"I don't want to calm down!"

[Hillia]

Well, being disrespectful and defiant to me is not the way to get me to fix your dinner, drive you where you need to go, fork over cash for prom/movies/whatever, or do anything else for you.  You need to knock it off right now.

[PeterM]

Well, being disrespectful and defiant to me is not the way to get me to fix your dinner, drive you where you need to go, fork over cash for prom/movies/whatever, or do anything else for you.  You need to knock it off right now.

That's better than my first instinct, which was to punch him in the throat. Calmly.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'd have grabbed him by the ear and pulled his head down into the vicinity of said litter box.

I distinctly remember my brother being a bit of a butthead one day and my Mom was getting mad.  She was normally a yeller but this day, she just grabbed a handful of DB's very thick hair and pulled, resulting in him going where she wanted him to go.

[RegionMom]

Yeah, I was none too happy with my know-it-all 18 year old right then!! 

He HAS heard me yell before, and I was not yelling.  (DH was asleep)
But, the "tone" of my voice was yelling. 

Yes, I will be anxiously awaiting to see how he parents his future errant children years down the road!  And I will grin, evilly. 

Teenagers, boys especially...know...everything.  And I know so so very little.   
I hear that my IQ will raise once he leaves home for college, and in the upcoming years.
If. he. survives.

[RooRoo]

DH says about his formerly extremely ignorant stepfather - the older DH gets, the smarter Stepdad is. By now, he looks like a genius.

Back to the OP.

"But I don't want to calm down! I'm angry and I want to be angry! This needs to be dealt with!"

That right there would make me channel my mother, and say, "You need to grow up!" And, of course, that's even worse than "Calm down." I know, from experience... 

As for "Take a deep breath," no. Strangers do not get to tell me what to do with my body. It's just like telling me how I should be eating.

And, if I was the Dean, I'd want to find out if she threw her hissy fit at her Prof, too, and if she did, counsel her a bit. "There's nothing wrong with being angry, it's what you do with it that makes the difference between being taken seriously, or not."

[JeanFromBNA]

Wow, Region Mom.  I would be saying through gritted teeth:  "You do not get to tell me what to do.  Ever."

[MariaE]

Wow, Region Mom. Hopefully you reprimanded him in some way for speaking to you in that way! (Deliberately not phrased as a question as it's none of my business, I was just shocked by both his actions and that it sounded like he got away with it.)

[MrTango]

"I do not know.  But you need to calm down."

To be honest, I would have started actually yelling.  It would have been my security guard voice amplified by my musical training, at full volume about six inches from his face.  After a few minutes of chewing him out, questioning his character, and taking away every privilege he had (except for eating, sleeping, and going to school) for the next few weeks, I would have dropped my voice to barely above a whisper and said, "You will take care of the litter box. Now."

When I was a kid, if my mom ended up yelling at us and it woke Dad from a nap, her yelling (and whatever she was yelling about) would be the least of our troubles.

[LadyL]

Regionmom, in that situation I'd be tempted to take a deep breath, put on my best unnerving smile, and say in an overly saccharine voice "Calm? Oh, I'm plenty calm. But how calm are you going to feel when I take away <insert privilege here>?"

And later there would be a talk about words that invalidate others and how they are not allowed in the house, from "just calm down" to "you're too sensitive" or "it's not a big deal."

[jaxsue]

Well, being disrespectful and defiant to me is not the way to get me to fix your dinner, drive you where you need to go, fork over cash for prom/movies/whatever, or do anything else for you.  You need to knock it off right now.

ITA! If that is a prevalent attitude, I'd only wash my clothes, make my meals, etc. But then I'm mean that way. 

[bopper]

Came home to find the litter box in dire need of help, b/c child one had not done their job the day before. 
Cue child one to inform child two it was their day.
I said I do not care who does it, jsut get it done.  (kids are in high school)

Two hours later, I pass by and still see it has not been done.

"Children, come forth and do the work that needs to be done for your elderly cat!"

Child one, "mom, calm down."

