Another Picky Eater Question.

[fklwmn]

Believe it or not, my food choices don't often cause me problems. This was just not a good weekend 

Sunday morning my mother was planning a Christmas Brunch. My Brother and his GF were still in town and my Uncle and his family were driving up from NC to do our annual Xmas gift exchange. They arrived Saturday night but since I had a party to go to that night my mother opted to invite me (everyone else was staying at her place Sat night) for brunch Sunday morning, to be followed by presents, and just a nice afternoon hanging out before Uncle & Co had to leave. Mom asked me to be there @ 10am for breakfast. Even called and woke me up at 9 to make sure I'd be on time. No problem.

I lived with my mother for 21 years. in 21 years she never ONCE cooked a breakfast I wouldn't eat. Never. She might fix French toast, which I'm not a fan of, but I'll eat it if it's served, but never anything that I REALLY did not like. And since I lived with her for 21 years, she knows what I will and won't eat. At breakfast I'll eat MOST things, but this was the brunch menu for Sunday:

* Egg Casserole - I don't eat cheese in my eggs. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

* French Toast Casserole - It was covered with some brown sugar topping full of crushed pecans. I DON'T eat nuts in anything. Ever. I like them fine on their own, but IMO they ruin every dish they are put in by changing the consistency.

* Pineapple Casserole - I don't eat pineapple. period.

In all my life, I have never known my mother to make a breakfast casserole (or any other kind for that matter...). But in one morning she decided to fix THREE. I ended up scrambling myself some eggs while everyone else ate breakfast. I would have rather slept an extra hour and grabbed a breakfast bar to eat on the drive over, and I would have if I had known what was on the menu. I'm not sure what my mom was thinking. When I asked her about it she said she was sure I'd find "something" to eat when I got there.

So what do you think... was she rude to plan a brunch that knowingly did not include ANY foods that one of the invitees (I hesitate to call myself a guest) would like? Should she have warned me of what she was serving so I could plan accordingly? In my opinion, she knew I'd skip the brunch portion if I'd known what she was serving ahead of time, and she didn't want me to do that.

[Bijou]

Believe it or not, my food choices don't often cause me problems. This was just not a good weekend 

Sunday morning my mother was planning a Christmas Brunch. My Brother and his GF were still in town and my Uncle and his family were driving up from NC to do our annual Xmas gift exchange. They arrived Saturday night but since I had a party to go to that night my mother opted to invite me (everyone else was staying at her place Sat night) for brunch Sunday morning, to be followed by presents, and just a nice afternoon hanging out before Uncle & Co had to leave. Mom asked me to be there @ 10am for breakfast. Even called and woke me up at 9 to make sure I'd be on time. No problem.

I lived with my mother for 21 years. in 21 years she never ONCE cooked a breakfast I wouldn't eat. Never. She might fix French toast, which I'm not a fan of, but I'll eat it if it's served, but never anything that I REALLY did not like. And since I lived with her for 21 years, she knows what I will and won't eat. At breakfast I'll eat MOST things, but this was the brunch menu for Sunday:

* Egg Casserole - I don't eat cheese in my eggs. it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

* French Toast Casserole - It was covered with some brown sugar topping full of crushed pecans. I DON'T eat nuts in anything. Ever. I like them fine on their own, but IMO they ruin every dish they are put in by changing the consistency.

* Pineapple Casserole - I don't eat pineapple. period.

In all my life, I have never known my mother to make a breakfast casserole (or any other kind for that matter...). But in one morning she decided to fix THREE. I ended up scrambling myself some eggs while everyone else ate breakfast. I would have rather slept an extra hour and grabbed a breakfast bar to eat on the drive over, and I would have if I had known what was on the menu. I'm not sure what my mom was thinking. When I asked her about it she said she was sure I'd find "something" to eat when I got there.

So what do you think... was she rude to plan a brunch that knowingly did not include ANY foods that one of the invitees (I hesitate to call myself a guest) would like? Should she have warned me of what she was serving so I could plan accordingly? In my opinion, she knew I'd skip the brunch portion if I'd known what she was serving ahead of time, and she didn't want me to do that.

