Wedding Bliss and Blues > Our Wedding Day

Silly Etiquette Questions - September 1, 2013

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Another Sarah:

--- Quote from: TootsNYC on February 15, 2014, 11:55:22 AM ---
--- Quote from: Vall on February 15, 2014, 08:26:00 AM ---
When wealthy, young, unmarried women had maids to attend to their needs, weren't the maids generally unmarried anyway?  I will admit that I am totally guessing at this due to watching too many movies.

--- End quote ---

Yes, and I think they were expected to quit working if they got married. Mostly because they now had a "job" taking care of their husband, plus they lived with him, and "maids" were usually live-in. Only a very few people were married, like the housekeeper, maybe mostly because of the housing situation.
  If you lived "out," you were daily help or something, but not a ladies' maid or attendant.

--- End quote ---

Maids of honour were originally the young lady's chaperone to all functions, they were supposed to guard the bride's virtue or honour - hence the name. It was assumed that if the maid of honour was sneaking off to meet a boy, that the girl could be too.

It was considered very unseemly for married women to be attending unmarried girls, often you were expected to leave service if you got married.

edited because I inserted the wrong quote


--- Quote from: mspallaton on February 12, 2014, 02:49:44 PM ---Hi all,

I've got a fairly silly one for everybody.  My dad had some... interesting ideas... about what constituted proper wedding etiquette.  I'm wondering how many of them have merit - possibly in outdated rules about etiquette or something.  Before I share them, I want to point out that he didn't cause a fuss or a fight about any of them and all of the conversations were good-natured.

Here are the biggest ones he told us:
- Bridesmaids and groomsmen cannot be married.  I cracked up at this one because he said it a couple months before the ceremony -- long after the bridesmaids, groomsmen and one bridesman had been chosen.  It came up because DH said he wanted something traditional (I can't remember what) and dad's response was to say we were already being non-traditional because of married wedding parties... ignoring the bridesman though...  :)
--- End quote ---

I think, techinically, a married bridesmaid is a matron of honour. I've never heard of any restrictions on groomsmen, but we don't do them much in the UK (just a best man) so it wouldn't apply.

--- Quote ---- No flower girls over 6 yrs old.  He didn't argue that point because the only girl we knew well enough to trust besides my 10-yr-old cousin was 2.5 yrs at the time of the ceremony so he said we could 'make an exception' so the younger girl had someone keeping an eye on her.

--- End quote ---
Terminology. I think at some point you stop calling her a flower girl and start calling her a bridesmaid.

--- Quote ---- The Pastor is supposed to tell everyone where to stand in the processional and decide the music for the ceremony.  I've never heard of that, but my mom mentioned that's how things worked at their church when they get married so maybe it was a local thing.  That was in response to DH and I getting an e-mail from the organist where we were doing the ceremony asking us to choose songs.

--- End quote ---
I would expect the pastor to give directions about he processional as s/he knows what does and doesn't work in the church (for instance, it's usual hear that the bridesmaids follow the bride up the aisle. When my sister got married, the vicar told us to go first with her following us, otherwise it gets really awkward when we arrive at the alter rail as there isn't a lot of space, so it works better that way round in terms of taking the brides bouquet and sitting down out of the way ;-)  )
I wouldn't expect the pastor to chose the music although I would expect them to be able to veto something they saw as inappropriate.

--- Quote ---- And my favorite/the reason this went into the Wedding Day section: "The bride is supposed to arrive at least 5, if not 15 minutes late to the ceremony venue."  I cashed in my bridezilla chip on that one because he didn't bust it out until 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave because I asked him why he didn't have his tux on.  He thought he had another 40 minutes. 
Like I said - my dad's a good-natured man so none of these were family fights or blow ups.  Mostly they were just head-scratchers because I honestly didn't know if they were correct or not - so, mostly out of curiosity - I thought I would toss it up to the experts.  Thoughts?  Any of these ring true about wedding etiquette?

--- End quote ---

Definitely no set amount of lateness. I think it would be rude for the Bride to arrive *early*, though.

I used to ring for a lot of weddings. We rang at one church where the vicar got so fed up with brides turning up very late that he warned all his couples - more than 10 minutes late - one of the hymns is cut. More than 25 minutes late, both hymns are cut and the choir is sent home, more than 40 minutes late and the Vicar goes home.
He didn't include bellringers in his list because arrangements were made with us separately but we
would warn people that as we often had more than one wedding on any given day, if you ran late the ringing at the end of the service would be cut short and if you had not finished the ceremony by the time we had to leave, we would have to leave (and no, you don't get a refund)

The last wedding I went to in a church, there was a lady (not the priest or pastor) who worked for the church and coordinated the entrance/exit of the wedding party.    She came with the fee paid for the church.

I went to a wedding that was held in a non-church setting, and the bride had hired a wedding coordinator for the wedding day only, whose job was to coordinate the wedding party entrance, run the rehearsal, and direct the caters, dj and photographer.   This was money well spent, otherwise the bride or her mother would have been trying to do this.

I'm having fun thinking of what inappropriate musical choices led to rules that the clergy had to choose or even approve the music!

My husband is clergy, and couples often ask him for suggestions or ask if their choices are okay.  I don't remember him ever telling anyone that anything they asked for wasn't appropriate.

The only exception was once or twice when someone wanted to use Wagner's wedding march from Lohengrin -- what we think of as "Here Comes the Bride."  There's no rule against using it at our synagogue, but it is considered screamingly inappropriate for Jewish weddings, because Wagner was a terrible anti-Semite and the favorite composer of the Nazis.  So when someone who doesn't know that says they want to use it, he gently tells them that they can if they want, but they might want to avoid it because "in the past when people have done it, some people laughed at them."  Probably more are offended than laugh, but sad to say, some people won't care if they might be offending people, but they care very much about the possibility of anyone laughing at them.

Sanity Lost:
I was 30 minutes late for my wedding. Not due to traffic ( we were there 3 hours early). Nope, my Dear MIL who was bringing her side of the family (including 1 of my bridesmaids and ushers and the GROOM) didnt show up until 5 AFTER the wedding was supposed to have started. I was in the midst of a panic attack at that point and it took 15 minutes to calm me down and repair my makeup. I actually love her dearly, but the woman will be late to her own funeral (If I have to bribe the hearse driver to do it ;) ).


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