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Author Topic: Retaliatory Rudeness?  (Read 18180 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #75 on: January 29, 2014, 09:51:29 AM »
I think if you were going to leave, you shouldn't make a big scene.

Make a lot of little scenes.

Go to all the relatives, one at a time, to greet and hug them, and say "I'm so sorry we can't stay--we'd asked MIL to avoid using nuts, because ODS is so deathly allergic--even if one of you touched him w/ nuts on your skin, he'll end up in the hospital. It seems dramatic, but his allergy is particularly severe.
   "But she made her nut ball and the peanut fudge, and the risk is just too high. I'm not sure why but she doesn't appear to take his allergy seriously. We have to go."

also lay some groundwork in front of other family members.

Say on someone's Facebook page (or several people's), "Looking forward to it! I hope we can stay for the whole party, but as you know ODS is scarily allergic to nuts and eggs. MIL has promised us to not make -anything- with nuts (their oils spread so easily, and even skin contact will send ODS to the emergency room), so hopefully we can."

Start doing some PR within the family. The reason she'll keep a nut-free room at church is because all those other people have told her she has to. You need some "other people" in your family.

mime

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #76 on: January 29, 2014, 10:06:51 AM »
On the whole, I'd stay home.  There's nothing to be gained, and a whole lot to be lost by going.  Dh just might have to deal.

This.
What is to be gained?
  You all survive to fight this battle again, and again, and again.
  You avoid making totally unreasonable people mad at you. Is that worth the effort and the risk?
What it to be lost?
  As a fellow parent, my answer is 'Everything. One of the precious few people in this world who matter before me and rely on me to protect him and set an example of how to protect himself.'

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #77 on: January 29, 2014, 10:12:47 AM »
I am curious as to why your husband would put the feelings of his parents ahead of the health (and possibly life) of his son.

I am wondering the same thing.

P O D !!

SCMagnolia

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #78 on: January 29, 2014, 10:27:24 AM »
First and foremost, your DH NEEDS -- not just needs, ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, 10000000% NEEDS -- to be on board about his children's life-threatening allergies.    He is not.   That is a HUGE issue here.  You need to sit him down and have the come-to-Jesus talk about this.  Kid comes in contact with nuts, kid could die.  Why does he feel the need to NOT DEFEND HIS CHILD'S LIFE?

Your MIL is a control MONSTER.  It has to be her way or the highway in her house.  She serves foods your kids are deathly allergic to because "This is my house, by dog, and nobody, NOBODY is going to tell me what I can serve or not serve.  They show up, they eat it, or tough."    This is not the thinking of a reasonable, rational, normal adult.  She has serious mental issues and she is NOT the nicest, kindest, most loving, most Christian person in the world.  She is a monster.  She is hateful, and she is DEADLY.  What grandparent would put the life of a grandbaby at risk???  I can absolutely see her eating a huge piece of peanut butter fudge and then kissing all over your son.   

If I were you, I would definitely NOT go.  She has proven herself to be untrustworthy about caring for your children and their allergies with the roast beef sandwich incident.  She will do it again, at the risk of your child's life.   And I would tell her so much, too.  If she doesn't like it and it ruins her "big happy family" fantasy/facade, then that is HER issue to deal with.  Not yours. 


bah12

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #79 on: January 29, 2014, 10:31:40 AM »
I think if you were going to leave, you shouldn't make a big scene.

Make a lot of little scenes.

Go to all the relatives, one at a time, to greet and hug them, and say "I'm so sorry we can't stay--we'd asked MIL to avoid using nuts, because ODS is so deathly allergic--even if one of you touched him w/ nuts on your skin, he'll end up in the hospital. It seems dramatic, but his allergy is particularly severe.
   "But she made her nut ball and the peanut fudge, and the risk is just too high. I'm not sure why but she doesn't appear to take his allergy seriously. We have to go."

also lay some groundwork in front of other family members.

