Is it inappropriate to say, "i'm worried about you" in this situation?

[Rei-chan]

I agree with Auntie Venom. 

My mother was obese (5'1" and over 250) and I watched her struggle with it for years before she passed.  Her weight problems stemmed from a fibromyalgia issue, and although she ate right, she couldn't get the weight off, and it eventually helped kill her.  I completely understand your concern for your friend, but bringing up something she already worries about will make things worse.  Due to the weight, she may have blood pressure issues, and stress could exacerbate the situation.

Be as supportive as you can, but leave it alone unless she asks for your help or opinion. 

[Slartibartfast]

weight issues are one of the most difficult things for women to overcome.  Even if there *is* an underlying medical condition or eating disorder, women are constantly told (directly and indirectly) that being fat is wrong and it's all their fault.  And it's difficult or impossible to change the way their body looks - if you're 400 pounds, you *will* always be overweight, even if you lose half of that.

Would you confront her if she were super-skinny and dieted too much?  If she smoked?  If she joined a religion that only allowed her to eat brussels sprouts?  If she always drove too fast?  If she went to tanning salons a lot?

Any of those things are something that would be "her fault" and would negatively affect her health.  If you (not just the OP, but anyone in this situation) wouldn't confront your friend about their smoking or their unsafe driving habits, don't confront them about their weight either.  If you look at those examples and say "Yes, we're good enough friends I would definitely say something," then offer a shoulder to lean on if your friend should decide to take control of their weight - but don't pressure them to change who they are.

[freakyfemme]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

[freakyfemme]

children have no control over their diets as they are not the shoppers.

That's not necessarily true.  I used to also be very overweight (236 pounds at my highest weight, and I'm 5'10"), and it wasn't my parents' fault at all.  My mom bought healthy food AND not-so-healthy food, but the problem was, I ate too much of the junk (plus MORE junk when I wasn't at home), and not enough of the healthy food, and I was basically sedentary.  Sure, I did all kinds of music and student government and community-service type activities, but I didn't exercise at all.......my "exercise" consisted of walking around campus and town, and taking public transit, which requires a certain amount of walking as well, and walking the dog, all of which were intermittent at best, and not nearly vigorous enough. Now, I do cardio and strength training every day (unless I'm seriously ill, or travelling all day), and I'm much more careful about what I eat, so I'm no pixie, but I'm not unhealthy anymore either. 

[housewife2k]

Please, don't broach the subject. If she brings it up, then, carefully and clearly and concisely tell her the you love her and are concerned and is there anything you can do to help friend or son. If you are going out to do something, and you think freind's son might enjoy the activity, ask her if she wouldn't mind you taking him? She is aware of her problem, and aware of his, but if she doesn't have the energy to take him out for activities, she might feel that his weight is her fault too.

[Alida]

She knows.  And I'd be surprised if she doesn't worry about her son, too.  Just be supportive if she wants support and try to encourage activities together with her that don't involve a lot of food, but do involve some activity.

[Clara Bow]

children have no control over their diets as they are not the shoppers.

That's not necessarily true.  I used to also be very overweight (236 pounds at my highest weight, and I'm 5'10"), and it wasn't my parents' fault at all.  My mom bought healthy food AND not-so-healthy food, but the problem was, I ate too much of the junk (plus MORE junk when I wasn't at home), and not enough of the healthy food, and I was basically sedentary.  Sure, I did all kinds of music and student government and community-service type activities, but I didn't exercise at all.......my "exercise" consisted of walking around campus and town, and taking public transit, which requires a certain amount of walking as well, and walking the dog, all of which were intermittent at best, and not nearly vigorous enough. Now, I do cardio and strength training every day (unless I'm seriously ill, or travelling all day), and I'm much more careful about what I eat, so I'm no pixie, but I'm not unhealthy anymore either. 

A well made point. But I was more commenting on the fact that this woman is overweight as well, a possible indication that healthy food may not be available in the home. I see what you're saying and I ammend my point to include this contingency.

[Lauren]

I'm another one who'll throw in the "don't say anything" I KNOW I'm big, I KNOW the health risks. I get told by my mother once a week that she dosen't want to bury me. I've been criticised for everything that goes into my mouth since I was 12. Trust me, it will hurt your friend a LOT if you talk to her about it. Unless she brings it up to you its none of your business.

