Author Topic: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013  (Read 3406 times)

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Bethalize

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2014, 09:29:08 AM »
The bride would have bridesmaids with her to confuse evil spirits who are attracted to happy young virgins. That's why the bridesmaids would dress similarly, to confuse said evil spirits. It's custom, not a requirement for politeness' sake.


TootsNYC

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #16 on: February 15, 2014, 12:55:22 PM »

When wealthy, young, unmarried women had maids to attend to their needs, weren't the maids generally unmarried anyway?  I will admit that I am totally guessing at this due to watching too many movies.

Yes, and I think they were expected to quit working if they got married. Mostly because they now had a "job" taking care of their husband, plus they lived with him, and "maids" were usually live-in. Only a very few people were married, like the housekeeper, maybe mostly because of the housing situation.
  If you lived "out," you were daily help or something, but not a ladies' maid or attendant.


CakeEater

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2014, 04:45:51 AM »
It is kind-of traditional here is Australia for the bride to arrive late to the wedding. I guess to give the guests time to get in and settled. I arrived on the dot of the stated time, being a bit of a punctuality nut. 5-10 minutes, I can handle - I went to a wedding once where the bride was 45 minutes late. Too much!

I think the celebrant should be telling people where to stand - they're the ones who have done this countless times and know how things best work in general, and in their location in particular. Ours was a bit stern about this in a good-natured way, which was fine with us.


Lynn2000

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2014, 01:55:26 PM »
POD to the others, I think most of these have some basis in tradition or logistics, but I would be pretty annoyed at a third party telling me what I could and couldn't do! Though you said it was all good-natured so I don't want to make a big deal out of it. The why-aren't-you-dressed-yet thing would really steam me, though--my dad takes forever to get ready (much longer than me and my mom) so if he hadn't started when we needed to leave in 20 minutes, I would've just left without him.

People still do preserve the split between Maid of Honor (single) and Matron of Honor (married), at least in weddings I've seen; but then the other attendants are just "bridesmaids"--as someone else said, I've never heard of a "bridesmatron." The word Matron just sounds so... matronly. Kind of old and stuffy, like you invited Great Aunt Gladys to be in your wedding party. Plus there are so many different relationship states a person can be in today (and be socially acceptable)--at my friend Amy's wedding there were bridesmaids who were single, married, divorced, never married single moms, unmarried but living with a long-term SO... to start dividing them into maids vs. matrons would seem like a bad idea all around! Not to mention the fact that the guys are all just groomsmen. I think her "Maid of Honor" was her sister, who was not yet married but was living with her boyfriend--they eventually married but I don't remember if they were engaged at the time of Amy's wedding or not.
~Lynn2000

earthgirl

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #19 on: February 19, 2014, 02:18:51 PM »
Hi all,

I've got a fairly silly one for everybody.  My dad had some... interesting ideas... about what constituted proper wedding etiquette.  I'm wondering how many of them have merit - possibly in outdated rules about etiquette or something.  Before I share them, I want to point out that he didn't cause a fuss or a fight about any of them and all of the conversations were good-natured.

Here are the biggest ones he told us:
- Bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot be married.  I cracked up at this one because he said it a couple months before the ceremony -- long after the bridesmaids, groomsmen and one bridesman had been chosen.  It came up because DH said he wanted something traditional (I can't remember what) and dad's response was to say we were already being non-traditional because of married wedding parties... ignoring the bridesman though...  :)


Well, he may have had a point (in part) on item #1: technically one can't be a bridesmaid if one is married. I believe this is why the old terminology was Matron of Honor instead of Maid of Honor if the lady was already wed. But otherwise... no. Don't think so.


When my SIL asked me to be her matron of honor, I jokingly told her I refused to be matron of anything.  I wasn't going to belabor the point, it wasn't really that big a deal, I just had difficulty thinking of myself as matronly.  She was very accommodating and had me introduced as her maid of honor (and wrote it on the program too), despite the fact that I had a wedding band on my finger and was 7 months pregnant at the time of her wedding.

Another Sarah

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #20 on: February 27, 2014, 05:18:53 AM »

When wealthy, young, unmarried women had maids to attend to their needs, weren't the maids generally unmarried anyway?  I will admit that I am totally guessing at this due to watching too many movies.

Yes, and I think they were expected to quit working if they got married. Mostly because they now had a "job" taking care of their husband, plus they lived with him, and "maids" were usually live-in. Only a very few people were married, like the housekeeper, maybe mostly because of the housing situation.
  If you lived "out," you were daily help or something, but not a ladies' maid or attendant.

Maids of honour were originally the young lady's chaperone to all functions, they were supposed to guard the bride's virtue or honour - hence the name. It was assumed that if the maid of honour was sneaking off to meet a boy, that the girl could be too.

