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  • March 30, 2015, 02:20:49 AM

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Author Topic: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?  (Read 3273 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #45 on: February 18, 2015, 05:54:32 PM »
Yeah, destination weddings can be a touchy subject. Personally, I don't think they're inherently rude. It always sounds fun and romantic and exciting to me. But, I don't think you can expect them to be large. To my mind destination weddings are very small--you and your very, very closest family and friends jetting off to a tropical vacation spot. If key players can't come, then you drop the plan (never whine or pressure!).

If it's important to you to have a big wedding, then you have to set up conditions such that a lot of people are easily able to be there. That just seems like common sense to me. The more barriers you put on attending the wedding, the more people are going to be filtered out (decline if you invite them).
~Lynn2000

sammycat

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #46 on: February 18, 2015, 07:52:34 PM »
I'm old fashioned, so this is just my opinion. Expecting guests, including members of the wedding party, to spend a couple thousand dollars to attend your wedding is too much. Expecting guests to take more than one day off from work for your wedding is too much. If I get married, I can't expect everyone else's lives to revolve around me and my wedding.

Absolutely, totally, agree.

PastryGoddess

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #47 on: February 18, 2015, 09:27:40 PM »
I'm old fashioned, so this is just my opinion. Expecting guests, including members of the wedding party, to spend a couple thousand dollars to attend your wedding is too much. Expecting guests to take more than one day off from work for your wedding is too much. If I get married, I can't expect everyone else's lives to revolve around me and my wedding.

Absolutely, totally, agree.

I think we can, and have, gone round and round in circles about whether destination weddings are rude. It's not about being a destination wedding, it's about flaking on a commitment.

However in this case, the BM is an integral part of the wedding who made a promise to be there.  The OP and DF got his promise to be the BM and all that it entails for him based on their current wedding plans.  If the BM was not comfortable with those plans, then he had a chance to say no.  Unless I've read the OP wrong, nothing about their wedding has changed from when he agreed to be the BM.   His behavior would be rude even if this wedding was held at the local courthouse or in someones backyard. 

LifeOnPluto

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #48 on: February 18, 2015, 09:37:11 PM »
I'm old fashioned, so this is just my opinion. Expecting guests, including members of the wedding party, to spend a couple thousand dollars to attend your wedding is too much. Expecting guests to take more than one day off from work for your wedding is too much. If I get married, I can't expect everyone else's lives to revolve around me and my wedding.

Absolutely, totally, agree.

I think we can, and have, gone round and round in circles about whether destination weddings are rude. It's not about being a destination wedding, it's about flaking on a commitment.

However in this case, the BM is an integral part of the wedding who made a promise to be there.  The OP and DF got his promise to be the BM and all that it entails for him based on their current wedding plans.  If the BM was not comfortable with those plans, then he had a chance to say no.  Unless I've read the OP wrong, nothing about their wedding has changed from when he agreed to be the BM.   His behavior would be rude even if this wedding was held at the local courthouse or in someones backyard.

I agree with this. I also think it's very telling that BM's and his DF's flakiness (and snarkiness on her part) only emerged when the OP and her DF made it clear it wasn't possible for them to attend THEIR wedding.

Awestruck Shmuck

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #49 on: February 19, 2015, 02:13:43 AM »
I think all one can expect from a close friend (or family member) is that theyconsider the invitation carefully. Putting some effort in to determine what is possible (checking finances, leave accrued, etc). A couple cannot expect anyone, really, to go to a destination wedding - if it is not possible due to any one of the many possible reasons, that make a trip impossible.

We got married last year - half of our bridal party was from interstate - but I knew that I really, absolutely wanted them there if they could manage it - so we budgeted from the get go, to contribute to flights, accommodation, making things financially viable for them all to attend (out of the 40 people, 10 were bridal party/ushers - and the other 30 were family). As well as contributing, we spoke with almost everyone we invited (during the planning stages), to ensure there weren't likely to be any major clashes, or people missing (for instance, if my brother had something else on, that would have knocked out 5 of the people we wanted there the most)...I don't think that's necessary for all people, on all occasions - but I feel like you did everything you could to outline what would be possible, and what would not. You did everything right.

I can understand the disappointment your friends are feeling - but that's not on your head.

I hope DF and his Best Man manage to speak directly and sort something out. I would avoid talking to the wife about it if at all possible - sounds like she's having a bit of fun keeping you guessing!

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #50 on: February 19, 2015, 12:52:33 PM »
We have confirmation they should be making arrangements by the end of the weekend for hotels and then will let us know where they are staying (if we have to provide a sitter we need to know where the sitter will be provided).  BM directly responded to all requests so its not clear what was going on although he may have simply just been outvoted for a bit by his FW.  Either way, I feel more confident hearing it from him and, likewise, he suggested he call my sister this weekend and talk to her if she will be home.  So, from now on, DF will only talk on the phone to him about wedding stuff.  No texting or messaging back and forth.  No going through intermediaries.  It may just be the case that the BM's FW just wants to keep us stressed out as retribution.  As long as all of this goes to plan, we should be good.

And I don't think destination weddings are inherently rude, obviously, but it's asking too much to demand people spend this level of cash to attend.  I agree all you can ask for is a consideration of the invite.  Expecting people to just "fall in line" because you sent them one is just asking too much.  I don't even mind the idea of paying for a night or two at a hotel when the flight is reasonably priced.  We gladly would have taken the weekend if the flights were cheaper and we could just stay one or two nights but that was simply not an option.  When you set up this many barriers, you should expect these results!