Snarky or guilty conscience?

[Snooks]

It is possible for one person to not be in any shots in a small group.  When we looked at the photos from my 18th birthday which was about 15 people my mom wasn't in a single one. It wasn't in a huge venue just our garden which is about 30 feet long. I'd be interested to know if friend's other son and DIL were featured (not just in the background of a shot) because maybe DIL just picked ones of her family to put on her FB.

[rose red]

I wouldn't think anything of that comment unless there was something for me to feel guilty (for lack of a better word) about. 

[shhh its me]

  I think its possible but pretty unlikely  - DIL read the comment felt something off about it* then noticed MIL wasn't in any of the pics. IE If I post a lot of pics all the time and someone close to me never replies and suddenly does I may go look closer at the pics.  I'm not saying OP friend is generally PA but when a person who is PA does something seemingly pleasant that is out of character or says something in a non typical way they're families can pick up on it without knowing exactly what was meant. 

I think it its possible but not very likely that DIL knew MIL wasn't in the pics because for a good reason. 

Then we have most likely DIL intentionally left MIL out (ok its childish and hurtful) then MIL replied in a PA way.   OP did agree MIL meant it to be a dig , PA as snark, right? I think the answer is still don't be PA with this person , it will just annoy DIL you will not get a good reaction. 

[esposita]

Am I reading correctly, that the son told his mom that his wife said she was being snarky? I really think that this whole thing has next to nothing to do with pictures, and much more to do with a poor relationship all-around. I mean, was he calling to scold his mom? Or was he telling her something that his wife had told him privately?

Its the "pictures of your friends and loved ones" that gets me. It just sounds odd to say your instead of our or something. If it were a poor relationship to start with I'd think that was jabby too.

I think families would be much happier if people would just ask in a friendly way, for petes sake! "Did I look horrible in all the pictures or something? I didn't see any of me and that made me kinda sad!!"

[Kiwichick]

here's a thought--if the DIL didn't know that the MIL was not included in any of the pics, why would she think it was a snarky comment?*snip*

Eh, I can see going "that's a weird comment...oh crap, MIL isn't in any of the mainpictures and is now going to make this into a stupid 2nd grade fight about me nto loving her enough"

I agree, that's the first thing I thought.  The DIL read the comment, went back to the photos and realised her MIL wasn't in any of them.

[gellchom]

Of course we can't tell for sure what either of them intended.  My guess is that the DIL knew she wasn't putting up pictures of her MIL, and the MIL intended the comment to be pointed, if not snarky (I, too, think that the "your friends and family" language supports that).  Both of which I would consider passive aggressive actions.

They both sound very childish to me. 

[Otterpop]

If I were the DIL, I would not get angry.  I'd be mortified that I'd inadvertently left my MIL out and would hastily put up her pics with an apology or "oops" posting.


Getting angry and commenting to DS makes it sound like she did it on purpose and didn't want to be called out. 

[hopeful4]

OP, here.  To clarify, from what DF said, the pictures that DIL posted included everyone else that was there except DF.    There were no more than 20 people so.   After reading the replies, and knowing DF, it is possible she was a little PA.  I could see she would be a little hurt but if so, GrandmaNerd certainly suggested a better way of handling it.   Also, it was the DIL who told her husband, DF son, that DF was being snarky. 

[AnnaJ]

It sounds like both women knew they were snarking, but DIL had to involve her husband?  Time to put on her big girl panties and deal with it, not complain that MIL was mean - when you engage in snark, then you often get it back.

Yes, I'm assuming it was deliberate, because if DIL did it accidentally she wouldn't have had any reason to interpret MIL statement in a negative way.  On the outside chance that it was an accident and DIL realized it after the fact, then it was on her to apologize/explain why in 70 pictures of the family MIL didn't appear in any of them.

And no, neither woman comes out looking particularly good, but the fact that DIL chose to escalate the issue by involving other family members makes her more culpable.   

[dawbs]

Call me crazy (crazy), but I don't see any 'little' in the PA.
DIL posted pictures--intentionally or accidentally left off DF.
DF does a not-very-subtle call out of DIL.

DIL's rudeness can be debated (mostly saying, it depends on intent and how intentional of a snub it was)--all in all, it was probably in bad form and probably rude.
(although I would disagree that responding in anger means guilt.  Sometimes, when it feels like an attack, however justified, the end response is lashing back)


But if the question is "was DF snarky/passive aggressive", I think the fact that she intentionally and publicly slid her jibe into her DIL's public FB post, the answer is a resounding 'yes'. 

[TootsNYC]

OP, here.  To clarify, from what DF said, the pictures that DIL posted included everyone else that was there except DF.    There were no more than 20 people so.   After reading the replies, and knowing DF, it is possible she was a little PA.  I could see she would be a little hurt but if so, GrandmaNerd certainly suggested a better way of handling it.   Also, it was the DIL who told her husband, DF son, that DF was being snarky.

And then the son told his mom.  Very bad form for him.

[esposita]

OP, here.  To clarify, from what DF said, the pictures that DIL posted included everyone else that was there except DF.    There were no more than 20 people so.   After reading the replies, and knowing DF, it is possible she was a little PA.  I could see she would be a little hurt but if so, GrandmaNerd certainly suggested a better way of handling it.   Also, it was the DIL who told her husband, DF son, that DF was being snarky.

And then the son told his mom.  Very bad form for him.

Pod.

[shhh its me]

It sounds like both women knew they were snarking, but DIL had to involve her husband?  Time to put on her big girl panties and deal with it, not complain that MIL was mean - when you engage in snark, then you often get it back.

Yes, I'm assuming it was deliberate, because if DIL did it accidentally she wouldn't have had any reason to interpret MIL statement in a negative way.  On the outside chance that it was an accident and DIL realized it after the fact, then it was on her to apologize/explain why in 70 pictures of the family MIL didn't appear in any of them.

And no, neither woman comes out looking particularly good, but the fact that DIL chose to escalate the issue by involving other family members makes her more culpable.   

I don't think telling your husband is "involving" other family members or escalating.  Marriage is sort of a built in exception to "Don't gossip" or involve others.

Also I don't think calling someone out in a PA way for a slight = you get an apology. it might work out that way but no one is obligated to play that game.

I think if she spitefully excluded her MIL that is mean and childish (but we can't know her motives its likely but without more info its not overwhelmingly likely)

[luvmyboys]

Both parties are PA, neither one accepting responsibility for their actions. Sounds like a crummy relationship, the dil deliberate and your friend afraid to speak her actual mind.  Then throw in the son adding fuel to the fire.  OP, be prepared to hear a lot more of these stories. 

[lollylegs]

I think your friend is being childish, making such a big deal of being left out of a Facebook collage, and I think your friend's son was very wrong to escalate the drama by telling his mum what his wife said. DIL's rudeness depends on whether the slight was intentional or not but no one comes out smelling like a rose.