"What do you mean?  I am not yelling.  I am calling my children, to do a job that should not be reminded to do, and hours ago.  Just do it."

"Mom, we will do it when you calm down."

"Huh?"

"Yelling is not going to make us do it.  Find another way."

"I was not yelling; and yes, I am going to stay here until I see one or both of you making a move to clean the box."

"That is not a way to get us to work."

"What is?  What will you tell you kids when they do not do basic chores for an animal we have had 13 years?"

"I do not know.  But you need to calm down."

It was all I could do to not start yelling, having my 18 year old son patronize me.

DD finally did start working on the box.  Haphazardly.  At least the cat was happy enough.

DS's telling me to calm down was only making me mad.  poor cat!!

I think they teach this skill in "Teenagers 101".


If you don't want to do something...

Don't do it.
When mom asks you again, say "I will."
When mom asks you again, say "I said I would do it!"
When mom asks you again, say "Quit bugging me! Now i am not going to do it because you are bugging me so much about it."

An alternative of this is:
(say, a group chore activity.)
Vaguely agree but don't give a time frame
Go to the area where the chore is to be done but don't tell anyone, and sit there
When mom says come on, let's do the chore, then you say "I have been waiting for you! THis is ridiculous" and storm off.

[zinzin]

Came home to find the litter box in dire need of help, b/c child one had not done their job the day before. 
Cue child one to inform child two it was their day.
I said I do not care who does it, jsut get it done.  (kids are in high school)

Two hours later, I pass by and still see it has not been done.

"Children, come forth and do the work that needs to be done for your elderly cat!"

Child one, "mom, calm down."

"What do you mean?  I am not yelling.  I am calling my children, to do a job that should not be reminded to do, and hours ago.  Just do it."

"Mom, we will do it when you calm down."

"Huh?"

"Yelling is not going to make us do it.  Find another way."

"I was not yelling; and yes, I am going to stay here until I see one or both of you making a move to clean the box."

"That is not a way to get us to work."

"What is?  What will you tell you kids when they do not do basic chores for an animal we have had 13 years?"

"I do not know.  But you need to calm down."

It was all I could do to not start yelling, having my 18 year old son patronize me.

DD finally did start working on the box.  Haphazardly.  At least the cat was happy enough.

DS's telling me to calm down was only making me mad.  poor cat!!

18? I'd be inclined towards "until you pay rent, you can deal with the yelling or find somewhere to live that you feel more what you need. I'm sure you'll quickly learn to work under conditions that are not your exact ideal." Also, kid who shirked the chore needs to do it, even if it has since shifted to someone else's "day".

[RegionMom]

Sorry to sort of derail the thread.  Son is being a twit, no doubt  about it.  We are walking a fine line with him, and he is seeking professional help. 

He was accepted into an excellent university, so therefore knows everything, enough that since he does not like class Y, he decides he does not have to turn in a certain major paper. 

Yeah, he tanked his chance at valedictorian with that one. 

And, he has not been  applying for scholarships, because, "money is not important.  Besides, I will get a good job when I graduate."  He is a National Merit Finalist, but that will only scratch the surface for his tuition. 

I HATE what he has been doing to himself.  But he is 18, and almost fully cooked.  He can cook, do laundry, and even basic sewing, and he behaves great in public,  I get rave reviews from him at church, and surprisingly, even from the teacher whose class he does not like.

Still, his telling me to "calm down" was maddening. 

bopper nailed it. 

TEENS.
Can't live with them, can't kill them.

[TootsNYC]

bopper nailed it. 

TEENS.
Can't live with them, can't kill them.

But you can maim them, can't you?

[RegionMom]

He is a black belt in karate.

(he used to be picked on for being geeky/nerdy.  Until...wham!  One kid in junior high did a wrong move on him and he reacted, without thinking.  No one picks on him now!  And, private school, so he was not in trouble.)

and,
I am short and fat and slow.  And tired. 

Too tired to yell, actually. 

So, yeah, whether or not I was calm or yelling (and the two are not always a team)  I did not need to be patronized.

for other types of maiming, DH and I impose logical consequences.