Author Topic: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75  (Read 12169 times)

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lakey

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #30 on: February 04, 2014, 11:42:10 PM »
Alli8098,
Sorry to hear about your string of bad luck, and I just know things will pick up.
Between the pregnancy, gall bladder surgery, and trying to find a job and day care with a new baby on the way, you have perfect  reasons for not being a bridesmaid. If you tell her that your pregnancy and gall bladder issues prevent you from participating, and she overreacts to it, then you will simply be even more convinced to avoid her.

A real friend, knowing what all you're going through, would have diplomatically talked to you about whether you could handle being a bridesmaid. Pay her back as soon as you can and lessen contact.

lakey

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #31 on: February 04, 2014, 11:51:11 PM »
If she reacts badly about your not participating in the wedding, I wouldn't worry too much about what others that she talks to think.
If she has the kind of bullying, overreactive behaviors that you describe, then most people are going to understand what is going on.

Deetee

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #32 on: February 05, 2014, 02:02:41 AM »
It would be best if you talked to her. People have given you good suggestions for wording.

But if it was me, I would delay saying I couldn't be a bridesmaid. The lack of actual asking ( and a link to a dress doesn't count) and the lack of a date or venue or any concrete plans plus the bride's flakiness and volatility would mean that I would just fade away, hint at money and health issues, talk about how nice the wedding will be for yourself as a guest and let the bride save face.

If I got other indications that the bride thought I was a bridesmaid then I would turn her down. But I would make it about how I couldn't do what she deserved. Not that she was crazy.

aussie_chick

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Re: Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?
« Reply #33 on: February 05, 2014, 02:03:54 AM »
So don't announce that you won't want anything to do with her.

Get her the money back, and then say, "as you know, money is so tight for us. I'm not sure if you were thinking of asking me to be a bridesmaid, since you sent that email about the dresses but just in case, I wanted to be sure you knew that I just cannot afford it."

And then fade out. Don't respond to emails much, don't make plans to get together, etc. Be vague and pleasant.

POD to this. The only thing I would add is that if you tell her you cannot afford it, she may offer to pay for you. At this point you need to firmly say "no, I would prefer not to borrow money from anyone again." and then rinse, lather and repeat as necessary. Sometimes telling people money is an issue can lead to them offering to help you out, which only starts the cycle again of borrowing and repaying. Or she may offer it as a gift - and clearly that worked so well last time! I would then reply to that with "no thank you". No further info or reasoning required

TootsNYC

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #34 on: February 05, 2014, 02:25:54 AM »
Alli, wait until she contacts you directly about being a bridesmaid, then simply say that your health and finances preclude you participating in her wedding preparations.  Something like, "I'm sorry (friend's name), but I can't afford it and, health wise, I just can't do it."  Repeat as needed to both her and any mutual friends.

As far as backing away from the friendship, just be unavailable and vague, as in:  you're not feeling well, in the middle of packing, on the way to the doctor, on bed rest, etc. etc.


Actually, I agree here.  She hasn't been definite, and you may look a little pushy (only a problem since she can complain to other people you both know) if you assume too much.

So just fade out starting now. Plot the fastest return of the money that you can, but you can start the fade.

And remember this line, to use on anyone who tells you she's complaining about you: "we just aren't as close anymore."

cicero

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #35 on: February 05, 2014, 05:39:00 AM »
lots of hugs, you've been through a lot lately.

I agree with the general sentiment here - make sure she still wants you to be a bridesmaid and tell you can't. no need to go into details. I don't see this so much as "bowing out of the wedding" because I don't see that she actually asked you to be in the wedding. and when you  do tell her - make it about her; keep it along the lines of "i won't be able to do the job justice as my plate is overflowing with stuff right now".

and you know what? if she throws a hissy fit and stirs up trouble? so what. stop giving her power. stop letting her bully you into doing thing you don't want/shouldn't/can't do.

