General Etiquette > Life...in general
Is it inappropriate to say, "i'm worried about you" in this situation?
Chocolate Cake:
I have a childhood friend whom I see about every other year or so (we live 5 states distant from each other). Although we don't see each other often, I consider her one of my closest friends (and vice versa). There's just something special about having a friend who knew me as a child, ya know?
Anyway, during our last visit, I was shocked at how obese my friend has gotten. In high school, she was "big boned" but slender. Beginning in college, she started to get heavy. Now, she is truly obese: I would estimate her weight at pretty close to 400 lbs. She pants and sweats when she walks even short distances. Her skin and hair look terrible and she complains about how her legs and feet hurt.
I know that she knows she's fat and, since she is educated and well-read, I know that she's well aware of the extraordinary health risks she's taking by being so big.
Obviously, I'm worried about her. And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son. He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height. It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did. She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.
I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever. I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care.
So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Gileswench:
I wonder if it might be easier to raise the question through your concerns for her son. You obviously know her better than I do, but worries for a child are often a place to start with a parent. Just be prepared to be rebuffed. She may not be ready to talk or do anything about this, and you can't get someone to change an unhealthy lifestyle until they're ready to do it (says she who has on more than one occasion dreamed of wrestling the unhealthy snacks out of her diabetic husband's hands). OTOH, be prepared for the floodgates to open, too. Sometimes a person is ready to change but it all seems so huge and overwhelming they don't know where to start.
Maybe mentioning how her son has told you about the teasing and expressing concern for his happiness is the place to begin. It's less likely to sound judgemental than talking about how overweight he is, and it gives you an easy out if you get a lot of 'back-off' vibes, but it also gives a good opening for talking about the rest of the problem.
Best of luck. This isn't an easy call. Still, even if I brush it off, I appreciate a friend who is willing to let me know what's on his/her mind.
supernova:
Yes, I think it would be inappropriate. As you pointed out, she is fully aware of her physical condition, and intelligent enough to make a choice.
If it were something not so noticeable, like perhaps she was depressed or something, you might consider talking to her about it. But in a world where we are bombarded daily with the message that being large is not OK, in movies, TV, billboards, magazines, newspapers, doctors' offices, restaurants and even accosted by total strangers (yes, it's happened to me and to others I know), you very well might be the only friend she has that hasn't mentioned her weight.
Perhaps that's why you're still her friend. ;)
At any rate, I would leave it alone unless she brings it up. If she does ask for your help, be understanding and supportive. If she doesn't... well, be the one person in her life who she can count on not to chastise her for ordering something besides a salad and diet iced tea.
(I'm speaking from the heart here, as a large woman who is healthy and active, and still regularly receives glares, sneers, and arch comments. If I've said anything offensive, or made assumptions about your friend or your friendship, please forgive me. This is a topic very close to my heart.)
- saphie
Irish Clovers:
I would say something voicing your concerns for both her and her son. How sad. :'(
Bijou:
--- Quote from: Chocolate Cake on January 08, 2007, 11:36:45 AM ---I have a childhood friend whom I see about every other year or so (we live 5 states distant from each other). Although we don't see each other often, I consider her one of my closest friends (and vice versa). There's just something special about having a friend who knew me as a child, ya know?
Anyway, during our last visit, I was shocked at how obese my friend has gotten. In high school, she was "big boned" but slender. Beginning in college, she started to get heavy. Now, she is truly obese: I would estimate her weight at pretty close to 400 lbs. She pants and sweats when she walks even short distances. Her skin and hair look terrible and she complains about how her legs and feet hurt.
I know that she knows she's fat and, since she is educated and well-read, I know that she's well aware of the extraordinary health risks she's taking by being so big.
Obviously, I'm worried about her. And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son. He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height. It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did. She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.
I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever. I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care.
So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
--- End quote ---
She probably thinks you accept her as she is...and maybe that you are being polite. I doubt she thinks you don't care.
I wonder if they have been tested to see if there is a medical reason for the excess weight they are carrying. In any case, you seem to realize that this is sensitive ground, but she opened a door by telling you that her son is teased about his weight. At that point you could have told her that you are worried about him and ask whether he has been evaluated by his doctor for underlying causes. Maybe by approaching it from a health standpoint it would be easier for her to hear and for you to say.
Type 2 diabetes, which used to be an adult onset disease, is on the rise among children. There should also be concern about cholesterol levels and high blood pressure for an overweight child, not to mention the wear and tear on the joints from carrying too much weight. I hope she can step in and help her son. If it is diet and lifestyle that is creating the problem then she would probably have to make a commitment to change if she wants to help him. Tough, I know, but then I also know how tough it is to deal with type 2 diabetes as an adult, let alone how hard it would be for a child.
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