Honeymoon fund dilemma

[Momiitz]

My husband and I were invited to his cousin Jessica's wedding.  They live on the west coast and we are here on the east coast.  We have already RSVP'd that we will not be able to attend due to a lot of things going on at our house.  We do not see this side of the family often but try to keep in touch by facebook and email.  They are nice people and I do like all of them.

Jessica and her family (my husband's aunt, uncle and two more cousins) flew out to our wedding about 7 years ago and really helped out.  My husband's aunt gave us some embroidered items which were very nice (towels, aprons, and such).  The whole family also helped out with the flowers and making bouquets, cooking the food, setting up the buffet and even running the music (a DJ without all the announcements).  We did properly thank them for helping out. My MIL was the driving force to do and organize a homemade wedding.  MIL loves to host and decided to take all of this on. 

I really wanted to do something nice for his cousin Jessica and her fiance because the family did help out at our wedding and I liked the idea of being able to at least get them something nice for a wedding gift.  The problem is they have a honeymoon fund.  I don't want to contribute to a honeymoon fund.  Just out of curiosity I added up how much they were asking for and it added up to about $45,000.  And no, I did not accidentally add an extra zero.

Needless to say that left me feeling a bit less generous than before I saw their registry.  I haven't know this cousin to be a gimme pig but I don't know her very well.  I am thinking of doing one of two things.  Picking out a meaningful wedding gift and sending that to them or sending nothing but a nice card wishing them well.  I don't think I would be rude in sending something not on their registry, but I wonder if I should even bother.  Any advice?

My husband says to forget getting Jessica and her fiance a gift and just send his aunt and uncle something nice. 

[JoieGirl7]

You are not obligated to send her something off her registry.
 
Since she and her family went the extra mile for you and you feel you should reciprocate, send them a check.  That would be a very nice thing to do.

I don't think its a good idea to judge someone on the basis of their of their registry.  Many couples are young and there can be a lot of pressure to ask for everything.  Many registries give couples a special discount for purchasing anything on their registry that they did not receive.

They may have a registry that amounts to $45K just to give people more options.  It doesn't automatically mean that they expected to receive that much from their friends and family.

If you are fond of her and appreciate her family's support, then return that support with a gift of money or a gift card.  Ignore the registry.

[Zizi-K]

The way I look at it, some people love to have a well-stocked kitchen, with the best appliances, china, cookie sheets, etc. And some people are totally disinterested in homemaking and absolutely love travel. I'll bet that if you added up all of the objects on my registry, it would have added up to some ungodly amount. A stand mixer alone can be $500, and really nice china and actual silver run into the hundreds per place setting. Just because you register for something doesn't mean you're demanding it, that you think you're entitled to it, or that you fully expect to get it.

I honestly don't see why their obvious love and preference for travel over towels and kitchen gadgets makes them gimme pigs. And of course you are allowed to buy off-registry. Some of the best gifts people get for their wedding are thoughtful items that they did not choose for themselves. Personally, if I wanted to "do something nice" for family that had traveled and really pitched in for my wedding, I would cut them a nice big check. My only problem with honeymoon registries is that the companies usually take a percentage. I'm not saying you have an obligation to them. (Actually, you made that argument, and I agree with it.) But since the obvious thing to do is to send them a nice gift for their wedding, if only to reciprocate a little bit what they did for yours, I just can't see why you shouldn't just because instead of a duvet they'd rather go snorkling.

And your husband is dead wrong. What would be the occasion to send the parents a nice gift?? That would be guaranteed to upset everyone.

[GlitterIsMyDrug]

I look at a registry as "a list of helpful suggestions", it gives you a basic overview of the couple's taste, colors they like, and some hint at what they need/want. It is not a command of what you must buy for them.

So, she has a honeymoon fund registry thing. Alright, do we see where they're headed? Could you buy them something physical to enjoy on the honeymoon? To me it sends the message that they're all set on toasters and blenders, but there might be something else they'd enjoy for their home. Or maybe they're moving soon/live in a small place, so I'd want my gift to be something easy to transport or not take up a lot of room.

