! »
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bloo

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In this case it's up to *Amy*, who *is* a member of the group, to either come to an agreement with her husband, or to tell the rest of the group "Hey guys, my husband really doesn't like being kicked out of the house while we play, so we can either play with him around, or we can have someone else host."

It sounds like that is not an option. OP has made it clear that those participating must take a turn as host and other family members aren't to 'hang' out with the players. It's not a fit. So Amy needs to get DH on board or remove herself from the group.

DavidH

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I think it's key to separate Amy's husband from the idea of no spouses or else you risk coming across as not liking him vs wanting a girls night.  One way to do that is to say while we'd like to spend more time with you as a couple, for Bunco night, it is really meant to be girls only.  Even if you don't want to spend time as a couple, putting that out there will help make it more about girls night and less about him.  You do run the risk of having a couples night at another, unspecified time, but that can be handled by having a very full calendar.

Kaymar

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My experience with girls nights is exactly the opposite of yours, mrspallaton. When I host a girls night my husband may it may not be home. If he is, he is likely to poke his head into the room to say hello to my friends, perhaps a minute or two of small talk. And then he goes and does his own thing. Same thing for my friends' SOs. I have never had it happen where an SO inserts himself into girls night in the way Amy's DH did. I find it quite rude, especially because he and Amy knew the rules if the bunco group.

Yes, exactly.  I have a book group with girlfriends from law school - my fiance will greet everyone as they arrive and chat for a moment or two, and then he goes about his business, whether in another part of our home or elsewhere.  Their spouses do the same.  This is totally normal and expected.

Teenyweeny

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The bolded, I think is why our opinions are going to never be the same. Because, I personally don't consider the husband a host in this instance. Yes, it's his home, but I just don't consider him a true host.  To use my previous example, if my husband has bandmates over to record, I don't consider them MY guests. They are my husband's.  They should be polite to me, of course, because they are in my home. But I don't expect them to include me in their conversations with my husband, and likewise, I don't feel responsible to ensure that they are comfortable, have appropriate beverages, etc. (Now I might ask about that kind of stuff because that's kind of how I am - but I really do think it is really my husband's "duty".)  I think it would be absolutely bizarre for me to sit down in the middle of their recording session and start making my own comments about what they are doing, interjecting into their conversation, etc. Which is what it sounds like the husband was essentially doing. (In fact - the "ladies night" bit is, I think, a bit of a red herring because to me this would apply to any situation where one SO is involved in a group when the other isn't, be it a book club, gaming, etc.)


That's exactly how I feel. You don't become the host simply by virtue of being resident in the home. If that were true, I'd have been very rude to some of my housemates' guests over the years. Sometimes, only one half of a couple 'hosts'.



gellchom

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Do those of you who think that Mr. Amy is a "host" because it is his house think that he should be greeting each guest as she arrives, talking to each of them, making sure their glasses are full all evening, and so forth?  Was this host rude by NOT staying with them through the whole evening, doing work, leaving the room to watch tv or read, and eating a meal that was not being served to everyone?

TootsNYC

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When my DD had friends over for a birthday party, I didn't consider myself part of the gathering.

In a way, I was the host--I handled RSVPs for the invite; I bought the food.

But it wasn't a gathering for me, and other than sticking my head in to say "dinner's ready" or running the games at my DD's request, I wasn't part of the festivities.

If my teenage son has his friends over, the soda he serves them is paid for by my money. It's my house. I'm not hosting.
   It's possible that "we" are hosting (he and I together), but if so, my role is subordinate to his.

Like Eeep!, I might easily offer refreshments, etc., to my husband's or my children's guests, but that because I am Husband's & Children's Support Staff in all things (the form of that support varies based on the situation, of course). I'm junior; I'm in a supporting role.

When my friend came over to sew, my DH ignored us for the most part. When his friends came over to play games, I did the same.

