Author Topic: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive  (Read 14496 times)

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Luci45

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #195 on: February 08, 2014, 12:00:17 PM »
I honestly believe that if one puts something on one's plate, that one should finish it unless it turns out to be not what it was advertised as - like way to much salt, or an allergin that wasn't obvious (pick up a bite of salad and see a nut lurking there!). This is for family style or buffets. Little kids are another matter, of course. Whims and desires change so quickly!

While I don't condone deliberately putting too much food on a plate, it sometimes happen that a dish is more filling than expected, too rich or the serving spoon more capacious than it appears. Or maybe something that sounded good simply wasn't, even though it is what was described. I am not going to force myself to eat.

What lady_disdain said.

I'm making healthier choices about eating. Part of that is taking smaller servings. Part of that is paying attention to signals that I'm full. Going past that point because I made a mistake by taking a larger server than I end up being comfortable eating - not going to happen just to be polite.

Please forgive me. I am baffled that an adult can't gauge how much food is needed when serving oneself.

I guess this is another lesson to me that people are different in how they conceptualize (word?), and there should be no judgement from me. (I still have trouble with left and right and can't estimate 8feet to 12feet lengths, but can measure a teaspoon or a cup instinctively - please don't judge.  :-\)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #196 on: February 08, 2014, 01:05:49 PM »
I honestly believe that if one puts something on one's plate, that one should finish it unless it turns out to be not what it was advertised as - like way to much salt, or an allergin that wasn't obvious (pick up a bite of salad and see a nut lurking there!). This is for family style or buffets. Little kids are another matter, of course. Whims and desires change so quickly!

While I don't condone deliberately putting too much food on a plate, it sometimes happen that a dish is more filling than expected, too rich or the serving spoon more capacious than it appears. Or maybe something that sounded good simply wasn't, even though it is what was described. I am not going to force myself to eat.

What lady_disdain said.

I'm making healthier choices about eating. Part of that is taking smaller servings. Part of that is paying attention to signals that I'm full. Going past that point because I made a mistake by taking a larger server than I end up being comfortable eating - not going to happen just to be polite.

Please forgive me. I am baffled that an adult can't gauge how much food is needed when serving oneself.

I guess this is another lesson to me that people are different in how they conceptualize (word?), and there should be no judgement from me. (I still have trouble with left and right and can't estimate 8feet to 12feet lengths, but can measure a teaspoon or a cup instinctively - please don't judge.  :-\)

I think that at times you just don't know how hungry you really are. For some reason I wasn't hungry yesterday. I had a small bowl of oat bran in the morning, a container of yogurt around 1pm. At dinner I had made grilled chicken breasts. With each chicken fillet, I cut them lengthwise to thinner filets. So I served myself a filet, which was really half a filet, and a portion of salad. After about half the chicken breast I was full so I quit eating. I don't think I should continue to eat just because it's on my plate.

TootsNYC

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #197 on: February 08, 2014, 01:53:33 PM »
yeah, you want to talk about wasting food--it's REALLY wasted when it's converted into unnecessary fat.

Because then it isn't just "not nourishing anyone on its way to decomposition"; it's actively harming someone.

Food is going to be decomposing somewhere--in the sewer system after passing through a human body, or in the garbage system after passing through the trash (and if people compost or dispose of food garbage through the garbage disposal, it's completely the same).

It's a matter of how much "good" or "evil" is done along the way. And if people are overeating, they are doing -worse- than "wasting" food; they are creating a situation in which the food is not just "not doing good," it's actively doing "evil" by (at the least) making people physically uncomfortable from being too full, or (at the worst) permanently harming people in the form of excess weight.

Alli8098

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #198 on: February 08, 2014, 02:03:26 PM »
I'm having a funny time with portion sizes right now and it's been that was sincere beginning of my pregnancy. It's probably due to their being less space in my stomach due to everything moving up, but I've found I have to eat less than I normally would. Even if the food is good.

For our 1st anniversary, DH and I went to a nice restaurant. The food was so good, I kept eating and was feeling very uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Until it came back up again.

It's so easy to forget though, even if they say to have lots of small meals.

This pregnancy was unplanned for us and I was deeply concerned about my weight.  I had, before getting pregnant started to put together a diet and exercise program for myself.  I wanted to lose at least 60lbs before we attempted to get pregnant with our second child.  With my first she was also unplanned and I was overweight then too and ended up having severe edema and other issues towards the end of the pregnancy that led to an induction and c-section two weeks before my due date.  Not entirely caused by my weight but exacerbated by being on the heavy side.  My first pregnancy was when I was 18 (before meeting DH, this pregnancy is my third baby and our second), I was active and much more fit.  That pregnancy and delivery went off without a hitch.