In my opinion, you wanted to gift Jessica (and her fiance) with a nice gift to celebrate their union. So you sought out where they were registered for some idea. But you don't like what they registered for so you'd like to punish them by sending nothing. Well...that's a bit silly. If Jessica throws a fit or demands only things being bought off her "registry" then yes, she's being a gimmie pig. But simply having the registry, or planning an expensive honeymoon, doesn't make one a gimmie pig.

If you want to give a gift, give a gift. No need to stick to their registry. And if you don't want to give one, don't give one. But look at why you all of a sudden don't want too.

[TurtleDove]

I really wanted to do something nice for his cousin Jessica and her fiance because the family did help out at our wedding and I liked the idea of being able to at least get them something nice for a wedding gift.  

...

I am thinking of doing one of two things.  Picking out a meaningful wedding gift and sending that to them or sending nothing but a nice card wishing them well.  I don't think I would be rude in sending something not on their registry, but I wonder if I should even bother.  Any advice?

My husband says to forget getting Jessica and her fiance a gift and just send his aunt and uncle something nice.

If you truly mean the bolded, why on earth would you even consider sending them nothing but a nice card wishing them well?  To me, it seems more important to you to make your disdain for the types of gifts they would enjoy known, rather than actually doing something nice for Jessica and her fiance.  If your priority is making your disdain known, well, fine, but then understand that you are repaying Jessica's gracious gift of her time and presence and help at your wedding with your judgment of her preference for a zipline tour over a set of towels. 

And I am absolutely baffled by your husband's perspective here.  It makes him seem extraordinarily rude.

[BigBadBetty]

The way I look at it, some people love to have a well-stocked kitchen, with the best appliances, china, cookie sheets, etc. And some people are totally disinterested in homemaking and absolutely love travel. I'll bet that if you added up all of the objects on my registry, it would have added up to some ungodly amount. A stand mixer alone can be $500, and really nice china and actual silver run into the hundreds per place setting. Just because you register for something doesn't mean you're demanding it, that you think you're entitled to it, or that you fully expect to get it.

I honestly don't see why their obvious love and preference for travel over towels and kitchen gadgets makes them gimme pigs. And of course you are allowed to buy off-registry. Some of the best gifts people get for their wedding are thoughtful items that they did not choose for themselves. Personally, if I wanted to "do something nice" for family that had traveled and really pitched in for my wedding, I would cut them a nice big check. My only problem with honeymoon registries is that the companies usually take a percentage. I'm not saying you have an obligation to them. (Actually, you made that argument, and I agree with it.) But since the obvious thing to do is to send them a nice gift for their wedding, if only to reciprocate a little bit what they did for yours, I just can't see why you shouldn't just because instead of a duvet they'd rather go snorkling.

And your husband is dead wrong. What would be the occasion to send the parents a nice gift?? That would be guaranteed to upset everyone.

POD. When I make a Xmas list, I never think I am going to get it all. I just want to give a wide variety of ideas. I wouldn't think anything differently of wedding registry. My boyfriend and I each have our own place. If we would ever to get married, we would not need any household items. We would need to get rid of household items.

[lady_disdain]

Jessica has told you, via registry, that she values travel. Giving her a gorgeous vase would not mean as much (as a matter of fact, it would seem that you don't much care for her preferences). A registry doesn't mean "my guests must give me everything on this list". As a matter of fact, registry should be longer than the number of expected guests (so the last guests to buy are still able to choose a gift, instead of only seeing the last left over item no one got because it was expensive).

She was really helpful to you during your wedding. Pay her back by graciously giving her an experience she wants.

A small tangent. My cousin did a honeymoon registry as well. He and his bride took photos at each place, experience or meal, holding up a card "thanks Uncle X" or "Rock on, Mike" (taken while rock climbing) that they used as personalized thank you notes for each person. They also included the photos on their large honeymoon photo album, between the usual type photos.

[Hmmmmm]

Just because it's on the registry doesn't mean they expect all of it to be purchased.

Send a well thought out gift paid for in cash and include the gift receipt. They can choose to keep or return.

[Momiitz]

OP here.

I was pretty sure I did not have to buy anything off the registry.  From what I know about Jessica and her fiance I'm pretty sure this is really more of a why not ask than an entitled gimme pig situation.

