Author Topic: One shower per guest?  (Read 5306 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

goldilocks

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 814
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2014, 03:00:19 PM »
I suppose if the honeymoon shower is intended for items needed on the honeymoon, fine.   I sort of thought it was intended as a money-grab to get money for the shower.

My stepdaugther says the girl is just clueless, and naturally assumes everyone will want to attend every single event related to her wedding.

for her bacholerette party she wanted to travel to another city, get tickets for a concert (approx $100 per ticket), then go for drinks and stay in pricey motel.  My stepdaughter told her that she couldn't afford all that -but she'd be happy to travel to other city, have drinks and hang out, then stay with relatives that she had there.   Many others apparently told her the same thing and she realized she couldnt' do it.

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5375
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2014, 03:14:15 PM »
I think it's better when someone is clueless but means well. It sounds like your stepdaughter is handling it well--she looks at the situation, decides what she personally feels like doing, and lets that be known cheerfully. And it seems like the bride is taking that in stride, and not throwing a fit or anything.
~Lynn2000

JeanFromBNA

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2298
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2014, 04:16:56 PM »
I think that the rules for showers should be:

1.  Never throw a shower for yourself (the honoree can have the shower at her place, but she cannot host and invite).
2.  One shower per guest, except MOB, MOG, and MOH.
3.  Nobody is obligated to attend any shower, including the MOB, MOG, and MOH.
3.  Thank you notes for gifts are required.

What do y'all think?


VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13077
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2014, 04:30:59 PM »
My first thought on reading the title was that the OP had house guests, not enough bathrooms, and somebody wanted to take more than one shower every day....which can use up a LOT of hot water & towels....

Then I found out that it was wedding showers....doesn't use hot water but some people feel like they are going to be in hot water financially if they have to buy another gift for every shower!

First thought - get a hostess set of serving pieces in the bride's pattern and break it into several "gift bags" - then add any left over pieces to a place setting or two (depending on total budget for shower & wedding gifts) as the wedding gift.  Anyone who thinks this is cheap can price six or more place settings of GOOD flatware and see if they still think that is cheap....

Second thought - one shower gift & "congratulations card" or possibly a package of things the bride might need....nice pen, stamps for thank you cards & the like, a small amount of really nice stationery (like REAL thank you cards - blank white or cream colored ones), or something to remember the day by (shower or wedding). 
« Last Edit: February 04, 2014, 04:34:36 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

LadyR

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1009
    • Musings of A Pinterest Mom
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2014, 11:26:54 PM »
I had two showers and a bachelorette party which was also a lingerie shower. The two showers had completely different guest lists except my mom, who attended one and threw the other (expected in my hometown). Technically one relative was invited to both, because she was unable to make the family shower for my side, so my mother asked my MIL to include her in the other shower.  The lingerie shower consisted of my bridesmaids and a few other close friends. It was the bridesmaids who decided on a lingerie shower, evne though four out of the five also attended my bridal showers. They didn't consider the bachelorette party the same thing as it was mostly a slumber party and the lingerie shower (which was a surprise to me) was in lieu of going out to a club. I assume they also cleared it with the 2 other guests who also attended showers, as they were related to the bridal party.

If the lingerie shower is in lieu of a bachelorette party I don't see the big deal, though I see from your update it is not. That's where I think the over-kill lies, in the fact that your daughter is inivted to so many evetns. I would just attend one and politely decline the rest.


z_squared82

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 480
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #20 on: February 19, 2014, 01:13:49 PM »
I think that the rules for showers should be:

1.  Never throw a shower for yourself (the honoree can have the shower at her place, but she cannot host and invite).
2.  One shower per guest, except MOB, MOG, and MOH.
3.  Nobody is obligated to attend any shower, including the MOB, MOG, and MOH.
3.  Thank you notes for gifts are required.

What do y'all think?

I think these are perfectly reasonable rules.

The only time I was invited to more than one shower was when I was the MOH (and the bride was my now SIL, and her own sister (matron of honor) was out of the country).

One of my cousins has five showers: Her mother's family, her father's family, her husband's family, her coworkers and her high school friends (with their mothers, it was like a tea). Her mom, who did bring something to each shower she was invited to (four of them), had to tell my cousin to QUIT writing her thank you notes. That cousin is kind of awesome.

