Is it inappropriate to say, "i'm worried about you" in this situation?

[Chocolate Cake]

I have a childhood friend whom I see about every other year or so (we live 5 states distant from each other).    Although we don't see each other often, I consider her one of my closest friends (and vice versa).  There's just something special about having a friend who knew me as a child, ya know? 

Anyway, during our last visit, I was shocked at how obese my friend has gotten.  In high school, she was "big boned" but slender.   Beginning in college, she started to get heavy.  Now, she is truly obese:  I would estimate her weight at pretty close to 400 lbs.  She pants and sweats when she walks even short distances.  Her skin and hair look terrible and she complains about how her legs and feet hurt.

I know that she knows she's fat and, since she is educated and well-read,  I know that she's well aware of the extraordinary health risks she's taking by being so big.   

Obviously, I'm worried about her.  And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son.  He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height.  It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did.  She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.

I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever.   I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care. 

So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you.  Is there anything I can do to help you?"

[Gileswench]

I wonder if it might be easier to raise the question through your concerns for her son. You obviously know her better than I do, but worries for a child are often a place to start with a parent. Just be prepared to be rebuffed. She may not be ready to talk or do anything about this, and you can't get someone to change an unhealthy lifestyle until they're ready to do it (says she who has on more than one occasion dreamed of wrestling the unhealthy snacks out of her diabetic husband's hands). OTOH, be prepared for the floodgates to open, too. Sometimes a person is ready to change but it all seems so huge and overwhelming they don't know where to start.

Maybe mentioning how her son has told you about the teasing and expressing concern for his happiness is the place to begin. It's less likely to sound judgemental than talking about how overweight he is, and it gives you an easy out if you get a lot of 'back-off' vibes, but it also gives a good opening for talking about the rest of the problem.

Best of luck. This isn't an easy call. Still, even if I brush it off, I appreciate a friend who is willing to let me know what's on his/her mind.

[supernova]

Yes, I think it would be inappropriate.  As you pointed out, she is fully aware of her physical condition, and intelligent enough to make a choice.

If it were something not so noticeable, like perhaps she was depressed or something, you might consider talking to her about it.  But in a world where we are bombarded daily with the message that being large is not OK, in movies, TV, billboards, magazines, newspapers, doctors' offices, restaurants and even accosted by total strangers (yes, it's happened to me and to others I know), you very well might be the only friend she has that hasn't mentioned her weight. 

Perhaps that's why you're still her friend. 

At any rate, I would leave it alone unless she brings it up.  If she does ask for your help, be understanding and supportive.  If she doesn't...  well, be the one person in her life who she can count on not to chastise her for ordering something besides a salad and diet iced tea.

(I'm speaking from the heart here, as a large woman who is healthy and active, and still regularly receives glares, sneers, and arch comments.  If I've said anything offensive, or made assumptions about your friend or your friendship, please forgive me.  This is a topic very close to my heart.)

     - saphie

[Irish Clovers]

I would say something voicing your concerns for both her and her son.  How sad.  

[Bijou]

I have a childhood friend whom I see about every other year or so (we live 5 states distant from each other).    Although we don't see each other often, I consider her one of my closest friends (and vice versa).  There's just something special about having a friend who knew me as a child, ya know? 

Anyway, during our last visit, I was shocked at how obese my friend has gotten.  In high school, she was "big boned" but slender.   Beginning in college, she started to get heavy.  Now, she is truly obese:  I would estimate her weight at pretty close to 400 lbs.  She pants and sweats when she walks even short distances.  Her skin and hair look terrible and she complains about how her legs and feet hurt.

I know that she knows she's fat and, since she is educated and well-read,  I know that she's well aware of the extraordinary health risks she's taking by being so big.   

Obviously, I'm worried about her.  And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son.  He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height.  It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did.  She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.

I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever.   I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care. 

So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you.  Is there anything I can do to help you?"

She probably thinks you accept her as she is...and maybe that you are being polite.  I doubt she thinks you don't care.  
I wonder if they have been tested to see if there is a medical reason for the excess weight they are carrying.  In any case, you seem to realize that this is sensitive ground, but she opened a door by telling you that her son is teased about his weight.  At that point you could have told her that you are worried about him and ask whether he has been evaluated by his doctor for underlying causes.   Maybe by approaching it from a health standpoint it would be easier for her to hear and for you to say.  
Type 2 diabetes, which used to be an adult onset disease, is on the rise among children.  There should also be concern about cholesterol levels and high blood pressure for an overweight child, not to mention the wear and tear on the joints from carrying too much weight.  I hope she can step in and help her son.  If it is diet and lifestyle that is creating the problem then she would probably have to make a commitment to change if she wants to help him.  Tough, I know, but then I also know how tough it is to deal with type 2 diabetes as an adult, let alone how hard it would be for a child.