It would have been considerate for her do all dishes that you could enjoy, too, I think.  Maybe she just thinks her kids can raid the fridge and had her heart set on those particular dishes for her brunch. 

[jaxsue]

I'd starve if I had been at that meal. I love french toast but adding nuts to the dish? Yuck!

My mom is always forgetting what I like or am allergic to (nuts, most fruit when raw). When I'm visiting she'll bring out something like coconut cream pie and act surprised when I decline, having forgotten that I detest coconut. I like my foods simple, and my family always thought that adding lots of stuff to a dish improved it. Not in my opinion. For this reason they labeled me a "picky eater."

[Gileswench]

I'd assume thoughtlessness on your mother's part rather than deliberate rudeness...but it does seem a little odd that she wouldn't remember to include anything you would eat. Maybe she just discovered these recipes and was excited about trying them out.

OTOH, you're not obligated to eat something you dislike, especially if it will make you unwell.

I'm not sure what could have been done in this situation short of your mother realizing she'd come up with a meal you couldn't bring yourself to eat and whipping up something for you...or allowing you to do it for yourself without comment.

It's not polite to refuse an entire meal and then make yourself something to eat in front of the cook, but your mother was not polite in making only foods she should have known you wouldn't eat. IOW, I don't think either of you meant to be rude, but both of you managed it anyway. Demerits all around, and I hope you both do better next time. But you might slip that energy bar into your purse so you can say something about how everything looks lovely, but you just can't eat right now...and then slip away and quietly have your bar when nobody's looking.

[Chocolate Cake]

Maybe your mother was tired of 21 years of having to deny herself her favorite recipes in order to please your palate.   I have a 13 year old picky eater and I'm darn tired of having to cater to his habits already, so I can just imagine how your Mom's feels with 21 years of it under her belt. 

I don't think she was thoughtless or rude.  I think she made food that the majority could enjoy, which is a hard enough task without having to factor in the many, many things that you won't eat.

Now that you are an adult and out of the house, it falls on you to figure out what to do if nothing on the menu appeals to you.    I like the idea of carrying an energy bar in your purse.   

[fklwmn]

Maybe your mother was tired of 21 years of having to deny herself her favorite recipes in order to please your palate.   I have a 13 year old picky eater and I'm darn tired of having to cater to his habits already, so I can just imagine how your Mom's feels with 21 years of it under her belt. 

I don't think she was thoughtless or rude.  I think she made food that the majority could enjoy, which is a hard enough task without having to factor in the many, many things that you won't eat.

Now that you are an adult and out of the house, it falls on you to figure out what to do if nothing on the menu appeals to you.    I like the idea of carrying an energy bar in your purse.   

Actually, my mother rarely has to deny herself anything any longer, as I have been out of the house for more than 8 years. and I don't have an issue with what she cooked, but withthe fact that she cooked it KNOWING I wouldn't eat any of it, and did not tell me ahead of time.

So rather than "We're having a Christmas brunch on Sunday, you're coming RIGHT?" (very loaded 'you are expected to be there' kind of tone) which is what she said, I think it would have been much less rude of her to say " We're having brunch on Sunday. You're welcome to join us if you'd like. I'm serving XXX, XXXX, and XXXXX." To which I would have replied "Oh, thank you for the invitation, but I think I'll join you after you've eaten. What time should I be there?" Which means she wouldn't have needed to alter her menu, and I wouldn't have shown up thinking "Okay, did she FORGET that I was coming to brunch, or did she just not care if I starved?"

[jaxsue]

>>Maybe your mother was tired of 21 years of having to deny herself her favorite recipes in order to please your palate.<<

I know you were responding to the OP, but my question is, what if the food contains something the individual's allergic to (such as nuts, which is a common allergy)?

I like most foods and don't consider myself a picky eater, but some families dub a family member just that when they have different tastes. For instance, as a child I didn't like cooked vegies - I wanted them raw. I was given grief for that! Now, as we know, raw vegies are much better than cooked.

[Chocolate Cake]

I know you were responding to the OP, but my question is, what if the food contains something the individual's allergic to (such as nuts, which is a common allergy)?

