Author Topic: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? RCVD The Invite Post 75  (Read 13154 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Two Ravens

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2307
  • One for sorrow, Two for mirth...
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #45 on: February 06, 2014, 01:50:34 PM »
So it sounds like you are not even planning to go to the wedding as a guest? I think you definitely need to make that clear to her now.

"I'm sorry, it does not look like we will be able to attend." Be firm and brief.

I honestly had no idea of the date until this morning.  Originally she was talking about September this year, and then moving it to next year.  Because I know my husband won't have vacation time by August 16th I don't think we'll even be able to attend as guests.  Plus my husband and I are not feeling comfortable continuing a friendship with them after she spewed her venom at us.  That would be another reason we don't feel comfortable standing up for them at their wedding.  "E" has put a very sour tastes in our mouths in regards to friendship.

That's fine. You don't need to justify your reasons to us. I'm just saying you shouldn't string her along. Make it a clear "no" now with no more prevaricating.

Alli8098

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 247
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #46 on: February 06, 2014, 02:19:46 PM »
So it sounds like you are not even planning to go to the wedding as a guest? I think you definitely need to make that clear to her now.

"I'm sorry, it does not look like we will be able to attend." Be firm and brief.

I honestly had no idea of the date until this morning.  Originally she was talking about September this year, and then moving it to next year.  Because I know my husband won't have vacation time by August 16th I don't think we'll even be able to attend as guests.  Plus my husband and I are not feeling comfortable continuing a friendship with them after she spewed her venom at us.  That would be another reason we don't feel comfortable standing up for them at their wedding.  "E" has put a very sour tastes in our mouths in regards to friendship.

That's fine. You don't need to justify your reasons to us. I'm just saying you shouldn't string her along. Make it a clear "no" now with no more prevaricating.

I definitely don't want to string her along.  I'll reply to her today, I'm just trying to pull head together a thoughtful response.  Nothing droning one, I just can't respond right now because I'm honestly feeling too groggy and grumpy too.  I don't want to give a snarky rude response  ;)

Kaypeep

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2288
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2014, 02:25:04 PM »
Agreed. Let her know now, and don't stress too much that she's trying to make you feel guilty.  I think you can apologize about having to go back on the plan to help with the gifts, but don't feel that badly about it since the promise was made a while ago and without specific details of what the actual plan was.

Dear Friendzilla:
DH and I are both honored that you'd want us in the wedding, but it's simply not possible.  I'll be one month post-partum with full plate of kids and recuperating, and a still empty wallet.  TBH, with the date now set on Saturday, 8/16 it's likely DH won't even be able to attend because he won't have any available days off at work at that time, and we can't afford a day off without pay.  I'm sorry it's working out this way, and I feel terrible going back on our plan that DH and I would help transport the gifts, etc. but I wanted to let you know now that we can't commit to that after all, so you can find someone else who can help out instead.

Alli8098

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 247
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #48 on: February 06, 2014, 02:34:21 PM »
Agreed. Let her know now, and don't stress too much that she's trying to make you feel guilty.  I think you can apologize about having to go back on the plan to help with the gifts, but don't feel that badly about it since the promise was made a while ago and without specific details of what the actual plan was.

Dear Friendzilla:
DH and I are both honored that you'd want us in the wedding, but it's simply not possible.  I'll be one month post-partum with full plate of kids and recuperating, and a still empty wallet.  TBH, with the date now set on Saturday, 8/16 it's likely DH won't even be able to attend because he won't have any available days off at work at that time, and we can't afford a day off without pay.  I'm sorry it's working out this way, and I feel terrible going back on our plan that DH and I would help transport the gifts, etc. but I wanted to let you know now that we can't commit to that after all, so you can find someone else who can help out instead.

I really like your wording, I think I'll say something like that.  I'm to the point, polite, and apologetic.  I had a good male friend who was getting married in August 2009 just under two weeks before my due date when I was pregnant with our daughter.  We were invited just as guests but my friend asked if we could help transport some items to the wedding site.  We agreed and were happy to help out.  Then my blood pressure went haywire and I was induced the Wednesday before the wedding (wedding would be that Saturday).  Our daughter was born just after midnight on Thursday via c-section after 12 hours of labor.  I felt really bad because now it would be impossible for us to attend the wedding and help with the transport of anything.  My friend and his fiance were understanding and completely understood.  They even visited us in the hospital the day before their wedding.  If only "E" was made from the same ilk and could understand that "life happens".

