One shower per guest?

[goldilocks]

When my group was getting married (20 - 30 years ago), the rule was that you didn't invite the same person to more than one shower, except for the mothers, who came to all showers but may not have brought a gift to all.

So, I had a work shower that was my co-workers, a shower in the city where I was now living with friends and neighbors, and a shower in my home town.   No one was invited to more than one of these.

My step daughter has been invited to 3 showers for the same bride.   Apparently all are a different theme - one is a lingerie shower (really, you can't buy your own?), a honeymoon shower ( I have no comment) and a general shower.  I advised her to pick one and attend and send regrets for the other 2. 

[rashea]

Sounds right to me.

And can I just say, the idea of picking out what someone else will wear on their wedding night is so icky I can't even imagine the thought process.

[TootsNYC]

You're absolutely spot-on with your advice.

It's possible each shower has a different hostess, and the GOH thought that conflicts with scheduling might mean that people would miss the one shower they were invited to, and that they'd like to know about all the showers so they could at least attend one.

Honeymoon showers are really pretty common--sunscreen, travel books, and nighties are common gifts.
   I don't know that lingerie is that weird a gift among friends. It's weird among family members, esp. sort of distant ones (an aunt of my DH's gave me a nightie and peignoir; that felt weird!).

[Mergatroyd]

I've never had a "shower" in my whole life (I'm married, 2 kids) so forgive me I'm inserting my foot in my mouth, but why are so many needed, and are guests expected to also give gifts after the event (in the case of a wedding)? Furthermore, why do all these people attending even give a hoot? If it is tradition, then I can perhaps see one party, but three just really seems a gimmee-grab.  if they are all invited to the wedding, why can't they all be invited to one shower? If they are not invited to the wedding, why are they even hearing about it?

[esposita]

I agree, attend one and send regrets to the two others.

Where I live, lingerie showers are quite common and lots of fun!

Edited to add a big ole pod to Toots. I meant to when I started, but forgot as I was typing!

[Lynn2000]

I feel you're generally correct, that there should be little to no overlap in the guest lists of the showers. I think an exception is often made in the case of very close relatives, like parents/siblings; and for a wedding, I've noticed that the bridal party is usually invited to all the showers.

With my friend Amy, I was invited to both of her wedding showers, and both of her baby showers (same baby). For both the only overlap I remember was immediate family and me (and the bridal party for the wedding showers), so I took it as a compliment, that she considered me nearly family. For the wedding showers, I got her a "regular" gift for the first one, and for the second, I didn't get her a gift but rather wrote her a nice note inside a card. One of the bridesmaids, who had also been invited to both showers, was kind of anxious/resentful about having to give a gift at both, and wouldn't believe me when I said she didn't need to, or could go with a much smaller gift the second time.

So I think the guest could attend one shower and decline the others; give a gift at the first one and attend the others empty-handed or with a token gift; or split their gift budget equally between all the showers.

I think lingerie showers are a know-your-audience thing. Not the right audience? The one my cousin had with all her female relatives, including her underage cousins.  Not that it was terribly racy or anything, in fact I think that was the problem--no one wanted to get racy in front of Grandma and little Lynnie, so it was a rather dull affair of watching my cousin open up a lot of bottles of massage oil. I was thinking, "Gosh, that nightie looks cold," and "I didn't realize she liked massages so much."

[purple]

IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

[shhh its me]

 POD she can go to one or go to all three and give either a card only or a token gift at the other two.

MY personal rule re lingerie....... if i had an accident while wearing it will my first thought before, "take me to the hospital ", be "let me change first , no really put the phone down don't call 911 till I change" then I prefer to make that purchase myself.  There are plenty of things called lingerie/available from a lingerie store that I would wear to the hospital.    IT really is know your audience.

[Lady Snowdon]

I had three showers - one with DH's family, one with my family, and one with some friends.  The shower with my family consisted of my mom and I meeting my two aunts for lunch at a restaurant, and they gave me some small gifts and cards.  The one with my friends was a "blue elephant" gift, which was like a white elephant gifting, except it should be blue, since that's my favorite color.  I got notebooks, some pens/pencils, dice, all sorts of random stuff.  It was actually very awesome, because it was so random and off the wall.  The one with DH's family was the most "traditional" shower, and I found it not fun at all.  I was the center of attention while opening presents, but the rest of it was done with regard to what other people liked/wanted and not what I would have wanted.  So I was very uncomfortable because I couldn't eat the food, only had water to drink (because apparently I was the first person over 21 the hostess had ever encountered who didn't drink alcohol), and didn't know how to play the shower games that everyone else knew. 

That being said, all of my showers were with very different groups of people, who would never have been invited to my other showers (my mom and aunts live in a different state!), so I didn't feel that having so many showers was a terrible faux pas. 

Three showers for the same set of guests is pretty terrible though.  I agree with the "accept one, decline two" idea, if she wants to go at all. 