Certainly, if the pickiness was due to a food allergy, that's a different situation.   Otherwise, I don't think any host is obligated to recite their menu to any guest ahead of time or to alter their chosen menu due to a guest's pickiness.   

[platys]

I lived for 2 years with a very picky eater, and it gets really really old, especially if you like to cook.   Now, I always made a point of trying to include something that my ex-fiance would eat.  Now, your mom probably should have done the same, but she probalby figured out of three entree choices, you'd find something you could eat.

Now, I've sadly had to turn into a bit of a picky eater (I have a lap-band), but I never ask anyone to change their menu.  Once, a friend made Speghetti Pie for our dinner.  Now, I can't eat noodles, so I just ate the topping on the pie quite happily, along with a little salad.

I probably just would have scraped the topping off the french toast and eaten that - I've had to do that with sour cream fairly often.  Or, when faced with an entirely inedible breakfast (the ex's mother, while a lovely woman, can't cook, and would make this godawful egg frittata thing. I can eat eggs, but only when not cooked to the rubber stage), I'd just say I wasn't hungry, and sit at the table with everyone else and drink coffee or juice. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

As a hostess, she should cater to her guests palates.  As an an adult and invited guest, if she didnt mention the menu, the onus was on you to ask - even if you know the hostes already knows your tastes. 

[Hawkwatcher]

I lived for 2 years with a very picky eater, and it gets really really old, especially if you like to cook.   Now, I always made a point of trying to include something that my ex-fiance would eat.  Now, your mom probably should have done the same, but she probalby figured out of three entree choices, you'd find something you could eat.

I can see where living with a picky eater can get old.  However, there is a difference in trying to accommodate someone who lives with you every single day and a guest.  If the OP still lived with her mother then the OP should cook her own meals if she did not like what her mother was serving.  Your ex-fiance should also have fixed his own meals if he did not like what you were cooking. 

But since the OP's mother made a point of inviting her like any other guest, she should treat her like any other guest.  In other words, she probably should have included something that her daughter would eat.  She could have done this with very little effort by including a bowl of fresh fruit or plain toast.

However, I agree with rdge that the OP should have asked what was on the menu before accepting her invitation. 

[Chocolate Cake]

she should treat her like any other guest.  In other words, she probably should have included something that her daughter would eat.

That may be fine for one guest, but extrapolate this courtesy times more than one picky guest and it gets to be a hassle for the hostess.   She's already making foods that the majority would eat (nothing out of the ordinary like alligator meat quiche or pigeon eggs).  That's why I don't think it's wise for a hostess to open that door; she'd be cooking all day -- multiple dishes to suit multiple requirements.  She's not a restaurant, after all!

If someone knows that their eating habits tend to be difficult for others to meet, they should make a point of eating ahead of time 'just in case'. 

[Hawkwatcher]

Believe me, I understand that it can be difficult to accommodate various eating preferences and diets because I have relatives and in-laws who are on restrictive diets and these diets change frequently.  While I do not spend hours in the kitchen, I do try to offer a variety foods for my guests.  I find that as I offer long as plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables to my in-laws, they are happy and I have accommodated their diets with very little effort.  Until recently, my mother was a little more difficult to feed because she had a difficult time swallowing and digesting most types of food.  I found that I was safe if I offered her soup (canned soup was perfectly acceptable).

While I agree that the OP's mom is not running a restaurant, she probably could have found ways to include her daughter without very little effort on her part.  For example, if the OP loves fresh apples, the OP's mother could have offered her guests fresh apples at her brunch.  If the OP likes donuts, the OP's mother could buy a dozen donuts for her guests.  If this was too much hassle, she could have waited to invite her daughter over when it would be more convenient.

[fklwmn]

As a hostess, she should cater to her guests palates.  As an an adult and invited guest, if she didnt mention the menu, the onus was on you to ask - even if you know the hostes already knows your tastes. 

agreed. Though with my parents it is not usually an issue b/c they only invite me over when they are fixing something they know I particularly like. And as I said before, my mother has NEVER fixed a breakfast that I would not eat before. Maybe something I didn't LOVE, but not something I wouldn't eat. So it never occurred to me to ask. Trust me, I learned my lesson this time, and from now on I'll ask before making the extra effort to be there!