MurPl1

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1003
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2014, 01:41:16 PM »
IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

Personally I'd rather see 3 small showers as described by the OP, than one giant extravaganza with 50-60 people.

whatsanenigma

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2018
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2014, 01:48:09 PM »
IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

Personally I'd rather see 3 small showers as described by the OP, than one giant extravaganza with 50-60 people.

I agree, especially if it involves three separate groups of people with little or no overlap.

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 848
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2014, 02:13:13 PM »
I don't think multiple showers are necessarily a problem. But multiple invitations to the same people can be a big problem.

If it's important to invite someone to more than one shower (so they can meet the other side of the family, or because they are bridesmaids, etc.), I would remind those people, after the first shower, that their presence is all you want at subsequent showers. 

In the OP's case, I'd choose the shower that most appealed to me or was the most convenient and go to that one.

bloo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1299
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2014, 04:59:28 PM »
Yeah I think 'one shower per guest' is a pretty good rule of thumb. If close girlfriends want to do a lingerie shower that might be one where I wouldn't bat an eye at going to a second shower (provided I'm close enough to the bride to be giving her lingerie or other such personal gifts).

My friend Dina went wild when her daughter got married. She had three showers for her daughter, Carrie, and had to be restrained from throwing a fourth by our mutual friend, Jeni ("...but Jeni, not all the items on the registries have been bought yet!"). All the same guests for all the showers. I went to two and passed on the Lingerie Shower as I wasn't close to Carrie, just to Dina. Dina also had us all help catering the event by asking all the guests to bring some dish while they barbecued a main dish. Le sigh.

Fortunately Dina calmed down for Carrie's second and third weddings. Very restrained and sedate and we were happy for her for all of them, but the bulk of eye-rolling just occurred on the first wedding. 

whatsanenigma

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2018
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #25 on: March 25, 2014, 10:57:43 AM »
I don't think multiple showers are necessarily a problem. But multiple invitations to the same people can be a big problem.

If it's important to invite someone to more than one shower (so they can meet the other side of the family, or because they are bridesmaids, etc.), I would remind those people, after the first shower, that their presence is all you want at subsequent showers. 

In the OP's case, I'd choose the shower that most appealed to me or was the most convenient and go to that one.

I agree.  I think there are situations where someone might be invited to multiple showers for legitimate reasons.  Maybe the bride is employed at the same place as her sister, for example.  If the other co-workers want to have a shower at  work, of course the sister would be invited.  And of course a friend that isn't employed at the same place might want to throw a shower for friends and family. 

The co-workers might not even know of the existence of the family and friends that would be invited to the second shower, and vice versa.  The one throwing the second shower might not even know about the bride's relationship with her other co-workers.  And if the two groups of people have never met before, intersecting only at the point of the sister, then inviting one person to both showers is not only acceptable, but inevitable, I would think.

That's kind of an extreme example, but there are probably many situations out there where certain people known to the bride would be in two or more overlapping social groups with the rest of the people known to the bride.  And each individual shower organizer would not even have a way of knowing that a given person was being invited to multiple showers and even if they did (as in my example with the sister at work) it wouldn't be appropriate to leave that person off the list of people invited.

In that case, though, I would really hope that the bride would be gracious enough to only expect one gift/card from that person, even if the person goes to all the showers...though I think if I were that person, I might maybe get a gift that consists of several little parts and give a bit at each one, just for fun. 

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28662
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #26 on: March 25, 2014, 11:17:07 AM »
IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

Personally I'd rather see 3 small showers as described by the OP, than one giant extravaganza with 50-60 people.

I agree, especially if it involves three separate groups of people with little or no overlap.

Yes. Remember, that the idea is that showers are arranged not by the HC, but by their friends. Many people have friends who don't know each other (work friends, old school friends, neighbours). The HC should not be forced to tell someone offering them a party, "Sorry, we can't do it, someone else already had one to which you were not invited".

However, guests should not feel obligated to give multiple gifts if they fall into an overlap area.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

gellchom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2278
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #27 on: March 25, 2014, 12:14:13 PM »
IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

Personally I'd rather see 3 small showers as described by the OP, than one giant extravaganza with 50-60 people.

