Author Topic: Snarky or guilty conscience?  (Read 7383 times)

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hopeful4

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Snarky or guilty conscience?
« on: February 10, 2014, 12:36:13 PM »
 Had lunch with a friend of mine.   We were getting caught up on work, families, etc... She told me this story and was wondering if her comment was snarky or not....

DF was at her son's home over the holidays. Her DS is married and the gathering included DF, her other DS & his wife, and her DIL family.  Lots of pics taken.  Everyone having a good time.   A few days later, DIL posts a collage of about 70 pictures on FB.  Pictures include everyone who was at the gathering, except DF.   DF thinks this is odd, pictures were taken of everyone including her and yet, out of 70 pictures, she is not in one.  She is a little hurt and comments "Very nice, pictures of your friends and loved ones."  DIL gets angry and tells DS that his mom is being snarky.   Is she?

There is a little background info.  DF's DIL is a hair stylist.  DF would have her hair cut by DIL and pay her around $75 - 100 (more than she paid anyone else) because she was her DIL.  However, DF was never really happy with the way DIL would cut her hair.  Although she tried to explain what she wanted, DF's and DIL's styles never meshed.  Another friend recommended a different stylist DF tried and liked (I thought her hair looked much better as well).  DIL was angry about this, probably more about the $$ (more background I will not get into).   

I told DF that her comment in and of itself isn't snarky but maybe her DIL is feeling a little guilty and trying to pass the blame.  What do you think?

TootsNYC

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2014, 12:38:39 PM »
I think it was a little snarky.

Lauds

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2014, 12:42:40 PM »
I think it is the comma that makes it read as snarky.

Snooks

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2014, 12:43:57 PM »
Your friend was wrong to comment. I can't think of a nice way to complain that someone didn't post photos of you on FB.

TurtleDove

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2014, 12:44:20 PM »
Had it been, "Very nice pictures of your friends and loved ones!" I would have no problem with DF's comment. The problem is that, as written, the snark DF intended comes through loud and clear. It seems strange that the DF would be upset or confused by the DIL'a reaction when DF intended her comment to be snarky in the first place.

JenJay

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2014, 12:48:10 PM »
To me it reads more passive aggressive than snarky. The thing is, if omitting DF was an honest and accidental oversight wouldn't DIL have responded "I agree! It was such a lovely day!!" or similar? The fact that her reaction was to accuse DF of snark suggests that she knows DF is probably upset over the fact that she wasn't included in the pics. That doesn't mean DIL deliberately excluded her but I can see why DF might feel that way.

I think your friend should contact DIL directly and apologize if her comment came across negatively and explain that, while that wasn't her intent (I hope) she was hurt and felt left out. Give the DIL a chance to respond rather than make assumptions about her intent.

shhh its me

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2014, 12:52:01 PM »
  Yes, a little snarky.

Sometimes a little snark is effective I would suggest not to use any snark with this DIL.   While I would not recommend nitpicking every FB post saying gently and PRIVATELY "  The party was very nice and the pictures are lovely  but I felt a little left out " * would have been better then snark.

Was your friend consciously intending to express her hurt or not have DIL notice she wasn't included? if you was thats the very definition of PA.   Without knowing she was there and not included in any of the photos it would have seemed like a pleasant comment.

lowspark

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2014, 12:53:20 PM »
Hold on. Was that the entire comment? Or was there any preceding conversation regarding the fact that your friend wasn't in any of the pictures? If there was previous conversation, then yeah, it was snarky although maybe not totally unwarranted.

If there was no previous conversation then in order for SIL to find it snarky, she must have been aware of the fact that your friend wasn't in any of the pix which points to her having left her out deliberately. And that would explain why she found the comment to be snarky.

Mikayla

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2014, 12:54:53 PM »
I think it is the comma that makes it read as snarky.

Good catch.  I agree.

ettiquit

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2014, 12:56:00 PM »
It was more passive-aggressive than snarky, but the DIL's response does make it seem as though omitting DF was deliberate and that was waiting for some kind of comment about it.

That might just be my paranoia talking though.   ::)

shhh its me

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2014, 12:58:25 PM »
Hold on. Was that the entire comment? Or was there any preceding conversation regarding the fact that your friend wasn't in any of the pictures? If there was previous conversation, then yeah, it was snarky although maybe not totally unwarranted.

If there was no previous conversation then in order for SIL to find it snarky, she must have been aware of the fact that your friend wasn't in any of the pix which points to her having left her out deliberately. And that would explain why she found the comment to be snarky.

IT depends on how DF normally comments.  Something can feel "off" and it take a little while to figure out why. OR its possible that DF was knowingly excluded but not maliciously (ie DF pics were all with her eyes closed or making a funny face or with food in her teeth ,or DIL wanting to ask before posting her pic etc)

lowspark

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2014, 01:06:00 PM »
What if there had been pictures of the friend included? And the friend had then posted the exact same comment? It wouldn't be snarky at all.

It seems to me that the only thing that made it snarky was absence of Friend in the pictures. So it can only be interpreted as snarky if both Friend and DIL know that Friend was excluded.

So unless there was conversation about Friend's exclusion, how could DIL possibly interpret snarkiness unless she had deliberately left Friend out. Regardless of the reason why she left friend out.

In other words, she knowingly and consciously left Friend out. She knows there are no pix of Friend. Lacking any evidence that shows that DIL was made to realize that she'd left friend out, the fact that she knows she did indicates why she finds the comment snarky.

Because if she didn't realize she'd left her out, if it was accidental, then how could the comment be interpreted as snarky?

dawbs

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2014, 01:09:20 PM »
Comes across as passive aggressive, with the included info.  The friend intended it the way it was received, by her DIL, no?  as a commentary on being left out?

(and I am probably including my own baggage onto that, since I was chided this weekend for slighting someone because my FB lookback video [that FB creates] left out someone.  Apparently I should reprogram FB's bots to make sure no family members get overlooked)

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2014, 01:09:37 PM »
I think it is the comma that makes it read as snarky.

Good catch.  I agree.

Me too.  If you read it aloud with the comma, it does sound a little sniping.
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hopeful4

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Re: Snarky or guilty conscience?
« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2014, 01:12:02 PM »
OP, here.  Just to clarify, as this was a conversation between DF and I, I don't know if she had a comma there or not.  I just typed one while posting this.  But no, there was no conversation between DF and her DIL about any pictures.  DF commented when she first saw them and was aware of them. 

It may have been an accident but I personally find it a little hard to believe that out of 70 pictures, not one had DF in them.  Not even group shots.  If it was something like 10 or 20, I would find it more believable.  But I don't know for a fact she did it intentionally.   My take on it was more along the lines of lowspark's and maybe her DIL felt she was called on her behavior (whether that was the intention or not, according to DF, it wasn't) and did not like it.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2014, 01:15:02 PM by hopeful4 »