Author Topic: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75  (Read 12124 times)

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kckgirl

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2014, 04:28:17 PM »
I agree with Toots (as I usually do). Return the money and tell her you cannot participate in the wedding due to your current circumstances. Don't tell her you're not going to be friends anymore. Just do it by being unavailable.
Maryland

Alli8098

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2014, 04:31:15 PM »
TwoRavens and Hmmmm, that's why I edited my last post to include that it looks like I've been using the wrong term for what I want to do.  I have now learned what the cut direct really is, and this is not what I want to do.  As some probably already think I might be I'm not a cold callous person, nor want to be towards her.  I just don't think it is healthy for me to be involved with her anymore.

Margo

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2014, 04:50:17 PM »
I posted a reply, but my computer ate it :-(

Are you sure that she now intends you to be a bridesmaid?

If so, I would speak to her (directly if you can, bit by e-mail if you have to) Explain that it is a little awkward, that it seems there has been a mis-communication, as until she sent the mail about the dresses you had not realised that she was considering you as a possible bridesmaid. Explain that unfortunately, due to your health and other family and personal issues, you are not in a position to be part of her wedding party.
I think the tone to take is to be clear that this is about *you* being *unable* to participate (if pushed, don't go into details, reiterate that it isn't possible, and if you have to, say it is for reasons of health (which it is; you don't need stress related illnesses on top of a pregnancy and recent surgery, and prevention is better than cure!)

The money she gave/lent you is a completely separate issue.

I hope that she won't try to link the two or to try to pressure you into being a bridesmaid after you have turned her down. If she does, it might work to appeal to her generosity ("We are so grateful for the help you gave us when we needed it. We really appreciated your support, and I know that you are far too generous and considerate a person to try to talk me into being in your wedding party now that I have explained that it won't be possible. I really appreciate your understanding that this is not something I can do"   This makes it harder for her to turn round and say that actually, she isn't considerate or understanding enough to accept your decline, and gives her a graceful way out - if she likes the idea of being seen as generou and helping you out, you've given her a way to see herself in the same light by accepting your refusal.

When is the wedding? A "How kind of you to ask me, but I can't possibly accept - I would not want to take the risk that I'd have to drop out at the last minute due to my pregnancy / birth of the baby / recurrance of any health problems"

Good luck!

Fleur

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2014, 04:55:07 PM »
maybe i'm not getting it, but i don't think it would be fair of you to back out of the wedding. in fact, i'm not sure how you're not sure whether or not you said yes to being her bridesmaid. this person seems to have been pretty supportive of you (helping with transportation issues, giving you money which you accepted) so you've received her help and support. now that she would like your help and support by being present at her wedding you don't want to be there? the relationship seems one-sided and i think it would be unfair to back out at this point.

I admit I feel this way as well.  My earlier response was based on my understanding that the OP has decided to give this person the cut direct.  But taking that out of the equation, yes, I feel the OP is being unfair.  I would not take money from a friend and expect it to not affect the friendship.  In my experience, it always does, and not in a good way.  Since the OP did take the money, I think she needs to pay it back ASAP especially if she intends to now block this person from her life.

Normally I totally agree with your practical stance on issues, but this time I'm not so sure. I think that a gift is a gift, and should not come with strings. The OP was reluctant to accept it in the first place, and is keen to admit her mistake. I don't see how she is being unfair to the Bride at all. Bride seems like an SS to me.

Alli8098

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #19 on: February 04, 2014, 04:56:38 PM »
Thank you Margo, at one time the wedding was set for this September.  But then she was sending me messages this last October that it might be postponed for a year because her boyfriend was still not working so they didn't have money to put deposits down.  He is working now but I have no idea when this wedding will be, and she hasn't even mentioned anything to me about it for months now.  This group message just came out of the blue.  She found a very specific bridesmaid dress and listed the message as something to her bridesmaids.

Sharnita

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #20 on: February 04, 2014, 04:57:55 PM »
I definitely think it is reasonable to tell her you can not be in her wedding.  Even if she hadn't made strange accusations/implications it would be reasonable to tell her that you need to prioritize survival over bridal participation.  Any rational person should understand that. 
I would let her know that you will be contacting her with a schedule in regards to a repayment plan. Even if she tells you it is/was a gift, the cost of being interrogated seems a bit too high so I would stick with the decision to repay her.
Best wishes as you work this out. I'm sorry she couldn't be a supportive friend when you needed it.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2014, 05:25:48 PM »
Thank you all, I had to change the name of the thread.  Again I was definitely using the wrong term and I think therefore giving the wrong impression of my intentions.

TurtleDove

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #22 on: February 04, 2014, 05:28:14 PM »
maybe i'm not getting it, but i don't think it would be fair of you to back out of the wedding. in fact, i'm not sure how you're not sure whether or not you said yes to being her bridesmaid. this person seems to have been pretty supportive of you (helping with transportation issues, giving you money which you accepted) so you've received her help and support. now that she would like your help and support by being present at her wedding you don't want to be there? the relationship seems one-sided and i think it would be unfair to back out at this point.

I admit I feel this way as well.  My earlier response was based on my understanding that the OP has decided to give this person the cut direct.  But taking that out of the equation, yes, I feel the OP is being unfair.  I would not take money from a friend and expect it to not affect the friendship.  In my experience, it always does, and not in a good way.  Since the OP did take the money, I think she needs to pay it back ASAP especially if she intends to now block this person from her life.

Normally I totally agree with your practical stance on issues, but this time I'm not so sure. I think that a gift is a gift, and should not come with strings. The OP was reluctant to accept it in the first place, and is keen to admit her mistake. I don't see how she is being unfair to the Bride at all. Bride seems like an SS to me.