So I lost about 10lbs and then found out I was pregnant with our second baby this last November.  My first concern was that I was still pretty heavy.  Well my gall bladder went haywire and I ended up losing and extra 20+ pounds without even trying (don't worry, the baby is fine).  Even though I lost that weight I still need to watch my weight gain with this baby.  I had a lengthy discussion with my Doctor and I was just advised to eat healthy and sensibly.  And when I'm fully recovered from surgery (they took my gallbladder out last week) I will be walking on a daily basis.   At my last appointment the Doctor said that I was doing great with the weight gain. 

I did have my night of overeating before my surgery when I was having one of my "good days" when my husband made a taco casserole.  I think I had 3 servings which is highly unusual for me.  Oh well, it was so good and I thought I was still hungry.  My my aching tummy told me a different story later that night.

zyrs

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #199 on: February 09, 2014, 12:34:18 AM »
I am the guilty party in this:

A long time ago a friend got married.  Part of what she was looking forward to was being able to have her first Christmas tree, except they had no money for a tree, lights or ornaments.  So I got some people together and we showed up at their house with a tree, lights and ornaments.  She was thrilled.

However, her husband was not.  He forbade the lot of us from ever coming to their house again because we had impugned his ability to provide for his family.

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #200 on: February 09, 2014, 12:48:51 AM »
I am the guilty party in this:

A long time ago a friend got married.  Part of what she was looking forward to was being able to have her first Christmas tree, except they had no money for a tree, lights or ornaments.  So I got some people together and we showed up at their house with a tree, lights and ornaments.  She was thrilled.

However, her husband was not.  He forbade the lot of us from ever coming to their house again because we had impugned his ability to provide for his family.

That's... uh... one heck of a big red flag, in my opinion. I do hope it wasn't followed up by more.  :-\
« Last Edit: February 09, 2014, 03:28:32 AM by Mel the Redcap »
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zyrs

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #201 on: February 09, 2014, 01:25:25 AM »
I am the guilty party in this:

A long time ago a friend got married.  Part of what she was looking forward to was being able to have her first Christmas tree, except they had no money for a tree, lights or ornaments.  So I got some people together and we showed up at their house with a tree, lights and ornaments.  She was thrilled.

However, her husband was not.  He forbade the lot of us from ever coming to their house again because we had impugned his ability to provide for his family.
[/quote

That's... uh... one heck of a big red flag, in my opinion. I do hope it wasn't followed up by more.  :-\

P know they got a divorce later, but don't know much more than that.

Lynn2000

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #202 on: February 09, 2014, 10:20:25 AM »
I am the guilty party in this:

A long time ago a friend got married.  Part of what she was looking forward to was being able to have her first Christmas tree, except they had no money for a tree, lights or ornaments.  So I got some people together and we showed up at their house with a tree, lights and ornaments.  She was thrilled.

However, her husband was not.  He forbade the lot of us from ever coming to their house again because we had impugned his ability to provide for his family.

Yipe. You know, I could see the woman being gracious, but perhaps confessing later that she wasn't totally thrilled, perhaps because she'd been looking forward to saving up for her perfect tree, picking it out with her DH, accumulating the ornaments slowly over the years, and you guys, in your well-meaning way, had circumvented that. Or even if her DH was disappointed for that reason. But for her to be thrilled, and him to be like, "*I* was gonna buy all that, except we didn't have money, and I'm mad you knew that, so you're never to come here again"? That seems kind of extreme. I could see him feeling that way, knee-jerk, and then having a conversation with his wife about not sharing their financial woes with others, but taking it out on you guys is too much.

My friend Amy prefers her Christmas tree decorations to be very well-matched and professional looking. I prefer mine to be a hodgepodge of individual ornaments collected over the years. Actually, "my" tree is my parents'. If in some hypothetical future I got married near Christmas, Amy might possibly decide to gift me with a well-matched, professional-looking "starter kit" to decorate "our first tree" with, because that's what she would like; whereas I would be cool with getting a few favorite, used ornaments from my mom and having a bare tree for a while as we slowly accumulated our own collection, which definitely wouldn't match. Even so, I hope I would recognize the spirit in which she gave the gift to me, and then I would go use it how I saw fit.

For me, coming to my house and insisting on coming in and setting it up right then and there the way Amy wanted it would be intrusive, but I think that's very know-your-audience; for me, that sort of thing applies to any decorative features in my territory, whereas other people are more relaxed about that. And even then, I would try to remember the well-meaning spirit, and that once she left, I could take it down easily enough.
~Lynn2000

TootsNYC

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #203 on: February 09, 2014, 03:39:55 PM »
With the Christmas tree story--it reminds me of a list I have at work: "how to show respect for your employees"

One of the items on the list is:  "Don't fix it for them."
   I have trouble with that; and I have to remind myself as a parent (and sometimes as a friend) that it's really sort of disrespectful to "do it for them," with some things more than others.