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Mikayla

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #36 on: February 05, 2014, 12:33:06 PM »
I think I will have to be completely honest with her about money. I have to save for move, and baby furniture.  My daughter's baby furniture did not survive our last move unfortunately.  I am due July 19th and hopefully won't have complications like I did with our daughter.  She was taken via c-section two-weeks early due to my blood pressure.  So we will be moving around July 1st and I'm trying to do everything I can now to prepare for that and keep my health under control to try to get to my due date this time.  So basically I must save for this move, and getting stuff for the baby.  We managed to hold on to a lot of expensive baby items but will need a crib and changing table/dresser.  The funds for a bridesmaid dress and accessories will just not be there.  And hopefully I can find a new job soon before I really start showing.  I had applied to and was hired at the Post Office as a carrier before I found out I was pregnant.  I got so sick due to my gall bladder that I was not able to take the job and now I can't meet the physical demands of that job.  So I'll fall back on my years of customer service experience and try to find something there.  I really do hope she has a great wedding and happy life.  But right now my focus is on my family.

On the bolded....no, you don't.  Reading through all this, you're adding a lot of stress to your life by making a perfectly rational decision to end a friendship, and then setting up roadblocks in your mind.  You also did it when you mentioned her dragging mutual friends into the drama.  None of this matters because you know what you need to do.

You're ending a friendship, so there's no upside to going into details of your finances.   As for the mutual friends, the way you've portrayed her, if they're willing to feed her drama rather than see you as you are, they aren't friends to begin with.

I liked Toot's wording and also Hmmmmm's at the very beginning.  Write it and send it.  And then get her out of your head.   You've got a lot on your plate (including some very good news!).  So focus on what matters, not what doesn't.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? (Was "Give a Bride the "Cut Direct"?")
« Reply #37 on: February 06, 2014, 01:26:34 AM »
Small update: So I am expected to be bridesmaid.  Here is the message I received from here tonight on Facebook. (I left the "conversation" she started on Monday on Facebook)

"E": Have you decided not to a bridesmaid since you left the conversation?
"Me": I left the conversation because my phone kept buzzing every time someone responded. (True, I really hate it if my phone is constantly going off.). When is the wedding?  With our finances, moving, and a new baby I'm not sure I can be the bridesmaid you deserve.  You are such a sweet person that you deserve someone who can be fully focused on helping you get everything fully prepared.

She sent me the message sometime after 8, I didn't check my Facebook messages until after 11.  So we'll see how she responds.  I hope I said the right thing.  If not that teaches me to respond to messages when it's late and I'm tired.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Updates posts 37 & 38
« Reply #38 on: February 06, 2014, 01:00:40 PM »
So I've gotten my response and I don't know how to respond. "T" is the fiance and "C" is my husband, my husband likes "T" but considers him more an acquaintance.

"E": "The wedding is August 16th, "T" wanted "C" to be a groomsmen.. I think all I wanted you guys to do is stand up there with us for the ceremony and for pics. Oh and have you bring all the gifts to our place.."

By August 16th I'll be one month postpartum and no idea what size I'll be, and I plan on nursing.  My husband will not have any vacation time to take for the wedding.  It is on a Saturday but he's and Assistant Carrier with post office and works Saturdays (sometimes until 9PM).  His one year anniversary is June 1st which starts the clock over on his vacation days.  In his position you "use" or "lose them" when your anniversary comes up.  So it will be tricky enough having him available for our move in July, and then home with me later that month when the baby is born.  Plus because my husband had a hospitalization last July, his back injury in November, and taking time off last week when I had my surgery he's on notice about attendance.  So him missing work is a huge deal for us.  He's working hard to become what they call a "Career Carrier" which has higher pay and they typically work 5 instead of 6 days a week. 

And I just can't figure out what we'll do with the baby and our 4 year old daughter if we are both in the wedding.  We don't have family in-state to drop them off with.  When I had my surgery last week we had to find a church member to watch our daughter.  I can say we did agree to help transport gifts back to their apartment.  That was talked about last summer/fall time frame before she had her temper tantrum and when she had no official wedding date.

We haven't gotten together with them since, and I've spoken to her maybe 4 times since December.  I feel like she is trying to make me feel bad and do what she wants me to do.  I'm not her only friend and hardly think I'm her closest friend.  I just don't know what to say, I don't think this wedding will be possible for us.  I really can't afford a move, baby items, a bridesmaid dress, and tux rental.  It's just not going to work, what do I tell her?


z_squared82

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #39 on: February 06, 2014, 01:11:09 PM »
This looks like one of those instances in which, "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible," is appropriate.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

No other justification or excuses, just "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #40 on: February 06, 2014, 01:18:44 PM »
This looks like one of those instances in which, "I'm sorry, that just won't be possible," is appropriate.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

No other justification or excuses, just "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."