Yvaine

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The bolded, I think is why our opinions are going to never be the same. Because, I personally don't consider the husband a host in this instance. Yes, it's his home, but I just don't consider him a true host.  To use my previous example, if my husband has bandmates over to record, I don't consider them MY guests. They are my husband's.  They should be polite to me, of course, because they are in my home. But I don't expect them to include me in their conversations with my husband, and likewise, I don't feel responsible to ensure that they are comfortable, have appropriate beverages, etc. (Now I might ask about that kind of stuff because that's kind of how I am - but I really do think it is really my husband's "duty".)  I think it would be absolutely bizarre for me to sit down in the middle of their recording session and start making my own comments about what they are doing, interjecting into their conversation, etc. Which is what it sounds like the husband was essentially doing. (In fact - the "ladies night" bit is, I think, a bit of a red herring because to me this would apply to any situation where one SO is involved in a group when the other isn't, be it a book club, gaming, etc.)


That's exactly how I feel. You don't become the host simply by virtue of being resident in the home. If that were true, I'd have been very rude to some of my housemates' guests over the years. Sometimes, only one half of a couple 'hosts'.

Me too.

gramma dishes

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OP ~~  Have you talked about this with any of the other ten members of the group?  Do all of them feel the same way you do, or did some of them not even really notice (or at least not really care about) Mr. Amy's presence?

Hmmmmm

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When my DD had friends over for a birthday party, I didn't consider myself part of the gathering.

In a way, I was the host--I handled RSVPs for the invite; I bought the food.

But it wasn't a gathering for me, and other than sticking my head in to say "dinner's ready" or running the games at my DD's request, I wasn't part of the festivities.

If my teenage son has his friends over, the soda he serves them is paid for by my money. It's my house. I'm not hosting.
   It's possible that "we" are hosting (he and I together), but if so, my role is subordinate to his.

Like Eeep!, I might easily offer refreshments, etc., to my husband's or my children's guests, but that because I am Husband's & Children's Support Staff in all things (the form of that support varies based on the situation, of course). I'm junior; I'm in a supporting role.

When my friend came over to sew, my DH ignored us for the most part. When his friends came over to play games, I did the same.

This is the way I feel. While we all co-habitat quiet nicely in our home, I fully expect that my kids and my husband have the right to host guests of their own without other members of the family intruding.

-DD had sleep overs and my son was (oh, no, should I admit it, well it's the truth) banished from the family room and not allowed to hang out with the girls.
-My DS had swim parties and DD wasn't allowed to go out and harass them.
-I have a friend over and sit out on the deck drinking a glass of wine and my teens are banished to the house and to let us visit in private.
-DD used to have poker night and all 3 of us disappeared for the evening till it was time to put the kids to bed and we'd come back, say hello to everyone, kids went to sleep, I'd go back in to say good night to everyone and "hide out" in my bedroom.
-My DD or my DS had movie marathon evenings and DH and I would banish ourselves upstairs to our bedroom to give them some privacy only going down occasionally to "grab a drink" and check up that nothing was going on that shouldn't be.
-I used to host annually a neighborhood girls night as part of the rotation. My family happily disappeared from 7 to 10pm.

Just because people are in your home doesn't mean you are hosting them. Other members of your family can be the only hosts.

The fact this guy 
Quote
made the announcement that although he knew this was supposed to be women only, he had no intention of disappearing
definitely implies he is a completely clueless twit or trying throw his weight around. And the only reason why he would know it was supposed to be women would be through Amy so you know they had a conversation about it at sometime.

Onyx_TKD

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The thing with this rule is that it requires the compliance of people outside the group. Amy's husband is not part of the game group, but he is being expected to abide by its rules, in his own home.

So I would say that the husband was not actually being  rude - he was interacting with people in his own home, and using his own household resources. It's perfectly within his rights and etiquette to not be okay with spending an evening hiding in the bedroom, away from the kitchen and computer, because his wife's friends want him to hide. If anything, the guests are being rude to object to the presence of and interaction with one of their hosts.

