Author Topic: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75  (Read 13683 times)

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Alli8098

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Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75
« on: February 04, 2014, 03:37:27 PM »
I hope I'm putting this in the right place, if not moderators please let me know where it should go. Here is some background on the situation.

I have a friend "E" I've know for the last 4 years that is a few years younger then me (I'm in my early 30's, she's in her mid 20's).  We were more like friendly acquaintances then friends until maybe a year ago.  That is about when her boyfriend left the service and moved in with her and her young daughter.  "E" and I belong to the same faith, my husband is not a member and neither is her boyfriend.  I only mention this because when her boyfriend found out he wanted to get to know us more since the dynamics were similar. Moving on, they've invited us over for dinners and have even helped us out with transportation issues when my husband's car crapped out (we gave them gas money).  Basically the relationship progressed from acquaintances to friends. 

Well long before they officially got engaged (4 days ago) she started wedding planning.  She asked me early on if I would help and MIGHT have asked me about being a bridesmaid, I can't really remember the bridesmaid part.  In November we hit some financial difficulties when I had to leave my job, and my husband got injured at work, and more difficult situations kept arising. (we are still waiting for the claim on that).  I told some close friends that we were not going to make our December rent as I just needed a shoulder.  The next thing I know I get a message from "E" who told me she wanted to help with giving us some of the extra money that she gets from her tips (she's a massage therapist).  I should have said no, she handed me some cash when she had invited me over for a spa party.  I used it for some groceries and to pay our electric bill so we wouldn't get shut off.  To help her out in a way I could I baked special cookies for her spa parties (she can't bake, her words), and helped her sell her products at a Christmas fair.  When she found out we were being evicted she suddenly starts sending me these angry messages.  She can't believe we are still getting evicted even though she have given us money and accused us of using it to pay for a gym membership.  I haven't stepped foot in a gym in 5+ years, we have a fitness center at our apartment complex.  We are still trying to figure out where the gym thing came from.  Either way I should have never taken any money from her and I normally don't take money from anybody, I admit I was desperate when I couldn't even buy peanut butter.  I should have known she would do something like this.  She has "gone off" on other friends of hers over nothing before.  I even consoled her when she told me that a friends husband gave her the cut direct telling her that she was a bully and not to contact his wife anymore. 

To not make this too much longer at the end of these messages when I finally remind her of why we don't have the money for Dec's rent.  And convince her that we don't have a gym membership and that the apartment management won't take partial payments on the rent she apologizes (by a miracle we avoided eviction and are slowly getting back on our feet).  However my husband and I have a sour taste in our mouths over the whole fiasco, and yes we will be paying her back as we planned to anyway.  End Background

Yesterday I am included on a group message on her Facebook for bridesmaid dresses.  All I can think is "Dear God I'm not getting involved in this wedding!".  How do I tell her that while I wish her and her fiance the best I can't be involved with her anymore, nor be involved in this wedding?  She has shown that at a moment's notice she be quite irrational and a bully.  I am currently pregnant and just had my gall-bladder out after being super sick for 3 months.  We had to wait until I was in my second trimester for the surgery to be safe for the baby.  Right now I have no patience and no time for her drama.  I'm trying to find a new job, new daycare for my 4 year old, and plan a move in the summer just before I'm due.  I can't emotionally vest myself with her wedding, not when she's so unpredictable.  And yes I understand that I shouldn't have taken any money from her, that lesson is learned and won't happen again with anyone.  I just need advice on how to tell her I'm not interested in being a bridesmaid or involved with her wedding.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 05:38:54 PM by Alli8098 »

Only me

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 03:48:21 PM »
Hi

Wow, you're plate is full. Congrats on the baby.

Can you respond something like "dresses look nice, hope the bridesmaids enjoy them". Although I am betting there is a better suggestion from someone else :). I do believe you should make sure that something is said so that you figure out if you were supposed to be a bridesmaid or not.