Say on someone's Facebook page (or several people's), "Looking forward to it! I hope we can stay for the whole party, but as you know ODS is scarily allergic to nuts and eggs. MIL has promised us to not make -anything- with nuts (their oils spread so easily, and even skin contact will send ODS to the emergency room), so hopefully we can."

Start doing some PR within the family. The reason she'll keep a nut-free room at church is because all those other people have told her she has to. You need some "other people" in your family.

Personally, I think this is going too far.  Why go through all this?  MIL doesn't abide by the "no nuts requirement", OP and kids leave.  People ask why, she tells them.  All this pre-emptive PA behavior and taking all the time to make sure every guest knows that it's MILs fault she's leaving is too much.  Not to mention that while she's going around making MIL look bad, her toddler is touching foods contaminated with nuts.  It's too much.

It has been my experience that people don't need me to help them look bad.  They do that all by themselves anyway.  When I try to help them, then all I manage to do is make myself look bitter.

cheyne

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #80 on: January 29, 2014, 11:07:47 AM »
This isn't about your MIL, your FIL, DH or any other relatives.  This is about your son, period.  This isn't even about etiquette, as etiquette has been trampled in the dust miles back.

Do not go.  No arguments, no fighting, no hysteria or drama.  If your DH still wants to attend let him without drama or repercussions.  However, you and your sons do not go. 

This doesn't have to be a huge fight or blowup with your DH or In Laws, you simply state that you and children will not be attending.  You don't even have to defend your position-they already know why you aren't going.  I would not JADE, just state what your actions will be.  If your IL's or DH freak out let them.  You are a rock, stating the way it's going to be.

Don't talk about your boundries-live them.

alkira6

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #81 on: January 29, 2014, 11:08:52 AM »
OP, I am sorry that you are going through this, both with your MIL and your DH.  In your shoes I would definitely not be going. Your MIL and your FIL (by playing protective spouse over her hurt feelings) have let you know that doing what they want when they want if more important than the welfare of your children. Your DH has shown you that he places the happiness of his mother over the health and happiness of his family.

Do not make a scene.  Do not go, do not take your children or let them go.  When relatives ask (and they will  ::) ) tell them what you have told us - after repeated instances of trusting your MIL with the health of your child she has not only ignored what you have requested but have actively gone out of her way to make sure that the allergens are present.  Be specific. Give examples.  Stop worrying about keeping the peace.  Your DH needs to put on his big boy boxers and make a choice about which part of his family he needs to support the most.

HenrysMom

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #82 on: January 29, 2014, 11:12:49 AM »
Personally, it wouldn't matter to me that your husband says that all of you have to go.  Don't risk their health/life(lives) by taking them into that environment.  Don't let them put even a toe inside that house.

On the day of the event, I'd pack up yourself and your kids and take them to the zoo, circus, shopping mall, anywhere else.  Tell your husband on the way out or by cell phone after you've left that he can go to FIL/MIL's event all by himself, because you are not going to put your kids into a dangerous situation.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #83 on: January 29, 2014, 11:20:10 AM »
I think your husband is saying far more with his actions than your MIL ever could.

He is the one that should be having a real problem with his mother and should be letting her know that in no uncertain terms that if she does not take her grandkid's allergies seriously and that they are life threatening, then he nor his family will be visiting their home.  His family simply cannot take the chance of possilbe serious reaction to said allergy. 

By patronizing his mother, he is saying his children are not important to him, nor you as his wife. 

I would be having a serious talk with my not so dear husband in this case.

Wordgeek

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Re: Retaliatory Rudeness?
« Reply #84 on: January 29, 2014, 11:37:57 AM »
Insofar as this relates to etiquette, the OP has received good advice.  It is not primarily an etiquette issue, but something much deeper. Ergo, thread closed.

Best wishes to those involved.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2014, 06:14:27 PM by Wordgeek »
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.


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