Is it inappropriate to say, "i'm worried about you" in this situation?

[sparksals]

Some good resources you can point out to her are Weight Watchers, also online www.weightwatchers.com (I do WW, and recommend it highly), a free site Dotty's Weight Loss Zone www.dwlz.com and also a terrific free USDA site about the food guide pyramid,  www.mypyramid.gov which has a special section and games for kids. Even if she doesn't want to talk about it, give her these sites to check out when she is ready.
Joy in Virginia

 

As someone who has gone up as high as 220 pounds (I'm only 4'10, so that's a ton on my body), she already knows she's obese.  In fact, I bet people tell her all the time.  She probably also knows all about dieting - maybe even more than you.  I finally got control of my weight thanks to surgery, but I'm lucky that I had insurance and savings - she might not be in a position.  She might feel helpless.   Being her friend is probably more valuable than being one more person who points out that she's too heavy.

I couldn't agree more. 

[sparksals]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

Yes, that WILL hurt her feelings because the overweight friend will know what the outing is really about - a thinly veiled hint that she is obese.   

[freakyfemme]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

Yes, that WILL hurt her feelings because the overweight friend will know what the outing is really about - a thinly veiled hint that she is obese.   

So, it's impolite to suggest to an overweight person that you engage in any activity that isn't completely sedentary?  I think that's going a bit far, because there are only so many things you can do that are a sit-down, sweat-free thing, and maybe the OP could frame it as if she wants to do something different and get active HERSELF, and she could use some company.

[kethria]

Size 12 is not fat.  Sheesh.

Tell that to my mom...

[sparksals]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

Yes, that WILL hurt her feelings because the overweight friend will know what the outing is really about - a thinly veiled hint that she is obese.   

So, it's impolite to suggest to an overweight person that you engage in any activity that isn't completely sedentary?  I think that's going a bit far, because there are only so many things you can do that are a sit-down, sweat-free thing, and maybe the OP could frame it as if she wants to do something different and get active HERSELF, and she could use some company.

It is impolite if those types of activities are the only ones suggested and they have never done such things together.  The OP should take the lead from her friend.  IF friend suggests wanting to work out or get some exercise, then the OP could suggest going for a walk together. 

The overweight friend will definitely think it's a "message" if suddenly after seeing each other, this friend is suggesting exercise activities. 

[aloe]

Yep, my Dad thinks I'm fat at size 14-16.  I admit, I can stand to lose about 30 lbs and have a moderately chubby look, but I like myself regardless of weight.

My opinion is: Never tell a friend or family member that you're worried about their weight or health because of their weight or that they're fat.

It's rude, unnecessary and hurtful.  The motivation for the comment may be OK (worried about the health of a loved one, love and caring etc. but the end result is always hurt on the receiving end)

My SIL used to have a beautiful figure and now she is morbidly obese.  I think it's awful the way my Dad talks to my brother and other family members about it.
I can see the way he looks at her with disgust because of her weight.

I would never say anything to her about her weight.  She knows she is fat.  I like her fine just the way she is.

[sparksals]

Yep, my Dad thinks I'm fat at size 14-16.  I admit, I can stand to lose about 30 lbs and have a moderately chubby look, but I like myself regardless of weight.

My opinion is: Never tell a friend or family member that you're worried about their weight or health because of their weight or that they're fat.

It's rude, unnecessary and hurtful.  The motivation for the comment may be OK (worried about the health of a loved one, love and caring etc. but the end result is always hurt on the receiving end)

My SIL used to have a beautiful figure and now she is morbidly obese.  I think it's awful the way my Dad talks to my brother and other family members about it.
I can see the way he looks at her with disgust because of her weight.

I would never say anything to her about her weight.  She knows she is fat.  I like her fine just the way she is.

Hear! Hear!  I don't think people who have never been overweight quite understand how hurtful those comments are.  They may come from a motivation of concern and wanting to help, but 99% of the time, they are received as just another person not loving them for who they are. 

[freakyfemme]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

Yes, that WILL hurt her feelings because the overweight friend will know what the outing is really about - a thinly veiled hint that she is obese.   

So, it's impolite to suggest to an overweight person that you engage in any activity that isn't completely sedentary?  I think that's going a bit far, because there are only so many things you can do that are a sit-down, sweat-free thing, and maybe the OP could frame it as if she wants to do something different and get active HERSELF, and she could use some company.

It is impolite if those types of activities are the only ones suggested and they have never done such things together.  The OP should take the lead from her friend.  IF friend suggests wanting to work out or get some exercise, then the OP could suggest going for a walk together. 

The overweight friend will definitely think it's a "message" if suddenly after seeing each other, this friend is suggesting exercise activities. 

Maybe.......but, even when I was really overweight, if one of my friends, say, asked me if I wanted to go swimming, I never took it to mean anything other than "Hey, wanna go swimming?"  But then, I was still in high school then, so maybe the rules are different when you're young. 

