Author Topic: "I don't want you to drive your car" updates #29 #58  (Read 11079 times)

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DavidH

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #45 on: February 06, 2014, 01:58:24 PM »
I found one way to demonstrate how irrational and ridiculous a fear is was to turn it back on the person.  As in, what you're going out for dinner with friends, I don't think you should, driving at night and all that. Make sure to call me when you get to the restaurant and when you get home so I don't worry.  If they say it's different then agree, that yes, it is.  Older drivers have more accidents so I have even more reason to worry, wouldn't they just be happier staying home so I don't have to worry, and so on.   

weeblewobble

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #46 on: February 06, 2014, 02:29:35 PM »
I'd be a lot more worried about my daughter taking the bus home alone at night and then walking to her home rather than driving herself to her door. The emotional blackmail your mother is pulling for whatever reason  really pushes a lot of buttons with me. You don't have to move to the other side of the world to escape it, (though that worked for me), but you do need to stop it somehow. Don't let your mother live your life for you. Pulling the you must do this or that my way or I'll be upset/worried/stressed is plain bullying.  (Gets off soapbox now.)

Agreed, falling back into the pattern because she's "so stressed out" or "had a really bad day" just reinforces her perceived right to control you because of her anxieties.

wolfie

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #47 on: February 06, 2014, 02:36:42 PM »
I do want to say that I think it is reasonable to contact someone whose company you are leaving to inform them you made it home if it is a long drive. it is 1.5 hours to my parents so I call them when i get home and they call me when they get home. I do NOT think it is reasonable to call people who don't even know you left the house that you got home (So I won't be calling my parents to tell them I made it home from snow tubing this weekend) - or to call people who are close by.

TootsNYC

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #48 on: February 06, 2014, 02:51:27 PM »
And I'll say that I don't think it's reasonable to demand that a grown adult, *especially* with access to a cell phone and driving in a reasonably well populated area call to tell you they got home safely.

If you want to grant that to your parents, I'm not going to challenge you on it (but I'm going to roll my eyes inside a little bit). Fine, whatever works for you.

But I flat-out refuse to do it.

If people run into trouble that you can help them with, they will call. If they run into trouble that you -can't- help them with, you'll find out about it eventually. Your hearing from them isn't going to change reality. And you are in charge of your fears. It's not fair to demand that from someone else.

My DH and I had our first married fight about whether he would call his parents to tell them we landed safely in England for the honeymoon. I maintained, if there wasn't any news about plane crashes, they could reasonably assume we were safe. I wasn't a child, I wasn't going to call to tell someone I was safe when I clearly was.
    The final upshot of that fight was, he could call, but he needed to make sure he never, ever mentioned it to me. I wasn't going to be a party to it.

I will sometimes call simply because it's the last contact of a valued time together. I admit to wondering if my friend who visited from out of town was home and settled yet. But it wasn't because I was worried. It's more a notification, "OK, the visit is now officially over, because I'm/you're back home."
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 03:01:48 PM by TootsNYC »

wolfie

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #49 on: February 06, 2014, 03:01:14 PM »
And I'll say that I don't think it's reasonable to demand that a grown adult, *especially* with access to a cell phone and driving in a reasonably well populated area call to tell you they got home safely.

If you want to grant that to your parents, I'm not going to challenge you on it (but I'm going to roll my eyes inside a little bit).

But if people run into trouble that you can help them with, they will call. If they run into trouble that you -can't- help them with, you'll find out about it eventually. You hearing from them isn't going to change reality. And you are in charge of your fears. It's not fair to demand that from someone else.

I flat-out refuse to do it.
My DH and I had our first married fight about whether he would call his parents to tell them we landed safely in England for the honeymoon. I maintained, if there wasn't any news about plane crashes, they could reasonably assume we were safe. I wasn't a child, I wasn't going to call to tell someone I was safe when I clearly was.
    The final upshot of that fight was, he could call, but he needed to make sure he never, ever mentioned it to me. I wasn't going to be a party to it.

I will sometimes call simply because it's the last contact of a valued time together. I admit to wondering if my friend who visited from out of town was home and settled yet. But it wasn't because I was worried.
]

It's not a demand. It's a request. It's a way to show that you care about the other person. And I roll my eyes at you a bit internally too so I guess that makes us even.

And no I don't drive along a well populated area. In fact last time I drove home there was pretty much noone on the road and if I was in an accident then I could have been there for hours before someone noticed and got help. I would definitely appreciate the idea that if I don't call within a reasonable time then someone WILL come looking for me and make sure that I am okay.

TootsNYC

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #50 on: February 06, 2014, 03:02:36 PM »
Which makes that phone call useful for something other than simply making someone stop worrying.

wolfie

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #51 on: February 06, 2014, 03:08:06 PM »
Which makes that phone call useful for something other than simply making someone stop worrying.

