Author Topic: Card for anniversary of a death  (Read 1479 times)

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Arila

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Card for anniversary of a death
« on: February 10, 2014, 02:21:02 PM »
DH's grandfather passed one year ago (On Valentine's!  :'(). I was thinking of sending a card to his grandmother to mark the anniversary, and let her know that we were thinking of her. I have just a blank card with a b/w photo of a white flower on the front, but I'm having trouble with what to write.

During the last several years of his life, GMa took care of GPa as he was bed bound. A hope that I have is that she has been taking care of her own well being emotionally and physically by not...wallowing. Is there a way to express hope that she has been keeping busy or getting out without saying essentially "Now that Gpa's gone and you have all this free time on your hands, I hope you're doing something FUN!" Should I just keep my mouth shut (as a grand-daughter in law who lives in another country and has met her for tea one afternoon)?


"We are thinking of you -- all our love, DH & Arila" just seems really short. The weather seems trivial, what's going on with us seems "me me me"....

TootsNYC

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2014, 02:23:12 PM »
Tell her a good memory of Grandpa. "DF was telling me just the other day about the time that he fell off the dock when he was fishing with Grandpa; we miss him too."

(and don't ever express hope that she has been "moving on")


I also wouldn't send any newsy stuff--it's my opinion that sympathy cards should never pull in any other topic. It feels disrespectful to me.

TurtleDove

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2014, 02:30:44 PM »
The less said the better, aside from a good story as TootsNYC suggested if you have one.  It is extremely easy to say something that unintentionally causes pain so a sincere, "We love you and are thinking of you," is best.

cutejellybeen

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2014, 09:04:17 AM »
I think I might be the odd duck out here on this subject, but I hate when people call or write to me on the anniversary of my mothers death, I know what day it is, and I know that she died. However the messages that make me the least stabby are ones saying that people are thinking of ME. Not the  ones telling me how they are thinking of my loved one, as that makes it less about me and more about their grieving to me if that makes sense.

That said - I'd go with the short note of how you are both thinking of your husbands grandmother.



perpetua

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2014, 09:08:39 AM »
I think I might be the odd duck out here on this subject, but I hate when people call or write to me on the anniversary of my mothers death, I know what day it is, and I know that she died.

No, I don't think you are. I wouldn't send a card. For all you know, they're trying to forget what day it is. What's meant as a nice gesture could so easily cause pain.

Coley

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2014, 09:53:32 AM »
Today is the 9th anniversary of my dad's death. His funeral was on Valentine's Day. If someone were to remember and send a card thinking of me, I would view it as a kind and thoughtful gesture. The sting of those days has eased somewhat with time, but it comes back on its own as the dates near. I know what day it is, I know when my dad died, and that will never go away.

I agree with PPs that it's probably more helpful to write that you're thinking of her. It may be too much to bring up memories of DH's grandfather. It wouldn't bother me if someone shared a story about my dad (I'd like to hear it), but it might be too much for someone else. It's a YMMV situation.

Luci

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2014, 10:08:46 AM »
I usually send a card on the first anniversary. Something simple on a plain card, a mountain sceen for a man, a flower for a woman, or a cute animal for a child  :'( . It is easy to write something very simple and short. "I know what day this is. We miss her, too." "We are thinking of you and remembering Marg today."

They seem to be appreciated.

Arila

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2014, 11:47:38 AM »
OK, the card's been sent. it looked really empty, I wish I had thought the message would be so short before I got a regular sized card instead of a smaller note card. It just said:

Quote
Grandma,                             Feb 10, 2014






We are thinking of you




All our love,

DH & Arila


Thanks for helping me choose the right path instead of the one paved with good intentions (we know where that one goes)...

nutraxfornerves

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2014, 12:27:22 PM »
Coming in a bit late, but as someone who has been there and done that, I think you took the right approach with your card.

As some here know, Mr. Nutrax passed away suddenly last October. He had used a wheelchair for many years, but more recently , his disabilities had increased and his health declined, so that at the time of his death, I was pretty much a full time caregiver.  I have only recently begun to resume my social life and my volunteer activities.

Mr. Nutrax's birthday was only a few weeks after his death. I received a number of emails and phone calls that were all versions of "thinking of you today. Hope you are well." That was comforting, to know that people cared how I might be feeling that day.

The other day, I attended a volunteer meeting where we signed up for programs in the coming months. For the first time in a couple of years, I was able to sign up for as many programs as I wanted to do. After the meeting, another volunteer, who knew my situation, told me how happy she was to see me there. "So happy to see that you are getting back to volunteering. I understand why you haven't been around much and I know how much you missed it. We've missed you." This was a way of very tactfully saying "looks like you are enjoying yourself now that you have all this free time." The emphasis was on how much they missed me, not on how glad I must be to no longer be confined to home.

One way to say something similar to your grandmother would be to tap into the family grapevine and find out what she's been up to. Then you can call or write and say "Aunt Frieda tells me you've been visiting her/going to the symphony/working in your garden/teaching Sunday school. Sounds like an enjoyable time." If no grapevine--call her & ask what's she's been up to, just as you might with any other relative.

Nutrax
The plural of anecdote is not data

Luci

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Re: Card for anniversary of a death
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2014, 12:58:41 PM »
OK, the card's been sent. it looked really empty, I wish I had thought the message would be so short before I got a regular sized card instead of a smaller note card. It just said:

Quote
Grandma,                             Feb 10, 2014






We are thinking of you




All our love,

DH & Arila


Thanks for helping me choose the right path instead of the one paved with good intentions (we know where that one goes)...

I think this is perfect. I hope Grandma does, too.

By the way, I see your pain, too. You miss Grandpa and hurt for Grandma. Condolences.