Author Topic: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)  (Read 7374 times)

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poundcake

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2014, 05:41:16 AM »
This sounds like a job for CaptainAwkward.com!

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2014, 12:50:29 PM »
Not only blunt, but shut the door.  He cannot handle "just friends".  If you are communicating to him in any way, then he is going to perceive that there is a chance.

And I also have late and stressful Wednesdays.  Anyone who showed up after I had told them I needed to de-stress would get an earful.
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Mikayla

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2014, 12:50:47 PM »
So he's not going to be getting a call back until I have time to sit down and do the talk.
(snip)

Luckily he is not on FB/Twitter, does not have email, and in fact, does not even know how to use a computer (amazing, in this day and age, but one less thing to worry about). Maybe it would be easier if he did, because I could email him the "not interested" part.

I strongly suggest you avoid a phone call.  When you mention "do the talk", this isn't like a couple breaking up where you'd owe your partner a personal interaction.  Besides, there's nothing to talk about.  He is forcing you into a position where you have to be both blunt and final. 

I really liked Pastry Goddess's wording.  Is there any way you can either send it by snail mail or even drop it inside his outer door if he has one?  If you could get it to his post office by this evening, he'd probably get it tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.

The phone call is too risky, because you'll be too tempted to JADE or be polite.  That's understandable, but you already know it doesn't achieve anything.  And if you do this, I would type it, not write it.

veronaz

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2014, 12:59:11 PM »
Quote
I strongly suggest you avoid a phone call.  When you mention "do the talk", this isn't like a couple breaking up where you'd owe your partner a personal interaction.  Besides, there's nothing to talk about.  He is forcing you into a position where you have to be both blunt and final.

This......definitely.

There's nothing to "have a talk" about.

No face to face meeting, no call, no talks, no walks, just send him a note in the mail and (hopefully) be done with it.

But.......keep a copy.  He might decide to try again/later.

OP - do you have a (real) male friend/buddy or relative who might deal with him if he persists?

ETA:  Want to clarify I'm not suggesting threats or physical violence.  Just a brief, no-nonsense "Raintree has told you she wants no more contact."
« Last Edit: February 10, 2014, 01:16:41 PM by veronaz »

Seraphia

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2014, 01:11:52 PM »
So he's not going to be getting a call back until I have time to sit down and do the talk.
(snip)

Luckily he is not on FB/Twitter, does not have email, and in fact, does not even know how to use a computer (amazing, in this day and age, but one less thing to worry about). Maybe it would be easier if he did, because I could email him the "not interested" part.

I strongly suggest you avoid a phone call.  When you mention "do the talk", this isn't like a couple breaking up where you'd owe your partner a personal interaction.  Besides, there's nothing to talk about.  He is forcing you into a position where you have to be both blunt and final. 

I really liked Pastry Goddess's wording.  Is there any way you can either send it by snail mail or even drop it inside his outer door if he has one?  If you could get it to his post office by this evening, he'd probably get it tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.

The phone call is too risky, because you'll be too tempted to JADE or be polite.  That's understandable, but you already know it doesn't achieve anything.  And if you do this, I would type it, not write it.

Writing sounds like a good idea. This guy wants contact - any contact, to try and feed his fantasy of winning you over. He's saying you're sending "mixed messages," but the only "mixing" is happening in his head when his desire to be with you mixes with your expressed desire to NOT be with him. Sounds like he's bought into the idea that "being persistent" is more important to having a relationship than actual consent from the other half of the relationship.

Be more blunt than your history nudges you to be. No "I think," "I just," "maybe," etc. I like PastryGoddess's wording.
Ancora Imparo - I am still learning

Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2014, 04:47:20 PM »
I do feel I've encouraged him. I didn't mean to. I've had male friends who understood boundaries. So when he brought dinner (this was a different time, that I didn't tell you about) I thought it was OK. That time, he called a few days in advance and offered to bring take-out dinner to my place, after I was done work. It sounded like an OK idea at the time. He brought over a ton of food, turned out it was from a place I really like and is not cheap, and it was delicious, though I hadn't realized he was going to go all out like that. He left in good time after dinner and I thanked him very much for the dinner, though I think after that I felt uncomfortable with having accepted this lavish feast when I really wasn't interested in him, and in fact, dining with him at all. I believe this was the point where I began to feel uncomfortable (and then the remarks about wanting to kiss, etc etc began).

dawbs

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2014, 05:15:47 PM »
That's "nice guy" TM- BS for encouraging.

I mean, let's say that being given a gold-watch is a sign that you're serious about dating someone (it used to be a common pre-engagement gift...).
So...I mention to a friend that my watch needs batteries.  Friend offers to replace the batteries and, the next day, he surprises me with my watch, all newly gold-plated.
Me taking back my watch doesn't mean we're dating, it means that he took advantage of a loophole to shoehorn something into my life to try to force me into something.

You didn't say "oh, sure, let's go to expensviefancypants for dinner" and agree to a date...he said "hey, as friends, let me bring dinner" and he shoehorned in something to force you into an uncomfortable obligation.

You trying to navigate that doesn't make you leading him on, it makes him the sort of redacted that doesn't listen to what women say, that forces uncomfortable situations, and (assuming he implies at all that you lead him on) who pretends to be clueless as a way of nice-guy-friendzone-guilt-BSing women into a situatin they ahve been crystal clear about avoiding.

Arila

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2014, 05:54:01 PM »
I agree that you do not owe him a personal & live conversation about why you no longer wish contact. I see his message that he's away from home for a few days as the perfect opportunity to leave a voice mail with The Message.

