Author Topic: "I don't want you to drive your car" updates #29 #58  (Read 10526 times)

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Last_Dance

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"I don't want you to drive your car" updates #29 #58
« on: February 05, 2014, 08:14:25 AM »
My mom doesn't like driving. When she was a a teenager, she lost a beloved relative to drunk driver  which I believe was very traumatic for her.

Four years ago she and my dad bought me a car - I'd like to highlight that it was completely their idea, I never asked for it and at first I tried to talk them out of it. Then I discovered how confortable driving was as opposed to dealing with public transport and I never looked back.

The trouble is, my mother doesn't want me to drive my car. If I mention plans to go somewhere (within our city), she immediately tells me "don't tell me if you take the car! Actually, do you have to take the car? Can't DF drive you? Can't you take the bus?"

If I protest, the answer is always the same: "it's not that I don't trust you, I don't trust all the other drivers on the road"

I am 26 years old. I have had my licence for 7 years, I was involved in a car crash once 7 years ago (allright, plus a couple of miscalculations involving the distance of a wall or the garage doors).  As for the car crash, it was completely my fault, but no other vehicles or people were involved.
I do not drink, ever (so no danger of drunk/tipsy driving), I do not text while driving, I have never been stopped by the police or received a speeding ticket or a fine.

When asked, DF (universally recognized as a very good driver) said I'm not a bad driver  just anxious (gee, I wonder why...) and I need more practice. I don't plan to take the car when it's not practical, but if I don't drive when it is easier/faster/more confortable than the bus, then I'll never get any practice.

Mom and I are meeting tomorrow to run a couple of errands - we could use just a car once we are together, but first I need to get to her house. She already told me she wants me to take the bus - or she could come and get me in the morning, drive me back to her house (our first destination is close by) and I'd get back home by bus when we are done, which is a bit impractical for me.

Should I keep catering to her fears? Or should I put my foot down and start using my car even when I'm going to meet her?
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 05:41:25 PM by Last_Dance »
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

MindsEye

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2014, 08:18:56 AM »
Four years ago she and my dad bought me a car - I'd like to highlight that it was completely their idea, I never asked for it and at first I tried to talk them out of it.

[snip]

The trouble is, my mother doesn't want me to drive my car.

[snip]

Should I keep catering to her fears? Or should I put my foot down and start using my car even when I'm going to meet her?

Wait... your Mom bought you the car and now doesn't want you to use it?  I can't wrap my head around that....

OP, I would stop catering to your Mom's fears, just keep driving the car as you want to.

Oh Joy

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2014, 08:21:09 AM »
Should I keep catering to her fears? Or should I put my foot down and start using my car even when I'm going to meet her?

Neither.

Acknowledge her concern and thank her for caring about you.  Then drive.  That's all.

Best wishes.

learningtofly

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2014, 08:38:30 AM »
Please drive to her house.  I find driving more comfortable and more convenient.  If you don't srive every time she gets scared you are going to get scared yourself.  Practice is what you need and you won't get it on the bus.  You'll get home a lot faster at the end of the day in a car and that's why you have a car.  Not using it is a waste of money as you're paying insurance and excise tax.  I love them freedom of my car and when I lived in the city I loved the convenience of public transportation.  Do what is easiest for you and bean dip mom.

wheeitsme

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 08:38:49 AM »
Should I keep catering to her fears? Or should I put my foot down and start using my car even when I'm going to meet her?

Neither.

Acknowledge her concern and thank her for caring about you.  Then drive.  That's all.

Best wishes.

This.

GratefulMaria

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 08:50:20 AM »
I'm fifty and my mother is like this about some things.  She believes the only reassurance comes from not doing something that makes her worry.  I just bean dip pleasantly and go ahead with my plans.  It took years of work to keep from making her fears mine, and my life is a lot happier with a civil detachment.


Outdoor Girl

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 08:59:24 AM »
My mother freaked out about me driving for years.  I knew I'd finally made it the day she fell asleep with me driving.

I'm with Oh Joy - acknowledge her concern and keep driving.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

English1

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2014, 09:11:36 AM »
Acknowledge the concern, firmly, but drive anyway. "I know you are anxious about cars, Mum, but what's the point of having one if I don't drive it? We'll be fine. I'm not getting the bus. If you want to, I'll meet you there at xpm.'

If not, you'll end up getting more and more nervous about it.

