Author Topic: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive  (Read 14478 times)

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Margo

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #180 on: February 07, 2014, 03:21:21 PM »
I was working in a university lab, just as a tech, with two or three grad students and a couple of other techs.  The one guy was Italian descent, first generation Canadian - he still spoke Italian to his parents.  He invited all of us to his parents place for dinner one night.  So off we went.

Out came the pasta.  I had one serving, knowing there was more food to come.  But didn't think to warn my labmates.  Several of them had a second helping.  And then out came the roast chicken and beef and potatoes and vegetables and salad.  Since I only had one serving of the pasta, I had lots of room left for dinner.  The rest?  Knowing that the Mom would be upset if they didn't eat, ate as much as they could.  And dessert, with espresso.

We got out to the cars to drive back and I apologized for not warning them.  The rest of them moaned the whole way home.  I was full but not uncomfortably so.

I got caught out this way my first year in University. I was living in a Hall of Residence (Dorm?) There were either 12 or 14 rooms on our floor, sharing a big kitchen. About 10 were foreign students and I suggested to the other UK students that we cook a traditional Christmas meal and invite everyone. We did, it was a success (except when it turned out I was the only one who knew how to cook!) then a few days later , a group of the other students, who were from Singapore, invited us to a meal... There was so much food. we all are all we could, and just as we thought that, despite being absolutely stuffed, we had eaten a reasonable amount.. they opened the ovens and brought out an entire further course! It was all delicious, but there was so much!

Lynn2000

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #181 on: February 07, 2014, 04:03:08 PM »
So what's the polite way to deal with culturally-related feeding? I read stories on here and sometimes I become worried that I'll get into a situation like that someday. I absolutely will not eat more than I'm comfortable with, and I will not eat a specific thing I'm uncomfortable with, but I'd like to deal with that politely, especially if the "feeding" impulse is cultural (well-meant) and not just an individual who is controlling and pushy (not well-meant). Is it okay to just eat a little bit of most things, for example? Will that get you by?
~Lynn2000

melicious

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #182 on: February 07, 2014, 04:12:23 PM »
So what's the polite way to deal with culturally-related feeding? I read stories on here and sometimes I become worried that I'll get into a situation like that someday. I absolutely will not eat more than I'm comfortable with, and I will not eat a specific thing I'm uncomfortable with, but I'd like to deal with that politely, especially if the "feeding" impulse is cultural (well-meant) and not just an individual who is controlling and pushy (not well-meant). Is it okay to just eat a little bit of most things, for example? Will that get you by?

You shouldn't feel pressured - well meaning or not - to eat more than with which you're comfortable. Repeatedly not taking no for an answer is rude, regardless of culture.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #183 on: February 07, 2014, 04:22:01 PM »
So what's the polite way to deal with culturally-related feeding? I read stories on here and sometimes I become worried that I'll get into a situation like that someday. I absolutely will not eat more than I'm comfortable with, and I will not eat a specific thing I'm uncomfortable with, but I'd like to deal with that politely, especially if the "feeding" impulse is cultural (well-meant) and not just an individual who is controlling and pushy (not well-meant). Is it okay to just eat a little bit of most things, for example? Will that get you by?

I can only speak for my family. A smile and "It was so good! But I'm completely stuffed I promise!" will probably get you an "Alright, let me make you plate to go though, ok?", turning down something specific because you don't like it usually isn't a problem. Most things are just passed around the table, nothing really plated, so just keep passing the plate. Compliment what you do like. Food is an expression of love (or at least an expression of we're glad you are here), you reciprocate this love in two ways. First, by eating, obviously. Second, by complimenting the cook. It's delicious, fantastic, orgasm inducing. Well, maybe not the last one, not on your first visit at least. Ask questions if you're unfamiliar with a dish and be willing to try a small bite so long as you aren't allergic or have a dietary restriction against eating. It will make the cook happy you were willing to try something you were unfamiliar with, and it's ok if it's not for you. My grandma refuses to touch her brother's fried calamari (or any calamari), doesn't bug him in the slightest.