However, I see the above as somewhat problematic, because something so abrupt could lead to some last minute desperate attempts at contact.

Since the OP hasn't made any mention of feeling in danger from him, a live conversation which lets him ask some questions and get some answers but ends on a FIRM ENDING might help him close the book too. Working with him may be temporarily uncomfortable, but result in a more satisfactory long-term solution. The key, however, is to end the relationship and the call very firmly. He shouldn't feel that there's any wiggle room, so you would want to script out your closing very specifically (no knee jerk "Talk to you later!" as you hang up), and perhaps even ask him to clarify his understanding that you do not wish for him to initiate any further contact.

Ceallach

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2014, 07:49:47 PM »
I do feel I've encouraged him. I didn't mean to. I've had male friends who understood boundaries. So when he brought dinner (this was a different time, that I didn't tell you about) I thought it was OK. That time, he called a few days in advance and offered to bring take-out dinner to my place, after I was done work. It sounded like an OK idea at the time. He brought over a ton of food, turned out it was from a place I really like and is not cheap, and it was delicious, though I hadn't realized he was going to go all out like that. He left in good time after dinner and I thanked him very much for the dinner, though I think after that I felt uncomfortable with having accepted this lavish feast when I really wasn't interested in him, and in fact, dining with him at all. I believe this was the point where I began to feel uncomfortable (and then the remarks about wanting to kiss, etc etc began).

I'm glad you posted this, because to me reading your post I honestly could see how he could claim "mixed messages".

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that when a woman hugs a man or invites him for dinner she is asking for a sexual advance!   However, when a person has expressed the desire for more to the relationship sometimes we need to avoid anything that might encourage them to have hope, and ensure that our actions match our words.     With a reasonable, sensible person that shouldn't be necessary, so you are in no way at fault here.  But it is an unfortunate fact that when somebody has romantic intentions they tend to look for signs of encouragement that just aren't there.   

The guys sounds incredibly annoying and to be honest I'm amazed you haven't cut him off sooner!   Definitely time to make it abundantly clear through your actions that you don't want to form a relationship.   I wouldn't bother talking to him, you don't owe him anything. 
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2014, 08:42:28 PM »
Yeah, the nice take-out dinner was the beginning of the realization for me that I didn't like where it seemed to be going; I had meant it when I said I wanted to be friends; that first afternoon sitting in my kitchen drinking tea to catch up on the previous 14 years was great, but to me, friends are people who I see once in a while without the need to be in constant contact. I never intended to have him back in my life with daily phone calls and multiple visits in the space of a week (that is something you might expect of someone you were in a relationship with, but not a friend). I have another ex that I still consider a very close friend, but he doesn't act this way, and we sometimes go months without talking. Then we might go have dinner one evening, thoroughly enjoy it, and there are no vibes of that nature at all, and no need to call each other for a while. Then we send the odd email exchange if there is any big news to be shared.  Perhaps it is unusual but I value his friendship very much and we both know that neither of us is interested "that way."

So that is more of what I'd envisioned. So now that I've inadvertently encouraged something, I need to backpedal fast.

By the way, I have no idea what I EVER saw in him. He hasn't changed much, so I guess I must have.


PastryGoddess

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2014, 09:17:25 PM »

By the way, I have no idea what I EVER saw in him. He hasn't changed much, so I guess I must have.



And that is the most important thing to remember.

Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2014, 10:03:43 PM »
It is Monday night. I am sitting here and I heard a knock at my door. I am not expecting anyone. Why open the door if I am not expecting anyone? Even if it's not him, could be a salesperson, or someone looking to case the place or worse. Whomever it was that knocked was very persistent. They kept knocking and knocking for about 5 full minutes. Then my phone rang. I have not checked to see who it is, because my phone is sitting in the kitchen, where I have curtains wide open (it's been dark for an hour and I just haven't got around to closing them). In case he walked around the back. I don't want him to see me. I'm on an upper floor. So what he would see from outside is, all my lights on, car out front, curtains at front closed, and a full view into the kitchen. So now I feel I have to hide in my front room for the next half hour to make sure he's gone by the time I venture into the kitchen, and I wanted to make dinner in a few minutes.

Not that I am scared of him, but I WAS NOT EXPECTING HIM. I thought he was going to be away till Wed. I told him I don't like drop-ins, and he seemed to agree not to do it, and NOW HE'S DONE IT ANYWAY.

What if I had company? What if I had a new guy in my life and they happened to be over for dinner? What if I was waiting for a new date to pick me up? What if this is just a plain old interruption to whatever it was I was doing? (It *is* 7 PM when a lot of people are eating dinner).

I don't appreciate having my personal space invaded in this way, having to hide out in my living room when I am hungry, and it confirms what I feel and what you are all telling me to do.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2014, 10:07:45 PM by Raintree »

oz diva

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2014, 10:06:05 PM »
If it was him, and it probably was, now he is stalking you. You shouldn't have to feel trapped in your own home.

Victoria

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2014, 10:07:00 PM »
I think you should have opened your door and told him to go away and never contact you again.  My home is my refuge.  When someone disturbs that, we are done

Raintree

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Re: I guess I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I? (Long)
« Reply #29 on: February 10, 2014, 10:17:46 PM »
OK it was my sister who called on the phone right after the knock. And I haven't called her back yet but I can guarantee it wasn't her who knocked. She lives in another city, and besides, would never just drop by without calling.

So maybe it was some kind of door to door canvasser, salesperson, charity, etc. I still like my policy of not answering unless I'm expecting someone. Could be dangerous when I'm alone. I will find out if it was him though, when I talk to him Wednesday and tell him that the "friendship" is over.