Onlyme

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 03:49:05 PM »
I hope I'm putting this in the right place, if not moderators please let me know where it should go. Here is some background on the situation.

I have a friend "E" I've know for the last 4 years that is a few years younger then me (I'm in my early 30's, she's in her mid 20's).  We were more like friendly acquaintances then friends until maybe a year ago.  That is about when her boyfriend left the service and moved in with her and her young daughter.  "E" and I belong to the same faith, my husband is not a member and neither is her boyfriend.  I only mention this because when her boyfriend found out he wanted to get to know us more since the dynamics were similar. Moving on, they've invited us over for dinners and have even helped us out with transportation issues when my husband's car crapped out (we gave them gas money).  Basically the relationship progressed from acquaintances to friends. 

Well long before they officially got engaged (4 days ago) she started wedding planning.  She asked me early on if I would help and MIGHT have asked me about being a bridesmaid, I can't really remember the bridesmaid part.  In November we hit some financial difficulties when I had to leave my job, and my husband got injured at work, and more difficult situations kept arising. (we are still waiting for the claim on that).  I told some close friends that we were not going to make our December rent as I just needed a shoulder.  The next thing I know I get a message from "E" who told me she wanted to help with giving us some of the extra money that she gets from her tips (she's a massage therapist).  I should have said no, she handed me some cash when she had invited me over for a spa party.  I used it for some groceries and to pay our electric bill so we wouldn't get shut off.  To help her out in a way I could I baked special cookies for her spa parties (she can't bake, her words), and helped her sell her products at a Christmas fair.  When she found out we were being evicted she suddenly starts sending me these angry messages.  She can't believe we are still getting evicted even though she have given us money and accused us of using it to pay for a gym membership.  I haven't stepped foot in a gym in 5+ years, we have a fitness center at our apartment complex.  We are still trying to figure out where the gym thing came from.  Either way I should have never taken any money from her and I normally don't take money from anybody, I admit I was desperate when I couldn't even buy peanut butter.  I should have known she would do something like this.  She has "gone off" on other friends of hers over nothing before.  I even consoled her when she told me that a friends husband gave her the cut direct telling her that she was a bully and not to contact his wife anymore. 

To not make this too much longer at the end of these messages when I finally remind her of why we don't have the money for Dec's rent.  And convince her that we don't have a gym membership and that the apartment management won't take partial payments on the rent she apologizes (by a miracle we avoided eviction and are slowly getting back on our feet).  However my husband and I have a sour taste in our mouths over the whole fiasco, and yes we will be paying her back as we planned to anyway.  End Background

Yesterday I am included on a group message on her Facebook for bridesmaid dresses.  All I can think is "Dear God I'm not getting involved in this wedding!".  How do I tell her that while I wish her and her fiance the best I can't be involved with her anymore, nor be involved in this wedding?  She has shown that at a moment's notice she be quite irrational and a bully.  I am currently pregnant and just had my gall-bladder out after being super sick for 3 months.  We had to wait until I was in my second trimester for the surgery to be safe for the baby.  Right now I have no patience and no time for her drama.  I'm trying to find a new job, new daycare for my 4 year old, and plan a move in the summer just before I'm due.  I can't emotionally vest myself with her wedding, not when she's so unpredictable.  And yes I understand that I shouldn't have taken any money from her, that lesson is learned and won't happen again with anyone.  I just need advice on how to tell her I'm not interested in being a bridesmaid or involved with her wedding.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up over taking the money.  While money can make things tricky, sometimes it can be a lifesaver and helping friends out in a bind really isn't outside the realm of what friends do.  Now you know THIS person isn't a real giver.  But there are plenty of people who would do that exact same thing to help out their friend and it would never come up again.  (You explanation made it sound like this was offered as a gift, not a loan, right?) I think it sounds like your "friend" had set herself up in her head as your Savior.  And when life intervened with that picture she got pissed.  And exactly for that reason I totally agree to completely avoid the whole wedding as she will likely set herself up as "The Bride" and woe betide anyone who screws that up.
As far as what to do, I would just tell her briefly thank you for the offer but you just can't make that type of commitment right now.  If she gets mad, oh well. It was bound to happen anyway, right?