I've been told by outsiders (friends) that there's a lot of activity with our meals. We just aren't at the table for food. We're in the kitchen before hand, laughing, joking, being shoved away from helping and even after the food is eaten and the plates are cleared we're still at the table talking. It's loud. A happy loud. But there's a lot of noise and conversations going on.

Most importantly, pace yourself. Usually at my family's dinners everything but dessert is served at once. And there is dessert. But just in case start slow and build, other families are different. Stating that you're stuffed is a compliment. That's the goal. And be prepared to be offered leftovers. Don't be afraid to accept. If they didn't want you to have the food they wouldn't have offered it. (side note: you don't actually have to be too stuffed to move to state that you are completely stuffed, all it has to mean is you are full enough for your level of being full, but use the word stuffed)

TootsNYC

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #184 on: February 07, 2014, 04:28:28 PM »
I actually had to go on the offensive a couple of times, sorry to say.

W/ my MIL, I had time to "go on the offensive" in a careful and loving way--but I had to do it.

W/ the pushy "cousin"-in-law, when the 6th serving of bean dip didn't workI ended up saying, in response to her 6th "you need to eat more," "you need to get off my back." Fortunately, she's pushy enough in general, and was extremely pushy enough at that specific time, that anybody who overheard (or that she might have complained to) would have probably told her off. So while it wasn't nice, it was deserved, and I didn't risk my reputation.

But I learned from the exchange w/ my MIL: I now do to other people what I did to her: I first get effusive about thanking them and telling them how welcome and loved they make me feel, and then ask them to please not push me regarding food.

It works. They usually try to remember, because they know the underlying message is getting through.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #185 on: February 07, 2014, 04:33:55 PM »
I actually have a problem with being expected to clean my plate, my mum and stepdad thought there was something wrong with me if I didn't and I still remember throwing up after overeating to please them. DH had a hard time convincing me that he didn't just want me to eat for the sake of it and it was ok to have food left on your plate.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #186 on: February 07, 2014, 04:48:48 PM »
I actually have a problem with being expected to clean my plate, my mum and stepdad thought there was something wrong with me if I didn't and I still remember throwing up after overeating to please them. DH had a hard time convincing me that he didn't just want me to eat for the sake of it and it was ok to have food left on your plate.

Cleaning my plate, or anyone in my family cleaning their plate, was never a concept foisted upon me. I think because my grandma grew up with it when she was in the orphanage, you cleaned your plate, you let nothing go to waste, so she never did it with her kids and in turn my mom never did it with me. Sure she tried to encourage me to only take a little and reminded me I could always go back for more later, but if I didn't clean my plate, oh well no big deal I wasn't as hungry as I thought. I never understood my friends who would moan about their parents playing the "Kids in Africa are starving so eat your chicken" card. Didn't make a lick of sense to me, plus why keep eating after you're full? Just have leftovers later. Yeah, we'll keep asking you if you want more food, and we'll fix you a snack as soon as you walk in, but if you are actually full (remember say stuffed), then you're full. That's what they made to-go containers for.

Actually a lot of food stuff in my family might have deeper roots then just a cultural thing. My grandma grew up in a orphanage for much of her childhood (she was a ward of the state), and there wasn't ever enough food and sometimes you might go hungry and too bad if you did. So as an adult, there's always a lot of food and no one will ever go hungry. Food was always about love for her. It makes her happy to fix meals for people and see them happy and eating.

Oh, one more word of advice. Do not hesitate. Either take the food or don't take the food. Hesitation means you aren't sure if you should take more even though you want more, you'll be pressured to eat more. It's frustrating. I've learned the hard way. And learn to say "Seriously, it's great, but I'm stuffed, really, truly stuffed, I'm gonna need bigger pants, it was so fantastic!", a little drama goes a long way in family. Now if you do want seconds, remember Ray Romano's stand up, it's "Yes, I'll take seconds" if you want a whole second meal. And "No, I'm good" (not stuffed), if you want just a little more.

Luci45

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #187 on: February 07, 2014, 05:34:44 PM »
I honestly believe that if one puts something on one's plate, that one should finish it unless it turns out to be not what it was advertised as - like way to much salt, or an allergin that wasn't obvioius (pick up a bite of salad and see a nut lurking there!). This is for family style or buffets. Little kids are another matter, of course. Whims and desires change so quickly!