Edited to add:  I'm still a size 14 (I'm 5'10ish and large-framed, though), so I'd be a bit weirded out if people were reluctant to ask me to do anything active with them, because then I'd think that they'd think that they were afraid of hurting my feelings by implying that I'm fat.  So, if the OP normally does those kinds of things with other friends, then I think it'd be fine to invite her overweight friend along.  The overweight friend doesn't have to say yes, and if she doesn't, the OP could take that as a hint and not ask again, but if she *does* say yes, and she ends up having fun, then no harm, no foul, right?

[sparksals]

I don't know if I'd say anything directly, but you could always suggest activities that involve some form of exercise, like, "Hey, Friend, I just joined an Aquafit class at the YMCA, want to come with me?"; or "Why don't we go for a bike ride on Saturday, you, me, and Son?  We can make a day of it, I'll bring a (healthy) picnic." That way, it's not criticism, but you can maybe help steer your friend in a positive direction, by providing fun, non-threatening physical activities to do, and healthy food choices, if you go for the bike ride/picnic option.  Anything involving water is usually a good bet too, because it's low-impact, so it won't hurt her feet.

Yes, that WILL hurt her feelings because the overweight friend will know what the outing is really about - a thinly veiled hint that she is obese.   

So, it's impolite to suggest to an overweight person that you engage in any activity that isn't completely sedentary?  I think that's going a bit far, because there are only so many things you can do that are a sit-down, sweat-free thing, and maybe the OP could frame it as if she wants to do something different and get active HERSELF, and she could use some company.

It is impolite if those types of activities are the only ones suggested and they have never done such things together.  The OP should take the lead from her friend.  IF friend suggests wanting to work out or get some exercise, then the OP could suggest going for a walk together. 

The overweight friend will definitely think it's a "message" if suddenly after seeing each other, this friend is suggesting exercise activities. 

Maybe.......but, even when I was really overweight, if one of my friends, say, asked me if I wanted to go swimming, I never took it to mean anything other than "Hey, wanna go swimming?"  But then, I was still in high school then, so maybe the rules are different when you're young. 

Edited to add:  I'm still a size 14 (I'm 5'10ish and large-framed, though), so I'd be a bit weirded out if people were reluctant to ask me to do anything active with them, because then I'd think that they'd think that they were afraid of hurting my feelings by implying that I'm fat.  So, if the OP normally does those kinds of things with other friends, then I think it'd be fine to invite her overweight friend along.  The overweight friend doesn't have to say yes, and if she doesn't, the OP could take that as a hint and not ask again, but if she *does* say yes, and she ends up having fun, then no harm, no foul, right?

That may be successful if the OP is one to do those things normally and the overweight friend knows it. 

The thing with being overweight (and I'm sure you know this since you've been there) is that we just want to be loved and accepted for who we are.   All these suggestions for exercise, changing eating patterns etc., may have good intentions, but if the o/w person doesn't want or isn't ready for the change, then why force it?  There are many o/w people who love themselves exactly as they are.  My point is why do people ignore that and want these people happy with themselves to change to suit their view of what is an acceptable look in society.

[Ki]

Since she's brought up her son's weight, I might ask questions about her son's problem - but not mention hers unless she brings it up.

My history on the subject:

I'm 4'9", and 160ish pounds (size 14-16).  Mom is 4'11", 165, size 16-18.  Dad is 5'8", 155, size 34 pants at age 56, with thyroid issues (he's the only one of us with those issues, AFAIK).  Mom is on me constantly about weight loss programs and exercise.  We live across the country from each other, and Mom will nag me over the phone.  Dad used to nag us both about it constantly.  Both drive me up the wall. 

I know they're concerned because I'm getting heavy at a young age (26).  Part of the reason I'm so heavy is from medications I took in the past - even with trying to eat right and going to the gym (with personal trainer guidance) or doing cardio at home *EVERY* *SINGLE* *NIGHT* for a *YEAR*, I didn't lose a single pound.  That was very discouraging, and makes me not even want to try sometimes.  So when Dad, who's in great shape, even with the thyroid problem, starts in, I want to scream at him, "I've tried!!!!"  When Mom, who's heavy in part because of medication, and in part because she eats whole cakes at a sitting (I wish I were exaggerating) and rarely exercises, starts in, I just want to laugh meanly and say "you first" (though I don't).

DBF is 6' and 280.  I said absolutely nothing about his weight until he brought up recently that he hates that his size 44 pants are getting tight and that shames him.  We both want to change and are ready to make some changes - we both bought different salads we like at the grocery store, stocked up on lean meats and easily cooked meals since we eat fast food too much, and we're checking out gyms on Friday.  We'd check them out earlier, but I have a foot injury from over a week ago that I'm just now able to walk on.

Bottom line - you might be able to show concern for her kid, since she brought it up.  But trust me, she probably knows why she's heavy, and she probably knows exactly what she needs to do to lose weight.  Everyone in her life, except you, has very likely given her all kinds of hints, some good, some bad, but mostly well-intentioned, and they haven't had a positive effect.  The idea of trying to lose even a moderate amount of weight can be overwhelming, and having friends and family harp on it is infuriating and embarrassing.  Eventually, she may decide to do it on her own - but she needs to make the decision herself, and she'll probably ask for support from her nearest and dearest when she does.  My advice is to wait for it.