As an aside, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. :(
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

TurtleDove

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 03:51:44 PM »
I think you repay the money and then tell her that you cannot be in her wedding and then stay away from her and block her numbers if you have decided to do a cut direct.  Borrow the money from someone else if you have to, but I think you have to pay back the money (possibly with interest) and then be done.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2014, 03:55:15 PM »
You didn't ask for any, but hugs for all you are going through right now. It does sound like putting distance between yourself and this woman is the wisest solution.

I'd email or PM her with the following.

Friendsname, I know we had discussed my helping out with the wedding planning but that was before circumstances in our lives changed. I wish you and fiance'sname well and hope the best for your marriage. But this is not a good time for me to participate in a wedding. I know you will understand.
Alli

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2014, 03:56:40 PM »
maybe i'm not getting it, but i don't think it would be fair of you to back out of the wedding. in fact, i'm not sure how you're not sure whether or not you said yes to being her bridesmaid. this person seems to have been pretty supportive of you (helping with transportation issues, giving you money which you accepted) so you've received her help and support. now that she would like your help and support by being present at her wedding you don't want to be there? the relationship seems one-sided and i think it would be unfair to back out at this point.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2014, 03:57:44 PM »
I second doing what you can to pay her back as soon as possible.  In order to avoid more drama, I would reply that you're going to have to decline the honor of being a bridesmaid, because your current commitments wouldn't allow you to do it justice. 

You can decide privately what the words "honor" and "justice" mean. 

Alli8098

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2014, 04:03:37 PM »
TurtleDove we definitely plan on giving her all the money, and yes EEEP! she implied it was a gift but we planned on paying her back anyway.  And Padua and I don't recall being directly asked to be a bridesmaid.  "E" has a habit of harassing and abusing anyone who makes her mad.  A while back she tried to pull me into the middle of a conflict with another friend of ours that I had no involvement with.  I was informed by another mutual friend that "E" was borderline stalking this other friend when she found out the friend was getting married, "E" was extremely jealous.  This was after "E" went through a nasty divorce where she has to share custody with her drug-addicted ex (that's a whole other story).  This is why I want to give her the "cut direct", I've witnessed firsthand how bad she can get when you make her mad.

TurtleDove

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2014, 04:05:23 PM »
maybe i'm not getting it, but i don't think it would be fair of you to back out of the wedding. in fact, i'm not sure how you're not sure whether or not you said yes to being her bridesmaid. this person seems to have been pretty supportive of you (helping with transportation issues, giving you money which you accepted) so you've received her help and support. now that she would like your help and support by being present at her wedding you don't want to be there? the relationship seems one-sided and i think it would be unfair to back out at this point.

I admit I feel this way as well.  My earlier response was based on my understanding that the OP has decided to give this person the cut direct.  But taking that out of the equation, yes, I feel the OP is being unfair.  I would not take money from a friend and expect it to not affect the friendship.  In my experience, it always does, and not in a good way.  Since the OP did take the money, I think she needs to pay it back ASAP especially if she intends to now block this person from her life.

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 04:06:53 PM »
Your circumstances have vastly changed from the time this subject was first broached until now, which give you valid reasons for not wanting to take part in this wedding.

Even if you are getting back on your feet, being a bridesmaid is expensive!  If you can meet her in person and pay her back when you tell her you are going to have to pull out, it might take some of the sting out.  And if she doesn't understand that you are broke, sick and pregnant, then she isn't much of a friend.  Any chance the wedding is close to your due date, either before or after?  That would be the perfect excuse, if you want to give her an excuse.