It was considered very unseemly for married women to be attending unmarried girls, often you were expected to leave service if you got married.

edited because I inserted the wrong quote
« Last Edit: February 27, 2014, 05:21:52 AM by Another Sarah »

Margo

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #21 on: February 27, 2014, 08:05:51 AM »
Hi all,

I've got a fairly silly one for everybody.  My dad had some... interesting ideas... about what constituted proper wedding etiquette.  I'm wondering how many of them have merit - possibly in outdated rules about etiquette or something.  Before I share them, I want to point out that he didn't cause a fuss or a fight about any of them and all of the conversations were good-natured.

Here are the biggest ones he told us:
- Bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot be married.  I cracked up at this one because he said it a couple months before the ceremony -- long after the bridesmaids, groomsmen and one bridesman had been chosen.  It came up because DH said he wanted something traditional (I can't remember what) and dad's response was to say we were already being non-traditional because of married wedding parties... ignoring the bridesman though...  :)

I think, techinically, a married bridesmaid is a matron of honour. I've never heard of any restrictions on groomsmen, but we don't do them much in the UK (just a best man) so it wouldn't apply.
Quote
- No flower girls over 6 yrs old.  He didn't argue that point because the only girl we knew well enough to trust besides my 10-yr-old cousin was 2.5 yrs at the time of the ceremony so he said we could 'make an exception' so the younger girl had someone keeping an eye on her.
Terminology. I think at some point you stop calling her a flower girl and start calling her a bridesmaid.
Quote
- The Pastor is supposed to tell everyone where to stand in the processional and decide the music for the ceremony.  I've never heard of that, but my mom mentioned that's how things worked at their church when they get married so maybe it was a local thing.  That was in response to DH and I getting an e-mail from the organist where we were doing the ceremony asking us to choose songs.
I would expect the pastor to give directions about he processional as s/he knows what does and doesn't work in the church (for instance, it's usual hear that the bridesmaids follow the bride up the aisle. When my sister got married, the vicar told us to go first with her following us, otherwise it gets really awkward when we arrive at the alter rail as there isn't a lot of space, so it works better that way round in terms of taking the brides bouquet and sitting down out of the way ;-)  )
I wouldn't expect the pastor to chose the music although I would expect them to be able to veto something they saw as inappropriate.
Quote
- And my favorite/the reason this went into the Wedding Day section: "The bride is supposed to arrive at least 5, if not 15 minutes late to the ceremony venue."  I cashed in my bridezilla chip on that one because he didn't bust it out until 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave because I asked him why he didn't have his tux on.  He thought he had another 40 minutes. 
-----------------------
Like I said - my dad's a good-natured man so none of these were family fights or blow ups.  Mostly they were just head-scratchers because I honestly didn't know if they were correct or not - so, mostly out of curiosity - I thought I would toss it up to the experts.  Thoughts?  Any of these ring true about wedding etiquette?

Definitely no set amount of lateness. I think it would be rude for the Bride to arrive *early*, though.

I used to ring for a lot of weddings. We rang at one church where the vicar got so fed up with brides turning up very late that he warned all his couples - more than 10 minutes late - one of the hymns is cut. More than 25 minutes late, both hymns are cut and the choir is sent home, more than 40 minutes late and the Vicar goes home.
He didn't include bellringers in his list because arrangements were made with us separately but we
would warn people that as we often had more than one wedding on any given day, if you ran late the ringing at the end of the service would be cut short and if you had not finished the ceremony by the time we had to leave, we would have to leave (and no, you don't get a refund)
« Last Edit: March 02, 2014, 02:12:41 PM by Margo »

goldilocks

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #22 on: February 27, 2014, 12:22:21 PM »
The last wedding I went to in a church, there was a lady (not the priest or pastor) who worked for the church and coordinated the entrance/exit of the wedding party.    She came with the fee paid for the church.

I went to a wedding that was held in a non-church setting, and the bride had hired a wedding coordinator for the wedding day only, whose job was to coordinate the wedding party entrance, run the rehearsal, and direct the caters, dj and photographer.   This was money well spent, otherwise the bride or her mother would have been trying to do this.

gellchom

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Re: Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013
« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2014, 01:18:34 PM »
I'm having fun thinking of what inappropriate musical choices led to rules that the clergy had to choose or even approve the music!

My husband is clergy, and couples often ask him for suggestions or ask if their choices are okay.  I don't remember him ever telling anyone that anything they asked for wasn't appropriate.

The only exception was once or twice when someone wanted to use Wagner's wedding march from Lohengrin -- what we think of as "Here Comes the Bride."  There's no rule against using it at our synagogue, but it is considered screamingly inappropriate for Jewish weddings, because Wagner was a terrible anti-Semite and the favorite composer of the Nazis.  So when someone who doesn't know that says they want to use it, he gently tells them that they can if they want, but they might want to avoid it because "in the past when people have done it, some people laughed at them."  Probably more are offended than laugh, but sad to say, some people won't care if they might be offending people, but they care very much about the possibility of anyone laughing at them.