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Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75

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Alli8098:
I hope I'm putting this in the right place, if not moderators please let me know where it should go. Here is some background on the situation.

I have a friend "E" I've know for the last 4 years that is a few years younger then me (I'm in my early 30's, she's in her mid 20's).  We were more like friendly acquaintances then friends until maybe a year ago.  That is about when her boyfriend left the service and moved in with her and her young daughter.  "E" and I belong to the same faith, my husband is not a member and neither is her boyfriend.  I only mention this because when her boyfriend found out he wanted to get to know us more since the dynamics were similar. Moving on, they've invited us over for dinners and have even helped us out with transportation issues when my husband's car crapped out (we gave them gas money).  Basically the relationship progressed from acquaintances to friends. 

Well long before they officially got engaged (4 days ago) she started wedding planning.  She asked me early on if I would help and MIGHT have asked me about being a bridesmaid, I can't really remember the bridesmaid part.  In November we hit some financial difficulties when I had to leave my job, and my husband got injured at work, and more difficult situations kept arising. (we are still waiting for the claim on that).  I told some close friends that we were not going to make our December rent as I just needed a shoulder.  The next thing I know I get a message from "E" who told me she wanted to help with giving us some of the extra money that she gets from her tips (she's a massage therapist).  I should have said no, she handed me some cash when she had invited me over for a spa party.  I used it for some groceries and to pay our electric bill so we wouldn't get shut off.  To help her out in a way I could I baked special cookies for her spa parties (she can't bake, her words), and helped her sell her products at a Christmas fair.  When she found out we were being evicted she suddenly starts sending me these angry messages.  She can't believe we are still getting evicted even though she have given us money and accused us of using it to pay for a gym membership.  I haven't stepped foot in a gym in 5+ years, we have a fitness center at our apartment complex.  We are still trying to figure out where the gym thing came from.  Either way I should have never taken any money from her and I normally don't take money from anybody, I admit I was desperate when I couldn't even buy peanut butter.  I should have known she would do something like this.  She has "gone off" on other friends of hers over nothing before.  I even consoled her when she told me that a friends husband gave her the cut direct telling her that she was a bully and not to contact his wife anymore. 

To not make this too much longer at the end of these messages when I finally remind her of why we don't have the money for Dec's rent.  And convince her that we don't have a gym membership and that the apartment management won't take partial payments on the rent she apologizes (by a miracle we avoided eviction and are slowly getting back on our feet).  However my husband and I have a sour taste in our mouths over the whole fiasco, and yes we will be paying her back as we planned to anyway.  End Background

Yesterday I am included on a group message on her Facebook for bridesmaid dresses.  All I can think is "Dear God I'm not getting involved in this wedding!".  How do I tell her that while I wish her and her fiance the best I can't be involved with her anymore, nor be involved in this wedding?  She has shown that at a moment's notice she be quite irrational and a bully.  I am currently pregnant and just had my gall-bladder out after being super sick for 3 months.  We had to wait until I was in my second trimester for the surgery to be safe for the baby.  Right now I have no patience and no time for her drama.  I'm trying to find a new job, new daycare for my 4 year old, and plan a move in the summer just before I'm due.  I can't emotionally vest myself with her wedding, not when she's so unpredictable.  And yes I understand that I shouldn't have taken any money from her, that lesson is learned and won't happen again with anyone.  I just need advice on how to tell her I'm not interested in being a bridesmaid or involved with her wedding.

Only me:
Hi

Wow, you're plate is full. Congrats on the baby.

Can you respond something like "dresses look nice, hope the bridesmaids enjoy them". Although I am betting there is a better suggestion from someone else :). I do believe you should make sure that something is said so that you figure out if you were supposed to be a bridesmaid or not.

Onlyme

Eeep!:

--- Quote from: Alli8098 on February 04, 2014, 03:37:27 PM ---I hope I'm putting this in the right place, if not moderators please let me know where it should go. Here is some background on the situation.

I have a friend "E" I've know for the last 4 years that is a few years younger then me (I'm in my early 30's, she's in her mid 20's).  We were more like friendly acquaintances then friends until maybe a year ago.  That is about when her boyfriend left the service and moved in with her and her young daughter.  "E" and I belong to the same faith, my husband is not a member and neither is her boyfriend.  I only mention this because when her boyfriend found out he wanted to get to know us more since the dynamics were similar. Moving on, they've invited us over for dinners and have even helped us out with transportation issues when my husband's car crapped out (we gave them gas money).  Basically the relationship progressed from acquaintances to friends. 