[cattlekid]

I had to laugh at the lingerie shower idea.  When we got married, we had a big family shower hosted by DH's family.  It was well known that the gifts at these family showers were nothing racier than a bath towel.  It was also well known that the groom was a GOH as well as the bride and that the rest of the groomsmen were to show up at the end of the shower to help pack up and transport the gifts.

Cue DH's best friend's grandmother who was SHOCKED that her grandson was to attend a shower....what if *gasp* there was _lingerie?? I gently told her that no lingerie would be gifted and her grandson's (a man who was 33 years old at the time) virgin eyes would be unsullied.   

[Lynn2000]

I had three showers - one with DH's family, one with my family, and one with some friends.  The shower with my family consisted of my mom and I meeting my two aunts for lunch at a restaurant, and they gave me some small gifts and cards.  The one with my friends was a "blue elephant" gift, which was like a white elephant gifting, except it should be blue, since that's my favorite color.  I got notebooks, some pens/pencils, dice, all sorts of random stuff.  It was actually very awesome, because it was so random and off the wall. 

OT: The blue elephant shower sounds awesome! I would do it with purple...

[TootsNYC]

IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

I disagree with this. Perhaps it's because I had, what, 4 of them?

Let's see:
    1) long-distance memory shower organized by my best friend; guests: my family & college/hometown friends
    2) honeymoon shower (guide books, warm jammies, etc.) organized by my roommate; guests: my local friends
    3) household shower organized by my MIL; guests: my DH's family, and local friends connected to him (no overlap, actually--well, no, my roommate)
    4) linen shower organized by my mom's best friend; guests: my hometown older female friends (church ladies, babysitting clients, etc.; again, no overlap; and no overlap in gifts either, actually)

Each of those was a gathering initiated by someone else; there was no possibility of an overlap, they weren't in the same place; and each of them was a wonderful gathering full of good wishes.

Maybe I'm just doing the "I did it, so it can't be wrong/rude" thing, but I genuinely don't think so.

[kareng57]

I've never had a "shower" in my whole life (I'm married, 2 kids) so forgive me I'm inserting my foot in my mouth, but why are so many needed, and are guests expected to also give gifts after the event (in the case of a wedding)? Furthermore, why do all these people attending even give a hoot? If it is tradition, then I can perhaps see one party, but three just really seems a gimmee-grab.  if they are all invited to the wedding, why can't they all be invited to one shower? If they are not invited to the wedding, why are they even hearing about it?

I hear your pain.   I got married nearly 34 years ago and did not have any showers - mainly because I politely spread the word (when I heard that people might have been planning on hosting them) that I did not want any.  We were already combining the basic stuff from two households and didn't need any more, considering that we were getting wedding presents, besides.

However, when showers are considered to be a "must", it's definitely incorrect for any guest to be invited to more than one.  Years ago, shower gifts were intended to be inexpensive ($10 - $20 in today's $$$).  These days, it's $50+ generally so it can be quite a burden to attend more than one, and give a pricey wedding present besides.

[lowspark]

You're absolutely spot-on with your advice.

It's possible each shower has a different hostess, and the GOH thought that conflicts with scheduling might mean that people would miss the one shower they were invited to, and that they'd like to know about all the showers so they could at least attend one.

Your step daughter knows the bride -- is it that she's a gimme pig or is it what Toots suggested above? If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, then just attribute it to hoping everyone could attend one. Not only for scheduling conflicts but maybe the bride just didn't know who would be comfortable (or not) with the lingerie shower and figured by inviting people to all three, those who didn't want to do the lingerie one would have other options.

Anyway, yeah, I would do exactly what you've advised your step daughter to do. Pick one to attend and decline the others.

[Lynn2000]

IMO, 3 showers for the same bride is ridiculous!
Never mind the 'one shower per guest rule', to me the rule is 'one shower per bride'!

I disagree with this. Perhaps it's because I had, what, 4 of them?

Let's see:
    1) long-distance memory shower organized by my best friend; guests: my family & college/hometown friends
    2) honeymoon shower (guide books, warm jammies, etc.) organized by my roommate; guests: my local friends
    3) household shower organized by my MIL; guests: my DH's family, and local friends connected to him (no overlap, actually--well, no, my roommate)
    4) linen shower organized by my mom's best friend; guests: my hometown older female friends (church ladies, babysitting clients, etc.; again, no overlap; and no overlap in gifts either, actually)

Each of those was a gathering initiated by someone else; there was no possibility of an overlap, they weren't in the same place; and each of them was a wonderful gathering full of good wishes.

Maybe I'm just doing the "I did it, so it can't be wrong/rude" thing, but I genuinely don't think so.

POD, I don't think it's inherently rude to have multiple showers for the same event.

As far as I know, the only rules are that you shouldn't throw one for yourself; the guest lists shouldn't overlap; and all the guests should also be invited to the wedding. And even then there are exceptions to all of these rules--like a "work shower," especially if organized as a surprise, doesn't mean you now have to invite all your co-workers to the wedding. But, you know, people have different preferences about what they want to do or feel comfortable with organizing for someone else--we say "rules" but like almost everything in etiquette they are dynamic and open to interpretation.