My Dad was  always an anxious driver and my Mum never drove. All of us kids have to phone them when we've driven home from their house to assure them we made it in one piece! They don't try to stop us driving though, that's just silly and projecting your own nervousness/inability to drive on to others.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2014, 09:16:36 AM »
All of us kids have to phone them when we've driven home from their house to assure them we made it in one piece!

I'm 45 and I still do this.  And now, I get my Dad to phone me when he's arrived home, seeing as he'll be 80 in June.  He's still a decent driver and I try not to worry but I do like to know that he got home OK.

It's a little thing that makes the other person feel better so I don't mind doing it.  My brother refused and stopped doing it, though.  But now that my nephews are driving, if they are leaving my place to head home, I ask them to text me when they get there, which they don't mind doing for me.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

LemonZen

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2014, 09:53:17 AM »
I think you should drive. As other posters mentioned, why bother with the expense and maintenance of a car if you are not going to use it?

Plus I think that if you give in to her anxiety about you driving it will probably create anxiety for you, and justify your mom's fears. If she sees you being too scared to drive she will just get more worried when you do try to drive.

The more you drive, the more confident you get, the more comfortable she will probably feel over time as well. I also agree that you can acknowledge her concern, and if you are comfortable with it you can do as others suggested and send her a message or call her when you get home safe. Only start doing that if you're willing to do it every single time though, or else you will really get her worried!

Coley

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2014, 10:01:17 AM »
POD to the PPs who advise acknowledging your mom's feelings and driving anyway. You need not change your behavior because of your mom's fears. It is possible that the more often she sees you are driving safely, the more comfortable she may become with the idea. If you cater to her, her fears may linger.

I also agree with LemonZen about letting your mom know you arrived safely at your destination. If you start this, you should be prepared to do it every time.

lady_disdain

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2014, 10:06:09 AM »
I wouldn't even discuss the issue. I would just show up at the agreed time, by my preferred mean of transportation.

SPuck

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2014, 10:09:56 AM »
It's a little thing that makes the other person feel better so I don't mind doing it.

I think "doing the little things" in Last_Dance's place had added up and may actually be detracting from her ability to drive. I have to disagree with previous posters about acknowledging her mother's fears.   

Should I keep catering to her fears? Or should I put my foot down and start using my car even when I'm going to meet her?

I think you do need to stop catering to your mother's fears and just drive whenever it is convenient for you. Also don't be your mother's sounding board for her anxieties any longer. It is okay if she has them but don't let her impose them on you.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2014, 10:11:38 AM by SPuck »

siamesecat2965

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2014, 10:30:38 AM »
All of us kids have to phone them when we've driven home from their house to assure them we made it in one piece!

I'm 45 and I still do this.  And now, I get my Dad to phone me when he's arrived home, seeing as he'll be 80 in June.  He's still a decent driver and I try not to worry but I do like to know that he got home OK.

It's a little thing that makes the other person feel better so I don't mind doing it.  My brother refused and stopped doing it, though.  But now that my nephews are driving, if they are leaving my place to head home, I ask them to text me when they get there, which they don't mind doing for me.

I'm 48 and do this too! But my drive to my mom' is 400 miles/7.5+ hours, so I usually call her halfway, or thereabouts, to let her know about when to expect me, and i do the same on the way back, and then when I get home.  It's no big deal at all. I also sometimes call my 88 year old neighbor when I get to mom's since she worries too :) - but again, not a big deal.

I'd keep driving, since it silly to have the car, but not use it. maybe if you continue doing it with your mom, she'll relax and get better about it.

MommyPenguin

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car"
« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2014, 10:31:55 AM »
I have a mother who is overly anxious and worried constantly (about everything, not a specific trigger).  Yes, we've talked to her (and my dad) about talking to her doctor, but I don't think she has.

From this, I can tell you that, the *more* you do the thing that she's anxious about, the better.  Eventually it will become the new normal, and she won't worry as much.  It also helps to subtly show her how much a certain thing is done and how common it is, and how it usually is fine.  The more something is seen as "the norm," the more it seems to settle my mom's fears, at least.  This may or may not be the same for your mom, but regardless, I agree with the others in that I'd say something acknowledging her fears, but then telling her that driving is normal for you and you need to do it to become better at it, and you'd prefer that she not keep bringing up her fears in the future.  Then every time she does bring it up, just say, "Remember, Mom, I told you that I'm going to keep driving and that, while I know you're scared, I need you to stop trying to make *me* scared by bringing this up every time."