If the dish is plated, not under the diner's control, there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving food. This is for restaurants and wedding reception type meals. Or when Aunt Addy slaps something on the plate that is not wanted. (Woman! Please quit prancing around the table with the rolls and sweet potatoes!) It isn't an insult to anyone.

Being of farmer stock, where every bit if food is hardfought for, it seems an incredible waste to "leave a bit to be polite" and an affront to the backs and hands of those who worked to hard to raise it and prepare it. Even for me, I worked really hard peeling those potatoes after spending money to buy them, so the thought of a few potatoes from the buffet being left on every plate to be polite just seems such a waste and lack of respect.

In the posts I am reading, there is no middle line like mine.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #188 on: February 07, 2014, 06:29:34 PM »
I'm having a funny time with portion sizes right now and it's been that was sincere beginning of my pregnancy. It's probably due to their being less space in my stomach due to everything moving up, but I've found I have to eat less than I normally would. Even if the food is good.

For our 1st anniversary, DH and I went to a nice restaurant. The food was so good, I kept eating and was feeling very uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Until it came back up again.

It's so easy to forget though, even if they say to have lots of small meals.

VorFemme

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #189 on: February 07, 2014, 06:56:00 PM »
I'm having a funny time with portion sizes right now and it's been that was sincere beginning of my pregnancy. It's probably due to their being less space in my stomach due to everything moving up, but I've found I have to eat less than I normally would. Even if the food is good.

For our 1st anniversary, DH and I went to a nice restaurant. The food was so good, I kept eating and was feeling very uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Until it came back up again.

It's so easy to forget though, even if they say to have lots of small meals.

Yeah - well - the doctor didn't say how small the meals needed to be...until I tested borderline(?) for gestational diabetes and it was going to be six weeks after the short test to have enough staff back from the holidays to do the longer test....

The only other time I lost weight over the Thanksgiving & Christmas holiday season before that was when I had food poisoning....but after the New Year, I was off the diabetic diet.

Then, as I got more pregnant, I found out that smaller meals meant four to six large snacks instead of small meals...same thing with the second pregnancy. Smaller, more frequent meals or snacks...and keep healthy snacks around...the older kid will help eat them before they have a chance to "go bad"!
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

alkira6

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #190 on: February 07, 2014, 08:01:04 PM »
You know what has helped with portioning in our house?  Salad plates.  I found these white plates that are about 8 inches but curved.  A realistic portion of your food groups fits and your plate looks full without over serving.

http://www.dollartree.com/household/kitchen-dining/dinnerware/Royal-Norfolk-Contemporary-White-Square-Stoneware-Bowls-8-189-/500c526c528p308203/index.pro#BVRRWidgetID

lady_disdain

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #191 on: February 07, 2014, 08:13:00 PM »
I honestly believe that if one puts something on one's plate, that one should finish it unless it turns out to be not what it was advertised as - like way to much salt, or an allergin that wasn't obvioius (pick up a bite of salad and see a nut lurking there!). This is for family style or buffets. Little kids are another matter, of course. Whims and desires change so quickly!

While I don't condone deliberately putting too much food on a plate, it sometimes happen that a dish is more filling than expected, too rich or the serving spoon more capacious than it appears. Or maybe something that sounded good simply wasn't, even though it is what was described. I am not going to force myself to eat.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2014, 08:15:10 PM by lady_disdain »

MommyPenguin

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #192 on: February 07, 2014, 08:19:34 PM »
I think one thing you need to consider, when worrying about the locks of the other poster, is that risks are different in different parts of the world.  I have a friend who lived in a place in a foreign where the risk of forced entry by several organized, armed intruders was very, very significant.  They were in a gated community, and they'd get groups of armed men attempt to take out the security booth, ram the gates, and attack houses.  So, sure, you do want to be able to get out of your house in an emergency... but sometimes when the risk is so high of somebody trying to break in, it's worth making it a little harder for you to get out in a fire, because the risk of somebody trying to break in is greater than the risk of a fire.