[JoyinVirginia]

Obviously, I'm worried about her.  And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son.  He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height.  It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did.  She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.
I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever.   I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care. 
So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you.  Is there anything I can do to help you?"

I don't think it is inappropriate, but I would recommend you preface your comment by first saying "I really want to say something important to you, but if you feel this is none of my business please tell me and we won't talk about it again." Then say what you wrote above. That makes it clear that you are concerned, but respect her feelings, and will not make further comments if she doesn't want to talk about it.

Some good resources you can point out to her are Weight Watchers, also online www.weightwatchers.com (I do WW, and recommend it highly), a free site Dotty's Weight Loss Zone www.dwlz.com and also a terrific free USDA site about the food guide pyramid,  www.mypyramid.gov which has a special section and games for kids. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, give her these sites to check out when she is ready.
Joy in Virginia

[platys]

As someone who has gone up as high as 220 pounds (I'm only 4'10, so that's a ton on my body), she already knows she's obese.  In fact, I bet people tell her all the time.  She probably also knows all about dieting - maybe even more than you.  I finally got control of my weight thanks to surgery, but I'm lucky that I had insurance and savings - she might not be in a position.  She might feel helpless.   Being her friend is probably more valuable than being one more person who points out that she's too heavy.

[goblue2539]

I'm going to echo Joy here.  I think that it's perfectly fine to let her know you're concerned about her and want to support her, so long as the option is there for her to not discuss it.  And I think saying what you told us is a great start.  You don't mention her weight at all in that statement.  It opens the door in case it's an underlying emotional problem that's led to the weight instead of a physical one.  Good luck, to you both.

[CreteGirl]

I don't think you should mention it unless she does.  She is completely aware of her weight.  If she mentions joining the gym or some other weight loss method, be supportive.  Other than that, I would leave it alone.

[LadyJaneinMD]

I don't think you should mention it unless she does.  She is completely aware of her weight.  If she mentions joining the gym or some other weight loss method, be supportive.  Other than that, I would leave it alone.

Thank you!!   I'm a person of nearly that size, and I grew rather quickly in the years after high school.  Believe me, we are COMPLETELY aware of why our legs and feet hurt.  We KNOW the risks of being large. We can't step out of the bathroom in the morning without having it slapped in our faces, shoved in our hands, and beat into our heads. WE KNOW.   We can't even go to the doctor with an earache without having it blamed on our weight. 
Leave it alone.  If nagging could make a person lose weight, then the whole world would be model-slim. 

[Chocolate Cake]

I just wanted to clarify that I stated in my OP that I know she knows she's obese.

The question is:  Does stating that I'm worried about her health and is there anything I can do qualify as helpful or not helpful?

[nutraxfornerves]

Does stating that I'm worried about her health and is there anything I can do qualify as helpful or not helpful?

I am another who has been on that other side. I vote "not helpful." I think my reaction would be "Et tu, Brute?"

What she probably needs most is someone who accepts her for what she it. Before you speak, think for a sec. What could you say that she hasn't already heard a dozen time or doesn't already know? Is it likely that coming from you it will have any more impact that everything else she has been told or has read about?  Or, will it simply pile more stress on her about her weight?

[platys]

I would say not helpful.  If she says something like "Oh, my legs ache" you can say "Oh, dear, I do worry about you." - that lets her know you care, without having the big "Oh, you weigh 400 pounds and I do worry" conversation. 

[platys]

  We can't even go to the doctor with an earache without having it blamed on our weight. 
Leave it alone.  If nagging could make a person lose weight, then the whole world would be model-slim. 

I spent years with undiagnosed PCOS because I'd go to doctors who would tell me that the reason why I didn't have a period was that I was "too heavy".  I finally found a new doctor who put together all my symptoms, and I was able to lose a lot of weight once I started on medication.

[Clara Bow]

I am very overweight (you have no idea how hard it is to say that) and i have to tell you that I would be crushed by someone saying that to me. It's hard to be fat, and it's hard to have it brought up to you. She, like me, is aware of her weight problem and I gurantee you she finds it as frightening as you do. But there are a lot of reasons that people become obese, not all of them center around ignorance. I think that it is nice that you are concerned about your friend, but this is one of those times that it is best to say nothing. Now if she approaches you to discuss weight, then let her know your concerns. But I don't think that I would broach the subject with her.
The next time she brings up her son's problems, ask her what his pediatrician says. I have a problem with people who allow their children to be obese, children have no control over their diets as they are not the shoppers. If she's receptive, talk to her about ways to help her son slim down and perhaps that will lead the two of you into a dialogue about her weight.