I wouldn't, at this point, tell her that you are pulling out of the friendship as well as the wedding.  I think that would be a double whammy.  You can just quietly get together less and less often and let the relationship peter out for a bit.  With wedding planning to do, she may not have much time for you, anyway.
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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2014, 04:07:49 PM »
A "cut direct" is when you basically pretend someone doesn't exist, to the point of pointedly not speaking to them when you meet socially. Is that really what you want to do?

That said, you are perfectly within your rights to back away from the friendship and decline being in the wedding. It sounds like you have plenty of reasons to give for doing so.

Alli8098

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2014, 04:14:11 PM »
To reiterate everyone, she is getting her money back.  And to me the "cut direct" involves letting her know I can't be apart of her wedding and I can't be involved in a friendship with her.  I will not act like she doesn't exist and just block her out of my life.  So it is possible I have just been using the wrong term and should refer to it another way.  And yes I accepted help from her and have helped her in other ways even though it was not monetarily (including giving her rides when she did not have a car) so the friendship has not been one-sided.  Again, we planned on paying her back anyway, it's what I do, I don't take without giving back.

This is a sensitive issue because I know as soon as I give her her money and let her know that I can't be involved with her she is going to stir up a storm with our other mutual friends as she has done in the past when someone has broke off a friendship with her before.  So I could potentially lose other friends in this whole process, possibly.  I'm trying to let her down easy, WITH her money in hand.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2014, 04:22:38 PM by Alli8098 »

TootsNYC

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2014, 04:23:35 PM »
So don't announce that you won't want anything to do with her.

Get her the money back, and then say, "as you know, money is so tight for us. I'm not sure if you were thinking of asking me to be a bridesmaid, since you sent that email about the dresses but just in case, I wanted to be sure you knew that I just cannot afford it."

And then fade out. Don't respond to emails much, don't make plans to get together, etc. Be vague and pleasant.

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2014, 04:24:46 PM »
This is a sensitive issue because I know as soon as I give her her money and let her know that I can't be involved with her she is going to stir up a storm with our other mutual friends as she has done in the past when someone has broke off a friendship with her before.  So I could potentially lose other friends in this whole process, possibly.  I'm trying to let her down easy, WITH her money in hand.

I'm having a hard time reconciling "I want to let her down easy" with "I want to tell her point blank I don't want to be her friend."

Can't you just quietly fade out without making a huge statement? Especially since you are worried it will affect your other friendships. You're pregnant and have been sick, why not just continually decline invitations when you know you might see her? Stop accepting favors?

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2014, 04:25:52 PM »
To reiterate everyone, she is getting her money back.  And to me the "cut direct" involves letting her know I can't be apart of her wedding and I can't be involved in a friendship with her.  I will not act like she doesn't exist and just block her out of my life.  And yes I accepted help from her and have helped her in other ways even though it was not monetarily (including giving her rides when she did not have a car) so the friendship has not been one-sided.  Again, we planned on paying her back anyway, it's what I do, I don't take without giving back.

This is a sensitive issue because I know as soon as I give her her money and let her know that I can't be involved with her she is going to stir up a storm with our other mutual friends as she has done in the past when someone has broke off a friendship with her before.  So I could potentially lose other friends in this whole process, possibly.  I'm trying to let her down easy, WITH her money in hand.

Alli, Cut Direct is a very specific term. It doesn't mean to cut contact with someone. Cut Direct is an action. It means that if you were to meet this woman and she said "Hi, Alli" you would look past her as if she didn't exist. As you can imagine, it is a very extreme stance to take.

So what you are really indicating is that you want to end your friendship with her. And I believe if you are at the point of wanting to end your friendship then it is imperative that you do not participate in her wedding. I am of the belief that most brides and grooms would only want friends and family as wedding party participants.

If after you make her aware that you can not participate she tries to stir up trouble with other friends all you need to do is say "I'm sorry she is upset but I can't participate in her wedding." or "I know she is upset, but I am not in a position to participate in her wedding".