Well long before they officially got engaged (4 days ago) she started wedding planning.  She asked me early on if I would help and MIGHT have asked me about being a bridesmaid, I can't really remember the bridesmaid part.  In November we hit some financial difficulties when I had to leave my job, and my husband got injured at work, and more difficult situations kept arising. (we are still waiting for the claim on that).  I told some close friends that we were not going to make our December rent as I just needed a shoulder.  The next thing I know I get a message from "E" who told me she wanted to help with giving us some of the extra money that she gets from her tips (she's a massage therapist).  I should have said no, she handed me some cash when she had invited me over for a spa party.  I used it for some groceries and to pay our electric bill so we wouldn't get shut off.  To help her out in a way I could I baked special cookies for her spa parties (she can't bake, her words), and helped her sell her products at a Christmas fair.  When she found out we were being evicted she suddenly starts sending me these angry messages.  She can't believe we are still getting evicted even though she have given us money and accused us of using it to pay for a gym membership.  I haven't stepped foot in a gym in 5+ years, we have a fitness center at our apartment complex.  We are still trying to figure out where the gym thing came from.  Either way I should have never taken any money from her and I normally don't take money from anybody, I admit I was desperate when I couldn't even buy peanut butter.  I should have known she would do something like this.  She has "gone off" on other friends of hers over nothing before.  I even consoled her when she told me that a friends husband gave her the cut direct telling her that she was a bully and not to contact his wife anymore. 

To not make this too much longer at the end of these messages when I finally remind her of why we don't have the money for Dec's rent.  And convince her that we don't have a gym membership and that the apartment management won't take partial payments on the rent she apologizes (by a miracle we avoided eviction and are slowly getting back on our feet).  However my husband and I have a sour taste in our mouths over the whole fiasco, and yes we will be paying her back as we planned to anyway.  End Background

Yesterday I am included on a group message on her Facebook for bridesmaid dresses.  All I can think is "Dear God I'm not getting involved in this wedding!".  How do I tell her that while I wish her and her fiance the best I can't be involved with her anymore, nor be involved in this wedding?  She has shown that at a moment's notice she be quite irrational and a bully.  I am currently pregnant and just had my gall-bladder out after being super sick for 3 months.  We had to wait until I was in my second trimester for the surgery to be safe for the baby.  Right now I have no patience and no time for her drama.  I'm trying to find a new job, new daycare for my 4 year old, and plan a move in the summer just before I'm due.  I can't emotionally vest myself with her wedding, not when she's so unpredictable.  And yes I understand that I shouldn't have taken any money from her, that lesson is learned and won't happen again with anyone.  I just need advice on how to tell her I'm not interested in being a bridesmaid or involved with her wedding.

--- End quote ---

I think you need to stop beating yourself up over taking the money.  While money can make things tricky, sometimes it can be a lifesaver and helping friends out in a bind really isn't outside the realm of what friends do.  Now you know THIS person isn't a real giver.  But there are plenty of people who would do that exact same thing to help out their friend and it would never come up again.  (You explanation made it sound like this was offered as a gift, not a loan, right?) I think it sounds like your "friend" had set herself up in her head as your Savior.  And when life intervened with that picture she got pissed.  And exactly for that reason I totally agree to completely avoid the whole wedding as she will likely set herself up as "The Bride" and woe betide anyone who screws that up.
As far as what to do, I would just tell her briefly thank you for the offer but you just can't make that type of commitment right now.  If she gets mad, oh well. It was bound to happen anyway, right?

As an aside, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. :(

TurtleDove:
I think you repay the money and then tell her that you cannot be in her wedding and then stay away from her and block her numbers if you have decided to do a cut direct.  Borrow the money from someone else if you have to, but I think you have to pay back the money (possibly with interest) and then be done.

Hmmmmm:
You didn't ask for any, but hugs for all you are going through right now. It does sound like putting distance between yourself and this woman is the wisest solution.

I'd email or PM her with the following.

Friendsname, I know we had discussed my helping out with the wedding planning but that was before circumstances in our lives changed. I wish you and fiance'sname well and hope the best for your marriage. But this is not a good time for me to participate in a wedding. I know you will understand.
Alli

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