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13745
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #49 on: February 06, 2014, 02:35:17 PM »
Agreed. Let her know now, and don't stress too much that she's trying to make you feel guilty.  I think you can apologize about having to go back on the plan to help with the gifts, but don't feel that badly about it since the promise was made a while ago and without specific details of what the actual plan was.

Dear Friendzilla:
DH and I are both honored that you'd want us in the wedding, but it's simply not possible.  I'll be one month post-partum with full plate of kids and recuperating, and a still empty wallet.  TBH, with the date now set on Saturday, 8/16 it's likely DH won't even be able to attend because he won't have any available days off at work at that time, and we can't afford a day off without pay.  I'm sorry it's working out this way, and I feel terrible going back on our plan that DH and I would help transport the gifts, etc. but I wanted to let you know now that we can't commit to that after all, so you can find someone else who can help out instead.

I think this is far too much information for the situation.  I would just say, 'There is no way we can make that work, between family, money and time off.  I'm sorrry, we won't be able to stand up for you guys.'  And leave it at that.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

gellchom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2167
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #50 on: February 06, 2014, 02:55:11 PM »
I like Kaypeep's wording, although Outdoor Girl's point about saying less detail makes sense, too.  But I wouldn't leave it at a terse "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."  That's unnecessarily curt, in my opinion. 

But the main thing is, you need to be more CLEAR than you have been in your communications to her.  "When is the wedding?  With our finances, moving, and a new baby I'm not sure I can be the bridesmaid you deserve.  You are such a sweet person that you deserve someone who can be fully focused on helping you get everything fully prepared" sounds like you are still trying to swing it or that you just don't want to quite say "no" and want her to take the hint instead.  Kaypeep's wording is just as nice but crystal clear.

This is making  me think of the "askers" vs. "guessers" string.  I'm guessing you are a "guesser" who hates to say "no."  But there's nothing wrong with saying no, and that's what you need to do now.  It's not rude to decline to be a bridesmaid, but it is inconsiderate not to be clear about your decision just to spare yourself having to say no.

And I would add somewhere in there that you and your husband are disappointed that you must decline, because you know it's going to be lovely.

Mikayla

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4049
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #51 on: February 06, 2014, 03:16:31 PM »
So it sounds like you are not even planning to go to the wedding as a guest? I think you definitely need to make that clear to her now.

"I'm sorry, it does not look like we will be able to attend." Be firm and brief.

I honestly had no idea of the date until this morning.  Originally she was talking about September this year, and then moving it to next year.  Because I know my husband won't have vacation time by August 16th I don't think we'll even be able to attend as guests.  Plus my husband and I are not feeling comfortable continuing a friendship with them after she spewed her venom at us.  That would be another reason we don't feel comfortable standing up for them at their wedding.  "E" has put a very sour tastes in our mouths in regards to friendship.

Honest, I'm not trying to dump on you.  I'm recognizing some things because I used to be the same way!  I still think you're tossing up roadblocks for some reason.  Based on your title and also what you've said, you don't even like this person, you don't want to stand up for her, and you don't care to continue the friendship. 

So what was the point in asking when the wedding is?  It's just a pointless diversion, because if the above is true, it doesn't matter.

Unless you're backtracking on some of your original comments (which might be happening), you're prolonging your own agony by pretending you're considering doing this or thinking through the details.

Normally, I'd agree with gellchom that "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" is a bit curt.   But you're not sending this to a valued friend.  You're sending it to someone you want out of your life.  And I definitely would not say anything related to the Aug 16 date.  That just traps you if it changes yet again. 

Alli8098

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 247
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #52 on: February 06, 2014, 03:23:22 PM »
I like Kaypeep's wording, although Outdoor Girl's point about saying less detail makes sense, too.  But I wouldn't leave it at a terse "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."  That's unnecessarily curt, in my opinion. 

But the main thing is, you need to be more CLEAR than you have been in your communications to her.  "When is the wedding?  With our finances, moving, and a new baby I'm not sure I can be the bridesmaid you deserve.  You are such a sweet person that you deserve someone who can be fully focused on helping you get everything fully prepared" sounds like you are still trying to swing it or that you just don't want to quite say "no" and want her to take the hint instead.  Kaypeep's wording is just as nice but crystal clear.

This is making  me think of the "askers" vs. "guessers" string.  I'm guessing you are a "guesser" who hates to say "no."  But there's nothing wrong with saying no, and that's what you need to do now.  It's not rude to decline to be a bridesmaid, but it is inconsiderate not to be clear about your decision just to spare yourself having to say no.