You say that like it is a bad thing to worry about people or to reassure them that all is well. I have been in the situation where I was wondering for hours wether someone was okay only to get the call from the hospital saying they were in an accident. I don't feel like a 2 minute phone call or text message is a big deal to let someone know that all is well. It's not like I am sitting there from the moment they leave until they get home worrying and doing nothing else, I just get a relief when they call to say they made it and then I go to bed. (because usually that is around 10 - 11 pm)

WonderWoman

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #52 on: February 06, 2014, 03:17:35 PM »
So, your mom doesn't want you to drive. But does want you to take public transportation or ride with someone else.

She does realize that the same cars are on the road whether you're driving, riding the bus or riding with another driver, right?

So unless you have been known to drive like Justin Bieber, I don't see how there is any logic involved in her pleas for you to not drive. (I see that she has admitted you are a fine driver.)

I realize she is acting based on anxiety/phobia and not logic. But you can't live your life a prisoner to that.

I see this is one of those times in life where you are stepping out of the world your family made with its inherent rules (often based on your parents' likes/dislikes/phobias/etc.) and creating your own life and your own rules. It can be scary to break those old ingrained "rules" - for both parties (parent and child). Good luck!

Lynn2000

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #53 on: February 06, 2014, 03:41:43 PM »
Just as an "amusing" side note: My first roommate in college (shared room) insisted that her boyfriend call her when he got home from working the late shift every night. Which meant, sometime around 3am five nights a week, the phone would ring in our dorm room. She would get up to answer it half-asleep, and then in the morning wouldn't remember and would be angry that he hadn't called. ::) Trust me, he called, *I* remember it well.

I think it's the demanding/insisting that's rude, and gets my hackles up. If both parties are cool with calling, why not? But the moment someone got bossy about it, I would shut it down.
~Lynn2000

MrTango

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #54 on: February 06, 2014, 03:51:55 PM »
I do want to say that I think it is reasonable to contact someone whose company you are leaving to inform them you made it home if it is a long drive. it is 1.5 hours to my parents so I call them when i get home and they call me when they get home. I do NOT think it is reasonable to call people who don't even know you left the house that you got home (So I won't be calling my parents to tell them I made it home from snow tubing this weekend) - or to call people who are close by.

I agee with this, in general, but I think that in the OP's position, I would still refuse to call/email/text my mother no matter how long the drive.  I think of it as similar to the advice not to JADE with people who are being pushy.

GratefulMaria

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #55 on: February 06, 2014, 03:52:41 PM »
For me, the line gets crossed when I'm asked to make someone's fear *my* priority.

wolfie

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #56 on: February 06, 2014, 03:56:19 PM »
I do want to say that I think it is reasonable to contact someone whose company you are leaving to inform them you made it home if it is a long drive. it is 1.5 hours to my parents so I call them when i get home and they call me when they get home. I do NOT think it is reasonable to call people who don't even know you left the house that you got home (So I won't be calling my parents to tell them I made it home from snow tubing this weekend) - or to call people who are close by.

I agee with this, in general, but I think that in the OP's position, I would still refuse to call/email/text my mother no matter how long the drive.  I think of it as similar to the advice not to JADE with people who are being pushy.

I agree - think the OP's mom is in her own category right now and it would be best  not to indulge her.

Last_Dance

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updated post 29
« Reply #57 on: February 06, 2014, 05:40:19 PM »
Well, today was... Interesting.

Turns out that dealing with mom's anxiety about my driving will be the least of my problems: she has admitted she is depressed, and in the same breath announced she won't see a doctor.
There's nothing in her life that makes her happy - not her job, not her marriage, nothing.

Part of me aches for her because I've been there, but some of the situations she complained about were her own doing - she seems to be remembering them differently now but I have witnesses.

Dad won't be any help, he's all for quiet living and not rocking the boat.

I wish they'd stop telling me their problems dumping their problems on me, followed by "don't tell your father/mother" and just talk to each other - and possibly listen to each other, too.
 
I don't know what to do. Mom claimed she doesn't want anything, just to be left alone.

It's probably not the right place for this ( sorry mods). Sorry if it doesn't make much sense but I had to get it off my chest
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

LeveeWoman

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updates #29 #58
« Reply #58 on: February 06, 2014, 05:52:31 PM »
The next time either starts dumping on you, make an excuse and get off the phone.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: "I don't want you to drive your car" updates #29 #58
« Reply #59 on: February 06, 2014, 06:21:32 PM »
The next time either starts dumping on you, make an excuse and get off the phone.

"The cat's on fire" is an EHell classic.  Very effective.