With the updates, I agree with you!  I was basing my "unfair" statement on an actual cut direct, which to me seemed over the top for the situation.  The OP clarified and her stance makes sense now, in my opinion.  :)

JenJay

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #23 on: February 04, 2014, 05:55:00 PM »
So don't announce that you won't want anything to do with her.

Get her the money back, and then say, "as you know, money is so tight for us. I'm not sure if you were thinking of asking me to be a bridesmaid, since you sent that email about the dresses but just in case, I wanted to be sure you knew that I just cannot afford it."

And then fade out. Don't respond to emails much, don't make plans to get together, etc. Be vague and pleasant.

I agree. Tell her how happy you are for her but sadly you can't afford to be in the wedding.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #24 on: February 04, 2014, 06:05:55 PM »
I think I will have to be completely honest with her about money.  I have to save for move, and baby furniture.  My daughter's baby furniture did not survive our last move unfortunately.  I am due July 19th and hopefully won't have complications like I did with our daughter.  She was taken via c-section two-weeks early due to my blood pressure.  So we will be moving around July 1st and I'm trying to do everything I can now to prepare for that and keep my health under control to try to get to my due date this time.  So basically I must save for this move, and getting stuff for the baby.  We managed to hold on to a lot of expensive baby items but will need a crib and changing table/dresser.  The funds for a bridesmaid dress and accessories will just not be there.  And hopefully I can find a new job soon before I really start showing.  I had applied to and was hired at the Post Office as a carrier before I found out I was pregnant.  I got so sick due to my gall bladder that I was not able to take the job and now I can't meet the physical demands of that job.  So I'll fall back on my years of customer service experience and try to find something there.  I really do hope she has a great wedding and happy life.  But right now my focus is on my family.

TootsNYC

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #25 on: February 04, 2014, 06:11:33 PM »
I think I will have to be completely honest with her about money.  I have to save for move, and baby furniture.  My daughter's baby furniture did not survive our last move unfortunately.  I am due July 19th and hopefully won't have complications like I did with our daughter.  She was taken via c-section two-weeks early due to my blood pressure.  So we will be moving around July 1st and I'm trying to do everything I can now to prepare for that and keep my health under control to try to get to my due date this time.  So basically I must save for this move, and getting stuff for the baby.  We managed to hold on to a lot of expensive baby items but will need a crib and changing table/dresser.  The funds for a bridesmaid dress and accessories will just not be there.  And hopefully I can find a new job soon before I really start showing.  I had applied to and was hired at the Post Office as a carrier before I found out I was pregnant.  I got so sick due to my gall bladder that I was not able to take the job and now I can't meet the physical demands of that job.  So I'll fall back on my years of customer service experience and try to find something there.  I really do hope she has a great wedding and happy life.  But right now my focus is on my family.


Don't give her this much detail. Don't give her any detail. It somehow implies that you think you have to justify your decision to her.

Just say, "Money's tight for us, you know that better than anyone." Stop right there.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2014, 06:18:15 PM »
TootNYC, I wasn't planning on giving her all that info.  All she needs to know is that financially I have to take care of my family so a wedding is out of my budget.  And not necessarily in those words, just short and sweet.  I'll giver her her money and thank her for her graciousness when I was struggling.

Kaypeep

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2014, 06:18:55 PM »
I agree with the others that you need to make it clear that you can't participate. But I would not say you can't afford it, or at least, not say that alone.  Usually we advise not to JADE (justify, argue, defend,explain) but  think this case warrants it. If you say you can't afford it she may offer to cover the costs. Then you're back to square one.  I would tell her that with money being tight, a baby on the way and still recovering from medical issues, you have way too much on your plate to be an active member of any bridal parties.  Tell her you and your DH would look forward to attending the wedding as guests if that's a possibility, but it's simply not possible to be a bridesmaid at this time.

padua

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2014, 07:15:30 PM »
maybe i'm not getting it, but i don't think it would be fair of you to back out of the wedding. in fact, i'm not sure how you're not sure whether or not you said yes to being her bridesmaid. this person seems to have been pretty supportive of you (helping with transportation issues, giving you money which you accepted) so you've received her help and support. now that she would like your help and support by being present at her wedding you don't want to be there? the relationship seems one-sided and i think it would be unfair to back out at this point.

I admit I feel this way as well.  My earlier response was based on my understanding that the OP has decided to give this person the cut direct.  But taking that out of the equation, yes, I feel the OP is being unfair.  I would not take money from a friend and expect it to not affect the friendship.  In my experience, it always does, and not in a good way.  Since the OP did take the money, I think she needs to pay it back ASAP especially if she intends to now block this person from her life.

Normally I totally agree with your practical stance on issues, but this time I'm not so sure. I think that a gift is a gift, and should not come with strings. The OP was reluctant to accept it in the first place, and is keen to admit her mistake. I don't see how she is being unfair to the Bride at all. Bride seems like an SS to me.

With the updates, I agree with you!  I was basing my "unfair" statement on an actual cut direct, which to me seemed over the top for the situation.  The OP clarified and her stance makes sense now, in my opinion.  :)

ditto, ditto, ditto. the additional information put a much better light on things.

BarensMom

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #29 on: February 04, 2014, 07:43:52 PM »
Alli, wait until she contacts you directly about being a bridesmaid, then simply say that your health and finances preclude you participating in her wedding preparations.  Something like, "I'm sorry (friend's name), but I can't afford it and, health wise, I just can't do it."  Repeat as needed to both her and any mutual friends.

As far as backing away from the friendship, just be unavailable and vague, as in:  you're not feeling well, in the middle of packing, on the way to the doctor, on bed rest, etc. etc.