I agree, especially if it involves three separate groups of people with little or no overlap.
So do I. 

I don't think that hard and fast rules are a great idea for this.  A sister or best friend might actually like to be included in everything.  Other times, people get invited as a courtesy when they won't be able to attend -- e.g. Grandma who lives far away.  No big deal to get more than one of those.

Ditto whether a guest should buy more than one shower gift if invited to more than one shower (I state this from the guests' perspective, not the bride's, because she should not be feeling entitled to even one gift, let alone multiples).  I think it just depends on your relationship to the bride, and if you are invited to more than one shower, unless it's due to a coincidence like being both, say, a cousin and a classmate, you are probably very close to the bride and/or the hosts.  I don't think you're obligated to buy multiple shower gifts in any case. 

Personally, I probably would bring some kind of gift to every shower I attended, although they would probably be much smaller gifts, even for a bride I'm very close to.  In addition to thinking of the bride, I also want to cooperate with what the hosts have planned, and I want their shower to succeed.  Anyway, if it's to be a small gift, because I am attending multiple showers, it probably isn't very much more than I would have spent on a hostess gift if it had been some other kind of party.

The one thing I wouldn't do -- and I know that not everyone feels this way! -- is bring a greeting card but no gift.  I'm not a big fan of greeting cards anyway, but I do sometimes use them.  To me, though, they are simply stationery or gift enclosures.  Yes, of course, a heartfelt note isn't worthless; indeed, it's priceless.  But to bring it to a shower and hand it to someone -- or have her open it during the shower? -- seems odd to me.  I mean, I would think that even those who do consider a greeting card a "gift" would agree that not every gift, even every great gift, is a good choice for a shower (a massage, for example!).  A letter is something you send someone, and it's personal, between the two of you; writing it on a printed greeting card doesn't change that, in my opinion.  A printed greeting card with little or nothing more than a signature -- well, actually, to me that is almost worthless; certainly not a nice gift.  If I weren't going to bring even a token gift, because I had already given (or will be giving) a substantial gift at another shower, I would just bring nothing.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30944
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #28 on: March 25, 2014, 02:02:58 PM »
I don't think you're obligated to buy multiple shower gifts in any case. 

In fact (I know bcs I've looked this up), etiquette books specifically say that you aren't.

Quote
Personally, I probably would bring some kind of gift to every shower I attended, although they would probably be much smaller gifts, even for a bride I'm very close to.  In addition to thinking of the bride, I also want to cooperate with what the hosts have planned, and I want their shower to succeed.  Anyway, if it's to be a small gift, because I am attending multiple showers, it probably isn't very much more than I would have spent on a hostess gift if it had been some other kind of party.
Ditto. I'd give the big gift at whatever shower I wanted, and I'd give little bitty things at every other shower.


Quote
The one thing I wouldn't do -- and I know that not everyone feels this way! -- is bring a greeting card but no gift.  I'm not a big fan of greeting cards anyway, but I do sometimes use them.  To me, though, they are simply stationery or gift enclosures.  Yes, of course, a heartfelt note isn't worthless; indeed, it's priceless.  But to bring it to a shower and hand it to someone -- or have her open it during the shower? -- seems odd to me.  I mean, I would think that even those who do consider a greeting card a "gift" would agree that not every gift, even every great gift, is a good choice for a shower (a massage, for example!).  A letter is something you send someone, and it's personal, between the two of you; writing it on a printed greeting card doesn't change that, in my opinion.  A printed greeting card with little or nothing more than a signature -- well, actually, to me that is almost worthless; certainly not a nice gift.  If I weren't going to bring even a token gift, because I had already given (or will be giving) a substantial gift at another shower, I would just bring nothing.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think a greeting card is a gift.
I feel sort of weird sometimes; it's nice to know I'm not alone in thinking of a card as stationery.

LawGeek

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Re: One shower per guest?
« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2014, 12:18:58 AM »
I'm the Matron of Honor for a wedding next year, and I think we'll need to have at least three showers.  Both the bride and groom are in the military, and come from different countries.  I suspect that a shower in his home country for his female relatives, a shower in her hometown, and a shower near her current base would cover it.  It would be very difficult to expect people at one location to travel to the others, as none of theses spots are less than 1,000 miles from each other.

I don't think this is ridiculous.