And I would add somewhere in there that you and your husband are disappointed that you must decline, because you know it's going to be lovely.

Last night's reply to her was to also get information, but I admit I should not be talking to her if it's late and I've only had 2 hours of sleep the night before.  I can say no, and have before even with her.  And admittedly I have not been quite myself since surgery last week.  I've had a lot sleepless nights, and the other fun things that come with recovery. :P  But I will respond today letting her know it's just not going to be possible.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13745
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #53 on: February 06, 2014, 03:30:34 PM »
If this was a friend you wanted to keep, I'd go with Kaypeep's wording.  But since you aren't interested in maintaining the friendship, which is what I meant when I said it was too much information for the situation, I wouldn't give her all that explanation.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

Margo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1558
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #54 on: February 06, 2014, 03:52:17 PM »
I'd keep it very brief. I like the idea of saying
Quote
DH and I are both honored that you'd want us in the wedding, but it's simply not possible.

But you don't need to go into all of the reasons - in fact, if you do, you may open yourself up to her arguing with her over it - with her trying to persaude you or convince you that you could get a sitter / she will help cover the costs of your dress / you are bound to have recovered from the birth / it won't require a lot of your time / whatever

For that reason, even if she pushes, I'd try to keep it pretty general "With my health, and all our other circumstances, it really isn't possible. "

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6016
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #55 on: February 06, 2014, 03:55:44 PM »
I would say something like "I misunderstood at some point and thought the wedding was to be later in the fall. Unfortunately on the 16th the baby will only be a few weeks old and DH won't be able to get a Saturday off. I'm so sorry we won't be able to stand up with you and T."

Don't say "I doubt" or "I think" or "probably", etc. You don't want to leave an opening for her to say "It's okay, just try your best!" State the fact that you will not be able to participate in her wedding. Period.

JeanFromBNA

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2273
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #56 on: February 06, 2014, 04:14:45 PM »
I'd keep it very brief. I like the idea of saying
Quote
DH and I are both honored that you'd want us in the wedding, but it's simply not possible.

But you don't need to go into all of the reasons - in fact, if you do, you may open yourself up to her arguing with her over it - with her trying to persaude you or convince you that you could get a sitter / she will help cover the costs of your dress / you are bound to have recovered from the birth / it won't require a lot of your time / whatever

For that reason, even if she pushes, I'd try to keep it pretty general "With my health, and all our other circumstances, it really isn't possible. "

I agree with all of this.

Alli8098

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 247
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #57 on: February 06, 2014, 07:01:16 PM »
It's funny when DH called me this afternoon to see how I was doing I told him that apparently he's supposed to be a groomsmen in this wedding.  His response: "Why didn't "T" call or message me asking me to do that?"  I told him I had no idea why since he and "T" have each others phone numbers.

In other news I just got back from having a specialized ultrasound and amnio and it looks like we are most likely having a boy.  My daughter just looked at me when I told her and asked "why?".  She's been determined that she's getting a baby sister.

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5559
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #58 on: February 06, 2014, 09:54:16 PM »
You don't ask someone to be a groomsman through email conversations between the wives (or wives to be). I mean maybe, if the friendship is super close and the asking is just a formality you might do that and it would be OK, but not for someone who is surprised to find out they are asked.

Bow out and don't apologize.

Alli8098

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 247
Re: Bow out of Wedding and Friendship? Update Posts 37 & 38
« Reply #59 on: February 06, 2014, 10:48:33 PM »
You don't ask someone to be a groomsman through email conversations between the wives (or wives to be). I mean maybe, if the friendship is super close and the asking is just a formality you might do that and it would be OK, but not for someone who is surprised to find out they are asked.

Bow out and don't apologize.

I felt the same way, this is something that "might" have been mentioned at a dinner a while back.  But even then DH was not formally asked by "T" to be a groomsman.  He had no idea the expectation was even there.  The only time I was not asked formally by a bride to her bridesmaid was when I was 15 and my sister got engaged.  I was "informed" I was going to be a bridesmaid, but that's how my sister functioned then.  She has grown and changed a lot in the last 18 years.  But I've replied to her short and sweet that life circumstances will not allow us to participate but that I hope her wedding turns out to be a beautiful one.  Not my exact words, but they convey that message.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 10:51:19 PM by Alli8098 »