[sparksals]

One other thing I'd like to mention, although I don't think it's the case with the OP's friend.  Alot of people are overweight because of a medical condition.  I have always struggled with my weight, but have gained alot in the last couple years. 

The reason?  It's not from being lazy or overeating.  I have osteoarthritis in my hip and spine.  Walking for a long period of time is painful for me because I have zero rotation/mobility in my right hip, which puts pressure on my spine.  I gained weight because my former exercise of choice was power walking, however, I just can't do that anymore. 

A day at the grocery store or Costco, a long walk from the car into the mall or any type of exercise that requires use of my hip is always painful for me.  My husband has to do the vacuuming because it hurts my spine too much to do it.  Pulling my wheeled carry on at the airport kills my spine because I have no rotation in my right hip.

I'm very limited in what I can do for exercise.  For me, it's very frustrating because I hate that I've gained so much weight.  I finally sought medical help, I go to physio twice a week where I ride the stationary bike and do stretching and other exercises.  I haven't lost any weight, but the exercises have helped my hip not be so sore when i walk.  I rarely walk with the limp I once had, but if I don't go to physio or do the exercises, the limp comes back. 

So, sometimes making a comment to someone who has gained weight can be extra hurtful because they just can't help it.  I would love to be able to exercise/power walk to get rid of some of this weight, but I'm extremely limited in what I can do. 

I'm lucky my insurance pays for 75 physio sessions/year.  However, the only help I have for my condition (which I am at a very young age to have) is pain meds because I'm too young for hip replacement surgery.  The Rhumatologist told me a surgeon wouldn't even look at me until I'm 50 or so.  What a crock that is.  In the meantime, my spine still has all the pressure on it and gawd knows what degeneration will happen in the 9 or so years I have to wait to be "eligible"  for a surgery that will make me able to function normally.

[Bethalize]

I can see the way he looks at her with disgust because of her weight.

I find that terribly sad. I regard people who judge like that on fatness as about as close as you can come to racism without involving skin colour. And it's 'okay' to sneer at fat people. Why? Because it's the only form of prejudice allowed these days. And that's because of the "They do it to themself" view.

What a difference in the replies to this thread than to the 13 year old girl thread.

[sparksals]

I can see the way he looks at her with disgust because of her weight.

I find that terribly sad. I regard people who judge like that on fatness as about as close as you can come to racism without involving skin colour. And it's 'okay' to sneer at fat people. Why? Because it's the only form of prejudice allowed these days. And that's because of the "They do it to themself" view.

What a difference in the replies to this thread than to the 13 year old girl thread.

That exact thought crossed my mind, too, Beth. 

[aloe]

I haven't seen the 13-year-old girl thread yet, but what you say is true.

It is discriminatory, hateful behavior akin to racism.  I think it's wrong in general to judge a person on their looks.  Fat people should never be sneered at.

I've been on both ends.  My whole life, up to age 30, I was a thin person who could eat anything I wanted without gaining weight.  My parents, my brother and I were all slim.  So growing up, I was never put down about my weight by my parents.

After age 30, I started putting on weight. 120 lbs--145 lbs--and now 165 lbs at 5'4".  Chubby, not morbidly obese.  I'm almost 51, been in menopause 7 years and I see no reason why I have to look like the slim 25-year-old I once was. 

One day in 2000, my Dad (who loves me dearly and is a great Dad otherwise) said to me, "I don't like the way you've been looking.  Your neck is fat.  It doesn't look healthy.  I'm worried about your health."

I told him shortly later, "It really hurts my feelings when you talk about my weight."

He hasn't said anything since about it. I do think it's a sign of shallowness and a deficiency in one's personality if a person concentrates too much on other peoples' weight. 

My brother has gotten fat. I'm not alone.  LOL

[ChristiKayAnn]

I can see the way he looks at her with disgust because of her weight.

I find that terribly sad. I regard people who judge like that on fatness as about as close as you can come to racism without involving skin colour. And it's 'okay' to sneer at fat people. Why? Because it's the only form of prejudice allowed these days. And that's because of the "They do it to themself" view.

I have noticed this for years. My little sister (LS) had a weight problem throughout her childhood. She was tortured about it by classmates (I think this has a lot to do with why she quit school as soon as she was legally able to do so.) When my parents went to the principal to complain about it and ask  that the school do something about the bullies they were told "kids will be kids" and "kids can be cruel" and a bunch of other platitudes. My mother said something alone the lines of "if she had been born without a leg and the kids were calling her gimpy I bet you would do something about that" (I love my mom) The principal answered "that's not the same thing at all" Sweet monkey fritters!!

Prejudice is prejudice whether we are talking about handicaps, skin, color, language, or weight. unfortunately it is acceptable in our culture to discriminate against fat people and it is so ingrained that it even crosses over into clothing prices (Have you ever noticed the price jump when you go from a "regular" size to a plus size even if it is an identical piece of clothing in all other ways) and no one says a thing.