The monetary amount of the registry just floored me at first.  I think the monetary amount clouded my judgement and I was quick to judge them a little for that.  I just cannot fathom asking for that much personally.     The answers you all have written has given me a different perspective. I was a bit selfish thinking more about what would make me happy rather than what would make them happy.

Also with my budget I just felt what I could give was like a drop in the bucket compared to what they want for this trip.

Thanks everyone for putting into perspective.   

[Momiitz]

So, she has a honeymoon fund registry thing. Alright, do we see where they're headed? Could you buy them something physical to enjoy on the honeymoon?

I really like this idea.  The registry does show where they are headed.  That's thinking outside the box.  I will ask Jessica's mom if their is anything they might need for their trip.

[peaches]

OP here.

I was pretty sure I did not have to buy anything off the registry.  From what I know about Jessica and her fiance I'm pretty sure this is really more of a why not ask than an entitled gimme pig situation.

The monetary amount of the registry just floored me at first.  I think the monetary amount clouded my judgement and I was quick to judge them a little for that.  I just cannot fathom asking for that much personally.     The answers you all have written has given me a different perspective. I was a bit selfish thinking more about what would make me happy rather than what would make them happy.

Also with my budget I just felt what I could give was like a drop in the bucket compared to what they want for this trip.

Thanks everyone for putting into perspective.

I'm glad you were willing to look at this with a fresh perspective.

DH and I have a budget for weddings and graduations, based on family relationship. That helps us to be fair (as we see it), not get carried away and bust the budget, and also not be judgmental about the couple's plans, choices, lifestyle and finances. 

I'd recommend spending the amount you originally planned. Send it in a check, or go the creative route and ask if there's something else that would make them happy that you could provide.

 

[TootsNYC]

It's not accurate to add up a registry and interpret that as a total that the couple is specifically requesting. I don't think anybody actually expects that their guests are obligated to give them everything on their registry.


A registry says, "If you need ideas, here are several things that you can be certain I will enjoy."

I *don't* think honeymoon registries are completely polite, but the signals brides are getting from other places are making that sort of registry seem acceptable. And I know many, many guests, esp. younger ones, who think that such a list of suggestions, including " help us with our airfare" or "help us save toward a maternity leave," is a completely sensible gift suggestion.

So I can't condemn a couple w/ such a registry as greedy.

Also, if you want to do something nice, feel free! If you want to find out the color of their china, and then make plate separators from a flannel in a coordinating/matching color, go to town!
   If she has the kind of mom you described, I would bet that she would really like it.

Lots of people thoroughly enjoy thoughtful gifts that they never thought of themselves.



Also, I'm the odd person out in that I think gift givers are -entitled- to think of what makes them happy when they give a gift. It's not *only* about the gift recipient.
     Gifts are intended to draw you closer. And if you're feeling distance from them with your choice (you feel like you're just helping them indulge in a wasteful way; you feel like you're helping them pay their bills when you wanted a more indulgent feeling attached to your name in their mind; whatever), that's not a good gift.

So if you sort of wanted to give her something pretty for her home that she'd have for a while, do so.

[katycoo]

People put a large range of things on a registry so that there are ideas to suit every budget.

They don't want to assume that people will only want to spend $50 or $500 so you put lots of options and when there are 10 couples who have a $50 budget there is still sopmething left for the 11th couple to choose from.

Honeymoon registries are no different.  Its about choice for the giver, not about what they expect to receive.

[cicero]

OP here.

I was pretty sure I did not have to buy anything off the registry.  From what I know about Jessica and her fiance I'm pretty sure this is really more of a why not ask than an entitled gimme pig situation.

The monetary amount of the registry just floored me at first.  I think the monetary amount clouded my judgement and I was quick to judge them a little for that.  I just cannot fathom asking for that much personally.     The answers you all have written has given me a different perspective. I was a bit selfish thinking more about what would make me happy rather than what would make them happy.

Also with my budget I just felt what I could give was like a drop in the bucket compared to what they want for this trip.

Thanks everyone for putting into perspective.

good!

I would figure out a dollar amount you are comfortable with and send them - either through the registry or by check or a gift card. Personally - if they set up the registry i would just go with that.

[Momiitz]

OP here

I came to realize I was disappointed because I love shopping for gifts. I was looking forward to the hunt for a special gift. The honeymoon registry doesn't feel like shopping at all.