I agree.

'I'm sorry, there is no possible way we can swing this.'
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Seraphia

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Updates posts 37 & 38
« Reply #41 on: February 06, 2014, 01:25:35 PM »
Snip

Tell her the bolded --> It's just not going to work, what do I tell her?

You don't need to go into all the reasons - just say you're sorry, but it's just not going to be possible for you and C to be in the party, and you hope she has a beautiful wedding.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 01:31:12 PM by Seraphia »
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Two Ravens

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #42 on: February 06, 2014, 01:28:09 PM »
So it sounds like you are not even planning to go to the wedding as a guest? I think you definitely need to make that clear to her now.

"I'm sorry, it does not look like we will be able to attend." Be firm and brief.

BarensMom

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Updates posts 37 & 38
« Reply #43 on: February 06, 2014, 01:35:56 PM »
So I've gotten my response and I don't know how to respond. "T" is the fiance and "C" is my husband, my husband likes "T" but considers him more an acquaintance.

"E": "The wedding is August 16th, "T" wanted "C" to be a groomsmen.. I think all I wanted you guys to do is stand up there with us for the ceremony and for pics. Oh and have you bring all the gifts to our place.."

By August 16th I'll be one month postpartum and no idea what size I'll be, and I plan on nursing.  My husband will not have any vacation time to take for the wedding.  It is on a Saturday but he's and Assistant Carrier with post office and works Saturdays (sometimes until 9PM).  His one year anniversary is June 1st which starts the clock over on his vacation days.  In his position you "use" or "lose them" when your anniversary comes up.  So it will be tricky enough having him available for our move in July, and then home with me later that month when the baby is born.  Plus because my husband had a hospitalization last July, his back injury in November, and taking time off last week when I had my surgery he's on notice about attendance.  So him missing work is a huge deal for us.  He's working hard to become what they call a "Career Carrier" which has higher pay and they typically work 5 instead of 6 days a week. 

And I just can't figure out what we'll do with the baby and our 4 year old daughter if we are both in the wedding.  We don't have family in-state to drop them off with.  When I had my surgery last week we had to find a church member to watch our daughter.  I can say we did agree to help transport gifts back to their apartment.  That was talked about last summer/fall time frame before she had her temper tantrum and when she had no official wedding date.

We haven't gotten together with them since, and I've spoken to her maybe 4 times since December.  I feel like she is trying to make me feel bad and do what she wants me to do.  I'm not her only friend and hardly think I'm her closest friend.  I just don't know what to say, I don't think this wedding will be possible for us.  I really can't afford a move, baby items, a bridesmaid dress, and tux rental.  It's just not going to work, what do I tell her?

I bolded what I think your response should be.  You'll be one month postpartum, nursing, with two small children, not to mention if you have to have a caesarian or postpartum complications.

Not only can you not afford to move, buy baby items, tux, and a dress, but you'll have the headache of trying to figure out and pay for childcare.  Then, on top of all that, you have to take responsibility for her gifts?

Rip off this bandaid and tell her you and DH cannot be in her wedding.  As I said before, tell her, "Friend, due to my health and our finances, we just cannot do it.  It just won't be possible."  If she howls, let her howl.  You're backing off from the friendship anyway.  Your mutual friends already have her number, and if they don't now, they will by the time of the wedding.

Alli8098

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Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #44 on: February 06, 2014, 01:36:13 PM »
So it sounds like you are not even planning to go to the wedding as a guest? I think you definitely need to make that clear to her now.

"I'm sorry, it does not look like we will be able to attend." Be firm and brief.

I honestly had no idea of the date until this morning.  Originally she was talking about September this year, and then moving it to next year.  Because I know my husband won't have vacation time by August 16th I don't think we'll even be able to attend as guests.  Plus my husband and I are not feeling comfortable continuing a friendship with them after she spewed her venom at us.  That would be another reason we don't feel comfortable standing up for them at their wedding.  "E" has put a very sour tastes in our mouths in regards to friendship.