Do you mind my asking, whereabouts in the world was this?  I tend strongly to the -- probably fallacious -- view that on the whole, most people are nice, and that stuff about mayhem tends to be exaggerated; but the described place is one that I'd think twice about visiting.

She was in Brazil, but it's a big country and I'll confess that I have no idea where in it she was.  All I know is that she's moving to the U.S... Houston, I think?  And they were looking at moving to a neighborhood that does not have a great reputation.  Her family was horrified.  "You're going to live WHERE?"  And she was like, obviously they have no idea that it's like Mayfield compared to where we were living back home.  There's not much of anywhere in the States that dangerous.

Mayfield? I know that there is an ice cream company by that name....or do you mean Mayberry (from the original Andy Griffith Show)?

I suppose living in an ice cream factory would be considered "family friendly"...fattening but family friendly!

Yep, sorry, I meant Mayberry!  I knew people use it as an example of a "perfect town" but, never having watched the show, I couldn't remember the name and had to look it up.  Obviously Google (and the link to a question on Yahoo! Answers) has failed me!

Psychopoesie

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #193 on: February 08, 2014, 12:33:56 AM »
I honestly believe that if one puts something on one's plate, that one should finish it unless it turns out to be not what it was advertised as - like way to much salt, or an allergin that wasn't obvioius (pick up a bite of salad and see a nut lurking there!). This is for family style or buffets. Little kids are another matter, of course. Whims and desires change so quickly!

While I don't condone deliberately putting too much food on a plate, it sometimes happen that a dish is more filling than expected, too rich or the serving spoon more capacious than it appears. Or maybe something that sounded good simply wasn't, even though it is what was described. I am not going to force myself to eat.

What lady_disdain said.

I'm making healthier choices about eating. Part of that is taking smaller servings. Part of that is paying attention to signals that I'm full. Going past that point because I made a mistake by taking a larger server than I end up being comfortable eating - not going to happen just to be polite.

VorFemme

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #194 on: February 08, 2014, 09:28:48 AM »
I think one thing you need to consider, when worrying about the locks of the other poster, is that risks are different in different parts of the world.  I have a friend who lived in a place in a foreign where the risk of forced entry by several organized, armed intruders was very, very significant.  They were in a gated community, and they'd get groups of armed men attempt to take out the security booth, ram the gates, and attack houses.  So, sure, you do want to be able to get out of your house in an emergency... but sometimes when the risk is so high of somebody trying to break in, it's worth making it a little harder for you to get out in a fire, because the risk of somebody trying to break in is greater than the risk of a fire.

Do you mind my asking, whereabouts in the world was this?  I tend strongly to the -- probably fallacious -- view that on the whole, most people are nice, and that stuff about mayhem tends to be exaggerated; but the described place is one that I'd think twice about visiting.

She was in Brazil, but it's a big country and I'll confess that I have no idea where in it she was.  All I know is that she's moving to the U.S... Houston, I think?  And they were looking at moving to a neighborhood that does not have a great reputation.  Her family was horrified.  "You're going to live WHERE?"  And she was like, obviously they have no idea that it's like Mayfield compared to where we were living back home.  There's not much of anywhere in the States that dangerous.

Mayfield? I know that there is an ice cream company by that name....or do you mean Mayberry (from the original Andy Griffith Show)?

I suppose living in an ice cream factory would be considered "family friendly"...fattening but family friendly!

Yep, sorry, I meant Mayberry!  I knew people use it as an example of a "perfect town" but, never having watched the show, I couldn't remember the name and had to look it up.  Obviously Google (and the link to a question on Yahoo! Answers) has failed me!

I used to watch it on a black & white tv after school...so I kind of recognized the reference after a few moment's of thought. 

Sigh...I grew up in small rural towns - Dad was a preacher, so I grew up in several of them.  They might be idyllic if you're the third or eighth generation of the family....but moving in and only having been there for less than three years (we moved about every three years, sometimes sooner - if Dad was "between churches" we might stay only six or eight weeks - fortunately that didn't happen more than once).  Being accepted into one of those communities takes a lot longer than two or three years....it's not a literary convention - it's the truth.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?