[blue2000]

I would do as other posters have suggested, and offer healthy activities or hobbies she might like, but NOT mention the weight.
An old friend of mine has been a little chubby all her life. Her mother has been on her back about it for almost that long!  She's still chubby, but now I worry more about the effect all the yo-yo dieting has had on her system, as well as the possibility of eating disorders.

[stacykk]

Don't say anything. 

I am also overweight.  I know I'm overweight, I know the effects on my health, and the effects on my emotional and mental well being.  I'm always *trying* to lose weight and the last thing I want to hear is someone (even a well meaning friend) point out that I'm overweight.  Even little "hints" on exercise and eating healthy are not taken like they are intended.  I know they are trying to be helpful, but I can't get past the fact that my friends see me as fat.  And since eating is an emotional issue with me, when a friend tries to give me a helpful "hint" it hurts, and when I hurt, I eat.  It becomes a vicious cycle.

When you're friend is ready, she will tell you and you can support her and encourage then.  But only then.

[kethria]

I have to echo the "don't say anything"... I'm 5'2" and a size 12, and my mother and sisters are both size 0, and every day EVERY SINGLE DAY the tell me that I'm going to die an early death because I am fat. IT does not help, especially since I was also a size 0 until I got on Depo-provera....

[Lauren]

and every day EVERY SINGLE DAY the tell me that I'm going to die an early death because I am fat.

ITS NOT JUST ME! I keep telling my mother she can't talk about my weight, she will continue to do so and when I bring it up again she will reply "but I've said nothing and you've done nothing!"

It breaks my heart every time, and I can't get out of my head that the first thing my mum (and grandmother and auntie) think of when it comes to me is I'm fat. Not anything else, just my weight.

[CreteGirl]

I have to echo the "don't say anything"... I'm 5'2" and a size 12, and my mother and sisters are both size 0, and every day EVERY SINGLE DAY the tell me that I'm going to die an early death because I am fat. IT does not help, especially since I was also a size 0 until I got on Depo-provera....

Size 12 is not fat.  Sheesh.

[sparksals]

I have a childhood friend whom I see about every other year or so (we live 5 states distant from each other).    Although we don't see each other often, I consider her one of my closest friends (and vice versa).  There's just something special about having a friend who knew me as a child, ya know? 

Anyway, during our last visit, I was shocked at how obese my friend has gotten.  In high school, she was "big boned" but slender.   Beginning in college, she started to get heavy.  Now, she is truly obese:  I would estimate her weight at pretty close to 400 lbs.  She pants and sweats when she walks even short distances.  Her skin and hair look terrible and she complains about how her legs and feet hurt.

I know that she knows she's fat and, since she is educated and well-read,  I know that she's well aware of the extraordinary health risks she's taking by being so big.  

Obviously, I'm worried about her.  And, I'm worried about her 9 year old son.  He's also obese....very heavy for his age/height.  It's clear that he's going right down the path she's chosen, but at a faster clip than she did.  She mentioned that he gets teased about his weight by kids at school.

I've never said anything to her about her weight, ever.   I don't know if she thinks I'm just being polite or if she thinks that I just don't care. 

So.....is it inappropriate of me, in this situation, to say, "I'm worried about you.  Is there anything I can do to help you?"

CC - don't do it.  As someone who has struggled with weight and yo yo'd my entire life, I would be extremely hurt and angry if a friend who purported to be a dear one made such a comment.   

Your friend knows she's overweight.  She feels horrible about herself and it will make her feel worse if you point it out.  The best thing you can do for your friend is to accept her the way she is by not saying anything about it. 

[sparksals]

Some good resources you can point out to her are Weight Watchers, also online www.weightwatchers.com (I do WW, and recommend it highly), a free site Dotty's Weight Loss Zone www.dwlz.com and also a terrific free USDA site about the food guide pyramid,  www.mypyramid.gov which has a special section and games for kids. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, give her these sites to check out when she is ready.
Joy in Virginia

If a "friend" did this to me, she wouldn't be my friend anymore.  Period.  It is extremely insulting to make such suggestions.  Believe me, overweight people know where to go.