Bcs it turns out, it wasn't "our" tree; it was "the tree my friends gave us." Well-meant, loving, but across a boundary line. And people draw those boundaries at different places, sometimes very idiosyncratically. It can be hard to know where it is sometimes.
   And of course it's easy to get wrapped up in your own idea and do it.

I screwed up bigtime when I was straightening my DD's college dorm room (we'd gone there to install a shelf for her, and the stuff was in the way). In the course of it, i forgot and unknotted a kerchief to put it in her drawer--and it was one of those "we've tied it as a group, and if you never untie the knot, you know you'll come back to this place." I felt like a total crumb, a worm, the lowest most disrespectful person ever. I'm still wondering how I can make it up to her. I said, "if the person who unties it, REties it, will the magic come back?"
   And I realized that even straightening her room as sort of intrusive. I really have to make myself shut up sometimes.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #204 on: February 09, 2014, 04:44:51 PM »
I have friends who think it is the worst thing possible that I am single.  They have gone out of their way to try to fix me up with single male friends of theirs and it has never once gone well.   I've been fixed up with guys I have nothing in common with, guys who were just downright mean, and guys who were definitely NOT anyone I'd consider going out with EVER.

But, my friends think that because I am single, I therefore must be desperately searching for someone, so quite often, when I'm invited to a friend's house, or out for dinner or happy hour or something, lo'n behold, there's some guy there that they are just dying to introduce me to.

Or they'll do things like send my FB profile, my picture, my personal/professional information, and even MY dingdangity PHONE NUMBER to guys I do not even know.  Then I have some stranger tracking me around, and it's just creepy.

I am perfectly content with being single.  I've been this way for a long time, and I don't mind it, but apparently my friends do.  I know what they're doing is really meant as a gesture of helpfulness and kindness, but I find it mean, demeaning, and absolutely unaccepting of who I am.

Those people wouldn't be my friends much longer after pulling something like that.    :o

As for the "Don't fix it for them" this is something I sometimes run into with my bff.  When we met about 6-7 years or so ago I was not good at standing up for myself at all. I've gotten better about it but we still sometimes have disagreements over where I draw my battle lines.  She has gotten better but sometimes she does try to tell me how to fix something even when it's not really necessary.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

katycoo

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #205 on: February 09, 2014, 05:32:22 PM »
My father has the thought of if he likes something, then everyone does!

I will never forget my last time staying with them at their home while on a visit. I woke up the first morning, and my father has gone to the local donut shop and brought back donuts for us for breakfast. And that was the only option. I, being diagnosed as type II diabetic for 6 months at that time, declined the donuts. I asked if I could cook or go to a restaurant for a real breakfast. He was not happy, but my health is more important than eating donuts to make him happy.

My mom was diagnosed as type II diabetic two years later and my dad still buys donuts and expects her to have them for breakfast. She doesn't.

Now, if we visit them, we stay in a hotel and have a real breakfast.

I've never understood the idea of doughnuts for breakfast.  I mean, clearly lots of people like it but the thought of something sweet for breakfast makes my stomach churn.

TootsNYC

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #206 on: February 09, 2014, 06:20:45 PM »
The people who eat donuts or danish would probably squawk at the idea of cake for breakfast--but there isn't any nutritional difference. My dad used to eat pie for breakfast, if there was any in the house (esp. pumpkin pie, at T'giving). Someone said, "That's not breakfast!" and he said, "Explain to me the difference between pie and a danish."

My mom always pointed out, "It's food--it doesn't actually come w/ restrictions that dictate what time of day it should be served." In her childhood, the fieldhands ate stake and eggs for b'fast.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #207 on: February 09, 2014, 06:36:53 PM »
My bff told me her dad used to say "My stomach can't tell time."
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Giraffe, Esq

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #208 on: February 09, 2014, 06:49:32 PM »
The people who eat donuts or danish would probably squawk at the idea of cake for breakfast--but there isn't any nutritional difference.

I'm the opposite.  I have no problems with cookies, cake, pie, brownies, etc. for breakfast -- after all, we eat donuts for breakfast!   ;D

TootsNYC

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Re: Gestures you thought was nice but others found intrusive
« Reply #209 on: February 09, 2014, 08:10:42 PM »
I once nuked popcorn at the office for breakfast; a colleague said, "That's not a nutritious breakfast!" I said, "it's whole-grain," and she said "no, it isn't."
   So then I said, "What if I were having a bowl of Kellog's Corn Pops?"  "That's better," she said.

People are funny.


Anyway, enough food stuff; back to your regularly scheduled "Ooops, that was intrusive!" thread.