In this case it's up to *Amy*, who *is* a member of the group, to either come to an agreement with her husband, or to tell the rest of the group "Hey guys, my husband really doesn't like being kicked out of the house while we play, so we can either play with him around, or we can have someone else host."

I agree that Amy is the one who needs to negotiate with her husband and with the group. I think there are two separate issues here.
1) Amy and her husband need to reach a mutual agreement on whether one of them can host an event in their home without the other participating. This is a relationship issue between Amy and Mr. Amy, and should not involve the rest of the bunco group.

2) If Amy wants to remain in the group, she needs to fulfill her obligation of hosting one night a year without her husband (or anyone else) intruding on the group. This is an issue between Amy and the rest of the bunco group, that should not involve Mr. Amy. If she and Mr. Amy are unwilling to have a husband-free event in their home, then she can ask the group if it's ok to have him around, find an alternative location to host on her turn, try to negotiate a different contribution to the group in lieu of hosting, or leave the group.

OP, how are decisions made in the group and is there any official list of rules for the group? If you need exactly 12 people, then I assume there must be some process for deciding who to bring in, etc. How do you decide? Does one member make a suggestion and the whole group votes? Is there someone in charge who makes executive decisions for the group? Whatever the process is, you might need to raise the question of what is required for hosting and set a list of rules. If it's a group discussion, then Amy will have the opportunity to argue for the setup she wants. However, if the majority wants a husband-free event, then that will be made explicit and she'll have to either comply or leave.

Peppergirl

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Just parking my POD on rude, unbelievably so.

I'm actually shocked that there would even be a question about it.  :o

Men and women have made themselves scarce for decades when the other is having guys/girls night, at least my social circle, friends, acquaintances, etc. Heck, even my parents and late grand parents did so, too....and I'm no spring chicken.

I simply can't wrap my mind around this. 


siamesecat2965

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Just parking my POD on rude, unbelievably so.

I'm actually shocked that there would even be a question about it.  :o

Men and women have made themselves scarce for decades when the other is having guys/girls night, at least my social circle, friends, acquaintances, etc. Heck, even my parents and late grand parents did so, too....and I'm no spring chicken.

I simply can't wrap my mind around this.

pOD as well. My parents used to play bridge; men's and ladies groups, and couples. Every group took turns hosting and if mom had her ladies group, dad and I would say hello, grab some munchies and make ourselves scarce. If it were the couples group; depending on how old I was, I'd stay in my room or be out babysitting or with friends. I don't find it either rude or odd that the other half is not included.

RegionMom

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I have been playing in a Bunco group for (mumble) years, and we have seen each others' kids turn from toddlers to teens.  One just had a baby after years of TTC.  One is divorced.   Several of us are looking to have kids off to college.  This group is beyond PTA or Scout moms, we KNOW each other.

I know of one group that has been together over 20 years. 

It is a monthly touchstone for me.  Some of "the girls" I only see at Bunco, while others I see weekly and consider close friends. 

When I host, it is the one time a year I treat myself to a house cleaning service, and my family KNOWS to help decorate and prepare, and then go away so I can enjoy the compliments from my group on my lovely home.  (just don't open the closet there!)

we talk about ... everything.  And we laugh, a lot!  Sometimes, we even have a special request/prayer request at "half time" (after playing 6 up, but before playing 6 down.)

And while I truly believe there is not a thing I have said that would surprise DH, it is fun to "let my hair down" and relax. 

Hopefully Mr. Amy had a one time slip. 

Most of the husbands in our group seem to enjoy Bunco- they get a clean house, a happy wife, yummy leftover special foods, a relaxed wife who might have won money or a prize, bonding time with kids or time alone to do what they want without interruption, etc...

Whoever invited Amy to the group needs to check with her that Mr. Amy will not be a fly on the wall next year.   :)

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citadelle

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I think these rukes should be discussed snd clarified with the entire group. It is possible that other members like Amy well enough that they would want her to co tinue as part of the group, even if it meant talking to her husband when Amy hosts.

It seems like this should be a group decision.